30 Best Alonzo Quotes

Alonzo: [in an alleyway next to a chained link fence] You hear that, homey? You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? Huh?
Crackhead: [lying on the ground hand] What you think?
Alonzo: They got room for guys like you at the booty house, you ever been to the booty house. Big boys have you grab you ankles...
Crackhead: Suck my dick, bitch. I know people.
Alonzo: That's how it starts. What about you, my man? Where's yo' horn?
Crackhead: I ain't got nothin' on me, man.
Alonzo: You sure?
Crackhead: Yeah, man.
Alonzo: You got money, though.
[pulls out crack]
Alonzo: Ooohh, you lied to me, you lied to me. Lucky I don't make you eat that, dawg.
[steps on crack]

Alonzo: [referring to his shotgun that's his holding to find to Jake, somewhere in Sara's apartment] You know I'm surgical with this bitch, Jake. How do you want it, dog? Closed casket? Remember that fool in the wheelchair? How do you think he got there?

Alonzo: [after killing Roger and shooting Jeff] It's not what you know, it's what you can prove. Mark and Paul, you kicked the door down. Jeff's the first one through. Roger hits Jeff twice.
[to Jeff]
Alonzo: What's the matter, one go through?
Tim: Yeah, you shot him.
Jeff: You fucking shot me, man!
Alonzo: Don't worry about it. You'll get a medal.
Jeff: Get me an ambulance!
Alonzo: Hey, hey, hey. You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? Let me quarterback this thing. Mark, Paul, you kicked the door down. Jeff's the first one through. Roger shoots Jeff twice, bang bang. Our new guy, Hoyt, he's in second. Drops Roger with some fine shotgun work. Now who shot Roger?
Mark: New guy, came in spraying.
Alonzo: Who shot Roger?
Paul: Boot did it.
Alonzo: What did you guys see?
Tim: Hoyt blasted him.
Jeff: Hey, fuck Hoyt, all right? Ambulance time!
Alonzo: Done. Paul, call 'em up.
Paul: 11-49-98 Shots fired. Officer down. Repeat. Officer down. 5951 Baxter Street.

Alonzo: [while inserting confiscated marijuana into a confiscated pipe] To be truly effective, a good narcotics agent must know and love narcotics. In fact, a good narcotics agent should have narcotics in his blood.
Jake: Are you gonna smoke that?
Alonzo: No, you are.
Jake: [laughs] Hell if I am.
Alonzo: You not gon' smoke it?
Jake: Naw, man. I became a narc to rid the streets of dopers, not to be one.
Alonzo: Come on, man, take a hit.
Jake: Naw, man.
Alonzo: [Slams brakes] Yeah, right. If I was a drug dealer, you'd be dead by now, motherfucker. You turn shit down on the streets, and the chief brings your wife a crisply folded flag. What the fuck's wrong with you? Talking about - You know what? I don't want you in my unit. I don't even want you in my division. Get the fuck out the car. Go back to the Valley, rookie.
Jake: All right, I'll smoke it.

Jake: [after smoking angel dust] Who are you?
Alonzo: I'm the zig-zag man, who the fuck are you?
Jake: I'm a cop.
Alonzo: Watch out... don't shoot nobody.

Paul: [in Roger's home] Alonzo, there's two shots left in that other stinger. We need to just kill your boy right now and say Roger got him coming through the door.
Alonzo: We ain't killing nobody. This guy's got the magic eye. I can feel it. Just had a little freak-out, that's all. Now I say he's cool, and nobody's gonna hurt him. But you do have a decision to make, because in about 10 seconds, this whole place is gonna be overrun with blue suits.
[sirens approaching]
Alonzo: So just walk outside and clear your head, or just shoot me.
Jake: [on the way out] Hey, Paul.
[punches Paul]
Paul: [Mark holds him back] You're dead, motherfucker! You hear me?
[shouts]
Paul: You're fuckin' dead!

[singing]
Alonzo: Oh where, Oh where has my little Jake gone? Oh where, oh where can he be?

Alonzo: [after killing Roger and framing Jake] Congratulations, son. You're gonna get a Medal of Valor for this.
Jake: But I didn't shoot him.
Alonzo: A roomful of cops said you did.
Jake: But I didn't. You did.
Alonzo: A Los Angeles Police Department Narcotics officer was killed today serving a high-risk warrant in Echo Park. Gimme the bitch. LAPD spokesperson says the officer is survived... by his wife and infant child. Shit gets deeper. You get the picture?
Jake: Yeah, I get it.
[Jake grabs gun from Alonzo, the crew points guns at Jake]
Jake: That's the second time you pointed a gun at me. There will not be a third!
Alonzo: Goddamn, boy! My nigga, are y'all watching this? That's it!
Paul: It'd be my pleasure to put a hydrashock in that melon...
Alonzo: Wait, wait.
Paul: But naw, I'ma be cool. Now drop the fucking gun now!
Jake: You wanna shoot me, Paul, go ahead. But I'm taking him with me.
Mark: I'm going, Alonzo.
Paul: This motherfucker's a fed.
Alonzo: Naw, he ain't no fed. He's just a choirboy that got the drop on all you fools.
Jake: You can't put this shit on me. I did not sign up for this!
Alonzo: I understand your anger. Everybody, put your guns down.
Tim: [shouts] Hell, naw!
Paul: Choirboy first.
Alonzo: [shouts] Everybody, put your guns down! That's an order.
[shouts]
Alonzo: Put 'em down!

Jake: [observing drug dealers from Alonzo's Monte Carlo] What's here?
Alonzo: Transactions. You see that Salvatrucha zero head sitting on that fence acting like he's not slanging dope? That's my boy. My boy, Neto. The punk's only 17, but he can kill with the best. He's one of mine. He works for me.
Jake: Jesus, he's an informer?
Alonzo: Teammate. I got eyes everywhere. He gets to peddle a little reefer, gets money to take care of the family. He lets me know when big things are going on. Big transactions.
[whispering]
Alonzo: Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Look at that. Sexy ain't it?
Jake: And you trust him?
Alonzo: Damn right I trust him. I sprung his mom from INS detention. Watch this.
[drug deal being made]
Alonzo: You see that hand-to-hand?
Jake: Yeah, I saw it.
Alonzo: When was the last time you did a felony stop?
Jake: Two weeks ago.
Alonzo: Good. You need practice.
Jake: They look like a bunch of college kids.
Alonzo: They'll get their education today. I want the Brady Bunch grabbing glass. I take the front, you take the back.
[Jake picks up radio to call in]
Alonzo: Stay off of the Rover. Let's go.

Alonzo: [to Roger after shooting him] Breathe dawg... breathe.

Alonzo: [to Jake] Motha fucker. You shot me in the ass.

Alonzo: [to Jake] This shit's chess, it ain't checkers

Alonzo: [while driving in his Monte Carlo] Today's a training day, Officer Hoyt. Show you around, give you a taste of the business. I got 38 cases pending trial, 63 in active investigations, another 250 on the log I can't clear. I supervise five officers. That's five different personalities. Five sets of problems. You can be number six if you act now. But I ain't holding no hands, okay? I ain't baby-sitting. You got today and today only to show me who and what you're made of. You don't like narcotics, get the fuck out of my car. Go get you a nice, pussy desk job, chasing bad checks or something, you hear me?

Alonzo: I had lunch with the Wise Men today. They say you gotta render unto Caesar.
Roger: [in his home] Fuckin' vampires want my pension!

Alonzo: [after killing Roger] Use your ears and hear me, Jake. Sometimes we gotta take this shit all the way. Now, nobody will ever ask you to pull the trigger if you don't want to.
Alonzo: [to Mark] Mark, where are you transferring to?
Mark: S.I.S.
Alonzo: S.I.S. Detective. Give me 18 months, I'll give you a career. We're an elite unit. We make the big seizures. We make the big arrests. But if you're in my unit, you gotta be in it all the way or not at all. I thought that you was man enough to face that. I guess I was wrong. Five proven, decorated officers say that you're the shooter. The investigators are gonna want to pull a tube of your blood to check for intoxicants, and what are they gonna find, Jake? Do the math. You've been smoking PCP all day, haven't you?
Jake: You've been planning this all day?
Alonzo: I've been planning this all week, son. You talk that crazy shit, I'll make sure that blood gets to the lab. You wanna walk your baby nuts around the block, you won't make it to the corner, but if you're cool, if you're cool... then you're a hero. You're a virgin shooter above suspicion.

Lou: [in a steakhouse restaurant] I don't know why I'm talking to you. I don't talk to dead men.
Alonzo: I ain't dead yet. Fuckin' prick.

Alonzo: [to the residents of The Jungle] Aww, you motherfuckers. Okay. Alright. I'm putting cases on all you bitches. Huh. You think you can do this shit... Jake. You think you can do this to me? You motherfuckers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you. SHU program, nigga. 23 hour lockdown. I'm the man up in this piece. You'll never see the light of... who the fuck do you think you're fucking with? I'm the police, I run shit around here. You just live here. Yeah, that's right, you better walk away. Go on and walk away... 'cause I'm gonna' burn this motherfucker down. King Kong ain't got shit on me. That's right, that's right. Shit, I don't, fuck. I'm winning anyway, I'm winning... I'm winning any motherfucking way. I can't lose. Yeah, you can shoot me, but you can't kill me.

Alonzo: [to Jake] They build jails 'cause of me.

Jake: [before entering Sandman's house] If he's not here, why are we here?
Alonzo: We're here to serve this warrant.
Jake: C'mon, man. We can't do that.
Alonzo: Yes, hell we can. We're the police, we can do what the fuck we wanna do.
Jake: Shouldn't we go get a real warrant?
Alonzo: We're trying to get shit done. Just stand over there and don't get me killed, all right, new guy?

Alonzo: [Explaining his orders to raid Roger's house] There's nothing I can do about it, you know, I'm just a lowly civil servant.
Roger: Ehhh, you're their bitch!

Alonzo: [bruised and bloodied, and turns his head back to see Jake pointing a gun at him while dragging away from him with a lit cigarette in his mouth] , you gonna bust your cherry killing a cop? You know what you get for that, Jake? The gas chamber. You know what the gas chamber smells like? Pine oil. I'ma send you to a pine oil heaven. I'ma get that gun and I'ma get that gun and I'm going to get that money, and your not going to shit because you're not going to shoot a cop in the back.

Alonzo: Take that dick and stick it up that funky little ass of yours, bitch. Damn, I'm thirsty.

Jake: [stepping into Alonzo's Monte Carlo for the first time] This car is not from the motor pool.
Alonzo: It's not, sexy though, ain't it?
Jake: So, where's the office? Back at division?
Alonzo: You're in the office, baby.

Jake: [Telling Alonzo a story in a coffee shop] There was a DUI stop.
Alonzo: A DUI stop, let me load up my guns a DUI stop, OH SHIT!
Jake: Listen man, its a good one, we were on watch.
Alonzo: We?
Jake: Me and Debbie, my training officer
Alonzo: [Intrigued] You have a female training officer? What was she? Black or White?
Jake: She was white
Alonzo: Liquor License?
Jake: A what?
Alonzo: "A Liquor License", was she a dyke? A lesbian?
Jake: I don't know.
Alonzo: Was she good looking?
Jake: Yeah, pretty good.

Alonzo: [while driving in his Monte Carlo] You got a kid, right?
Jake: Yeah, I got a little girl.
Alonzo: I've got five. All boys. You ever need a son, you let me know. I'll hook your old lady up. I can't miss.
Jake: Can we not talk about my family?
Alonzo: That's cool, I respect that. I remember what it was to have a pretty young bride. You probably still fuck her face to face, don't you?

Alonzo: [after forcefully pressing a pen down Blue's throat causing him to vomit the narcotics he was hiding in his stomach] What's that?
Blue: Motherfucking crack, man.
Alonzo: That's right, Jimmy Crack Corn. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Oh, you're federally fucked now. You got crack... and a gun. You know with your record you can get 10 years per bullet? Now you gon' gimme a name.
[removes bullet]
Alonzo: That's 10 right there.
Blue: Come on, man. You know I ain't no snitch, man.
Alonzo: I know you ain't no snitch. Gimme a name.
[removes bullet]
Alonzo: That's 20.
Blue: Fuck!
Alonzo: Gimme a name.
[removes bullet]
Alonzo: That's 30 years. You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home?
[removes bullet]
Blue: He in the county!
Alonzo: Who?
Blue: Nigga named Sandman. That's all the fuck I know,man! Shit!
Alonzo: See how easy that was?
[removes bullet]
Blue: I'm sick of this shit, man.
Alonzo: You wanna collect the evidence?
Jake: Fuck that.
Alonzo: My nigga.

Alonzo: [on the phone talking to Smiley] Make sure that bathtub is clean, homey.
[Jake gets in car]
Alonzo: It behoves you not to dick around on this one. Justifiable homicide in the line of duty? What happened was...
Jake: What happened was murder... and armed robbery. Wait, we had badges, so it's different?
Alonzo: Open your eyes, son. Can't you see?
Jake: That man was your friend, and you killed him like a fly.
Alonzo: Why is he my friend, because he knows my first name? Roger sold dope to kids. The world is a better place without him. This man was the biggest major violator in Los Angeles. This is the game. I'm playing his ass. That's my job. That's your job. I watched that cocksucker operate with impunity for over 10 years, and now I got him. The shit's chess, it ain't checkers. What, we all of a sudden gonna roll up in a black-and-white? Come on, man, take the money.
Jake: I told you, I'm not gonna take that money.
Alonzo: All right, burn it, barbecue it, fish-fry it, I don't give a fuck. But the boys'll feel better about it.
Jake: Fuck their feelings.
Alonzo: You're not making them feel like you're part of the team.
Jake: The team? You guys are fuckin' insane. All right, I'll go back to the Valley. I'll cut parking tickets. Why does it have to be this way?
Alonzo: I'm sorry I exposed you to it, but it is. It's ugly, but it's necessary... Sometimes you gotta have a little dirt on you for anybody to trust you.

Alonzo: [to Jake] To protect the sheep you gotta catch the wolf, and it takes a wolf to catch a wolf.

[repeated line to Jake]
Alonzo: My nigga.

[last lines]
Alonzo: What a day. What a motherfuckin' day.