Top 50 Quotes From Carol Brady

Mike: [looking at the fake snow flakes] Say, what are these?
Bobby: Corn flakes.
Carol: Corn flakes?
Cindy: We sprayed white paint on them.
Jan: A dozen boxes.
Marcia: And a bag of mashed potato flakes.
Carol: Corn flakes and mashed potato flakes?
Mike: That's an expensive snow storm.
Alice: [tasting one] Pretty fattening, too.

Carol: [Cindy has brought him 2 rabbits named Romeo and Juliet for breeding purposes] Cindy, I hope you understand that Romeo and Juliet are going to be your responsibility.
Cindy: Don't worry, Mom. I'll take really good care of 'em. I'll keep 'em right up in my room!
Carol: What about your two sisters?
Cindy: They can stay, too!
Carol: I was referring to the noise and the smell.
Cindy: Don't worry; the rabbits will get used to it.

Peter: [the kids are drawing names out of a hat to see which child plays which dwarf. Peter is the last to draw] . There are 2 slips of paper left.
Carol: Hey! We're short one child!
Mike: If that's a hint, *forget* it.

Mike: [he and Carol go into the family room to meet with the kids] Well, one of you broke your mother's vase, but five of you claimed you did it.
Carol: There seems to be a slight communication gap in this family.
Mike: Look, no matter who broke it, the rest of you are as guilty for hiding the truth, and I'm afraid you're all going to have to be punished.
Jan: But when people admit their guilt, aren't they committed to a lighter sentence?
Mike: Well, that's not up to me, Jan.
Greg: [confused] What do you mean, Dad?
Mike: In this case, your punishments are not going to be decided by your mother or by me.
Carol: They'll be decided by a jury of one... your brother, Peter.
[Peter looks up in shock]

Cindy: Hi, anybody seen Jan?
Carol: She went to the library, honey, why?
Cindy: Oh, I just thought I'd let her beat me at checkers.
Mike: Why you want to do that?
Cindy: To give her confidence. To make her think she's good at something. That's what we've been doing.
Carol: How long are you and your brothers and sisters plan to keep losing to Jan?
Cindy: I don't know. A couple months. I'll ask Greg.

Carol: Mike, there has to be an explanation for all these strange sounds.
Mike: I haven't heard any strange sounds.
Carol: Yeah that's right, you got in after they stopped.
Alice: Well there is an explanation alright, the ghosts in the McIntyre house got tired of living alone and moved in where there's more action.
Mike: Oh Alice, even if you're joking, that's absurd.
Alice: Well if I'm not joking, it's not absurd. You should've heard those kids this morning before they left for school, they were as scared as I was.

Greg: Dad? Mom? Can we see you for a minute?
Carol: What's up?
Marcia: Well, we've all talked it over and...
Greg: ...all of us except Bobby.
Marcia: Yeah, except Bobby. And we think you should know.
Mike: Know what?
Greg: Well, Bobby has been a real stinker.
Carol: Greg, you know I don't like that word.

Carol: I knew something like this was going to happen, Bobby!
Greg: Well, why didn't you tell ME?

Greg: Mom, I'm sixteen. When are you going to stop worrying about me?
Carol: When you're sixty.

Carol: Jan, I think you may need glasses.
Jan: Glasses! Oh, no, mom! Not glasses! They'll make me look absolutely positively goofy!

Carol: What kind of boy is this Buddy Hinton?
Peter: He's a good hitter.

Mike: [he and Carol are trying to control the water spraying from the vase] You know, I don't recollect this vase having cracks in it, when your mother bought it.
Carol: Obviously it's been broken and glued back together.
Mike: The question is, WHO broke it and WHO glued it together?
[he and Carol angrily stare at the kids, who are frantically eating and drinking milk]
Mike: Your mother and I expect an answer... after dinner.

Carol: [reviewing with Mike the sleeping bags airing out on the backyard grass] Well, I know the boys aired these out, Mike, but they still seem a little dusty to me.
Mike: Yeah. Well, I got them to do it this morning. I guess they didn't have much enthusiasm for the job.
Carol: Well, maybe we oughta hang them up and beat them.
Mike: Sleeping bags or the boys?

Carol: Is that McIntyre banshee on the loose again?
Peter: There's something out here, Mom.
Alice: 3 very definite crashes.
Greg: I'll say there were.
Marcia: Greg was helping me with that flat tire on my bike when we heard them.
Carol: Maybe Tiger's wrestling with those garbage cans again.
Greg: Oh it can't be, Tiger's sleeping in the house tonight.
Carol: In the house? Why?
Marcia: He was getting spooked by all those funny noises.
Alice: Just like everyone else around here.
Peter: After all, he's only human
[another crash sounds]
Peter: Four!
Carol: I think we better take another look around.
Alice: All of us?
Carol: There's safety in numbers, Alice, come on.

Cindy: That terrible noise woke us up!
Bobby: What do you suppose it was?
Alice: [a loud creaking sounds] Or is?
Carol: Well sometimes a loose board will make a house creak.
Cindy: You sound just like Daddy.

Mike: [passing the boys' room] You know I think our ghosts are right in there.
Carol: Mm-hmm. All three of them.

Alice: You know, we got Tiger before we got Bobby.
Carol: Why are you telling me this *now*?
Alice: Because I just thought of it now.
Carol: Well. Think of something else.

Carol: [both hear an unearthly moaning] WHAT was that?
Alice: It sounded like a cow died in the driveway.
[the moan sounds again]
Alice: Oh no, now it sounds human, like somebody in agony.
Carol: Alice, that DOESN'T sound human.
Alice: Oh no... inhuman?

Mr. Hillary: 'My Hero by Robert Brady: My hero is a very famous man, just like Robin Hood and the 3 Musketeers. He was a great American, and his name is Jesse James.
Mike: Jesse James?
Carol: The outlaw?
Mr. Hillary: It disturbs me when impressionable children like Bobby read books and see movies that glorify men like Jesse James, turn them into folk heroes. Jesse James was a cruel and vicious killer.
Carol: I'm really surprised at Bobby.
Mr. Hillary: Well don't be, Mrs. Brady, look at what's happening today. The press writes stories about gangsters and skyjackers, they make them seem very glamorous in the eyes of the children.
Mike: Today's criminals will probably be tomorrow's folk heroes.

Carol: Okay, I demand to know what's going on around here!
Alice: Well, if you insist, Mrs. Brady, we know about the new family addition and we're all very happy about it.
Carol: Oh, you've heard about Oliver!
Alice: Oliver? Won't that be kind of a funny name if it's a girl?
Carol: Wait a minute! Ha! Is this family under the impression that I'm going to have a baby?
Alice: Aren't you under that impression?

Alice: Well, this whole thing kind of depresses me, Mrs. Brady. I got my routine all worked out here. I don't know if I'll be able to function some place else.
Carol: But, Alice you will function, won't you? I mean, just because we're moving, you're not going to leave.
Alice: Me? Leave the Brady family? You couldn't get rid of me if you tried. I'm a hundred-and-twenty-pound boomerang.
Carol: A hundred and TWENTY pounds?
Alice: Mmmm, more or less.

Jethroe: Jesse James killed my father.
Bobby: He did?
Jethroe: Shot him in the back, that's how he usually shot them, too cowardly to face them I guess.
Bobby: I can't believe that, Mr. Collins.
Carol: He's telling the truth, Bobby.

Cindy: [all hear a loud slamming noise] What was that?
Carol: [taken aback] Ub, hey, wa, it's probably the wind, uh, banging against the shutters.
Alice: That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady, if there *was* a wind, and we had shutters.

Mike: [after Tiger steals Marcia's homework paper] That does it. If that hound snatches one more thing, I'm gonna ship him off to Siberia!
Cindy: You wouldn't do that to Tiger, would you, Daddy?
Carol: Never mind about Tiger. You just remember what your father told you.
Cindy: Don't worry, Mommy. I'll never tattle on anybody again.
Mike: Yeah, well, I'd like to believe that.
Carol: I'll believe it when I don't hear it.

Alice: Uh oh.
Mike: Now what?
Alice: The light in the oven is blinking something in Morse code: I'll bet the word is trouble.
Mike: I'll bet the word's defective switch. I'll check it out later.
Alice: Why not sooner? There's something about an oven winking at me that gives me the creeps.

[Unknown to the other, Mike and Carol are both reading in different parts of the house, Mike on cooking about which he knows nothing, and Carol on baseball about which she knows nothing]
Carol: Men on first and third with one out, the batter must...
Mike: ...pour a cup of vinegar into...
Carol: ...the catcher's mitt. This is the best way to hide the signals from...
Mike: ...the salt and pepper. Always make sure to properly season every...
Carol: ...umpire. He must not allow the pitcher to touch his fingers to his...
Mike: ...pot. Always remember that too many onions or too much garlic...
Carol: ...will keep the shortstop away from the third baseman.

Carol: Oh Mike. Thank goodness you saved the cake!

Carol: [exasperated] Oh, the peace and quiet of home.
[Greg and Marcia begin to argue heatedly in the background]
Bobby: That doesn't sound very quiet.
Cindy: And not very peace.

[Carol walks into Mike's den to show off her new ensemble for their weekend vacation at a dude ranch]
Carol: What are you going to wear, Mike?
Michael: Oh I don't know... my cowboy boots...
Carol: [in her best John Wayne impression] Well ya better wear somethin' else, or you're gonna get arrested!
Michael: Not to mention sunburn!

Carol: [she and Mike hop out of bed] Well here we go, round two of the battle of the ghost!

Mike: Bad news?
Carol: He didn't say, but when the principal calls, is it ever good news?

Bobby: [Bobby tells Mike and Carol about a freeway incident] We almost got into an accident.
Carol: [shocked] What happened?
Greg: Uh, nothing really.
Bobby: What do you mean, nothing? Greg was great. You see, there was this big truck in front of us and Greg slammed on the brakes and we skidded in-between the big truck and the freeway fence.
Mike: He cut you off, Greg?
Greg: No, sir.
Carol: [concerned] Were you driving too fast?
Greg: No.
Mike: Well, you must have been if you couldn't have stopped in time.
Bobby: Honest, Dad, he wasn't driving too fast. He just bought a new record album. He was looking at the back cover.
Carol: While you were driving?
Greg: Bobby, I only glanced at it!
Mike: On the freeway?
Greg: Dad, nothing happened. I didn't even scratch the car.
[Bobby exits the den]
Carol: Greg, weren't we talking to you, just last week, about paying attention, while you drive?
Mike: I think you better spend a little time thinking about your driving habits, while you don't use the car for a week.
Greg: A week? Dad, that's not fair!
Mike: Well, it's a lot fairer than not using it for two weeks.
Greg: But, Dad, it wasn't a...
Mike: You want to try for three?
[Greg angrily exits the den]

Carol: We're so proud that you graduated with honors, Greg. Too bad your father was out of town and had to miss it.

Carol: I don't have to be logical. I'm a mother.

Cindy: I still don't see why we all can't go.
Carol: Honey, the initiation ceremony is just for the Frontier Scouts.
Jan: But this is a big victory for us girls. From now on, we'll be treated the same as boys.
Alice: At your age, that's victory. At mine it's defeat.

Carol: [notices the kids are eating dinner in complete silence] What is this, a silent contest?
Mike: If silence is golden, this must be worth a fortune.

Alice: Romeo and Juliet's such a sad play.
Carol: Yeah.
Mike: It's no musical comedy.
Carol: Alice, which part did you think was the saddest?
Alice: Well, the part where Romeo dies is sad. But where Juliet died is sad too. But I think the saddest part of all is when Jan said "Who goes there" before Peter said "Hark".

Carol: Well Alice, the kids do need more bedrooms, and you know we need another bathroom.
Alice: Well the old McIntyre house up on the hill has lots of rooms. It's old but it can be fixed up, it's been for sale for years.
Carol: I wonder why they haven't been able to sell that house?
Alice: The same reason the McIntyres moved out, it's haunted.
Carol: Haunted? Oh Alice.
Alice: I knew the cook, said a lot of weird things were going on up there: voices in the night, chains rattling, lights going on and off.
Carol: Now Alice, you don't believe that.
Alice: The cook did, left the McIntyres flat.
Carol: And you know as well as I do there's no such things as ghosts.
Alice: Maybe not, but they were never able to explain those voices.

Carol: [noticing the kids are fixed on watching the vase and not eating dinner] Will you kids stop daydreaming? Why aren't you eating?
Jan: [nervously] It's just that it's so good, we want to make it last.

Mike: [Carol and Mike are arguing over the girls using the boys' clubhouse] Carol, there are certain places where women are just not permitted.
Carol: Name one, just one.
Mike: Boys' clubhouses and men's locker rooms.
[In the 1960s, that was true]

Carol: [Carol and Mike are arguing about the girls using the boys' clubhouse] Whatever happened to share and share alike?
Mike: Carol, this is different.
Carol: How? I'm sure if the girls had a dollhouse and the boys wanted to play in it, there wouldn't be any problem.
Mike: Oh yes there would! If my boys wanted to play in ANYBODY'S dollhouse, I'd take 'em to a psychiatrist.
[In the 1960s, gender roles were quite rigid]

Carol: [Marcia is in the family room with Mike and Carol, after receiving a phone call from Mr. Randolph] As much as we hate to do it, Marcia, I'm afraid you can't have your slumber party.
Marcia: My party?
[tears start running down her face]
Mike: Honey, that drawing might have seen funny at the time, but you just must have respect for your teachers.
Marcia: [protesting] But I didn't do it! I didn't write Mrs. Denton's name on it or that stupid remark!
Carol: Your principal said you did, honey, and he's a very responsible man. Well, he wouldn't punish you for nothing.
Marcia: [bitterly] You mean you believe him than me.
Mike: Marcia, from what you said, that drawing was in your desk and had your name on it. Well, what else could Mr. Randolph think?
Marcia: [crying] You don't believe me, either, and if you don't, I don't want a party or anything EVER FROM YOU!
[she runs off as the scene fades out]

Alice: Salt, pepper...
[reaches in cookie jar]
Alice: cookies... cookies?
[takes empty cookie box out of cupboard]
Alice: Cookies! Salt, pepper, cookies, cookies, cookies!
[writes down grocery list]
Carol: Alice, Mr. Brady and I have to go see the principal.
Mike: And we won't be gone long.
Alice: Okay, Mr. Brady.
[pause]
Alice: Principal? Which principal? Elementary school, junior high, senior high? I wonder which kid has done what to who and where?

Mike: [Peter has been brought into the den for a talk with Mike and Carol] Guess you're wondering why we've asked you to this private caucus.
Peter: It kind of entered my mind.
Mike: From what we've been able to learn, there's a security leak in the Brady administration. You seem to come off as Mr. Know-it-all. Any explanations?
Peter: Gee, I didn't think it would turn out like this.
Carol: You didn't think what would turn out like what?
Peter: Well... I kind of bugged the rooms with Dad's tape recorder.
Mike: [shocked] You kind of what?
Carol: Peter, why would you do a thing like that?
Peter: I only did it for a joke.
Mike: You think eavesdropping on people's private conversations is a joke?
Peter: I meant it to be.
Mike: Son, invasion of privacy is a serious offense. People can be sued for that.
Peter: [shocked] You mean my own brothers and sisters are going to sue me?
Carol: Well, since this is your first offense, I think they might settle for an apology.
Mike: [firmly] Immediately!

Carol: [to Peter and Bobby about their Indian cues] Do you guys know what you're supposed to do?
Peter: We attack the fort.
Bobby: Yeah, attack the fort.
Greg: No, you're friendly Indians. You come in peace.
Peter: We don't attack?
Greg: No.
[turns around]
Greg: Now, Alice...
Peter: [to Carol] Couldn't we attack the fort and then make friends?
Carol: Peter, Greg does not want an attack.
Bobby: Then what do you need Indians for?
Greg: [exasperated] Dad?
Mike: Bobby, the Indians were friendly, at first. They didn't start fighting until their land was taken away.
Bobby: You mean the Pilgrims took away all the Indians' land?
Mike: That's right. Well, at first, they didn't take much of it.
Peter: Then how about not much of an attack?

Carol: [after Alice destroys the bust of Mike's head because the kids scared her] Like I said, fun is fun, but if you're not careful, someone can get hurt.
Peter: We never thought it would be dad's head.

Carol: Mike?
Mike: Yeah.
Carol: Do you really think a bunch of women can save the park?
Mike: Honey, a stirred-up bunch of women can save almost anything... except maybe money.

Greg: [enters Mike's den] Mom, Dad, Jan said you wanted to see me.
Mike: Yes, that's right. Greg, did you get tickets for the rock concert?
Greg: Yes, sir.
Mike: Did you drive George's car down to the stadium?
[Greg looks confused]
Carol: I met Mrs. Thompson at the market. She mentioned it.
Greg: Yeah, I drove George's car.
Mike: After when you were told not to drive.
Greg: You didn't tell me to not drive.
Mike: Yes, I did!
Greg: You said not to use OUR car.
Carol: Greg, we told you not to drive.
Greg: OUR car. You didn't say I couldn't drive any car.
Mike: But you knew what we meant. You were grounded, right?
Greg: You said not to use our car for a week and I haven't used it.
Carol: Oh, come on, Greg, that's walking a pretty fine line. Are you trying to say you didn't understand what we meant, no driving?
Greg: I just know what you told me and that was not to drive the car.
Mike: Okay, Greg, okay, but let's make no mistake about this. Except for school, you are not to leave this house for the next ten days.
Greg: [upset] Ten days? I'll miss the rock concert! You can't mean that!
Mike: Oh, yes I can and I do.
[before Greg can protest]
Mike: And I don't want to hear another word about it.
Greg: AW!
[he storms out of the den]

Mike: [surprises Carol by kissing her on the neck] Guess who?
Carol: Who cares? Do it again.
[they laugh and kiss again]
Carol: Hi, honey. Where's the other half of Brady & Son?
Mike: [suspicious] You mean Greg isn't home, yet?
Carol: Was he supposed to be?
Mike: Yeah, an hour ago. He was going to deliver some designs and then come straight home.
Carol: Oh, he probably ran into an buddy or something.
[they both look to see a dejected Greg walking in with a empty cylinder case]
Greg: Hi.
Carol: [worried] What's wrong, Greg?
Mike: You delivered the designs, didn't you?
Greg: Well, I got to the place you told me and they were gone.
Mike: [takes the cylinder away] Who was gone?
Greg: The designs.
Mike: Gone?
Greg: They must've fallen out some place, when I wasn't looking.
Carol: You didn't stop anywhere along on the way, did you, Greg?
Greg: No... I mean, only at the news stand.
Mike: [snatches a car magazine from under Greg's arm] To buy this? You didn't lose THIS though, did you?

Greg: Cellophane wrapping paper. Two fish lines. They go over that beam, out the window, down to the girls' room.
Peter: Well how did they get the voice in the trunk?
Carol: [reaches in the trunk] Ah! Tape recorder.
Marcia: We ran the line down to our room and turned it on when we were ready.
Mike: Very ingenious.
Bobby: That's no fair. You tricked us.
Marcia: Well you tricked us.
Mike: Okay, everybody's even now. Joke over.
Carol: Yeah, fun is fun. But you know if you carry joking too far, somebody can end up getting hurt.
Greg: But the girls will get our allowances.
Carol: May I remind you of your famous quote: "Poorer but wiser, which is more important?"
Greg: Zapped again.