Top 20 Quotes From Jake

Alonzo: [after killing Roger and framing Jake] Congratulations, son. You're gonna get a Medal of Valor for this.
Jake: But I didn't shoot him.
Alonzo: A roomful of cops said you did.
Jake: But I didn't. You did.
Alonzo: A Los Angeles Police Department Narcotics officer was killed today serving a high-risk warrant in Echo Park. Gimme the bitch. LAPD spokesperson says the officer is survived... by his wife and infant child. Shit gets deeper. You get the picture?
Jake: Yeah, I get it.
[Jake grabs gun from Alonzo, the crew points guns at Jake]
Jake: That's the second time you pointed a gun at me. There will not be a third!
Alonzo: Goddamn, boy! My nigga, are y'all watching this? That's it!
Paul: It'd be my pleasure to put a hydrashock in that melon...
Alonzo: Wait, wait.
Paul: But naw, I'ma be cool. Now drop the fucking gun now!
Jake: You wanna shoot me, Paul, go ahead. But I'm taking him with me.
Mark: I'm going, Alonzo.
Paul: This motherfucker's a fed.
Alonzo: Naw, he ain't no fed. He's just a choirboy that got the drop on all you fools.
Jake: You can't put this shit on me. I did not sign up for this!
Alonzo: I understand your anger. Everybody, put your guns down.
Tim: [shouts] Hell, naw!
Paul: Choirboy first.
Alonzo: [shouts] Everybody, put your guns down! That's an order.
[shouts]
Alonzo: Put 'em down!

Alonzo: [while driving in his Monte Carlo] You got a kid, right?
Jake: Yeah, I got a little girl.
Alonzo: I've got five. All boys. You ever need a son, you let me know. I'll hook your old lady up. I can't miss.
Jake: Can we not talk about my family?
Alonzo: That's cool, I respect that. I remember what it was to have a pretty young bride. You probably still fuck her face to face, don't you?

Alonzo: [after forcefully pressing a pen down Blue's throat causing him to vomit the narcotics he was hiding in his stomach] What's that?
Blue: Motherfucking crack, man.
Alonzo: That's right, Jimmy Crack Corn. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Oh, you're federally fucked now. You got crack... and a gun. You know with your record you can get 10 years per bullet? Now you gon' gimme a name.
[removes bullet]
Alonzo: That's 10 right there.
Blue: Come on, man. You know I ain't no snitch, man.
Alonzo: I know you ain't no snitch. Gimme a name.
[removes bullet]
Alonzo: That's 20.
Blue: Fuck!
Alonzo: Gimme a name.
[removes bullet]
Alonzo: That's 30 years. You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home?
[removes bullet]
Blue: He in the county!
Alonzo: Who?
Blue: Nigga named Sandman. That's all the fuck I know,man! Shit!
Alonzo: See how easy that was?
[removes bullet]
Blue: I'm sick of this shit, man.
Alonzo: You wanna collect the evidence?
Jake: Fuck that.
Alonzo: My nigga.

Alonzo: [while meeting on the roof of a parking garage] What's happening? You got the picks and shovels?
Mark: You gonna dig a ditch?
Alonzo: Nope. You are. That's a nice suit.
[to Paul]
Alonzo: What's going on, killer?
Paul: I can't call it. Been hearing some shit out here on these streets. You all right?
Alonzo: Yeah. I talked to the three wise men today. Everything's all good.
Paul: Shit, you say we can get away with it, I'm with you on that.
[points to Jake]
Paul: Who the fuck is this?
Jake: Jake Hoyt. I'm from Valley Patrol. It's my first day.
Paul: You a long way from Starbucks homey.
[to Alonzo]
Paul: Yo, why the fuck is he in on this?
Alonzo: Gotta get his cherry popped sometime.
Paul: [to Jake] Yo, stay the fuck outta my way. Just for the big dogs, you feel me?
Alonzo: All right. Here's the warrant signed and sealed by the judge, thanks to the Sandman. Alright, now listen up; Safety is first. He gives us shit - Boom! We're giving him lead. Let's do this right so we can all go home and do the wife or the girlfriend thing, alright? Let's suit up, ladies. Time to punch in.

Jake: [stepping into Alonzo's Monte Carlo for the first time] This car is not from the motor pool.
Alonzo: It's not, sexy though, ain't it?
Jake: So, where's the office? Back at division?
Alonzo: You're in the office, baby.

Jake: [observing drug dealers from Alonzo's Monte Carlo] What's here?
Alonzo: Transactions. You see that Salvatrucha zero head sitting on that fence acting like he's not slanging dope? That's my boy. My boy, Neto. The punk's only 17, but he can kill with the best. He's one of mine. He works for me.
Jake: Jesus, he's an informer?
Alonzo: Teammate. I got eyes everywhere. He gets to peddle a little reefer, gets money to take care of the family. He lets me know when big things are going on. Big transactions.
[whispering]
Alonzo: Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Look at that. Sexy ain't it?
Jake: And you trust him?
Alonzo: Damn right I trust him. I sprung his mom from INS detention. Watch this.
[drug deal being made]
Alonzo: You see that hand-to-hand?
Jake: Yeah, I saw it.
Alonzo: When was the last time you did a felony stop?
Jake: Two weeks ago.
Alonzo: Good. You need practice.
Jake: They look like a bunch of college kids.
Alonzo: They'll get their education today. I want the Brady Bunch grabbing glass. I take the front, you take the back.
[Jake picks up radio to call in]
Alonzo: Stay off of the Rover. Let's go.

Blue: [while in a wheelchair] What you need, homey?
Jake: Crack. 20 bucks' worth.
Blue: Crack?
[looks at Alonzo]
Blue: Smells like bacon in this muthafucka. What I look like, a sucka to you, nigga? Fuck you, rookie.

Alonzo: [while inserting confiscated marijuana into a confiscated pipe] To be truly effective, a good narcotics agent must know and love narcotics. In fact, a good narcotics agent should have narcotics in his blood.
Jake: Are you gonna smoke that?
Alonzo: No, you are.
Jake: [laughs] Hell if I am.
Alonzo: You not gon' smoke it?
Jake: Naw, man. I became a narc to rid the streets of dopers, not to be one.
Alonzo: Come on, man, take a hit.
Jake: Naw, man.
Alonzo: [Slams brakes] Yeah, right. If I was a drug dealer, you'd be dead by now, motherfucker. You turn shit down on the streets, and the chief brings your wife a crisply folded flag. What the fuck's wrong with you? Talking about - You know what? I don't want you in my unit. I don't even want you in my division. Get the fuck out the car. Go back to the Valley, rookie.
Jake: All right, I'll smoke it.

Jake: [lying in their bathtub] Now, listen to me, that girl was being raped. I saw these two fuckin' drug addicts attacking her, and I stopped 'em...
Smiley: [pointing a double barrel shotgun at Jake's cheek] You lie to me.
Jake: I would - not - lie to you...
Smiley: Don't lie to me! - Don't lie to me!
Jake: I swear to God. She was being raped, and I stopped 'em, man. And please man, I got a little kid...
Sniper: [elevating Jake's legs upwards] Shut the fuck up, faggot.
Sniper: Blast his ass, homes.
Jake: I have - a little girl.

[on phone]
Jake: Hello?
Alonzo: Hoyt?
Jake: Yes, sir?
Alonzo: You on your way to roll call?
Jake: Yes, sir, I'm on my way out the door right now.
Alonzo: Hoyt.
Jake: Yes, sir?
Alonzo: Patrol ferries go to roll call, we don't go to roll call...
Jake: OK, that's good to know.
Alonzo: Listen, there's a coffee shop at 7th and Whitman. Be there, ten 'o clock, in civies, comfortable shoes. You got a backup gun? Somethin' pocket size?
Jake: Uh, no sir. I got the Department issue Buretta...
Alonzo: Good, good, bring it. Cuffs too. We'll be in the office all day, but who knows? Maybe we'll do some business, we're an aggressive unit.
Jake: Uh, yes sir. And that's exactly why I signed up, and I just wanted to thank you...
[Alonzo hangs up]

Alonzo: [while driving in his Monte Carlo] You okay, kid? That was a man-sized hit you took, dog. When was the last time you smoked weed?
Jake: Last time I smoked weed... 12th grade. We were... we were...
Alonzo: Smoking weed.
Jake: Yeah, yeah.
Alonzo: Left that out your service jacket. Yeah, I know you got secrets. Everybody got secrets. Didn't know you liked to get wet, dog.
Jake: What's "wet"?
Alonzo: Butt-naked. Ill. Sherms. Dust. PCP. Primos. P-Dog. That's what you had. That's what you were smoking, you couldn't taste it?
Jake: No, I've never done it.
Alonzo: You have now. I haven't, but you have.
Jake: Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Man, I'm gonna get piss-tested, and then I'm gonna get fired!
Alonzo: Lieutenant's got our back. We know a week before we piss.
Jake: Oh, shit. Shit!
Alonzo: Boom!
Jake: Why did you do this to me?
Alonzo: Nobody told you to smoke that thing. You made the decision. Live with your decision. Ain't like I put a gun to your head.

Jake: [after repeatedly punching Detective Harris] It's no fun when the rabbit has the gun, is it?
Alonzo: [laughing] My nigga...
[to surrounding crowd]
Alonzo: Hey. First dom who puts one in his head... I'll make you a rich man. C'mon now, who wanna get paid? Who wanna get paid?
Jake: They're not like you. You wanna know what I learned today? I'm not like you.
Alonzo: That's good, Jake. Glad to hear it. Good... so what you gonna do know, you gonna shoot me? You gonna bust yo' cherry killin' a cop?
[pulls out badge]
Alonzo: There it is, Jake, hit me. You ain't never killed anybody before, have you? It ain't like steppin' on ants, Jake. It takes a man to kill... you man enough to kill, Jake?

Paul: [in Roger's home] Alonzo, there's two shots left in that other stinger. We need to just kill your boy right now and say Roger got him coming through the door.
Alonzo: We ain't killing nobody. This guy's got the magic eye. I can feel it. Just had a little freak-out, that's all. Now I say he's cool, and nobody's gonna hurt him. But you do have a decision to make, because in about 10 seconds, this whole place is gonna be overrun with blue suits.
[sirens approaching]
Alonzo: So just walk outside and clear your head, or just shoot me.
Jake: [on the way out] Hey, Paul.
[punches Paul]
Paul: [Mark holds him back] You're dead, motherfucker! You hear me?
[shouts]
Paul: You're fuckin' dead!

Alonzo: [in a coffee shop] But, I don't believe you. You tapped that ass, didn't you. C'mon, tell the truth, you know you tapped that ass. You put her in the backseat, BAM. Code-X.
Jake: Look man, I got a wife.
Alonzo: You got a dick. You do have a dick, don't you? Okay, the dick lines up straight like that right? To the right of it and to the left of it are pockets, right? In those pockets are money. Look in either one of 'em, pay the bill.

Alonzo: [after killing Roger] Use your ears and hear me, Jake. Sometimes we gotta take this shit all the way. Now, nobody will ever ask you to pull the trigger if you don't want to.
Alonzo: [to Mark] Mark, where are you transferring to?
Mark: S.I.S.
Alonzo: S.I.S. Detective. Give me 18 months, I'll give you a career. We're an elite unit. We make the big seizures. We make the big arrests. But if you're in my unit, you gotta be in it all the way or not at all. I thought that you was man enough to face that. I guess I was wrong. Five proven, decorated officers say that you're the shooter. The investigators are gonna want to pull a tube of your blood to check for intoxicants, and what are they gonna find, Jake? Do the math. You've been smoking PCP all day, haven't you?
Jake: You've been planning this all day?
Alonzo: I've been planning this all week, son. You talk that crazy shit, I'll make sure that blood gets to the lab. You wanna walk your baby nuts around the block, you won't make it to the corner, but if you're cool, if you're cool... then you're a hero. You're a virgin shooter above suspicion.

Alonzo: [in a coffee shop] Get some chow in you before we go to the office, my dollar.
Jake: Thank you sir, but I ate...
Alonzo: Fine, don't.
Jake: It's nice here.
Alonzo: May I read my paper?
Jake: I'm sorry, sir, I...
Alonzo: Thank you.
Jake: You know what, I'll get something to eat.
Alonzo: No. Hell no you won't, you fucked that up. I'm trying to read my paper. Please, shut up.
Jake: I sure won't mind roasting in a black-and-white all day.
Alonzo: Tell me a story, Hoyt.
Jake: My story?
Alonzo: No, not your story. A story. Because you can't keep your mouth shut long enough for me to read my paper. Tell me a story.
Jake: I don't think I know any stories.
Alonzo: You don't know any stories? Okay, I'll tell you a story. This is a newspaper. It's 90 per cent bullshit, but it's entertaining. That's why I read it, because it entertains me. You won't let me read it, so you entertain me with your bullshit. Tell me a story, right now.

Moreno: [while playing poker in their kitchen] So tell me something. How long have you been a pig, I mean, a police officer?
Jake: I've been a pig for 19 months.
Moreno: 19 months? You like it?
Jake: I should have been a fireman.

Jake: [Telling Alonzo a story in a coffee shop] There was a DUI stop.
Alonzo: A DUI stop, let me load up my guns a DUI stop, OH SHIT!
Jake: Listen man, its a good one, we were on watch.
Alonzo: We?
Jake: Me and Debbie, my training officer
Alonzo: [Intrigued] You have a female training officer? What was she? Black or White?
Jake: She was white
Alonzo: Liquor License?
Jake: A what?
Alonzo: "A Liquor License", was she a dyke? A lesbian?
Jake: I don't know.
Alonzo: Was she good looking?
Jake: Yeah, pretty good.

Jake: [after smoking angel dust] Who are you?
Alonzo: I'm the zig-zag man, who the fuck are you?
Jake: I'm a cop.
Alonzo: Watch out... don't shoot nobody.

Roger: [in his home] Here's a joke, boy. One day this man walks out of his house to go to work. He sees this snail on his porch. So he picks it up and chucks it over his roof, into the back yard. Snail bounces off a rock, cracks its shell all to shit, and lands in the grass. Snail lies there dying. But it doesn't die. It eats some grass. Slowly heals. Grows a new shell. And after a while it can crawl again. One day the snail up and heads back to the front of the house. Finally, after a year, the little guy crawls back on the porch. Right then, the man walks out to go to work and sees this snail again. So he says to it, 'What the fuck's your problem?'
Jake: That's messed up. That wasn't funny.
Alonzo: Then why are you cackling like a jackal?
Jake: I dunno.
Roger: Figure that joke out and you'll figure the streets out.