The Best Mona Lisa Vito Quotes

Vinny: What's the matter with you?
Mona: I don't know.
Vinny: You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Mona: Well, yeah. I am.
Vinny: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Mona: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Mona: Oh, Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
Vinny: And?
Mona: Well, I hate to bring it up, because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, *ten years later*, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is...
[taps her foot]
Mona: ...*ticking like this* and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, *and* a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your...
[Vinny taps his foot]
Vinny: ...*biological clock* - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more *shit* we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Mona: [pause] Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

Mona: Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?
Vinny: I told you why already.
Mona: He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises.
Mona: [as Vinny has a blank look on his face] They didn't teach you that in law school either?

Vinny: [hearing a drip in the motel bathroom] Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?
Mona: So?
Vinny: Well, did you use the faucet?
Mona: Yeah.
Vinny: Then why didn'tcha turn it off?
Mona: I *did* turn it off!
Vinny: Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?
Mona: Did it ever occur to you it could be turned off *and* drip at the same time?
Vinny: No. Because if you'd turned it off, it wouldn't drip!
Mona: Maybe it's broken.
Vinny: Is that what you're saying? It's broken?
Mona: Yeah. That's it, it's broken.
Vinny: You sure?
Mona: I'm positive.
Vinny: Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.
Mona: I twisted it just right.
Vinny: How could you be so sure?
Mona: [sighs] If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of ten to sixteen foot-pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
Vinny: Well, how could you be sure you used 16 foot-pounds of torque?
Mona: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory Edition Signature Series torque wrench. The kind used by Caltech high energy physicists. And NASA engineers.
Vinny: Well, in that case, how can you be sure *that's* accurate?
Mona: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state *and* federal Department of Weights and Measures... to be dead on balls accurate!
Mona: [ripping a page out of a magazine and hands it to him] Here's the certificate of validation.
Vinny: Dead on balls accurate?
Mona: It's an industry term.
Vinny: [tosses the paper away] I guess the fucking thing is broken.

Vinny: I got thirty fucking minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the fucking courthouse!
Mona: You fucking shower, I'll get your fucking suit!

Mona: [angrily] What the fuck is going on here, Vinny? You fucking up this case or what?
Vinny: I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's a procedure. I'm learning all this as I go along. I'm bound to fuck up a little.
Mona: A little? You've been thrown in jail twice!

Vinny: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
[she folds her arms and turns her back on him]
Judge: Would you please answer the counselor's question?
Mona: No, I hate him.
Vinny: Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Mona: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.
Judge: Do you two know each other?
Vinny: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Mona: You're goin' hunting?
Vinny: That's right.
Mona: Why are you going hunting? Shouldn't you be out preparing for court?
Vinny: I was thinking last night. If only I knew what he knows, you know? If he'd let me look at his files; oh boy.
Mona: I don't get it. What does getting to Trotter's files have anything to do with hunting?
Vinny: Well, you know, two guys, out in the woods, guns, on the hunt. It's a bonding thing, you know; show him I'm one of the boys. He's not gonna let me look at his files, but maybe he'll relax enough to drop his guard so I can finesse a little information out of him.
[Vinny searches through his clothes]
Vinny: What am I gonna wear?
Mona: What are ya gonna hunt?
Vinny: I don't know. He's got a lot of stuffed heads in his office.
Mona: Heads?
[Vinny looks up at Lisa]
Mona: What kinda heads?
Vinny: I don't know, he's got a boar, a bear, a couple of deer.
Mona: Whoa. You're gonna shoot a deer?
Vinny: I don't know. I suppose. I mean, I'm a man's man, I could go deer hunting.
Mona: A sweet, innocent, harmless, leaf-eating, doe-eyed little deer.
Vinny: Hey Lisa, I'm not gonna go out there just to wimp out, you know. I mean, the guy will lose respect for me, would you rather have that?
[Lisa gets up, walks over to the bathroom and shuts the door]
Vinny: What about these pants I got on, you think they're O.K.?
[Vinny looks down]
Vinny: Oh!
Mona: [comes out of the bathroom] Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water... BAM! A fuckin bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now I ask ya. Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

Vinny: I won my first case, you know what this means...
Mona: Yeah, you think I'm gonna marry you.
Vinny: What, now you're not gonna marry me?
Mona: No way. You can't even win a case by yourself, you're fuckin' useless.

Jim: Now, uh, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
Mona: It's a bullshit question.
Jim: Does that mean that you can't answer it?
Mona: It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
Jim: Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Mona: Nobody could answer that question!
Jim: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as a "expert witness"!
Judge: Can you answer the question?
Mona: No, it is a trick question!
Judge: Why is it a trick question?
Vinny: [to Bill] Watch this.
Mona: 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Jim: Well... um... she's acceptable, Your Honor.

Mona: So what's your problem?
Vinny: My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Mona: Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Vinny: Yeah.
Mona: You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? You win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "Thank you."
[pause]
Mona: Oh, my God, what a fucking nightmare!

Vinny: Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defence, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defence's case holds water?
[Lisa examines the picture]
Vinny: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defence's case hold water?
Mona: No! The defence is wrong!
Vinny: Are you sure?
Mona: I'm positive.
Vinny: How could you be so sure?
Mona: Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a 1964 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Jim: Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?
Judge: [to Lisa] This is your opinion?
Mona: It's a fact!
Vinny: I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
Mona: Would you like me to explain?
Vinny: I would *love* to hear this!
Judge: So would I!

Mona: Support? Is that what you want? I'm sorry, you were wonderful in there! The way you handled that judge... ooh you are a smooth talker. You are... you are!

Mona: [Vinny looks at her funny] What?
Vinny: Nothing. You stick out like a sore thumb around here.
Mona: Me? What about you?
Vinny: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.
Mona: Oh yeah, you blend.

Mona: What name did you tell him?
Vinny: Jerry Gallo.
Mona: Jerry Gallo! The big attorney.
Vinny: Yeah.
Mona: Think that was a smart move?
Vinny: Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.
Mona: His name was in the papers all last week.
Vinny: Yeah, I saw that.
Mona: But you didn't actually read the articles.
Vinny: No.
Mona: Too bad.
Vinny: Why's that?
Mona: 'Cause he's dead.

Vinny: [answering the phone] Hello?
Jim: [into the phone] You did good out there today, Yankee. I like the competition. You like competition, too? Makes things kinds fun, doesn't it?
Vinny: I'm enjoying myself so far.
Jim: Well, I got a little surprise for you tomorrow.
Vinny: What is it? You know you have to disclose all of your evidence to me before presenting it at trial.
Jim: I just got it myself tonight. I'll disclose it first thing in the morning. The Judge is gonna have to admit it.
Vinny: Should I be worried?
Jim: I sure would be if I were you.
Vinny: [hanging up the phone then addressing Lisa] Hey, Honey. Where'd you read about all that disclosure shit?
Mona: Here, let me show ya. Why?

Mona: The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make those marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!
Vinny: And why not? What is positraction?
Mona: It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.
Juror: That's right.
Vinny: Is that it?
Mona: No, there's more! You see? When the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60s, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, width, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Vinny: And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?
Mona: They were!
Vinny: Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very, very much.
[kissing her hands]
Vinny: You've been a lovely, lovely witness.

Jim: Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
Mona: I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
Jim: An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
Mona: It doesn't.