The Best Fred Haise Quotes

[Lovell and Haise are trying to get control of the lunar module]
Jim: We're all out of whack. We try to pitch down but we yaw to the left. Why can't I null this out?
Fred: She wasn't designed to fly attached like this. Our center of gravity is the command module.
Jim: It's like flying with a dead elephant on our back.

Fred: [after faultlessly performing numerous crucial operations that it was never designed for, thereby saving the astronauts' lives, the crew must jettison their Lunar Excursion Module, "Aquarius". Fred watches through the window as it drifts off into space] She sure was a good ship.
Jack: Farewell, Aquarius, and we thank you.

Fred: I know why my numbers were wrong. I only figured it for two people.
Jack: Maybe I should just hold my breath.

[after a dispute has broken out between Haise and Swigert]
Jim: All right, we're not doing this, gentlemen. We are *not* doing this. We're not going to go bouncing off the walls for ten minutes, 'cause we're just going to end up back here with the same problems! Try to figure out how to stay alive!
William: [over communications mic] Aquarius, this is Houston.
Jim: [shouts] Are we on Vox?
Fred: No, we're not on Vox.
[Lovell turns on his mic]
Jim: [calmly] Yeah, Houston, this is Aquarius.

Fred: It hurts when I urinate.
Jim: Well, you're not getting enough water.
Fred: No, I'm drinkin' my rations, same as you... I think old Swigert gave me the clap. Been pissin' in my relief tube.
Jim: Well, that'd be a hot one at the debriefing for the flight surgeons... Another first for America's spacemen.

Jack: [Swigert bumps his head on the ceiling of the crowded lunar module] Oww! Goddamn this piece of shit!
Fred: Hey! this piece of shit's going to get you home! That's 'cause that's the only thing we've got left, Jack.
Jack: Well, what are you saying, Fred?
Fred: Oh, I think you know what I'm saying...
Jack: Now wait a minute... all I did was stir those tanks...
Fred: What was that gauge reading before you hit the switch?
Jack: Hey, don't tell me how to fly the damned CM, all right? They brought me in here to do a job, they asked me to stir the damned tanks, and I stirred the tanks!
Fred: You didn't know what you were doing, do you?
Jim: Jack, quit kicking yourself in the ass.
Jack: This is NOT MY FAULT!
Jim: No one is saying it is. If I'm in the left-hand seat when the call comes up, *I* stir the tanks.
Jack: Yeah, well, tell *him* that.
Fred: I just asked you what the gauge was reading. AND YOU DON'T KNOW!
Jim: All right, we're not doing this, gentlemen. We are *not* going to do this. We're not going to go bouncing off the walls for ten minutes, 'cause we're just going to end up back here with the same problems! Try to figure out how to stay alive!
CAPCOM: Aquarius, this is Houston.
Jim: [shouting] ARE WE ON VOX?
Fred: No, we're not on VOX.
Jim: [Hits switch, calm tone] Yeah, Houston, this is Aquarius. Go ahead.

Jim: Freddo, how long does it take to power up the LEM?
Fred: Three hours by the checklist.
Jim: We don't have that much time.