The Best Detective John Munch Quotes

Captain: Okay, Olivia, let's just say the vic had the misfortune of buying the wrong hack license. Spicer's the target. Who wanted him dead?
Detective: Whoever called the dispatcher.
Detective: Wow.
Detective: Nice. Good stuff. Keep that.
Detective: Thanks, thanks a lot.
Detective: It never stops.
Detective: [to Cragen about donuts] You know they have more varieties than that.

Detective: Hey, you guys going to eat all this?
Detective: Suppose we say 'yes'?
Detective: Suppose I'm just being polite?
Detective: Oh, that would be a first...
Detective: That's cool, John doesn't eat vegetables.
Detective: Yeah? The way I heard, that's the only thing John never gets to uh... eat.
Detective: Ouch.

Detective: A military plane drops J.F.K.'s coffin in the middle into 9,000 feet of water three years after the assassination. You don't fund that suggestive-perhaps even a tad bit disquieting?
Detective: No.
Detective: No? The Justice Department waits 33 years before they impart this tidbit on the American people. And then they say they did it because it wasn't evidence? What are you sheep? Will you believe anything?

Det. John Munch: Is this what I have to look forward to in my twilight years? Cyber-flirting with Betty and Veronica?

Detective: No way! I'm never setting foot in the city of Baltimore again as long as I'm on this mortal sphere!

John: Not to mention the fact that I lost a wife after less than one night of connubial bliss to someone who was not only a detective but a member of my own squad.

Detective: That was the M.E. The stab wounds... 37 of them. This still reads gay to me.
Captain: Panacek's prints are clean here, right?
Detective: Yes.
Captain: So do this by the numbers. He's illegal, send a set to Interpol too.
Detective: Forensics report...
Captain: What?
Detective: They found part of a fingernail in the front seat of the cab with red nail polish on it.
Detective: Dispatcher said that he thought it might have been a woman who called about Spicer.
Captain: Kind of undercuts your gay theory, huh?
Detective: Could be a he/she?
Captain: Didn't two of Spicer's married johns take a bust?
Detective: Yeah, about six months ago vice was targeting the piers.
Captain: I'm sure their wives must have been thrilled.
Captain: [Munch chuckles] What are you doing?
Detective: Eavesdropping.

Detective: Doesn't sound like there's much doubt on the C.O.D.
Detective: Do you think that you're conclusional pole vaults are personality or gender-driven?
Detective: I don't know, John. What about deductively logical?
Detective: Oh really? I had what looked like a stabbing once in Baltimore, it turns out some guy was getting divorced and drank drain cleaner and his soon-to-be-unmarried widow discovered him dead-no alimony. She stabbed him 15 times out of pique.

Detective: What about your erstwhile partner?
Detective: Oh, I'd love to John, but my presence is required in court this morning.
Detective: I read about it in the news. City councilman right?
Detective: Weenie wagger.

Detective: What's that?
Elliot: [handing a report to Cragen] Take a look at that. Fingerprint check on Pancek. I'd say that gives us a whole different kind of motive.
Captain: [glancing at the report] See if any of the victims are in the New York area. Your partner may not like this.
Elliot: Why? It's a murder investigation.
Captain: Yeah. Yeah, it is. Just don't let her forget we don't get to pick the vic.
[Much and Cassidy exchange confused glances]
Detective: Are we missing some key piece of information here?
Elliot: Shut up, John.

Det. Monique Jefferies: Are you gonna eat this?
John: Suppose we say yes.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Suppose I was just being polite.
John: That would be a first.
Brian: Go ahead, Munch doesn't eat veggies
Det. Monique Jefferies: Really? I heard that's not the only thing John doesn't... eat.

[after he lost on a game]
John: Damn it. I died.
[Fin grabs the controller]
Fin: Let me see me this.