The Best John Orchard Quotes

Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: [Hawkeye, Trapper, and Ugly John are playing poker] I'll open for two blues.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Wait a minute. The blues are worth $5,000 or $10,000?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: For the last time, the whites are worth $5,000, the blues are worth $10,000, the reds are worth $25,000. A whole stack is worth a million, and at the end of the game, we'll settle for half.
[Hawkeye and Trapper bid]
Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: I'll call.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: By the way, what happens if the bomb doesn't go off?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Then the whites are worth 25 cents, the blues are worth 50 cents, and the reds are worth a dollar.

[Hogan decides to destroy the German ammo dump unsuccessfully attacked by Sergeant Orchard and his men]
Sergeant: You're thinking of going there?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why not? It's in the neighborhood.
Sergeant: You mean you're going to stage a raid from a prison camp? You must be daft! That's fifty miles away through the heart of Germany. How are you going to get there?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Through our local travelers aid man, Colonel Klink

Snead: Well, it looks to me as though we've both failed.
Mrs. Neal: There's always a first time, Snead.
Snead: Unfortunately, when one works for KAOS, it's usually the last time. I suggest, Mrs Neal, that we take a permanent leave of absence.
Mrs. Neal: I agree, Snead.