The Best Evelyn Carnahan Quotes

Rick: Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
Evelyn: The only thing that scares me, Mr. O'Connell, are your manners.

Evelyn: You lied to me.
Jonathan: I lie to everybody. What makes you so special?
Evelyn: I am your sister.
Jonathan: Yes, well, that just makes you more gullible.

Alex: Mom! What do I do with this chest? This sucker weighs a goddang ton.
Evelyn: Alex, watch your language!
Alex: Rather weighty, this.

Evelyn,34861: Death is only the beginning.

[after their narrow escape, Izzy cheers wildly, then rounds on O'Connell, furious]
Izzy: O'Connell. You almost got me killed!
Rick: [shrugs weakly] At least you didn't get shot.
Evelyn: Izzy! Thank you!
[kisses Izzy on the cheek]
Evelyn: Thank you!
[kisses Izzy on the cheek again]
Jonathan: [with his diamond] Yes! Yes! Yes!
Izzy: [considerably more mellow] O'Connell, who the hell you been messin' with this time, huh?
Rick: Oh, you know, the usual. Mummies, pygmies, big bugs.

[Evie is trying to bribe Rick into checking out the Oasis of Ahm Shere]
Evelyn: I think the bracelet is some sort of guide to the lost oasis of Ahm Shere.
Rick: Evy, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is no. We just got home.
Evelyn: That's the beauty of it. We're already packed.
Rick: Why don't you just give me one good reason?
Evelyn: It's just an oasis... darling. A beautiful... exciting... romantic... oasis.
Rick: Hmm. The kind with the white, sandy beach and the palm trees and the cool, clear, blue water and... We could have some of those big drinks with the little umbrellas.
Evelyn: Sounds good.
Rick: Sounds too good. What's the catch?
Evelyn: Supposedly it's the resting place of Anubis's army.
Rick: Ah, ya see? I knew there's a catch. There's *always* a catch.

Rick: The Book of the Dead? Are you sure you want to be playing around with this thing?
Evelyn: It's just a book. No harm ever came from... reading a book.

Dr. Bey: We are part of an ancient secret society. For over three thousand years, we have guarded the City of the Dead. We are sworn at manhood to do any and all in our power to stop the High Priest Imhotep from being reborn into this world.
Ardeth: And now, because of you, we have failed.
Evelyn: And you think this justifies the killing of innocent people?
Dr. Bey: To stop this creature? Let me think...
Dr. Bey,25639: *Yes*!

Evelyn: The map! The map! I forgot the map!
Rick: Relax. I'm the map. It's all up here.
[points to his head]
Evelyn: Oh, that's comforting.

Izzy: Remember that bank job in Marrakesh?
Evelyn: Bank job?
Rick: It's not like it sounds.
Izzy: Ah, it's exactly how it sounds. I'm flying high, *hiding* in the sun. The white boy here flags me down, so I fly in low for the pickup. The next thing I know, I get shot! I'm lying in the middle of the road with my spleen hanging out and I see him waltzing up with some belly dancer girl.
Evelyn: Belly dancer girl? Izzy, I think you and I should talk.
Izzy: As long as I don't get shot.

Evelyn: [In a darkened room] Abdul?
[no answer]
Evelyn: Mohammed?
[no answer]
Evelyn: ... Bob?

Evelyn: [singsong] Patience is a virtue.
Rick: Not right now, it isn't.

Evelyn: [preparing to open the sarcophagus] Oh, I've dreamt about this since I was a little girl.
Rick: You dream about dead guys?

Rick: And unlike your brother, Miss, you, I just don't get.
Evelyn: [a little drunk] Ah. I know. You're wondering... what is a place like me doing in a girl like this?
Rick: Yeah, something like that.

Rick: Right. She's a reincarnated princess, and I'm a warrior for God.
Ardeth: And your son leads the way to Ahm Shere. Three sides of the pyramid. This was all preordained thousands of years ago.
Evelyn: But how does the story end?
Ardeth: Ah, only the journey is written, not the destination.
Rick: Convenient.

Rick: And let me guess. It was commanded by, uh, the Scorpion King guy?
Evelyn: Yes, but he only awakens once every 5,000 years.
Rick: Right. And if someone doesn't kill him, then he's gonna wipe out the world.
Evelyn: How did you know?
Rick: I didn't. But that's always the story.
Evelyn: The last known expedition to actually reach Ahm Shere was sent by Ramses the Fourth over 3,000 years ago. He sent over a thousand men.
Rick: And none of them was ever seen again.
Evelyn: How did you know?
Rick: I didn't. But that's always the story.

Evelyn: You were actually at Hamunaptra?
Rick: Yeah, I was there.
Evelyn: You swear?
Rick: Every damn day.

Rick: [talking about Alex] I swear, the kid gets more and more like you every day.
Evelyn: What, you mean more attractive, sweet and... devilishly charming?
Rick: No, he's driving me crazy.

Evelyn: Jonathan?
Jonathan: Yes?
Evelyn: That's my husband and my son down there. Make me proud.
Jonathan: Today's that day, Evy.

Evelyn: [about Ahm Shere] Alexander the Great sent troops in search of it.
Rick: Great for him.
Evelyn: So did Caesar.
Rick: Yeah, look what happened to his career.
Evelyn: And Napoleon.
Rick: Yeah, but we're smarter than him. And taller, too.
Evelyn: Exactly. That's why we're the ones who are gonna find it.
Rick: Because we're taller?

Rick: [to Mr. Henderson] This door doesn't open. She doesn't come out, and no one goes in, right?
Mr. Henderson: Right.
Rick: [to Mr. Daniels] Right?
Mr. Daniels: Right.
Evelyn: [locked in the bedroom] O'Connell! Jonathan!
Rick: Let's go, Jonathan.
Jonathan: Oh, uh, I thought I could just stay at the fort and, uh, reconnoiter.
Rick: Now!
Jonathan: Yeah. Right. We're just gonna rescue the... Egyptologist.

Evelyn: We must stop him from regenerating. Who opened that chest?
Mr. Henderson: Well, there was me, and Daniels here. Oh, and Burns, of course.
Mr. Daniels: And that Egyptologist feller.
Rick: What about my buddy, Beni?
Mr. Daniels: Nah, he scrammed out of there 'fore we opened the damn thing.
Mr. Henderson: Yeah. He was the smart one.
Rick: Well, yeah, that sounds like Beni.

Rick: That's called stealing, you know.
Evelyn: According to you and my brother, it's called borrowing.

Rick: Where the hell's Jonathon?
[Jonathon drives up in a double-decker bus with Alex]
Evelyn: Alex!
Rick: What's the matter with my car?
Jonathan: Well, I was forced to find an alternative means of transportation.
Rick: [shouting] A double-decker bus?
Jonathan: [pointing to Alex] It was his idea!
Alex: Was not!
Jonathan: Was too!
Rick: Just go!
Jonathan: Was too!
Alex: Was not!

[as Evy fights Imhotep's followers skillfuly with a sword]
Alex: Whoa, Mom! When did you learn to do that?
Evelyn: [surprised look on her face] I have no idea.
[a thug grabs her by the throat and pushes her against the wall. She knees him in the groin and decks him with a right hook]
Evelyn: *That* I learned from your father.

Jonathan: [Jonathan hands Evy a strange box] My whole life, I've never found anything, Evy. *Please* tell me I've found something.
Jonathan: [Evelyn opens the strange box, inside lies an ancient map] Jonathan?
Jonathan: Yes?
Evelyn: I think you found something.

Evelyn: [upon opening Imhotep's sarcophagus and he falls forward] Oh, my God, I *hate* it when these things do that.
Rick: Is he supposed to look like that?
Evelyn: No, I've never seen a mummy look like this before. He-He's still... still...
Rick,34860: ...juicy.

Evelyn: Um... by the way... why did you kiss me?
Rick: I was about to be hanged. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Evelyn: Ooh!
[gets up and walks away in a huff]
Rick: [Calling after her] What? What'd I say?

Dr. Bey: [stutters in disbelief] What... How... Oh, look at this! Sons of the pharaohs! Give me frogs! Flies! Locusts! Anything but *you*! Compared to you, the other plagues were a joy!
Evelyn: I am so very sorry. It was an accident.
Dr. Bey: My girl, when Rameses destroyed Syria, that was an accident. You are a *catastrophe*!

Evelyn: It's only a chest. No harm ever came from opening a chest.
Rick: Yeah, right, and no harm ever came from reading a book. You remember how that one went?

[Evelyn has just kicked a poisonous snake towards Rick]
Rick: Those are poisonous, you know.
Evelyn: Only if they bite you.

Jonathan: Let's see what our friend the warden believed in.
[starts looking through the warden's pouch. Suddenly he cuts himself on something]
Rick: What?
Evelyn: My God, what is it?
Jonathan: A broken bottle. Glenlivet, twelve years old! Well, he may have been a stinky fellow, but he had good taste.

Rick: Can you swim?
Evelyn: Well, of course I can swim, if the occasion calls for it.
Rick: [throwing her overboard] Trust me. It calls for it.

Evelyn: Look, I... I may not be an explorer or an adventurer, or a treasure-seeker or a gunfighter, Mr. O'Connell, but I am proud of what I am.
Rick: And what is that?
Evelyn: I... am a librarian.

Evelyn: Have you got any bright ideas?
Rick: I'm thinking, I'm thinking...
Evelyn: You better think of something fast, because if he turns me into a mummy, you're the first one I'm coming after.

Evelyn: Oh, for heaven's sake, girl, it wasn't that good of a kiss, anyway.

Evelyn: Oh, my God. It's a... it's a sarcophagus. Buried at the base of Anubis. He must have been someone of great importance. Or he did something *very* naughty.

Rick: [trying to pack Evelyn's things into a suitcase, but, as he's packing, she's taking her things back out again] I thought you said you didn't believe in all this fairy tales and hokum stuff!
Evelyn: Well, having an encounter with a three thousand-year-old walking, talking corpse does tend to convert one.
Rick: Forget it! We're out the door, we're down the hall, and we're gone.
Evelyn: Oh, no, we are not!
Rick: Oh, yes, we are!
Evelyn: Oh, no, we are not! We woke him up, and we are going stop him!
Rick: We? What 'we'? We didn't read that book. I told you not to play around with that thing, didn't I tell you not to play around with that thing?
Evelyn: Yes, that's right, me, me, me, me, I, I, I woke him up and I intend to stop him.
Rick: Oh yeah? How? You heard the man, no mortal weapons can kill this guy.
Evelyn: Then we're just going to have to find some immortal ones!
Rick: There goes that 'we' again, y'know I wonder if-
[Evelyn slams the suitcase shut on Rick's fingers]
Rick: Ah!
Evelyn: Listen we've got to do something! Once the creature's been reborn, his curse is going to spread until the whole of the earth is destroyed!
Rick: And is that my problem?
Evelyn: Well, it is everybody's problem!
Rick: Evelyn, I appreciate you saving my life and all, but when I signed on, I agreed to take you out there and bring you back, end of job, end of story, contract terminated!
Evelyn: Oh, that's all I am to you, a contract?
Rick: Ok look, you can either tag along with me or stay here... and try to save the world! What's it gonna be?
Evelyn: I'm staying.
Rick: Fine!
Evelyn: Fine!
Rick: Fine.
Evelyn: Fine.
Rick: Fine.
[leaves and slams the door]
Evelyn: Ooh...

Evelyn: [about O'Connell to Jonathan] Well, personally, I think he's filthy, rude, a complete scoundrel. I don't like him one bit.
Rick: [walking up from behind] Anyone I know?

Evelyn: You know, nasty little fellows such as yourself always get their comeuppance.
Beni: [laughing] Really? They do?
Evelyn: Oh, yes. Always.

Rick: Let me get this straight. They ripped out your guts and they stuffed them in jars?
Evelyn: And then they take out your heart as well. Oh, and you know how they took out your brains?
Jonathan: Evy, I don't think we need to know this.
Evelyn: They take a sharp, red-hot poker, stick it up your nose, scramble things about a bit, and then rip it all out through your nostrils.
Rick: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
Evelyn: It's called mummification. You'll be dead when they do this.
Rick: For the record, if I don't make it out of here, don't put me down for mummification.
Jonathan: Likewise.

Evelyn: [after destroying the museum library] Oops.