Top 30 Quotes From Alia Shawkat

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Church And State Fair, Maeby was signing up for the inner beauty pagaent.
George: So why are you doing this, Maeby?
Mae: It's Shirley. I'm just here to show that all these pagaents care about is looks.
George: What's with your nose?
Mae: Isn't it cool? It's the same one Nicole Kidman wore in "The Hours".
Narrator: It had been purchased for her by Jamie Kennedy who was hoping to land a part in Maeby's film.
Jamie: Ten thousand dollars!
Mae: You're such a dear, but I'm not putting you in my remake.
[a giant green "X" appears on Jamie Kennedy]

Maeby: [takes the bag of food] I think I WILL do better once I get a little mexican in me!

Mae: [Maebe and George Michael are planning to follow Maebe's parents] Go! Drive!
George: Well, it says "Bluth Company" on the side, they'll notice that. Plus it's a staircase, that's going to catch the eye.
Narrator: The airport stairway vehicle is the last vestige of the Bluth's former wealth. Also, that House Of Pies went out of business.

Maeby: What on earth is taking so long? Am I the only one who wants to get home and see their kids?

[while George-Michael and Maeby are going through files at the patent office, Maeby sticks her gum to the cabinet]
George: What are you doing? They're going to know we were here!
Mae: They already know that. Our fingerprints are all over the room.
George: You said they wouldn't check for fingerprints!
Mae: I said don't wear your mittens. They look ridiculous on the security camera.
George: THERE'S A SECURITY CAMERA?

Gob: I think I'm responsible for Buster's hand.
Maeby: Yeah, and I'm responsible for an $80-million movie without an ending.
Gob: I know those problems seem big when you're a kid, Maeby.
Maeby: Look, this is kind of weird advice for me to be giving but why don't you just tell him the truth? I mean, he'll respect you for it.
Gob: Thanks, Maeby.
[Gob turns and walks away]
Maeby: Okay, now I'm just lying for no reason.

Steve: Your mom seems pretty cool.
Maebe: That's not my mom.
Steve: ...but she said you were her daughter.
Maebe: His daughter. It's my dad.
Steve: That's a dude?
Maebe: And the worst part is? He thinks he's passing.

Michael: Hey, maybe you could pop a tent outside with your cousin Maeby.
George: Oh, I don't know...
Maebe: I'm not really the outdoorsy type.
Michael: Well, it'd be a good chance to rub off on her.

Lindsay: Hug?
Maeby: Please don't squeeze the Shaman.

Lindsay: Leather chair? So you're against stealing, but skinning cows is cool with you.
Michael: I'm fine, by the way. Frankly, your concern is getting embarrassing. Since when are you against leather?
Mae: Yeah, you're not even a vegetarian.
Lindsay: I'm not against the insides. People need meat to survive.
Michael: You are aware that they don't remove it from the cow surgically, right?

Michael: A date? But we had plans to... A date with who?
Maeby: Some girl. I mean, she barely has a face. You couldn't pick her out of a lineup of one.

Tobias: So fill each one of these bags with some glitter, my photo resume, some candy, and a note.
Mae: [reading one of the notes] "I know where you live, ha ha!" Casting directors hate this!
Narrator: They really do.
Casting: [cut to casting director's office] The glitter queen struck again. Never hire Tobias Funke.

George: Maeby, someone's going to get hurt. Not to mention, it's kind of disrespectful for kids who actually have this.
Maeby: Not a lot of kids have B.S. these days.
George: What does that stand for?
Maeby: I don't know. It's B.S.

[George Michael meets Maebe for the first time]
Mae: Excuse me. I bought one of your frozen bananas and when I bit into it, I found this!
[she shows him the foot she cut off of Lucille's fox wrap]
George: That looks like a foot.
Mae: It tasted like a foot! Which I really didn't mind except I believe I asked for no nuts.

Michael: You know, this open marriage is ridiculous. Somebody's gonna get hurt.
Mae: The important thing is that you guys don't lose focus on yourself.
[Maeby walks away]
Tobias: You know, first of all, we are doing this for her, because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And second-of-ly, I know you're the big marriage expert - oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, your wife is dead!
[Michael and Lindsay stare in silence]
Tobias: I'm sorry, that was 100% inappropriate and I do apologize profusely. I do apologize profusely, I'm - oh...
[Tobias walks away in embarrassment]

Lucille: I don't care if I ever eat again.
Ann: You know, when times are tough, you can always turn to the power of prayer.
Maeby: Here we go.
Lucille: Show me.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay finds herself strangely compelled to be with Tobias...
Lindsay: Oh my god, I'm sorry, I walked into the wrong trailer!
Dave: Wow, the service sent you over quick.
Narrator: ...But not the one she's married to.
Lindsay: [he quickly disrobes] You don't cry when you take those off?
Narrator: Having finally had sex, GOB can admit that he never consummated his marriage.
George: Your Honor, we never consummated this marriage.
Wife: Judge, maybe you should take a look at this, which was taken in your office just moments ago.
[She hands the judge a picture, and GOB is seen shirtless with the shirt over his head]
Narrator: Then GOB catches a lucky break.
Judge: There's no way to tell who this man is.
Narrator: But it doesn't last long.
George: Oh that's me, your honor, I fucked my wife.
Barry: Oh, we've really lost this case.
Narrator: And Maeby impresses some kids at the Promise Land with her one scary campfire story.
Mae: Knock, scrape. The only thing more terrifying than the escaped lunatic's hook was his twisted call!
[Buster enters the clearing while holding up his hook]
Buster: Hey, campers.
[the kids all scream and run away]
Buster: I'm a monster!
Michael: This may have been a step backward.

Mae: You know that secret you have? The one about the hair that nobody is suppose to see?
George: [uncomfortable] uh...
Mae: I saw it.
George: [more uncomfortable] oh...
Mae: I saw pop-pop.
George: [relieved] Oh right! Pop-pop with hair.

Mario: Boy, you get a lot of mail from that movie studio.
Mae: I write a lot of letters to movie stars.
Mario: You seem a little old for that.
Mae: Babysit me!

Mae: Who's the hottie?
Michael: This is Ann's mother.
Mae: Her? Does she look old enough to play Topher Grace's mom?

Narrator: As a psychotherapist, Tobias was on the forefront of the self-esteem movement.
Patient: I keep getting this longing. This urge... does that make me a...
Mae: [interrupting] Homosexual...
Tobias: Maebe, please. Although she's probably right though, you probably are a homosexual.

Michael: Hang on. Gob. You're not going to put that in. There's nudity on that. Maeby, why don't you go upstairs and get dressed.
Tobias: I must warn you, Michael, she doesn't respond well to strict directives.
Maebe: Alright.
Tobias: That was odd.
Michael: Not really. Kids love boundaries. I mean, look at these girls. Is this what you want?
Tobias: Oh, God, no.
Michael: This could be where your daughter is headed.
Tobias: Oh, no, no, I don't want this for Maeby either.

Maebe: It's a Shemale.
[pronounced Sha-mall-ee]

Michael: Fine, we'll have a party
Mae: For Gangey?
Michael: Yeah, how'd you know?
George: She called and invited us.
Lindsay: [to Michael] Okay, maybe it was her idea.
Mae: We don't have to come, do we?
Michael: Come on, this is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children.

[Mort takes Maeby's book report thinking it's a movie treatment]
Mort: What's this? So, you're this Funke everyone's been talking about. You can't be more than what? Fifteen?
Mae: [laughing] Marry me!

Mae: Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold T-shaped pendants?
Michael: That's a cross.
Mae: Across from where?

George: Because anything can happen when two people share a cell, 'cos.
George: [Maebe stares at him] It's a line from the Warden's screenplay.
Mae: What? Oh, OH! I don't know what I was worried about.
Narrator: And that would be the happiest moment George-Michael would ever experience in his entire life.

Mae: He's in L.A., she's in Japan, how do I get these two characters together?
Rita: You could always walk. Along the ocean. If it's not too deep.
Mae: No! Deep is good! People are going to say "what the hell just happened?" and I'd better say I like it because nobody wants to seem stupid!
Rita: The Ocean Walker.
Mae: Holy crap, that's gonna look good on a hat!

Mae: So what is this camping trip?
George: It's called "the Promised Land", you're supposed to make promises about your relationships in accordance with the generations that proceeded you.
George: [picking up a cup] Hey, there's booze in this.
Mae: That's the promised land that Ann's taking you to? You're going to need this more than Polly here.

Maeby: Wait until you find out who the new president is.
George Bluth Sr.: Oh no.
Gob: Did somebody say, "wait until you find out who the president is"?
Lucille: Yes, but then we figured it out, and your father said "oh no."
George Bluth Sr.: So hold on, we've got three million tied up in something Gobs involved in?
Maeby: Maybe we could hire him, like, a really good assistant?
Gob: One step ahead of you. I took this guy home last night after I found him next to the police station. Please, say hello to my new right hand man.
[long Pause]
Gob: Now, Geo-bead
Buster: Did somebody say, "I took this guy home with me after I found..."
[elevator door closes on him, trapping his hand as it goes down]