The Best Alfred Hitchcock Quotes

[afterword]
Self: By the way, I wouldn't worry about that female hitchhiker if I were you. That was John Charles Wentworth, the gentleman who later authored a book - "I Was a Girl for the FBI." There was another announcement I was to make, but I can't remember. Give me one minute and perhaps I can.
[commercial]
Self: I now remember the announcement I wanted to make. We should return next week at the same time. Until then, good night.

[introduction - HItchcock is in the box office of a movie theater]
Alfred: Good evening and welcome to "Alfred Hitchcock Presents". The feature is about to commence. Please don't be alarmed. We are not charging admission. This is not pay-TV. As usual, all we ask is that on those occasions when you can't view our show, that you let us know so that we can send it to someone else. Please don't be a no-show.
[steps out of the box office with a gun]
Alfred: This is not a holdup. I wish to dramatize the title of tonight's play.
[Hitchcock pulls the trigger and a flag with the word 'BANG' pops out]
Alfred: Tonight's story is called "Bang! You're Dead". Despite the fact this has been introduced with my usual flippancy, it concerns a very serious subject and I would be doing it a disservice if I led you to regard it lightly. Now I must hurry into the theater, for I don't want to miss the beginning. Fortunately, I have a minute to find my seat before the feature starts, for it is preceded by an unselected short subject. It is the management's way of discouraging those who might stay through more than one show.

[afterword - Hitchcock steps out of the theater]
Alfred: After an experience like that, we need something to break the spell and I have just the thing. I shall rejoin you in a moment.
[commercial break]
Alfred: On rare occasions, we have stories on this program which do not lend themselves to levity. "Bang! You're Dead" is a case in point. We only hope that this play has dramatized for parents the importance of keeping firearms and ammunition out of reach of children. Accidents of this type occur far too frequently nowadays and the tragic fact is that with proper precaution, it could be avoided. That is all for tonight. Please join us next week when we shall return with another story. Until then, good night.

Alfred: [introducing commercials at the end of the show] I hope you have enjoyed our program. Seeing a murder on television can help to work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, these commercials will give you some.

Alfred: Tonight's story is entitled "The Greatest Monster of Them All", which certainly should be a cue for the sponsor to speak up.

[afterword]
Alfred: The sponsor is being unusually difficult about this matter of the horse costume. I've explained the labor-saving advantages of employing a real horse to the work of two men, but he is so enchanted with this pun of his on the word "horseplayer" that he insists on having it out with me. I shall be back shortly. It will only take a minute to put him in his place.
[commercial break, then Hitchcock and the other man appear in the horse costume that splits in half with Hitchcock in the rear end]

[introduction]
Alfred: Good evening. I'm looking to see what lies ahead. The old Romans used to tell the future by cutting animals open and examining their entrails. Due to some objections by anti-vivisectionists, we have to omit the butchery. But through the wonders of modern science, we are not denied a glimpse into the future. Besides, it's much more tidy this way. This is an x-ray of a goat, an animal which the ancients found to be full of strange portents. Hm, it looks like rain. I can see this will also give one insight about the past. For example, I now know what happened to those car keys I lost last summer. As to the immediate future, either this x-ray plate wasn't properly developed, or else we are in for a very dismal time of it for the next minute.

Self: In these times, a thorough grounding in psychology is essential in any profession, even blackmail.

[introduction]
Self: Good evening. We have here one of the latest and most improved parking meters. The old type merely indicated a violation and, unless a policeman happened by, the driver could get off scot-free. This meter assures us that the violator will be punished. Needless to say even if the automobile is hauled away, it can easily be identified. And so can the driver if he is within range. The advantages are not all on the side of the law, however. For this device also will blow away any parking ticket left on your windshield. And now I see our sponsor is parked in a one-minute zone, following which we shall have tonight's story.

Self: Not even a "with your leave" or "by your leave"... he just left.

Alfred: [signing off] I hope you'll join us again next week, when we will present you with another story of gripping, spine-tingling suspense, and three boring commercials to take the edge off of it.

[introduction - Hitchcock is standing next to someone in the front half of a horse costume]
Alfred: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Someone had the brilliant idea that I should don this costume to dramatize the title of tonight's play. It is called "The Horseplayer".
[the man in the costume begins to walk away]
Alfred: Just a moment. You forgot something.
[Hitchcock gives him the other half of the costume]
Alfred: I'm sure you want to know who offered this clever charade. His previous works include the following one-minute audio collage.

[Hitchcock arrives for his introduction dressed in a safari outfit and pith helmet]
Alfred: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to darkest Hollywood. Night brings a stillness to the jungle. It is so quiet, you can hear a name drop. The savage beasts have already begun gathering at the water holes to quench their thirst. Now one should be especially alert. The vicious table-hopper is on the prowl, and the spotted back-biter may lurk behind a potted palm. To take me through this most savage of lands, I have hired a native guide.
[He snaps his fingers. An old man joins him, wearing a billboard sign that reads, "Maps of the Movie Stars' Homes - For Sale"]
Alfred: He claims to know where I can find the big ones.

[afterword]
Alfred: I don't know quite how to put this. However, I must tell you the truth. The saw worked excellently, but the wand didn't. Hugo was terribly upset. And Irene was beside herself. As for the police, they misunderstood the whole thing and arrested Hugo for murder. There's not much more to say, but I shall say it after the following commercial break.
[after commercial]
Alfred: The forgoing has made it obvious to me that we've had quite enough for one evening. We shall save the rest for next week when I shall reappear. Until then, good night.