The Best Kristina Braverman Quotes

Kristina: You know what the problem is for mothers?
Sarah: Daughters?
Kristina: Daughters!
Julia: Amen.

Max: [His parents recommend he not run for student council president] No, you can't tell me not to run. That's fascist. You're both fascists!
Adam: We're not fascists.
Kristina: We're definitely not fascists.
Max: You know what, this is an assault to my freedom. I'm reporting you both to the House Un-American Activities Commission!
Adam: OK - all right - you might have a tough time getting in touch with them, Max, because the House Un-American Activities Committee's been disbanded for being un-American!

Kristina: Oh, by the way... guess who started buying bras?
Sarah: Who?
Kristina: From Victoria's Secret.
Sarah: You?
Kristina: Haddie!
Julia: Oh-oh.
Sarah: Oh, that's okay.
Kristina: Yes. Very sexy bras!
Sarah: How bad is it, what's the lace-to-base?
Kristina: The what?
Sarah: If it's really lacey, it means she's going further... on the base-y... you know?
Kristina: What are you talkin' about, she's not doing any of that.
Sarah: First base is kissing, second base is...
[to Julia]
Sarah: what is second base?
[Julia signals her to shut up]
Kristina: There's a lot of lace but she's not doing any of that.
Julia: Course not.
Sarah: Okay, second base is reading Tennyson.

Lauren: Dude, have you nailed down the brown endorsement yet?
Lenny: Dude, I'm working all the angles I can.
Kristina: Um, I... I actually know somebody that knows Jerry. Let me check.
[starts flipping pages of her address book]
Kristina: Jerry Brown... or at least I used to...
Ed: Kristina?
Kristina: Yeah? You can call me dude.

Max: Well I asked her for it.
Kristina: You did?
Max: You said I just had to ask.
Kristina: No I didn't.
Max: You just said, "You can only have it if you ask her."
Kristina: But she has to say "yes."
Max: You never said that.

Kristina: Stop!
Adam: What?
Kristina: Adam... I know... that you're trying to make everything okay for me. You always have our whole lives. And I love you so much for that, but... you have to let me be scared. I wanna be able to come to you and just say, "Adam, I'm, I'm really scared today." And I just want you to hear it. I don't want you to tell me to think positive or that... that everything's gonna be great! Because right now, I'm not sure that it's going to be. And I just want to be able to feel scared. That's just what I need from you right now.
Adam: Okay... I can do that.
Kristina: I love you.
Adam: I love you too, so much... Kristina, I'm sorry. I'm not gonna let you down.

[Kristina is preparing dinner with Max, who has recently begun puberty, when Zeek and Camille arrive]
Zeek: Hey, Max-o. How's it going, kid?
Max: Hi, Grandpa. I have pubic hair.
Camille: Oh, congratulations!
Zeek: There you go.
Camille: That's so great.
Zeek: All right.
Kristina: Max, we're not really supposed to talk about that at dinner. It's not appropriate.
Max: Well, it's not dinner yet.
Kristina: Okay. We're gonna talk about that later, okay?
Max: It's not dinner. The Internet said that girls begin puberty at their first menses.
Camille: That's right!
Zeek: Ooh.
Max: But I don't know what that is. It also said that boys start at their first ejaculation.
Camille: [laughing] Correct!
Zeek: Hey.
Kristina: Okay, buddy...
Max: I haven't ejaculated yet.
Camille: Well...
Zeek: Give it time.
Camille: Yeah, it won't be long.
[Camille and Zeek laugh]
Max: It says that, uh - the Internet says that when I do, I will begin to see girls in a new and exciting way.
Camille: Boy, that's probably true.
Zeek: Oh, well, that's - a whole new world is gonna open up for you, Max, believe you me, you start ejaculating.
Kristina: Oh my god. Okay.
Max: Do you ejaculate, Grandpa?
Kristina: No, Max! No, please...
Camille: Whenever he possibly can.
Zeek: Do I ejaculate? Oh man, do I ever. I tell you.
Kristina: Who likes pasta? This is not appropriate.