Top 20 Quotes From Daniel Hillard

Miranda: [Answering the phone] Hello?
Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a southern drawl] ... Aaaaaargh! Laila, get back into your cell! Don't make me get the hose! Hello?

Daniel: [Wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.
Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.
Daniel: God bless you. You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.
Jack: Mmm-hmm.
Daniel: I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.
Jack: Mmm.
Daniel: I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I don't know, maybe this is too much for them?
Frank: I think we'll have to go to the next level. Latex.

Natalie: We're his goddamn kids, too.
[Miranda glares at Daniel]
Daniel: [laughs nervously] Kids say the darnedest things.
Miranda: Thank you. Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five-year-old, Daniel?

Daniel: Did you ever wish that sometimes you could freeze-frame a single moment in your day, look at it, and say, "This is not my life"?

Daniel: [to the toy dinosaurs] Take five. Take five million. You're dead.

Chris: You don't really like wearin' that stuff, do you, Dad?
Daniel: [as Daniel] Well, some of it's comfortable. No! It's a pain in the padded ass!

Mrs. Sellner: Oh, by the way. Do you have any special skills?
Daniel: Oh, yes, I do. I do voices.
Mrs. Sellner: What do you mean, you do voices?
Daniel: [German accent] Well, I do voices.
Daniel: [as evangelist] Yes!
Daniel: [as martian] We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake.
Daniel: [as Russian immigrant] Happy to be in America. Don't ask for a green card.
Daniel: [as monster] I want you in the worst way.
Daniel: [as Groucho Marx] Well this is certainly a rough meeting and it's not going very well for me, I'll tell you that.
[as Chico Marx]
Daniel: Hey boss, give her a chance. She's gonna loosen up any moment.
Daniel: [as Sean Connery] Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know you.
Daniel: [as a used-car salesman] I'll be crazy to make a deal with you!
Daniel: [as Ronald Reagan] Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head.
Daniel: [as Walter Brennan] This is it! Yes, I'm doing it! I'm sitting on a gold mine!
Daniel: [as Humphrey Bogart] Don't make me smack you, sweetheart. I'll do it.
Daniel: [normal voice] I do a great impression of a hot dog.
[leans back straight, trying to keep a straight face]
Mrs. Sellner: Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
Daniel: I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.

[Frank is making Daniel's woman costume]
Daniel: It's not working. I need to go older.
Frank: Older? You mean like a Shelley Winters older, or Shirley MacLaine older?
Daniel: What's the difference?
Frank: Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.
Daniel: What about Joan Collins?
Frank: Oh, I don't think I have the strength. But I have some plaster.

Daniel: Could you make me a woman?
Frank: Honey, I'm so happy!
[hugs Daniel]
Daniel: I knew you'd understand.

Natalie: We're in the middle of "Charlotte's Web". Who's gonna finish it?
Daniel: Well, Grandma will finish it for you.
Natalie: [whispers] She's not as good. She always skips parts, and she never does the voices. She smells funny, too.
Daniel: That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well preserved.

Jonathan: [after Daniel tells him about an ex in the dining staff] Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?
Daniel: Hey, it's the '90s!

Lou: You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving!
Daniel: Well, it's voiceover. It's an interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God, that's even better.
[as God]
Daniel: No, Pudgy, don't smoke!
Lou: Actors.
Daniel: What? Well, let's ask the technicians. Do you think its morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America?
[the three technicians are smoking. One man shrugs]
Daniel: They're biased. That's a mistrial.
Lou: Daniel, listen to me. This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script. If you wanna play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time.
Daniel: [imitating Gandhi] Then I've got to do what I've got to do.
Lou: That's very funny. Where the hell are you going? Hey listen, buddy, I'll tell you something, if you leave, you're not getting back in. I'm not taking any crap from you, pal.
Daniel: Well, in the words of Porky Pig, "Pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-piss off, Lou."

Daniel: [as Mr. Rogers] Hello, boys and girls, today we're gonna talk about dinosaurs. It's a dino-sorus line!
[sings fanfare]
Daniel: And now ladies and gentlemen, the King.
[hums tune and imitates Elvis with a T-Rex]
Daniel: Hey thank you, I'ma make you lunch, thank you. Okay, now put your claws together for James Bronnnnnntosaurus!
[James Brown style]
Daniel: Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da no meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I can't go on, can't go on, I'm goin' extinct! Now it's time for the Raptor rap.
[raps]
Daniel: Yo I'm a Raptor doin' what I can gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo yo, see me, I'm living below the soil, I'll be back but I'm comin' as oil!

Daniel: [posing as an applicant for the housekeeper position] I... am... job.
Miranda: Do you speak English?
Daniel: I... am... job!
Miranda: I'm sorry, the position has been filled.
[hangs up]
Miranda: What a nightmare!

Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
Daniel: [posing as an applicant] Uh-huh.
Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel: I was in a band. "Severe Tire Damage".
Miranda: In a band?
Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need, like, a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda: [unnerved] Umm... I'll have to get back to you.
Daniel: Wow.

Daniel: [Yiddish accent] Oi, it vas such a shandw! I should never buy gribenes from a Mohel; it's so chewy.
Daniel: [normal voice] No, oh no, I feel like Bubbi. This is not working.
Frank: You know this isn't working, but don't worry it's a work in progress, and you're my brother; I will never let you be embarrassed.
Daniel: God bless you.
Frank: I think we're gonna have to do the entire face.
Daniel: But look at this nice thing, though, we have here!
Daniel,18133: [both singing] Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match; find me a find, catch me a catch!

Lydie: Freeze, or you're gonna get it.
Chris: In the balls.
Lydie: Yeah.
[pause]
Lydie: She's got 'em?
Chris: She's got everything.
Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire; in his own voice] All right. Listen to me. I'm not... who you think I am.
Chris: Yeah, no shit.
Daniel: Watch your mouth, young man.

[at the taping of a children's show]
Daniel: They should have a little disclaimer that says "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show". Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger.

Daniel: Wow, films! Will I be introducing these movies on air?
TV: Not exactly.
Daniel: What do I do?
TV: Well, you take all these cans, you box 'em, you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them. Then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?
Daniel: After you box 'em...?
TV: You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smartass.
[turns and walks away]
Daniel: I think I made a friend.

Daniel: Oh, lighten up, will you? Just realize you're spending too much time with those corporate clones you used to despise.
Miranda: I spend too much time with you, Daniel! It's OVER! It's over...
[pause]
Daniel: Come on, Miranda. Listen, we've got problems, but who doesn't? We can work them out. What are you taking about, "It's over"?
Miranda: We've been trying to work them out for 14 years.
Daniel: Come on. Please. Listen, maybe we need some help, okay? Maybe we can go to a family therapist. They'll help us get through this together.
Miranda: It's too late for that.
Daniel: Well, let's take a vacation together with the kids, as a family. Get you away from work, you're a different person, you really are. You're great.
Miranda: Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.
Daniel: [smiles weakly] Well, we'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us.
Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke.
Daniel: [smile fades] Okay.
Miranda: We... We've just grown apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
Daniel: Oh, sure we do. We love each other.
[Miranda is quiet]
Daniel: Come on, Miranda. We love each other... don't we?
Miranda: [tearfully] I want a divorce.