The Best Nigel Tufnel Quotes

David St. Hubbins: We say, "Love your brother." We don't say it really, but...
Nigel: We don't literally say it.
David St. Hubbins: No, we don't say it.
Nigel: We don't really, literally mean it.
David St. Hubbins: No, we don't believe it either, but...
Nigel: But we're not racists.
David St. Hubbins: But that message should be clear, anyway.
Nigel: We're anything but racists.

Marty: Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?
David St. Hubbins: Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...
Nigel: ...Festival.
David St. Hubbins: Jazz blues festival. Where was that?
Nigel: Blues jazz, really.
Derek: Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.
Nigel: It was in the Isle of, uh...
David St. Hubbins: Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival.
Nigel: And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.
Derek: Just like that.
David St. Hubbins: He just went up.
Nigel: He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.
David St. Hubbins: Look at his face.
Nigel: Well, there was...
David St. Hubbins: It's true, this really did happen.
Nigel: It's true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.
David St. Hubbins: Like a stain, really.
Nigel: It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.
David St. Hubbins: You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.

[When asked what happened to their first drummer]
David St. Hubbins: He died in a bizarre gardening accident...
Nigel: Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.

[Nigel is playing a soft piece on the piano]
Marty: It's very pretty.
Nigel: Yeah, I've been fooling around with it for a few months.
Marty: It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play.
Nigel: It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why.
Marty: It's very nice.
Nigel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...
Marty: What do you call this?
Nigel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".

Nigel: It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.

[last lines]
Nigel: [on what he would do if he couldn't be a rock star] Well, I suppose I could, uh, work in a shop of some kind, or... or do, uh, freelance, uh, selling of some sort of, uh, product. You know...
Marty: A salesman?
Nigel: A salesman, like maybe in a, uh, haberdasher, or maybe like a, uh, um... a chapeau shop or something. You know, like, "Would you... what size do you wear, sir?" And then you answer me.
Marty: Uh... seven and a quarter.
Nigel: "I think we have that." See, something like that I could do.
Marty: Yeah... you think you'd be happy doing something like-...
Nigel: "No; we're all out. Do you wear black?" See, that sort of thing I think I could probably... muster up.
Marty: Do you think you'd be happy doing that?
Nigel: Well, I don't know - wh-wh-... what're the hours?

Nigel: Why don't you play this alone, without some fucking angel hanging over your head, you know what I mean?
Derek: Jesus Christ, this is fucking all we need!
Nigel: You can't fucking concentrate, because of your fucking wife, simple as that, alright, it's your fucking wife!
David St. Hubbins: She's not my wife.
Nigel: Well, whatever fuck she is, alright, you can't concentrate. We can't fucking do the track.

Nigel: [Showing Marty his Les Paul]
[Imitating Vibrato]
Nigel: You can go have a bite and
[vibrato]
Nigel: you'd still be hearing that.

Nigel: You can't really dust for vomit.

[Marty compliments Nigel on his tee shirt]
Nigel: You like this?
Marty: It's very nice. It looks like hollow wood.
Nigel: This is my exact inner structure, done in a tee shirt. Exactly medically accurate. See?
Marty: So in other words if we were to take all your flesh and blood...
Nigel: Take them off. This is what you'd see.
Marty: It wouldn't be green though.
[Nigel points at Marty]
Nigel: It is green. You see how your blood looks blue.
Marty: Yeah, well that's just the vein. That's the color of the vein. The blood is actually red.
Nigel: Oh then, maybe it's not green. Anyway this is what I sleep in sometimes.

Ian: They're not gonna release the album... because they have decided that the cover is sexist.
Nigel: Well, so what? What's wrong with bein' sexy? I mean there's no...
Ian: Sex-IST!
David St. Hubbins: IST!

David St. Hubbins: It's such a fine line between stupid, and uh...
Nigel: Clever.
David St. Hubbins: Yeah, and clever.

[Nigel Tufnel is showing Marty DiBergi one of his favorite guitars]
Nigel: The sustain, listen to it.
Marty: I don't hear anything.
Nigel: Well you would though, if it were playing.

Nigel: [about the back-stage buffet] Look, this. This miniature bread, it like... I've been working with this now for about half an hour and i can't figure out... let's say I wanted a bite, right. You got this...
Ian: You'd like bigger bread?
Nigel: Exactly. I don't under stand how...
Ian: [gestures to the meat] You could just fold this... though.
Nigel: [folding the bread] Well, no... then it's half the size...
Ian: No, not the bread.
[folding the meat]
Ian: You could fold the meat...
Nigel: [still folding the bread] Yeah, but then it breaks up. It breaks apart like this...
Ian: [putting the folded meat onto the miniature bread] No, no, no... you put it on the bread like this; see?
Nigel: [folding the miniature sandwich] But if you keep folding it, then it keeps breaking...
Ian: Why would you keep folding it?
Nigel: ...and then everything has to be folded... and then you have
[holds up miniature sandwich]
Nigel: ... this. And I don't want this. I want large bread, so I can put this...
[puts meat between two pieces of miniature bread]
Nigel: ... so then it's like this. But this doesn't work, because then it's all...
Ian: Because it hangs out like that?
Nigel: Look! would you be holding this?
Ian: No. I wouldn't want to eat...
Nigel: No! Alright, A. Exhibit, exhibit A.
[throws down miniature sandwich]
Nigel: And now we move onto this...
[picks up an olive]
Nigel: Look, look; who's in here? No one.
[picks up an olive stuffed with pimento]
Nigel: And in here, there's a little guy, look! So, it's a complete catastrophe!
Ian: Alright, Nigel, Nigel... calm down...
Nigel: Look... no, it's no big deal, It's a joke... it's really... it's a joke.
Ian: I'm sorry, it's just some prat at university, you know? I really... I don't want it to affect your performance.
Nigel: It's not going to affect my performance, don't worry about that. I just hate it... it really, it does disturb me, but i'll rise above it; I'm a professional.

Marty: Let's talk about your reviews a little bit. Regarding Intravenus de Milo - "This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."
Nigel: That's... that's nitpicking, isn't it?

[discussing Nigel's Guitar collection]
Nigel: Look... still has the old tag on, never even played it.
Marty: [points his finger] You've never played...?
Nigel: Don't touch it!
Marty: We'll I wasn't going to touch it, I was just pointing at it.
Nigel: Well... don't point! It can't be played.
Marty: Don't point, okay. Can I look at it?
Nigel: No. no. That's it, you've seen enough of that one.

Nigel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
Marty: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel: Exactly.
Marty: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty: I don't know.
Nigel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel: [pause] These go to eleven.

Nigel: We've got Armadillos in our trousers. It's really quite frightening.

[Nigel, introducing the Stonehenge theme concert]
Nigel: In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing...