Top 30 Quotes From Bob Pinciotti

Bob: I saw Steven and your wife in a... umm... an intimate embrace.
Red: Oh, God! Now I have to kill him! Get your rifle, Bob!

[Red has been volunteered to be Santa Claus at the mall this year, and is not at all thrilled about it. He and Kitty are at the mall, dressed like Santa and Mrs. Santa. Bob wears an elf costume]
Kitty: [chuckles] Okay, Mr. Claus. Let's hear your best Santa laugh!
Reginald: [dully] Ho, ho.
Bob: You left out a 'ho', Red. It's three ho's! Did you even read the Santa manual?
Kitty: Okay, Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow, who never calls a child "dumbass".
[some time later]
Reginald: So, what do ya want for Christmas?
Young: I want a Slinky!
Reginald: A Slinky? Oh, you'll get sick of a Slinky in a day. I'm putting you down for flash cards. Math, that's what you're getting for Christmas.
[the boy gapes]
Reginald: Next!
Young: I want a pony.
Reginald: Ponies die.
[the girl is shocked]
Reginald: What you need is a good pair of boots. Go on, keep it moving.
Little: I want a flying car.
Reginald: I did, too, when I was your age, kid. But then the future came... and took my dreams away. Just like it's gonna take yours.
[the girl gapes]
Kitty: Okay. Okay, little girl, y'know what? I bet if you're extra good, you'll get your flying car one day.
[Kitty and the girl walk away]
Reginald: [calling after them] Don't listen to her, it's a lie!
[Kitty turns to Red, glaring at him]
Kitty: [chiding] Bad Santa!

Kitty: Now, who would like a drink?
Bob: Oooh! Let's do daiquiris, huh?
Kitty: Oh, I don't know if we have enough ice. Eric took a whole tubful.
Reginald: He took a tub of ice?
Kitty: Oh, the kids are making a volcano.
Midge: Right. That's why Donna left with all the plastic cups.
Reginald: Plastic cups?
Midge: Sure, plastic volcano cups!

Donna: [Walking into the breakfast nook] How's it going?
Midge: Your father's an ass!
Pamela: Something we can agree on!
Bob: It's not going that well.

Bob: She can't leave me!
Donna: Yes, she can, Dad. This is the '70s.
Bob: Is this about clothes? Because, Donna, l can buy you clothes!

Bob: The Packers have to win by more than 7 points - I've got a hunsky riding on it.
Kitty: We call them "Hungarians" now, Bob.

Michael: So, Midge wanted you to pass the syrup, and Pam wouldn't let you...
[pensive]
Bob: So whadda you think it means?
Michael: It means, my friend, that you have a shot at something only professional athletes and rock stars get!

Red: You want to borrow our shower?
Donna: Jackie used up all our hot water bathing her dolls.
Joanne: Normally, I'd rather hose off on the driveway than ask you for a favor, but I'm afraid Bob would act out one of his carwash fantasies.
Bob: [with a big grin at her] You got me there!

Bob: [Dressed as Santa Claus] I'll tell you what, kid: I'll bring you what you want if you go bring Santa a hoagie!
[Kid runs off]

Kitty: We are very disappointed in you, Eric. Even though going to California to rescue Donna is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard of.
Bob: That's true. If he had gone by horse, they would have made it a movie.

Bob: Red, a Toyota?
Reginald: Yeah, it's mine. I tell you, the last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.

Bob: [Unloading bags from the station wagon] Too bad the kids never found your ring... But, on the upside - pork doodles!

Fez: I like Midge.
Steven: Yeah, we all like Midge.
Michael: Yeah, Midge has nice jugs.
Bob: What?
Michael: What?
Bob: No, *you* said something.
Michael: [nervously] No, I didn't. So, what's up with your hair?

Bob: What a great auction - Red had a few beers, and he bought a canoe!
Red: I bought a canoe!
Bob: Who knew that we'd go to an auction and Red would buy something stupid? Now, where am I gonna put this?
[Holds up a stuffed bobcat]

Bob: [Bob gives Red a gift] You're welcome, big guy.
Reginald: What's this for?
Bob: No reason. I have been thinking about you and how much we have been through a lot.
Reginald: No, we haven't.
[Opens the box and finds new shoes]
Kitty: Oh, he gave you shoes. What do you say, Red?
Reginald: [to Bob] What the hell's wrong with you?
Kitty: Or we say, "Thank you, very much.".
Reginald: [to Bob] Don't you think it's a little odd for a man to be giving another man a pair of shoes?
Bob: I saw them. I thought they would go nice with your tan pants.
Reginald: Quit thinking about my pants. My legs and what covers them is my business.

Bob: Red! Red, I'm so sorry! It was an accident!
Reginald: I never thought I'd say this: I'm glad you're my friend.
[Red hugs Bob]
Bob: Red, I never thought I'd say this: you smell nice!

Reginald: The Packers beat the Bears and the boy defended the family. This day has been perfect!
[doorbell rings and he answers it]
Bob: [looking aghast] I touched your wife's butt!
[turns and hurries away]
Kitty: [shrugs and raises her hands] I made $10...

Bob: [Bob defends himself as he tries to explain why his wife left him] Hey, I've got an upside. There are things...
Joanne: I know. You're a good guy. A good, old-fashioned, out-of-touch, Stone-Age guy. But, you know, there's nothing wrong with you that changing yourself completely couldn't fix.

Bob: Sorry I had to call you guys, but these two are making so much noise I couldn't hear my program!
Kitty: Bob, did you really have to call the police?
Bob: Well, how am I supposed to name that tune if I can't even hear the notes?

Bob: Oh, YEAH?
[Scribbles furiously on the dryboard; then, to Donna]
Bob: You can't look at this, honey.
[to Hyde]
Bob: You can, 'cause you'll appreciate this!

Kitty: Okay, Bob, I think the problem is that Joanne thinks you're moving just a little too fast
Bob: That's just who I am. I do everything fast. I run fast, I drive fast, I eat fast...
Kitty: Okay, what happens when you eat too fast?
Bob: I get gassy.
Kitty: Right. Okay. Well, a relationship works the same way. When it grows too fast it... it gets gassy, too. And, and, and then the bad thing happens and people leave the room.

Midge: [Eric and Donna are making out on the couch but they both stop when they hear her parents arguing outside of the room] Here's a crazy idea: why don't *you* do the dishes, Bob?
Bob: Why don't *I* do the dishes? I work all day!
Midge: Well... I meditate all day!
Bob: Why don't you meditate over the sink while you wash the dishes?
Midge: [Both Bob and Midge come bursting into the room] Donna, will you tell your father he's a jackass?
Bob: Donna, your mother was fine until she met those feminists and started thinking!
Midge: Well, excuse me, Bob, but I'm not happy!
[Leaves the room]
Bob: Really? Well, I'm ecstatic!
[Turns around to Eric]
Bob: You better watch out, Eric, because it's all fun when you're making out on the couch, but then they get bigger and... bitchier!
[Turns around to Donna]
Bob: Hey, no offense, honey.
[Leaves the room]
Eric: You're not gonna get bitchy, are you?
Donna: Shut up!
Eric: Oh, no.

Bob: She's going to that school and that's final!
Eric: Okay, fine. But know this, I'm prepared to fight this with every fiber of my being.
[Donna walks in wearing her school uniform]
Eric: On the other hand, you can't put a price on a good education.

Reginald: This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.
Bob: Tell ya what. You name five reindeer and I'll step down.
Reginald: I can name five toes that are gonna be in your ass!
Kitty: [annoyed] Oh, for goodness sake! Why don't we stop calling it Christmas and call it "Assmas"?
Bob: [gets up, sighing] Fine, I'll go. I only got worked up because Joanne's gone and Donna's working. The only people I have at home are my two friends, Egg and Nog.
[Red sighs and takes off his Santa suit]
Reginald: Alright, fine. You wanna be Santa, go ahead.
Bob: [sits back] Thanks, Red.
Reginald: Yeah, it's all for the best. I've already eaten about two pounds of fake beard as it is.
[the young boy returns with a cop. He points accusingly at Bob, mistaking him for Red]
Young: There he is! Santa's the one that told me communists hate God.
[confused, Bob looks around]
Reginald: [smiles] Gotta go, Santa!
[Red walks away, without correcting the boy's mistaken identity]
Kitty: Merry Christmas, Bob!
[Kitty walks away]
Kitty: [mumbles angrily] Mrs. Claus needs a drink.
[the cop approaches Bob, who still does not understand what he's been accused of]

Red: Bob, for the last time, you can't call our bait shop "Jail Bait"!
Bob: How about "Hookers"?

[Bob is depressed since Joanne broke up with him. To cheer him up, Donna and Jackie anonymously sent him a nice basket of fudge]
Bob: [cheerfully] Guess what, girls. I got fudge.
[Donna and Jackie feign they have no idea who sent it]
Donna: [smiles] Fudge? What a surprise! Who is it from?
[Bob finds a note inside the basket]
Bob: It didn't say, but there is a poem: "Roses are red, violets are blue, fudge is sweet, here's some fudge".
[Donna looks critically at Jackie for the lousy rhyme. Jackie is slightly embarrassed]
Jackie: [whispers to Donna] They rushed me.

Eric: Hi, Mr. Pinciotti... Hey, Dad, could you show me some fighting moves?
Red: Who're you fighting?
Eric: David Milbank.
Bob: David Milbank? Doesn't he have scoliosis and asthma?
[Looks Eric up and down]
Bob: You could take him.

Bob: Red, you don't seem like the kind of guy who would get a dog... you know, 'cause you're unfriendly.

[Red has just finished telling the boy his version of the Vietnam War]
Reginald: ...and that's what really happened in Vietnam.
Young: [confused] I don't understand.
Reginald: [glumly] Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.
Kitty: Okay, little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.
[Kitty leads the boy away. The boy turns to her]
Young: What's an "ambush"?
Kitty: [smiles] It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.
[Red gets up and approaches Kitty]
Reginald: Kitty, I gotta tell ya. I'm good with kids. I really taught him something. Y'know, I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas spirit.
Kitty: Well, I'm glad Red, but let's try telling a Christmas story where nobody gets caught in a firefight.
[Red turns back and sees Bob sitting in his chair, also dressed like Santa Claus. Bob waves to him]
Reginald: Bob, what the hell are you doing?
Bob: You're depressing the kids. I'm Santa now.
Reginald: Get out of my chair, Bob, or you're gonna get a candy cane up your chimney!
Bob: I'm not moving.
Reginald: [takes off his Santa hat] Kitty, hold my silly red hat.

Donna: [after Bob gives her Midge's wedding dress] Thanks, Dad!
Bob: Anything for you, Pumpkin. Besides, I need room in the attic for my stuffed bobcat - what was I thinking?