The Best Miranda Hillard Quotes

Miranda: Daniel was so wonderfully different, and funny! He could always make me laugh.
Mrs. Doubtfire: They always say the key to a solid marriage is laughter.
Miranda: But after a few years, everything just stopped being funny.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Why?
Miranda: I was working all the time, and he was always between jobs. I hardly ever got to see the kids, and on the nights I'd try to get home early to be with them, something would go wrong. The house would be wrecked and I'd have to clean it up. He never knew, but so many nights I just cried myself to sleep.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [crushed] Really?
Miranda: The truth is, I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I would turn into this horrible person. I didn't want my kids growing up with a mother like that. When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better. And... I'm sure he's better when he's not with me.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Well, you never... I mean, did you ever say anything to him dear?
Miranda: Daniel never liked to talk about anything serious. I used to think Daniel could do anything, except be serious. But then *I* was serious enough for everybody.

Natalie: We're his goddamn kids, too.
[Miranda glares at Daniel]
Daniel: [laughs nervously] Kids say the darnedest things.
Miranda: Thank you. Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five-year-old, Daniel?

Daniel: Oh, lighten up, will you? Just realize you're spending too much time with those corporate clones you used to despise.
Miranda: I spend too much time with you, Daniel! It's OVER! It's over...
[pause]
Daniel: Come on, Miranda. Listen, we've got problems, but who doesn't? We can work them out. What are you taking about, "It's over"?
Miranda: We've been trying to work them out for 14 years.
Daniel: Come on. Please. Listen, maybe we need some help, okay? Maybe we can go to a family therapist. They'll help us get through this together.
Miranda: It's too late for that.
Daniel: Well, let's take a vacation together with the kids, as a family. Get you away from work, you're a different person, you really are. You're great.
Miranda: Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.
Daniel: [smiles weakly] Well, we'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us.
Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke.
Daniel: [smile fades] Okay.
Miranda: We... We've just grown apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
Daniel: Oh, sure we do. We love each other.
[Miranda is quiet]
Daniel: Come on, Miranda. We love each other... don't we?
Miranda: [tearfully] I want a divorce.

Miranda: [Answering the phone] Hello?
Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a southern drawl] ... Aaaaaargh! Laila, get back into your cell! Don't make me get the hose! Hello?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh... as I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston. God rest his soul.
Miranda: When did he pass on?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Eight years ago, dear, this November.
Miranda: What happened?
Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.
Miranda: How awful. He was an alcoholic?
Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.

Cop: Ma'am, are you aware that it's against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area?
Miranda: What if you're married to one?

Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but... how was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10?
Miranda: Well, that part was always... okay.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Just okay? Well, he was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.
Miranda: What was the matter with Winston?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh dear, Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself."

Miranda: [about Stu] Isn't he fabulous?
Mrs. Doubtfire: If you like that handsome rugged type. But personally I prefer short, furry and funny.
Miranda: He just wants to go out and have a drink. I think that's pretty harmless, don't you?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Absolutely not, dear, because they always have other intentions.
Miranda: This is business mostly. I'll just sit there and sip club soda and we'll go over wallpaper samples.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear Miranda, wake up and smell the coffee. Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes? It's too soon, dear, really. You've got to give your divorce some time, dear. Let your sheets cool down before you bring someone else into the bed, alright?
Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, certainly, dear.
Miranda: How long after Mr. Doubtfire passed away... Did you feel any desire...?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Never.
Miranda: Never?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Never again.
Miranda: Never again?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Once the father of your children is out of the picture, the only solution is total and lifelong celibacy.
Miranda: Celibacy?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Yes. And if you violate that, heaven forgive you! Good luck.

Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
Daniel: [posing as an applicant] Uh-huh.
Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel: I was in a band. "Severe Tire Damage".
Miranda: In a band?
Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need, like, a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda: [unnerved] Umm... I'll have to get back to you.
Daniel: Wow.

Miranda: [shocked] The whole time? I mean the whole time?
Miranda: [furious] The whole time?

Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [startled] What?
Miranda: You're going into the men's room.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Huh? Oh, so it is. I do need new glasses dear. Sorry.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear, I always say, a flawed husband is better than none at all.
Miranda: Who needs a husband when I've got you?

Mrs. Doubtfire: What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself?
Miranda: Yes, I did.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, it reeks of taste!

Daniel: [posing as an applicant for the housekeeper position] I... am... job.
Miranda: Do you speak English?
Daniel: I... am... job!
Miranda: I'm sorry, the position has been filled.
[hangs up]
Miranda: What a nightmare!