The Best Dan Truman Quotes

Truman: So what's the verdict?
Harry: They'll do it. They've made a few requests though.
Truman: Such as?
Harry: [riffles through sheets of paper] Well, there's uh, few things here, uh... nothin' really big, uh, just- Well, as an example, uh, uh, Oscar here, he's got some outstanding parking tickets. Wants them wiped off his record.
Oscar: [shouting from balcony] Fifty-six tickets in seven states...
Harry: [to Oscar] I'll-I'll tell 'em Oscar, you got it.
Oscar: Okay.
Harry: Uh, Noonan's got two women friends that he'd like to see made American citizens no questions asked. Max would like you to... bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that's gonna work, but, uh, let's see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week's Emperor's Package at Caesar's Palace. Um - hey, you guys wouldn't be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya?
[pause, turns and shakes his head]
Harry: Um, Bear would like to stay at the...
[tries to read writing]
Harry: "White horse"?
[looks up at Bear]
Bear: White, *House*. White House.
Harry: White House. Yeah, he'd like to stay in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House for the summer. Stuff like that.
Truman: Sure, I think we can, uh, take care of... some of that.
Rockhound: [shouting from balcony] Harry!
Harry: [motions back at Rockhound] Yeah one more thing, um... none of them wanna pay taxes again.
[pauses]
Harry: Ever.

Rockhound: Yeah, I remember this one. It's where the, uh, the coyote sat his ass down in a slingshot then he strapped himself to an Acme rocket. Is that - is that what we're doin' here?
Harry: [under his breath] Rockhound.
Rockhound: No, no, really, because it didn't work out too well for the coyote, Harry.
Harry: [talking over him] Hey, Rock. Knock it off.
Truman: Well, actually, we have a lot better rockets than the coyote.

Dan: Tell me, you never let anybody down before.
Harry: I never quit yet, how is that ?

Dan: [the President asks about the size of the asteroid] lt's the size of Texas, Mr President.
President: Dan, we didn't see this thing coming?
Dan: Well, our object collison budget's a million dollars, that allows us to track about 3% of the sky, and beg'n your pardon sir, but it's a big-ass sky.
President: And the ones this morning?
Dan: Uh, those are nothing. Uh, they're the size of basketballs... and, uh, Volkswagens, things like that.
President: Is this going to hit us?
Dan: We're obtaining that as we speak, sir.
President: What kind of damage are we...
Dan: Damage? Total, sir. It's what we call a global killer. The end of mankind. Doesn't matter where it hits. Nothing would survive, not even bacteria.
President: My God. What do we do?
NASA: [a NASA tech comes running into the room] We have 18 days before it hits Earth.

General: If you're trying to make me feel better about this scenario, give it up.
Truman: To tell you the truth, I'm kind of encouraged. This guy Chick here was an Air Force commando for six years.
General: We got robbery, assault, arrest, resisting arrest. We got a collection agent for the mob. Two of these guys have done serious time.
Truman: Look, they're the best at what they do.
General: So am I. And I'm not so optimistic. We spend 250 billion dollars a year on defense. And here we are. The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun.

Truman: Now let's keep the laughter to a minimum. I know this is not to scale. Both shuttles will take off Tuesday at 6:30pm. Now, 67 minutes later, you're gonna dock with the Russian Space Station to meet cosmonaut Andropov, who will refuel the shuttles with liquid O2 - that's your fuel - then you'll release and take a 60 hour trip toward the moon. Now we only have one shot of landing on this rock, and that's precisely when the asteroid passes by the moon. You'll then use lunar gravity and burn your thrusters, slingshotting you around the moon, coming up behind the asteroid. You'll be upward of 11 G's.

Grace: You have not told them yet. That is my father up there!
Dan: [to General Kimsey] This is one order you shouldn't follow and you fucking know it!

Oscar: Ok, Mr. Truman, let's say that we actually do land on this. What's it gonna be like up there?
Truman: 200 degrees in the sunlight, minus 200 in the shade, canyons of razor-sharp rock, unpredictable gravitational conditions, unexpected eruptions, things like that.
Oscar: Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That's all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable.

Dr. Banks: [going through the roughnecks' medical reports] Fail. Fail. Depressively fail! One toxicology analysis revealed ketamin, that is a very powerful sedative!
Harry: Sedatives are used all the time, doctor.
Dr. Banks: Well this one's used on horses.
Harry: Some of these guys are pretty big.
Dr. Banks: [to Truman] You know, it would normally take 18 months to psychologically prepare pre-screened, viable subjects for space travel. We have seen evidence of a wide fariety of territorial aggression.
Dan: Can they *physically* survive the trip? That's all I need to know here, okay?
Dr. Banks: Personally, I don't know how they survived the tests.

Karl: Sir, I'm retired navy, I know all about classified. But one more thing. The person that finds her gets to name her right?
Dan: Yes-yes that's right, that's right.
Karl: I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape.

Harry: What's your contingency plan?
Truman: Contingency plan?
Harry: Your backup plan. You gotta have some kind of backup plan, right?
Truman: No, we don't have a back up plan. This is it.
Harry: And this is the best that you c - that the-the government, the *U.S. government* can come up with? I mean, you-you're NASA for cryin' out loud, you put a man on the moon, you're geniuses! You-you're the guys that think this shit up! I'm sure you got a team of men sitting around somewhere right now just thinking shit up and somebody backing them up! You're telling me you don't have a backup plan, that these eight boy scouts right here, that is the world's hope, that's what you're telling me?
Truman: Yeah.

Dan: With the proximity of the asteroid, and no prep time, none of our primary plans can work.
General: Why don't we just send up a hundred and fifty nuclear warheads and blast that rock apart?
Ronald: Terrible idea.
General: Was I talkin' to you?
Dan: This is Dr. Ronald Quincy from Research. Pretty much the smartest man on the planet You might wanna listen to him.