Top 100 Quotes From Gob Bluth

Michael: I am not going to turn this mock trial into some kind of...
Gob: You were going to say "mockery", weren't you?
Michael: I was in trouble like three words into that.

Gob: My God. What is this feeling?
Michael: You know, the feeling that you're, that you're feeling, it's just what many of us call a feeling.
Gob: It's not like envy. Or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael.

Gob: It's a jetpack, Michael. What could possibly go wrong?

Michael: So this is the magic trick, huh?
George: Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money...
[sees children watching his magic]
George: ...or cocaine!

Michael: I'm not going to lie to your son.
George: Oh, come on! I lie to yours all the time.

Gob: [while on Spanish-language television] I, too, have an announcement to make. To prove my worthiness into the Alliance, I will incarcerate myself in the same prison that holds my own father, only to escape 24 hours later! No shackles can hold these hands!
[to Marta]
Gob: Say that to them in Spanish.

Michael: His name is Gary and we don't need any more lawsuits.
Gob: Wait... Gary's gay? He's going to think I was coming onto him.
Gob: [flashback] You've got a nice mouth.
Gob: [flashback] I'd kill for that ass.
Gob: [flashback] Now lately, the chair doesn't seem to give out but as soon as I lean back...

Michael: You certainly haven't been shopping! The only thing I found in the refrigerator was a dead dove in a bag.
Gob: You didn't eat that dove, did you? Because I only have a couple of days left to return it.

Gob: What did you come here for, Michael? I hope it's not for a handout. I run a pretty tight ship around here.
Michael: With a pool table.
Gob: It's a gaming ship.

Gob: Well, we did have sex. And I'm not a great liar.
Narrator: Both things he just said were lies.

Lucille: You were ashamed to be with me.
Gob: No! I was ashamed to be SEEN with you! I like being WITH you!

Maebe: [attempting to get her parents to notice her] Here are the fake airline tickets. If they don't see this, I really might go to South America.
George: [notices a flaw] That says, "Portugal".
Maebe: [oblivious] That's right.
Narrator: Maeby's parents didn't see the tickets, but her Uncle Gob did.
Gob: [examines the tickets, thinking they're Michael's] Portugal? Well, gonna live it up in ol' South America, aren't we, Michael?

Narrator: GOB had never made eye contact with his customer, that is, until this happened.
Lucille: I'll have the lobster tail.
George: And then maybe you could save a little tail for me.
[GOB realizes it's Lucille]
George: Oh COME ON!
Lucille: Ahhhhhhh!

Gob: I fucked Kitty!
Michael: Oh, no! I only wanted you to get the information!
Gob: Michael, I got the information!
Michael: You did? About the international accounts?
Gob: [beat] Oh, I see where you're getting at. No, I didn't get the information.
Michael: Well, you just lost the touchlamp.
Gob: Michael, no!
Michael: I'll use the touchlamp to help set the mood in the trailer where Dad's nailing Mom!
Gob: You are filthy!

Michael: So listen, you've been married for two weeks now. It seems to be sticking. Let's pretend it's a good thing. I guess this makes me your best man and I would like to throw you a bachelor party.
Gob: [laughs] Yeah, I don't think she'd go for that. Besides, I talked to Dad. He said it was stupid to get married in the first place. And he's right. He's right. I-I've got to get rid of her.
Michael: You know, I said two weeks ago that I thought it was a stupid idea. Suddenly, Dad says it and it's good advice? You know, you don't have to do everything Dad says.
Gob: I don't do everything Dad says, he just happens to be right about this. You can help me get rid of her, though. Mom's having a cocktail party. She'll be there. You could try and break us up.
Michael: I can't do that.
Gob: Why not? You did with me and Marta. You had no problem with that, guy. You know what? Lie to her. Tell her that I'm insensitive and unreliable.
Michael: Maybe something about how you can never confront people and you need someone else to clean up your messes?
Gob: [impressed] See, that's great... and that's just off the top of your head.
[Tobias walks in]
Tobias: Michael, G.O.B. I was just in the neighborhood -
[distracted by the temperature]
Tobias: Good Lord, it is sweltering in here!

White: White Power!
[as he stabs Gob in the kidney]
Gob: But I'm white!

Michael: Yeah, well, where is George Michael, by the way?
Gob: He came by the yacht, gave me this shiner.
Michael: He hit you? What for?
Gob: You know teenagers. Probably lashing out at you because of who I'm dating.
Michael: Who are you dating?
Gob: Ann.
Michael: Her?
Gob: Don't worry. I didn't fight back or anything. I was like, "Oh, no, take the yacht. Please don't hurt me." You know, just build up the little guy's self-esteem.

Gob: What about hash browns?
Kitty: No, because hash browns are potatoes.
Gob: So, you really can't eat anything on this diet. Wow, I wonder how this is going to affect my honey business.
Kitty: G.O.B., I have seen you get passed over, time and time again by your family. You don't deserve that, you're smarter than them.
Gob: What about macaroni... let me finish... salad?

[discussing Gob's bachelor party]
Gob: Dad, you are gonna love this woman.
George Sr.: Well, I'm paying her enough, but she's a hell of a stripper.
Gob: No, I meant my wife.
George Sr.: Oh. No, I doubt that very much.

Gob: I'm sorry. Isn't Michael the least likable one in the family?
Jessie: No. There are very few intelligent, attractive, and straight men in this town.
Tobias: Well, that certainly leaves me out.
[the family stares at him]
Tobias: She... She said single. You did say single, correct? I thought l...

Gob: [watching footage of George Michael's "Star Wars Kid"] This has got to be the lamest thing ever put on tape.
Narrator: Not true. Buster had once filmed himself re-creating scenes from his then favorite film Chicago. He also liked Star Wars.

Michael: [referring to George Michael smoking pot] All I know is that this has been going on forever. His eyes are red, his grades are slipping.
Gob: I heard about the A minus.

George: Are those police boats?

Michael: Well, um, I was going to say that you don't know who my father really is and that what has happened to us is a great injustice, that we were never really given a fair chance. But that's not the truth. We've been given plenty of chances. And maybe the Bluths just aren't worth saving, maybe we're not that likable, you know. We're very self-centered. And my father may be the worst of us. Me, too. You know, I seem to... I threaten people who I don't feel support me. He poisons them. Anyway, here's my advice to you. Go ahead and take yourself a goody bag and get out of here while you can.
[Lucille applauds]
Narrator: The speech was disturbing. The food inedible. And the gift bags, well, pretty frightening. And when GOB found out he wasn't going to get tipped...
Gob: Wait! No, no, where's everyone going!
Narrator: The service got worse.
Gob: Where's my money? I'll follow you to your cars!
Byron: My thumb!
Narrator: Oh and that old racist woman choked on Buster's thumb. All in all, it was one of the Bluth's better parties.

[Michael discovers Gob is now president of the Bluth Company]
Michael: How much damage could he possibly cause?
Narrator: In just three hours, Gob had caused $45,000 worth of damage.
[we see Gob playing pool in Michael's office. he pulls back his cue and hits the wall]
George: Hit there.
[his assistant makes a hole in the wall with a sledgehammer]

Gob: You know, I sorta thought my contribution... could be a magic show!
Michael: Hey, that's great! That's perfect, Gob! Oh, wait, I just remembered, Dad's retiring, not turning six.

Gob: Dad asked me to do this on the day he pleads not guilty, as a spectacular protest. A protestacular!

Wife: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
Gob: You're in love with your own brother, the one in the army.
Wife: No, your sister's husband.
Gob: Michael? Michael!
Wife: No, that's your sister's brother.
Gob: No, I'm my sister's brother. You're in love with me. Me.
Wife: I'm in love with Tobias.
Gob: My brother-in-law?
Wife: I know it can never be. So I'm leaving and enlisting in the army.
Gob: To be with your brother.
Wife: No.

Gob: So you take your mom to work every day? Bummer. Moms are such a pain in the ass, huh? It's like "Die already!"
Starla: I love my mother.
Gob: Huh?
Starla: She's one of the two most important people in my life. You know, she and Quincy.

Gob: And as for Kitty, I think you're crazy to have fired her. Who knows what kind of information she has?
[flashback to after Gob and Kitty have sex]
Gob: He's my brother and he's never even said, "Good job. " I just want him to love me, you know?
Kitty: Wow, you get really girly after, huh?
Gob: [Back in the present] Yeah, she definitely knows way too much.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development: The Alliance decides to let Gob back in.
Rollo: [at the Magicians' Alliance office] Tell me, how did you get two Alliance-approved assistants with such short notice?
Gob: Oh, that was just my girlfriend and my nephew.
Rollo: [quickly conferring with other Alliance members] Well, you're out.

Gob: [whistling] I have some conditionsss...
Michael: Do you?
Gob: ...termsss... One condition and one term!

Gob: I've got a meeting with Dad's attorney today. He's going to want me to take a lie detector test to use as evidence in Dad's trial, but I don't want to. What if they ask about a magic trick? I can't risk it.
Michael: They're not going to ask you anything. They want me to take the polygraph test.
Gob: But I'm the oldest. The matriarch if you will.
Michael: Oh, sure, I will.

George: Say what you want about America - thirteen bucks can still get you a hell of a lot of mice!
Gob: Who said anything bad about America?

George: Uncle Gob? Uncle Gob?
Gob: Give me a dollar, no! the twenty. This is gonna blow your mind. Some say wealth is an illusion, well let's just see. For one moment it's here and the next... Monopoly. You don't have it do you?
George: I think I might.
Gob: Thats good cause alot of the pieces are missing. Ah, to play monopoly with my family again. I'd give anything to be eight.
George: I'm thirteen.
Gob: Nah, I wasn't crazy about thirteen. The acne, the self-consciousness, the erections. You okay?
George: Yeah, I'm good
Gob: Hey! there's the man I came to see.
George: Uh, Uncle Gob where's the twenty?
Gob: Hey! a magician never reveals his secrets, that's what I started the whole alliance about.
George: I don't need the secret I just need the...
Gob: What you need to know...
[dramatic pause]
Gob: Is that it's magic.
George: Wow... It's so much like stealing.

Gob: Attention Everyone. Why go to a banana stand when we can make your banana stand? I give you Barbara and Dee.
[Two cheap looking, barely dressed women walk out]
Gob: Don't worry, these young beauties have been nowhere near the bananas.

Warden: [acting friendly] Well, if it isn't "Sincerely Yours.
Narrator: [as Gob is grabbed and pressed against his parents' trailer] And so, Gob was detained against the window of the trailer his parents were becoming intimate in.
Gob: [crying] Oh, God, Mommy, what did you do?

Narrator: GOB was at Ancient Chinese Secret that very moment.
Gob: I'm looking for something to give my dingle less tingle. Me quick want slow! Wait, that's Indian...
Chinese: Tea for dong!
Gob: What is this?
Chinese: It's the sword of destiny. Very powerful. Comes with back story.
Gob: Yeah, I make up my own patter. Just ring it up with the dong tea.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Michael gets a new roommate.
Gob: My middle and index fingers are...
Dr. Stein: ...switched for the first time ever!

[Gob is buying a dove at the pet store]
Clerk: Don't you want a cage for that?
George: [sticking the dove in his jacket] Please! I'm a professional.
[the dove can be heard cooing as Gob walks to the door. He walks into the door and the dove stops cooing]
George: [looking into his jacket] What's your return policy, by the way?

[after George, Sr. escapes from under the model house]
George: Good news! Dad wasn't crushed to death.
Michael: There was a risk of that?

Michael: I don't know why you're not taking this "I'm out of here" seriously because I am out of here. Seriously.
Gob: Face it, Michael, you've made this threat before.
Michael: Tell me, when?
Michael: [caption reads: "Dinner mishap"] I'm outta here.
Michael: [caption reads: "Christmas magic show fiasco"] I'm outta here.
Michael: [caption reads: "Monkey Freedom Rally setback"] I'm outta this family, seriously.
Michael: This time we'll be so far away that you wont be able to find us.
George: Phoenix. We're going to Phoenix.
Michael: Don't tell them!

[Michael has found his brother, Gob, hidden in his office]
Michael: One of those British guys came up to me and told me to back off. I can't believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This may be dangerous.
Gob: So you came back here to hide like a child.
Michael: What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?
Gob: Hiding from a child. Big difference.
Michael: Gob, Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection.
Gob: He doesn't know what he feels. I'm tired of being told - my God. What is this feeling?
[Schmaltzy music begins to play]
Michael: You know, the feeling that you're feeling is just what many of us call... a "feeling".
Gob: It's not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite - it's like my heart is getting hard.
[the music reaches its crescendo]
Gob: Maybe I am ready to be a father.

Michael: You may want to start acting like the president, GOB. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: Yeah, like the president has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator: In fact, GOB had started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: [in the break room] Yeah, like I'm going to spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit! COME ON!
Gob: [at the elevator] Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. COME ON!
Gob: [in the bathroom] Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit! COME ON!

Gob: Michael, you have a chance to save this family. Please, do the right thing here - string this blind girl along so that Dad doesn't have to pay his debt to society.
Barry: The solution to all our problems is staring you in the face and it can't even see you!

Gob: I did it! I sunk the yacht!
Michael: You what?
Gob: I sunk it!
Michael: You sunk a $700,000 yacht?
Gob: With $900,000 of insurance on it. Besides I disposed of all the evidence.

Gob: I
[bleeped]
Gob: the business model.
Narrator: Actually, they just made out.
Gob: Yeah, she had all kinds of orgasms.

Buster: [while performing the "Sword of Destiny" trick] Will you hand me the trick sword, please?
Gob: It's a real sword!

Gob: Hey, the Cornballer. Thought these things were only legal in Mexico.
Narrator: In fact, the Cornballer wasn't legal anywhere, but George Sr. continued to market it in Mexico, anyways.

Gob: If I didn't have a live dove in my pants right now, I'd leap across the table and...
[he unzips his pants]
Gob: Ah, what the hell...
Michael: I think that's just as good of a time as any to end the meeting.

Michael: [after confronting his son about marijuana] He's lying to me! I don't believe it! Where the hell is this family's morality?
Gob: [lets out a puff of marijuana smoke] I don't know. Oh, it's... cold out.

Gob: Tell you what we're gonna do: "Rock Paper Scissors" for it.
Michael: No, no I'm not...
Gob: One, two, three. Paper covers rock.
Michael: It is a rock, though. Should beat everything.
Gob: There's not a lot of logic to it. It's kind of like on a boat with "Women and children first." I mean, why should they...

father: It's come down to the two of ya, and... I'll be honest. I'm just more comfortable with an Alliance-approved magician.
Gob: [sulks] Well... give 'em a helluva show, champ!
teenage: [bleep] off, traitor.

Gob: We'll rock-paper-scissors for it.
Michael: You're not getting a boat.
Gob: One... two...
Michael: Not gonna do it.
Gob: Paper covers rock.
Michael: Fine, but rock sinks boat.

Michael: [to Lucille and GOB] Gee, I don't know what's more offensive - the fact that you didn't tell us about our grandmother's death or the fact that you sunk a $700,000 yacht!
Gob: I had $900,000 worth of insurance put on it.

Buster: I didn't even know we were calling him big bear.
Gob: We never had a chance to!

Gob: I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

[after a one-night stand]
Gob: You should have stuck around to see me get some major action. From a major blonde. Who just "majored" in marine biology, if you know what I mean.
Michael: No, I don't know what you mean. I can't imagine what that means.

Gob: [stuck under a coffin] Something's gone wrong.
[he gets buried alive to applause]

Gob: I was halfway to South America, but I couldn't let you get away with it, because we're brothers, Mom, and we kind of like each other.
Michael: You were going to South America?
Gob: I don't think so.

[repeated line]
Gob: I've made a huge mistake.

[Gob is planning to break out of a prison for publicity]
Warden: You really think you can break out of my prison?
Gob: You won't even know I was here.
Narrator: The warden was intrigued, less about the stunt and more about the prison beatings that this brash magician was sure to receive.

Gob: Where am I? Am I in two-thirds of a hospital room?

George: Hey, was Aunt Lindsey ever pregnant?
Gob: Oh yea, dozens of times.

Gob: Well... sounds like "Hermano" is about to get his ass kicked.

Gob: Nothing works in this house.
Michael: Tell me about it.
Lindsay: Is that a shot at me?
Gob: Probably.
Lindsay: Because for your information, I got a job.
Michael: Really? What kind of job?
Lindsay: Beads.
Gob: Bees?
Lindsay: Beads.
Gob: Beads?
Michael: Gob's not on board.

Gob: What's this? A stuffy office meeting? Perhaps it's time for some Office Magic.
Ron: But what's Office Magic?
Gob: Sometimes it's as simple as turning 10:30 in the morning into... lunch time!
Ron: Why does lunch have to be so dull?
Gob: Perhaps you'd like some chicken!
[he rips open a bag and a dead dove flies out]
Gob: Cut!

Gob: [about Ann] Plus, that one is religious. It gets pregnant, it stays pregnant. I know, I dated a chick like that once in high school. Wait... no, I didn't.

Gob: Spring break. It's my favorite holiday. Nothing gets me more excited.
Michael: I can see that. You might want to button that shirt up.

Buster: Hey, I just came to tell you that I can't do that wall.
Drill: There's no time for that! We're shipping out without you! Haven't you heard?
[hands Buster military files]
Buster: Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Gob: Those bastards!
Drill: I did not say that!
Gob: Are you going to allow that, Buster? Are you going to allow your children, and your children's children, and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?
[advances to the wall]
Gob: Climb that wall, homo!
Drill: Go get 'em!
Narrator: [as Buster climbs the wall] Buster got the encouragement he needed, and just when it seemed there wouldn't be any surprises...
[Gob punches Buster as he jumps to the other side]
Narrator: ... it did.
Gob: Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.

Gob: Oh, now you love the ten commandments, yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father, and honor no one above him, unless it be-eth me, thy sweet Lord."
Michael: I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.

Michael: We cannot afford to lose each other.
Gob: I can't. I already lost a brother today.
Michael: Franklin?
Gob: Well, I didn't lose him, but he's all puckered and white.
Michael: On the plus side, you can take him to lunch at the club now.
Gob: [crying] That's the kind of joke he would have loved.

Lindsay: Face it, Michael, Maybe the reason you keep coming back is because you need us.
Michael: Hmmm. Oh, that's rich. Huh. I need you. Alright, I'll tell you what. Mom, you're always asking me to help you look after Buster? You can find somebody else. I hope she doesn't kill you.
Buster: I'll kill her first!
Michael: And good luck trying to find someone to run the business, by the way. G.O.B., instead of always coming to me looking for money, saying, "I've made a huge mistake," you can bail yourself out next time.
Gob: I've never admitted to a mistake. What would I have made a mistake about?
Michael: Lindsay, instead of sleeping in twin beds, why don't you and your husband take the master bedroom. It's not like you've never come to me with your marital problems saying, "Oh, help me Michael, I think my husband might be a ho..."
[Tobias uses the airhorn]

Gob: [fixes a drink while waiting for an intervention with Lucille]
Michael: Are you pouring a drink? What are you doing?
Gob: What if she's mad?
Lindsay: Good point.
Tobias: Perhaps I'll have a little sip of something...
Michael: Guys, what could she do to us?... do we have anything single malt?
Narrator: [thirty minutes later] And although the intervention didn't work...
Michael: We think you have a prollen.
Gob: You're a mesh.
Narrator: ...it turned into one of the Bluth family's better parties.

Sally: Still doing your little tricks?
George: Do you consider this to be a little trick?
[Gob tries to create a fireball, but sprays Sally with lighter fluid instead]
Sally: Did you just... squirt me with something?
George: It's lighter fluid. Didn't put in a new flint.
[trying to cover]
George: But still: where did the lighter fluid come from?

Gob: Gilligan killed the Skipper - I mean, the stripper!

Gob: Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: G.O.B., weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

Gob: Is that George Michael's girlfriend? What is she funny or something?

Lindsay: [about the Ten Commandments] I don't know... give 'em to a school.
Michael: I don't want anymore of my family members having run-in's with the law. The Ten Commandments stay.
George: So now you loooove the Ten Commandments.

George: I guess there are just some things you can't talk to your dad about, like... were you ever confused about women?
Gob: ...You mean, if there were three of us, and I didn't know where to start? No, I think I did pretty good...

Lindsay: This pig Phillip Litt is out there asking girls to take their tops off. It's an outrage.
Gob: Well, of course you feel that way. You're jealous. You're a surfboard.

Buster: [about Lucille] It's like she gets off on being withholding.
Michael: Whoa, Buster!
Gob: Look who's ragging on the old lady!
Buster: Because I'm an uptight
[long bleep]
Buster: Buster
[long bleep]
Buster: you old horny slut!
Michael: [stunned] Nobody's going to top that.

Gob: Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio.
Spanish: Como?
Gob: Oh, you're gonna be in a coma, all right.

Narrator: In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob: [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob: [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob: [as Franklin] You are one cool
[bleep]
Gob: . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]
George Sr.: Get off my wife, you bastard.
[strangles Franklin]
Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob: [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

Michael: Gob, I'm going to need you to sneak Mom out of rehab.
Gob: Gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at Spring Break would be Mom.
Buster: She's better than the whores you date.
Gob: Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster: Mom's still got it!
Gob: I don't date whores!
Lindsay: Stop it, both of you! This objectification of women has got to stop!
Michael: It's just Mom and whores.

Gob: [talking about his new boat] The Seaward.
Michael: You're not getting a boat.
Gob: [doing rock, paper, scissors] One, two, three.
Michael: You're not gonna do it...
[does rock]
Michael: .
Gob: Paper covers rock.
Michael: Fine, but rock sinks boat.
Lucille: [entering room] Michael.
Michael: Just a minute mom.
[to GOB]
Michael: . Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Gob: The zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel.
[Thinks for a moment]
Gob: There are six things I'm mad about...

Michael: We cant take GOB with us.
Narrator: Michael and GOB had been to Mexico before.
Gob: [after a kid offers him some "chicle"] I'm the chicle? You're the chicle!
[proceeds to do his chicken dance]
Narrator: Unfortunately in Mexico, this was considered a much more inflammatory gesture.

George: Gangy's having an anniversary party?
Michael: Seems that way.
George: Is Franklin gonna be there?
Gob: See that, Mike. Kids love Franklin.
George: I just don't want him to point out my cracker ass in front of Ann.

Michael: [Michael and GOB are trying to break into the prison] If only we had a map.
Gob: [rips off his shirt revealing a map] Like this? I drew it upside down.
Michael: This is going to be awkward.
Narrator: It was awkward.
Prison: [Michael is awkwardly positioned over GOB] Hey guys, if you want to party, maybe you should take it inside?
Gob: That was a freebie.

Lucille: I asked God to take anything from Buster to keep him from going to war.
Michael: Mom, god's not going to answer a call from you.
Gob: I trained the seal to eat cats, and then released him in the ocean.
Michael: OK, you've got a better case than mom does.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay finds herself strangely compelled to be with Tobias...
Lindsay: Oh my god, I'm sorry, I walked into the wrong trailer!
Dave: Wow, the service sent you over quick.
Narrator: ...But not the one she's married to.
Lindsay: [he quickly disrobes] You don't cry when you take those off?
Narrator: Having finally had sex, GOB can admit that he never consummated his marriage.
George: Your Honor, we never consummated this marriage.
Wife: Judge, maybe you should take a look at this, which was taken in your office just moments ago.
[She hands the judge a picture, and GOB is seen shirtless with the shirt over his head]
Narrator: Then GOB catches a lucky break.
Judge: There's no way to tell who this man is.
Narrator: But it doesn't last long.
George: Oh that's me, your honor, I fucked my wife.
Barry: Oh, we've really lost this case.
Narrator: And Maeby impresses some kids at the Promise Land with her one scary campfire story.
Mae: Knock, scrape. The only thing more terrifying than the escaped lunatic's hook was his twisted call!
[Buster enters the clearing while holding up his hook]
Buster: Hey, campers.
[the kids all scream and run away]
Buster: I'm a monster!
Michael: This may have been a step backward.

Gob: Steve Holt's not my son.
George: Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?
Gob: That's my son, you pothead.

Gob: Zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. I'm sick of playing second fiddle. I'm always third in line for everything. I'm tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.
Michael: You want to be in charge?
Gob: Yeah.
Michael: You want to deal with what I deal with? A sister who takes your money and throws it away. A mother who you can't trust. A company whose founder may be on trial for treason. Is that what you want?
Gob: What kind of vacation time does it offer?

Gob: The illusion is called "Free Bird." A magical bird--me in a beak--stands on a platform. There's a puff of smoke, then I'm gone. Then seconds later, high above in a once-empty cage, who should appear?
Lucille: A guy that kind of looks like you?
Gob: No... Not how I do the trick. Even if it was, how'd the look-alike get up there?
Michael: He was hiding behind this mirror here?
Gob: No!

Narrator: Gob was planning his escape from prison.
Gob: [peering into the cell block] Is there a private bathroom nearby?
George Sr.: [addresses the cell latrine] You're looking at it.
Gob: No, no, no. I can't use that. I need privacy. Yeah, I've always been that way. I can't go without privacy.
[sees that his dad is serious]
Gob: No, I can't pass this key without privacy!
George Sr.: Well, I could ask the guys to leave, but, uh, you know they've been locking the doors lately.
[goes back to reading]
Gob: [defeated] I've made a huge mistake.

Ann: So, how did you like your egg?
Gob: I said you were fine.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Mock Trial With J. Reinhold spawns imitators.
Gob: All rise, Bud Cort is now in session!
Bud: Please be seated.
Gob: [as Franklin] Hard to be seated when you got someone's hand up your ass!
Bud: Can we lose the puppet?
Narrator: And Michael discovers that he wasn't N. Bluth after all.
Michael: [looking at old family photos] I have an older sister?
Narrator: So much for not abandoning family.

Captain: How are you?
Gob: Incredible. I'm having an incredible year.
[High Fives the Captain]

Gob: I'm the pathetic one, Buster, not you. I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today. Like a little girl, in a little dress, little saddle shoes, little pigtails.
Buster: Wow, that does sound like a little girl.