50 Best Weird Science Quotes

[Gary and Wyatt are about to go out with Lisa and they both are wearing dorky suits and hairstyles]
Wyatt: What are we going to do with her?
Gary: Look, we'll just go with the situation okay? And I'm sure by Sunday you'll think of something. You're a very bright guy. I have a lot of faith in you okay?
Wyatt: I'm just being practical.
Gary: I know you are and I apperciate it.
Wyatt: But what are we going to do about this mess?
Gary: Wyatt you have plenty of time to clean up tommorrow okay?
Wyatt: Ok but don't get any B.O. on Chet's suit, or he'd kill me.
[they walk out of the room and all of a sudden they are wearing nice suits]
Wyatt: Where are we going anyway?
Gary: I don't know she said we're going downtown and OH MY GOD! Whose stuff is this? Is this yours?
Wyatt: Oh shit!
Gary: What's going on here?
Wyatt: I don't know.
Gary: Wyatt, what's going on here?
Wyatt: GARY I DON'T KNOW! But you look good though all right?
Gary: Yeah?
Wyatt: Yeah.

Gary: [3:49] Where'd your parents go anyway?
Wyatt: Cincinnati. They're meeting the guy my sister wants to marry.
Gary: Chloe? Who the hell would want to marry Chloe?
Wyatt: He's studying to be a vet.
[He grimaces slightly, wondering if that has anything to do with it]

Chet: How 'bout a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?

Lisa: If you ever get the chance, shower with them. I did. Mmm, it's a mindscrambler. Hurts so good.

Lisa: [56:25] You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for who you are, not for what you can give them. Well, in your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.
Wyatt: We forgot to hook up the doll.
Lisa: You forgot to hook up the doll.

Chet: Lady, I wanna get to the bottom of this. ASAFP.
Lisa: Oh, so do I.
Chet: But first I'd like to... butter your muffin.
Lisa: Why do you have to be such a wanker?
Chet: Because I get off on it!

Lisa: I can be a real serious bitch - if I don't get what I want.
Chet: Hmm. Hit me with your best shot.
[grins]

[Gary and Wyatt are in the bathroom while Hilly and Deb are outside]
Hilly: What are you guys doing here?
Wyatt: [from inside the bathroom] Gary was just takin' a shit!
[Gary closes the door and slaps the grinning Wyatt hard across the face]

Lisa: If you don't cheer up, I'll blow your face off.

Chet: [opens a pantry door, his grandparents are in there, frozen] Hi Nanny, hi Grampy.
Chet: [closes door and turns to everyone else] I'm not a moron, you know. I...
Chet: [suddenly realizes] Was that my grandparents?
Chet: [Lisa nods, Chet opens the door again] Are they dead?
Lisa: Oh, no, they're just resting.
Chet: What are they doing in here?
Lisa: I put them in there. I didn't want the boys to get into trouble. Quite frankly, they weren't having a very good time at the party.
Chet: Not having a good time? Do you think they're having a good time being catatonic in a closet?

Lisa: If you want be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle.

Lisa: What are you so nervous about? Everything's cool.
Gary: EVERYTHING'S COOL! Yeah yeah. My dad's gonna castrate me. And my mother almost had like cardiac arrest. My parents are not gonna let me in the house again and if they do I'm gonna be grounded till I'm about 45. But other than that everything's great. Everything's cool. In fact things can't get any better.

Wyatt: You know Gary, for the first time in my life; I don't feel like a total dick.

Gary: Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet, detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria.

Chet: I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad everything. I'm even considering makin' up some shit!"

Gary: That's not a bad idea.
Wyatt: What?
Gary: Making a girl. Actually making a girl. Like Frankenstein... except cuter.
Wyatt: [stands up] You're serious?
Gary: Yes.
[Gary grabs Wyatt by the collar and pulls him towards him]
Gary: Look me in the eye. Do I look serious?
Wyatt: Gary Wallace, that's-that's gross! That's sick! I am not digging up dead girls!
Gary: [Gary puts his hand over Wyatt's mouth and sits him down on the bed] No, I'm not talking about digging up a dead girl, Wyatt. I'm talking about your system, idiot, your computer!

Chet: [to Wyatt] Boy, I wouldn't give a squirt of piss for your ass right now.

Wyatt: Do you think Lisa's having a good time?
Gary: Lisa could have a good time at an insurance seminar, Wyatt.

Gary: This isn't my car. This isn't my suit. Those weren't even my friends.
Deb: Why are you telling me this?
Gary: Because I want you to like me for what I am.
Deb: Whatever you are, I like it.

Chet: [30:08] Like your panties!
Wyatt: It's a joke, Chet!
Chet: That's not a joke, that's a severe behavioral disorder. I mean, the next thing you know, you'll be wearing a bra on your head!

[the drunk Gary starts laughing and buries his face in Wyatt's shoulder]
Wyatt: [nervously] He's not laughing at you, Chet.
Gary: [still laughing; nods] Yes, I am.

Lucy: Yes. It's Gary. It's our boy Gary. He's our 16 year old boy.
Al: No, no, no. I don't know what the hell your talking about Lucy, and I want you to shut up.

Mutant: Can we keep this... between us? I'd hate to lose my teaching job...

Wyatt: [referring to Lisa] Do you think she'll understand?
[Gary puts his arm around Wyatt's shoulders]
Gary: I'm sure she will. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn't wanna date you.
[Wyatt grins]
Gary: You're not my type, you know.

Lisa: [13:34] You guys created me, I didn't come from anywhere. Before you started messing around with your computer, I didn't even exist. By the way, you did an excellent job. Thank you.

Chet: [pointing a rifle at Gary's face] Freeze!
Gary: Chet!
Chet: [Hits Gary in the head with the rifle] Where's my brother?
Gary: Ow... uh, I don't know.
Chet: [Hits Gary again] You're dead meat pilgrim!
[Points the rifle at Deb]
Gary: Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, that's her nose. Come on, Chet she's got nothing to do with this!
Chet: Ok. You die, she walks out of here with a severe limp.
[Points the rifle at Gary and Deb repeately, then hits both in the head]
Chet: I'll be back.
[Leaves the room]
Gary: That's Wyatt's older brother Chet. He's kind of an asshole.

[Lisa kisses Wyatt]
Lisa: Are you sure you're only fifteen?
Wyatt: [smiles] I'll be sixteen in June.

Lisa: [smiles] That's my boys.

Gary: How's your stomach?
Wyatt: It's a little better.
Gary: [starts pacing] If you're going to float an air biscuit, let me know, okay?
Wyatt: [confused] Float a what?
Gary: [slightly annoyed] If you're gonna fart, if you're gonna squeeze cheese, let me know, okay? I'll hit the fan!
Wyatt: I'm sorry, Gary, it's just I suffer from pain and discomfort due to occasional stomach upset.

[Gary is chanting incoherently. Wyatt seemed very confused by his best friend's odd behaviour. They are both wearing bras on their heads]
Wyatt: Gary?... By the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?
Gary: [hesitates] Ceremonial.

Wyatt: A missile! A MISSILE! A MISSILE IN MY HOUSE, GARY!
Max: [Banging on it] Yup, this puppy's for real all right.
Gary: It was an accident. You know it happens.
Wyatt: ACCIDENT MY ASS, GARY! MY PARENTS ARE COMING HOME. CHET'S COMING HOME. THEY'RE GONNA FREAK OUT!
Gary: They're gonna shit egg rolls.

[Wyatt is driving himself, Gary and Lisa back to his home. Gary is very drunk]
Gary: Gimme de keys! Gimme de keys!
Wyatt: [to Lisa; concerned] Is he going to be okay?

Lisa: Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?
Lucy: Oh Gary! Oh my God!
Gary: Ma, I never tossed off to anything!
Lucy: You told me you were combing your hair!
Gary: I was! I was!

Susan,: [31:15] You guys looking for something for your mom?
[Gary and Wyatt exchanged an amused look]
Gary: I really don't think so...
[reads her nametag]
Gary: Sue.
Susan,: [astonished] You guys have... girlfriends?
Gary: You know, I really wouldn't refer to a 23-year-old woman as a girlfriend... more of a lover...
Gary: Lover... mistress.
Wyatt: Sexpot.
Gary: Sexpot is what she is.
Susan,: You guys are the ones who got beat up at the homecoming game... right?

[Gary and Wyatt have just returned home from a bar. Gary is very drunk but Wyatt is perfectly sober]
Chet: [to Wyatt] If he pukes, you die.

Lisa: This is a nuclear missile!
Chet: I didn't think it was a whale's dick, honey!

Lisa: If we're going to have any fun together, you guys have better learn to loosen up.

Wyatt: Gary, you're just as uptight as I am, all right?
Gary: Nobody could be as uptight as you! Nobody! Your middle name is tense. Wyatt "Tense Up" Donnelly.
Wyatt: All right, this is true, this is true.
Gary: It's true.
Wyatt: But it's not so bad. We can hear the music.
Gary: [sarcastically] We can hear the music, that's great. Maybe if we put our noses to the door, we can smell the food!

Lisa: [22:15] You okay?
Gary: Well, my nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that, I'm perfect!

Lisa: Don't threaten me Al! You're out of shape, I'll kick your arse.

Lisa: Just for that I ought to give you a set of elephant balls!

Lisa: You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of hundred kids running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.

Henry: I'm not going to stand here and listen to this baloney.
Carmen: He won't, you know. He doesn't stand for baloney.

Gary: Wyatt, your kitchen is blue...!

Wyatt: Gary, where the hell do you get that thing?
Gary: It's a squirt gun, man.
[Suddenly, there's a loud bang and a chandelier crashes to the ground. Both Gary and Wyatt look terrified]

[the woman that Gary and Wyatt created is looking for a name]
Gary: [15:35] How about Lisa?
Lisa: Why Lisa?
Gary: Why not?
Wyatt: He used to like a girl named Lisa.
Lisa: [smiles] Oh yeah? Old girlfriend?
Wyatt: She kicked him in the nuts.
Gary: [annoyed] Will you shut the hell up?
Wyatt: [sympathetically] Look Gary, it wasn't your fault. All you said was hello to her.
Gary: [annoyed] Look Wyatt, shut up!
[Wyatt puts up his hands defensively, indicating that he will shut up. He looks slightly hurt by Gary's treatment of him as he was only trying to help]

Lisa: [13:23] So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?

[Wyatt and Lisa are going downstairs. He looks very nervous and tense]
Lisa: Wyatt, you're going to have a heart attack by the time you're forty if you don't learn to relax. Have you tried inversion boots?

Chet: You two donkey-dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue.

Gary: You know, I can't believe this, Wyatt. I'm so disappointed in us. I mean, all our lives we've been saying how great it would be if we went to parties, right? And now it's our party and we're in the john. We're in the john!