50 Best Last Action Hero Quotes

Danny: The house looked European, like maybe if you get a postcard from Italy or something. Like that one. In fact, just like that one! The bad guys are in there!
Jack: You know something? I think you should be wearing this.
Danny: I don't think I've earned it yet.
Jack: You don't understand. You just solved the entire case. you just revolutionized the entire history of police training. I mean all these years at the academy, studying human character, psyche of the terrorists, fingerprint analysis, all the courses that I've taken in surveillance, hostage negotiation, and criminal psychology, when all I have to do is drive around the neighborhood, point my finger at a house, and say, "the bad guys are in there!"?
Danny: You think you're funny, don't you?
Jack: I know I am. I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger.
Jack: Schwarzenegger!
Jack: Gesundheit.

Benedict: Here, in this world, the bad guys can win!

Nick: There are lots of things worse than movies: politicians, wars, forest fires, famine, plague, sickness, pain, warts, politicians...
Jack: You already mentioned them.
Nick: I know I did. They are twice as bad as anything else.

Death: [looking down at a wounded Jack Slater] I was only curious, he's not on any of my lists.
Death: [turns to Danny] but *you* are... Daniel.
Danny: Now?
Death: No, you die a grandfather...

Ripper: Hey, Jack. What kept you?
Jack: Are you alright, Danny?
Danny: Yes, sir.
Ripper: You know, I tried to change, Jack. I really tried to do what he told me to do. You know, but I kept hearing that old music. That's how I knew you'd come, Jack. Now lose the piece.
[throws gun off the roof]
Jack: There, it's now it's between you and me. Now let the boy go.
Ripper: Now we've played this number before haven't we, Jack? Let's see, what comes next. You t - you throw the gun away. Right... we did that part.
[mock laughter, puts down axe]
Ripper: Then, you tell me to let the kid go. Ah, I'm getting bored, why don't we just skip to the end?
[throws Danny over the ledge]

Jack: [John Practice has just betrayed Slater] Danny told me not to trust you. He said you killed Mozart.
John: Mo- who?
Jack: -zart.
John: [thinks for a bit, shrugs] You know, I kill a lot of people, I can't remember half of them.

[Jack Slater throws Benedict against a wall, and both Benedict and his servant disappears through it]
Jack: Usually when I do that it leaves a hole...

Tony: What is this, Benedict? First you're my friend; now you turn a... 360 on me!
Benedict: 180, you stupid, spaghetti-slurping cretin - *180*! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started!
Tony: What?
Benedict: Trust me!
[shoots him]

Dekker: SLAAAAAAAAAATERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Jack: Sir, are you a henchman?
Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey.

Danny: Where are the ordinary, everyday women? They don't exist because this is a movie!
Jack: No, this is California.

Jack: You've seen these movies where they say "Make my day" or "I'm your worst nightmare"? Well, listen to this one: Rubber baby buggie bumpers!
[turns to Danny]
Jack: Ha! You didn't know I'm gonna say that, did you?

Danny: [Slater prepares to jump out a window in pursuit of Benedict] Jack, where are you going?
Jack: [referring to Benedict and his ever-changing glass eye] Got to catch the red-eye!

Danny: You think you are funny, don't you?
Jack: I know I am. I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger.
Danny: Schwarzenegger!
Jack: Gesundheit.

Tough: [answers the door] May I help you?
Jack: Yes, could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?
Tough: I beg your pardon?
Jack: It's a beautiful day and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?

Danny: Benedict! If you harm a hair on her head...
Benedict: Stop!
[Pulls one strand of Whitney's hair, presents it to Danny, and snaps it in two]
Benedict: You were saying?
[Pulls up a chair]
Benedict: Now, I believe it was Sherlock Holmes who said, "If you eliminate all logical solutions to a problem - all illogical solutions, however unlikely, become inevitably true." See, I know that your name is Daniel Madigan. What I don't know is how you know mine?
Danny: Slater showed me some mugshots. We made your face easy.
Benedict: Daniel Madigan from New York. A long way from home, aren't you. When did you get here?
Danny: Just.
Benedict: And how do you know what I said on Vivaldi's terrace?
Danny: I heard it in a recording.
Benedict: Microphones in the statues, are there?
Danny: You wouldn't believe how many.
Benedict: And the eye I was wearing?
Danny: I saw it. I saw it in a movie. There were micro-cameras in the statues.
Benedict: I should tell you, that I have killed people smarter and younger than you.

The: Jack, as mayor of this great metropolis, you and I have had our little tiffs, but this is the Lieutenant Governor.
Lt. Governor: Slater, here's what I...
Jack: [breaks the Lieutenant Governor's nose] When the Governor gets here, call me.

Jack: [listening to the radio] Can you turn this up, please? What's that?
Irene: Mozart.
Jack: [to Danny] The guy who Practice killed?
Danny: That's right, Jack.
Irene: You like classical music?
Jack: I don't know. I think I will.
[smiles]
Jack: Wow.

[Dead assassin tumbles out of closet after Slater has fired into it without warning]
Danny: How'd you know there was a guy in there?
Jack: There's always a guy in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.

Danny: What if staying in the car is what gets me killed?
Jack: There's a gun in the glove compartment.

Benedict: [to Danny] I must warn you, I've killed people smarter and younger than you.

Jack: [hearing Mozart on the radio] ... Shhh can you turn that up? What is that?
Danny's: It's Mozart...
Jack: [looks at Danny and whispers] ... The one Practice killed?
Danny's: You like Mozart?
Jack: [smiles] ... I don't know, but I think I will... Wow.

Dekker: You suck the blood outta cottonpickin' toes I can take from you! I got the California Raisins cast is doing an all-male version of The Diary of Anne Frank doing the all-male version in my frizza sibba! Tiny Tim has stepped onto a totem, so what? You ball peen jackameenis, I'll slap the mouth-outtall the cocksuckin' tales I can take from you! Fridda feen? You know, you take the mayor in the library bush; you're never gonna azizza bazizzes down at the beach; go down to the beaches, y'know? You take the chicken out the bag and stick it UP!

Jack: Kid! Who does the doctor treat?
Danny: Patients?
Jack: Look at the elbow of my jacket. What is it doing?
Danny: Wearing thin?
Jack: Bingo!

Death: I don't do fiction. Not my field.

Jack: Let's say this is a movie. How many times have you heard someone say, "stay in the car," and the guy doesn't? What happens?
Danny: He saves the day.
Jack: Or, gets killed!

Dekker: And you promised me you wouldn't tell!
Jack: I didn't.
Dekker: Well, then how did he know?
Danny: "Jack Slater I".
Dekker: What's winning got to do with this?
Danny: No. The very first "Jack Slater".
Dekker: [to Jack] You told your dad?
Jack: I didn't tell anybody! I don't even know this kid!
Dekker: Well, he sure seems to know a lot about us.

Benedict: If God was a villain, he'd be me.

Jack: [to Dekker] Put a sock in it. I don't care who does what to your Hersey highway. And stop shouting! I'm not deaf! You know why you're shouting? Because it's in the script. You're the comic relief. Yes. And you know what else? I am the hero. So SHUT UP!

Danny: Wait a second. Where you going?
Jack: I'll be back!
[pause]
Jack: Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
Danny: That's what you always say?
Jack: I do?
[sigh]
Danny: Everyone keeps keeps waiting for you to work it in. It's kind of like your calling card.

Benedict: I wonder if you'd help me test a theory?
Mechanic: Sure, what can I do for ya?
Benedict: Well...
[Benedict shoots him. He listens for a while, looks at his wristwatch, then shouts]
Benedict: Hello? I've just shot somebody, I did it on purpose!
[listens some more, still nothing]
Benedict: I said, I have murdered a man and I want to confess!
[listens some more, someone tells him, "Hey, shut up, down there!". He looks pleased]

John: How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Jack: By practice. John Practice!

Benedict: I understand you are interested in drug dealers.
Danny: [whispering] Jack, that's him, the henchman with the glass eye.
Jack: Sir, are you a henchman?
Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey. Anything else?
Jack: Yeah, take off your sunglasses.
Benedict: Who's asking?
Jack: [flashes Police badge] The tin man.
Benedict: Well, tin man, suppose you hit the bricks.
Jack: No, they're the wrong color.
Benedict: Are they? Oh dear. Let's change them. Would arterial red suit you?
[points to guard dogs]
Benedict: Make no mistake, they are exceptionally well-trained.
[snaps fingers, dogs form pyramid]
Benedict: I snap my fingers again and some time tomorrow, you emerge from several canine rector. Or you and Toto can return to the land of Oz. Questions?
Jack: Yeah, two of them. Why am I wasting my time with silly putz like you when I could be doing something more dangerous - like rearranging my sock drawer? Two, how exactly are you going to snap your fingers, after I rip off both of your thumbs?
[pause, Benedict reveals smiley-face eye]
Benedict: Have a nice day!
[closing the door, he overhears Danny]
Danny: He had one with a bulls-eye when he was with your second cousin. He hates his boss, he calls him a "Sicilian schmuck."

James: I'm not really a big fan of Arnold's... She is, you know... Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there when it happens.

Danny: Watch it, Jack. He killed Mozart.
Jack: In a movie?
Danny: Amadeus. It won eight Oscars.
Jack: I saved his life in 'Nam. I'll make sure to be on the lookout. Thanks. Now, no more movies!

Ripper's: Did Nicholson show up for the premiere of "Batman" dressed as the Joker? I don't THINK so!

Danny: I thought I was going to die.
Jack: Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation... and your first divorce.

Jack: [to cop barring his way] You wanna be a farmer? Here's a couple of achers!
[Kicks cop in the groin]

John: Somebody once told me I talk too much... No more words
[two gunshots and falls down]

Jack: I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
Danny: That's what you always say!
Jack: I do?

Death: [to Danny] You're very brave. But also not very bright. If I were you, I'd be looking for the other half of the ticket.

[Playing "Chicken" riding a bike]
Danny: This is gonna work. It's a movie, I'm a good guy. This has got to work!
[Danny thinks again]
Danny: I'm a comedy sidekick. Oh, shit! I'm a comedy sidekick! IT'S NOT GONNA WORK!

[watching Jack wipe tar off his face with a paper towel]
Danny: You know, tar actually sticks to some people.

[about to shoot Benedict]
Jack: No sequel for you.

Jack: I mean, all I had to do, is just drive around the neighborhood, and point my finger at a house, and say 'The bad guys are in there!'

[Jack Slater is Hamlet]
Hamlet: Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake!
Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.
Old: Stay thy hand, fair prince.
Hamlet: [shooting him] Who said I'm fair?
Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night.
Hamlet: To be or not to be? Not to be.

Ripper: Jack, what kept you? Andy here's been getting nervous. I promised him you'd come. Gave him my word of honor he could watch you die. Lose the cannon.
Jack: Has he hurt you Andrew?
Ripper: Hurt, Jack? You say hurt? What do you know about hurt, Jack? You put me in a cage for ten years.
Jack: You should've gotten the death penalty.
Ripper: Yeah, shoulda, woulda, coulda, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Things crawling around on your head. Sitting on my chest when I wake up. You know what that's like, Jack? It was your illegal search, that rendered the bloody axe admissible. Remember, Jack? Now lose the gun.
[Jack puts his gun on the ground]
Jack: Alright, I'm unarmed.
Ripper: Just one gun, Jack? You gotta be kidding.
[Jack removes nearly a dozen guns]
Ripper: That all, sport?
Jack: Yup, that about does it.
[pulls out grenade]
Jack: Oh, unless you consider this a weapon.
[throws grenade at Ripper's feet]
Ripper: Brilliant, brilliant, Jack. I surrender.
Jack: It's a live grenade.
Ripper: Yeah right, Jack, right right right. You're gonna sacrifice your own child to get to me. I'm very flattered, Jack, but I doubt it. Andy, pick up the grenade.
[Andy slowly picks up the grenade]
Ripper: Come on. Show it to me. That's good. Jack, that toy, can't hurt the boy.
[flashes Axe]
Ripper: But this one can.

Benedict: Gentlemen. Since you are about to die anyway, I may as well tell you the entire plot. Think of villains Jack. You want Dracula? Dra-cool-la? Hang on
[takes out the ticket]
Benedict: , I'll fetch him. Dracula? Huh. I can get King Kong! We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger, have a surprize party for Adolf Hitler, Hannibal Lecter can do the catering, and then we'll have christening for Rosemary's Baby! All I have to do is snap my fingers and they'll be here. They're lining up to get here, and do you know why Jack? Should I tell you why? Hmm? Because here, in this world, the bad guys can win!

[after seeing a "Terminator 2" poster with Sylvester Stallone]
Danny: No. It's not possible!
Jack: What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!
Danny: But... that was you! YOU were in that movie!
[a girl close-by hears them]
Video: [to Jack] You were in a movie?
Jack: Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together.

Jack: Iced that guy, to cone a phrase.