The Best Judge Chamberlain Haller Quotes

Vinny: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
[she folds her arms and turns her back on him]
Judge: Would you please answer the counselor's question?
Mona: No, I hate him.
Vinny: Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Mona: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.
Judge: Do you two know each other?
Vinny: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Vinny: [about his secondhand suit, which has an 18th-century look and is red] I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket, which I know you hate, or this. So, I wore this ridiculous thing for you.
Judge: Are you on drugs?
Vinny: No. I don't do drugs.
Judge: I don't like your attitude.

Vinny: I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly to those who will give scientific evidence, so that we can properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as to give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.
[there is a short pause as Judge Haller appears caught off-guard by Vinny's sudden competence with knowledge of the law]
Judge: Mr. Gambini?
Vinny: Yes, sir?
Judge: That is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection.
Vinny: Thank you, Your Honor.
Judge: [in a firm tone] Overruled.

Judge: I don't like your attitude.
Vinny: So what else is new?
Judge: I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny: [to Bill] Now there's a fucking surprise.
Judge: What did you say? What did you just say?
Vinny: Huh? What did I say?

Judge: How do your clients plead?
Vinny: Er, my clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.
Judge: What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?
Vinny: No. I'm just trying to explain...
Judge: [cutting him off] I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has its procedure. And that procedure at this point in time is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?
Vinny: Uh, yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here...
Judge: Mr. Gambini...
[the Judge motions for Vinny to approach the bench]
Vinny: My clients, er...
Judge: [in Vinny approaching the bench] All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer: guilty or not guilty.
Vinny: But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.
Judge: Once again, the communication process has broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.

Vinny: My clients...
Judge: What are you wearing?
Vinny: Huh?
Judge: What are you wearing?
Vinny: [wearing a black leather jacket] Um... I'm wearing clothes.
[the Judge angrily stares ominously at Vinny]
Vinny: I... I don't get the question.
Judge: When you come into my court looking like you do, you not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court!
Vinny: I apologise, sir, but, uh... this is how I dress.
Judge: Fine. I'll let you off this one time. The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of... cloth. You understand me?
Vinny: [not comprehending] Uh... yes. Fine, Judge, fine.

Vinny: [opening statements] Uh... everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you.
Jim: Objection. Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.
Judge: Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement... with the exception of "thank you"... will be stricken from the record.

Vinny: Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defence, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defence's case holds water?
[Lisa examines the picture]
Vinny: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defence's case hold water?
Mona: No! The defence is wrong!
Vinny: Are you sure?
Mona: I'm positive.
Vinny: How could you be so sure?
Mona: Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a 1964 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Jim: Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?
Judge: [to Lisa] This is your opinion?
Mona: It's a fact!
Vinny: I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
Mona: Would you like me to explain?
Vinny: I would *love* to hear this!
Judge: So would I!

Vinny: It is possible that the two yutes...
Judge: Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny: Uh... what word?
Judge: Two what?
Vinny: What?
Judge: Uh... did you say "yutes"?
Vinny: Yeah, two yutes.
Judge: What is a yute?
Vinny: [beating] Oh, excuse me, your honor...
Vinny: [in an exaggerated manner] Two *youths*.

Jim: Now, uh, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
Mona: It's a bullshit question.
Jim: Does that mean that you can't answer it?
Mona: It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
Jim: Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Mona: Nobody could answer that question!
Jim: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as a "expert witness"!
Judge: Can you answer the question?
Mona: No, it is a trick question!
Judge: Why is it a trick question?
Vinny: [to Bill] Watch this.
Mona: 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Jim: Well... um... she's acceptable, Your Honor.

Vinny: Mrs. Riley, when you saw the defendants, were you wearing your glasses?
Constance: Yes, I was.
Vinny: [pointing upward in Mrs. Riley not looking in his direction] Over here, dear. Would you mind putting your glasses on for us, please?
Vinny: [stumbling a bit from staring into Mrs. Riley's eyes through her very thick glasses] Whoa. How long you been wearing glasses?
Constance: Since I was six.
Vinny: Have they always been that thick?
Constance: Oh, no. They've gotten thicker over the years.
Vinny: So, as your eyes have gotten more and more out of whack, as you've gotten older, how many different levels of thickness have you gone through?
Constance: Oh, I don't know, over sixty years, maybe ten times.
Vinny: Maybe you're ready for a thicker set.
Constance: Oh no. I think they're okay.
Vinny: Maybe we should make sure. Let's check it out.
Vinny: [grabbing a tape measure from his desk and bringing it over to Mrs. Riley] Now, how far away were the defendants from you when when you saw them enterin' the Sac-o-Suds?
Constance: About a hundred feet.
Vinny: A hundred feet.
Vinny: [handing Mrs. Riley the end of the tape measure] Would you mind holding this, please? Thank you.
Vinny: [making his way through the crowd to the courtroom door] Sorry. Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry, sorry. Okay, this is fifty feet, that's half the distance.
[Vinny holds up two fingers on his right hand]
Vinny: How many fingers am I holding up?
[Mrs. Riley is squinting, trying to see the fingers]
Judge: Let the record know that the counselor is holding up two fingers.
Vinny: [annoyed] Your Honor, please, huh?
Judge: Oh, sorry.
Vinny: Now. Mrs. Riley, and *only* Mrs. Riley...
[Judge Chamberlain gives Vinny a dirty look. Vinny holds up two fingers on his right hand again]
Vinny: How many fingers am I holding up now?
Constance: [squinting, trying to see the fingers] Four.
Vinny: [coming back to Mrs. Riley amid the courtroom rumbling in she getting the number wrong] What do you think now, dear?
Constance: Thinkin' of gettin' thicker glasses.

Vinny: Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?
George: Very impressive.
Vinny: She's cute too, huh?
George: Yes, very.
[there is laughter in the courtroom]
Judge: Mr. Gambini...
Vinny: Sorry, Your Honor.

Judge: Mr. Gambini, the next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. I don't want to hear any facts or evidence. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat to speak. Now, how do your clients plead?
Vinny: [intimidated, but the words go right past him] I think I get the point.
Judge: No, I don't think you do. Now you're officially in contempt of court! Would you like to say something else and go for two counts of contempt of court?
Vinny: Not guilty?
Judge: Thank you. Not guilty plea has been entered for the record. Probable cause hearing will begin tomorrow at noon. Bail for both defendants will be set at $200,000. Oh and bailiff, take Mr. Gambini into custody with them... and set his bail at $200 for one count of contempt of court.

Judge: I tell you this, because I want you to know that, when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.
Vinny: You should.
Judge: Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.
Vinny: I shouldn't. I don't expect to get special treatment, your honor.
Judge: Good. You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.
[the Judge takes a book on Alabama law from his book case]
Judge: Now, I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.
[the Judge drops the book before Vinny]
Judge: You willing to accept those terms?
Vinny: Sure. No problem.
[Vinny quickly leafs through the book]
Vinny: Just this? Ha ha.