Top 20 Quotes From Kiel Martin

Detective J.D. La Rue: [LaRue is attending his first AA meeting] My name's John...
[he takes a long breath]
Detective J.D. La Rue: i, I guess I'm an alcoholic.
AA: Hi, John!
[LaRue starts to sit back down]
Furillo: How you doing, J.D.?
[LaRue looks around the room in shock and sees Furillo sitting among the members]
Ben: You're most welcome to this meeting, John. There's a new life for you here if you want it... and we all hope you do.
[LaRue looks like he's about to cry as he nods yes]

Officer: Where's Wash?
Officer John 'J.D.' LaRue: Doin' a Rumba with Sal Benedetto. How the hell would I know?

Joyce: Are you quite finished?
Officer J.D. LaRue: No ma'am, I never seem to quite finish for hours and hours...

Officer J.D. LaRue: I almost died today...
[breaks down sobbing]
Officer J.D. LaRue: and I don't have anyone to talk to.
Det. Neal Washington: Come on, babe, come on, come on,
[hugs J.D]
Det. Neal Washington: It's alright.

Det. Neal Washington: Look at you, you're half juiced!
Detective J.D. La Rue: Hey man, hey man, you come on now, I'm gonna tell you something. I haven't had...
[waits for Furillo & Calletano to walk past]
Detective J.D. La Rue: I haven't had a drink all day. One drink. Ok, one drink, all day.
Det. Neal Washington: Yeah, one drink out of a bowl!

Rob: If not for your sake, then do it for hers? Peg'd sleep a lot better...
J.D. LaRue: Peg'd sleep a lot better if you weren't getting it on with that little cookie in there.

Sgt. Howard Hunter: Item six, a memo from division: since the new copy machines have been installed, printing costs from all precincts have risen over 300 per cent. Starting noon today, the copier will accept only those documents that have been stamped with a police identification code.
[rumbling from the cops in attendance]
Sgt. Howard Hunter: Further more, the department will absorb the cost of four, and only four, reprints. Any number over four, and it's your nickle.
Officer J.D. LaRue: Hey sarge, sergeant, are you aware that the D.A.'s office is asking for five copies of all arrest reports?
Sgt. Howard Hunter: Which is why God invented carbon paper, detective.

Det. Neal Washington: Hey J.D., we gotta get back to the precinct, babe. Somethin' about a missing heart.
Officer J.D. LaRue: That's not fatal. Rob's lived with that for years.

J.D. LaRue: [gazing at reporter Cynthia Chase] She wants me so bad, it's eating her up inside. She just doesn't realize it yet.

Detective J.D. LaRue: [talking to a doctor in the doctor's office] Okay. I'm a drunk. I tried to quit. I couldn't. And because I'm a drunk, I'm a liar, and nobody trusts a liar.
[sighs]
Detective J.D. LaRue: I lost my partner. I'm... I'm probably gonna lose my job.
[sighs again]
Detective J.D. LaRue: I'm scared. I've never been so scared in my life, Doctor. I'm scared to go to work, I'm scared to go home. I'm scared to be with a woman. I'm scared to be here. I need help. And... and if... if I don't get help now, I'm gonna die. And... and I don't wanna die.
[starts weeping]
Detective J.D. LaRue: Please, God. Please, God!
[sobbing, as the Doctor's consoling hand reaches in to pat him on the shoulder]
Detective J.D. LaRue: Please. Don't let me die...

LaRue: [trying to cheer Hunter up by changing the subject] Bobby's gonna put that bum in four different hospitals.

Detective J.D. LaRue: Kristen, your hands are so... so soft.
Kristen: Well I have a special cream I love to rub all over my skin.
Detective J.D. LaRue: You do, huh?
Kristen: Made by the secretions of queen bees.
Detective J.D. LaRue: Secretions? What part of your body... skin do you rub this cream on?
Kristen: Well, I like to rub it on the underside of my legs, and then sometimes I like to rub it in all over my shoulders, and sometimes I like to get it in my hands and rub it in between them so it squishes out between my fingers. And sometimes I like to rub it... I have to go. Thanks for showing me how you fingerprint criminals.
Detective J.D. LaRue: Alabaster skin, man, supple bosoms, uptilted...
Det. Neal Washington: Mandatory five-year sentence, loss of pension, picture in the paper...
Kristen: Goodbye, John. I hope you don't have too hard of a day.

Washington: [Bobby's boxing match is about to commence] This guy is a real chump, Bobby.
LaRue: He couldn't hit the ground falling out of a tree.
[J.D. and Neal step down from the ring]
LaRue: [out of Bobby's earshot] Bobby's dead.
Washington: Simmons'll kill 'em.

Sgt. Howard Hunter: [during Roll Call] Sgt. Stanis Jablonski, Metro Police, retired, is going hunting with several of our colleagues.
Sgt. Lucy Bates: They're going out to kill Bambi.
[laughter and murmering from the other cops]
Sgt. Lucy Bates: They're going out to slaughter poor defenceless creatures.
Officer J.D. LaRue: Hey, if you can eat it, you can kill it.
Sgt. Lucy Bates: Wanna keep your personal life to yourself, LaRue?

Officer J.D. LaRue: [having just received the tip he needs from Sid] Sid, you are beautiful.
Sid: Heh. From certain angles.

J.D. LaRue: [Farnsworth is trying to sell better protection for the flame on Belker's father's grave but J.D. grabs him by the lapels] Now you take your all-weather wind break, your copper delivery system and you three quarter inch wick and you cram it, Farnsworth! Now, he ain't springing for dime one. Now I've got a perfect view of this cut-rate boneyard of yours from the 36th street overpass every day on my way to work. Alright, now I don't care it's four O'clock in the morning, there's a hurricane blowing out here. I catch the flame on my partner's dad's grave out for one second, and you're gonna be perpetually eternally dead. Not perpetually, not eternally, but perpetually eternally dead! Now you got it?

Jorge: Do I look like a kidnapper to you?
Officer J.D. LaRue: Man, with your breath, I don't think you could get close enough to anybody to kidnap 'em.

Det. Neal Washington: [after entering barbershop] Police. Charles Morris work here?
Barbershop: I don't see him.
[instructing his intern]
Barbershop: Keep it even, Tony.
Officer J.D. LaRue: What time do you expect him to become visible?

Furillo: Smart move, LaRue. You went out on an important operation in a unit with no brakes. How do you explain that? Maybe I can explain it for you.
Detective J.D. La Rue: Hey. Wa - wa -
Furillo: [removes bottle from LaRue's shirt] You're a drunk, my friend. And because you're a drunk, you're a screwup. And I'm through waiting for you to change. You got a couple of choices, pal. Either this, or you call a Lieutenant Johnson down at Division and you say to him, "I'm a drunk, and I want to change." You got that? "I want to change." Otherwise, you're out of this police department, and I mean now.
[hands bottle back to LaRue]

Officer J.D. LaRue: [Goldblume is having marriage problems] You tried hitting her, Henry?
Det. Henry Goldblume: Great John, you're a huge help.
Officer J.D. LaRue: I know my women, Henry.
Det. Henry Goldblume: Your women?
[J.D. nods]
Det. Henry Goldblume: You haven't had a meaningful relationship with a woman since your mother quit breastfeeding you.