The Best Marty Glouberman Quotes

Marty: Andrew, look at me! I'm blasting my big balls with your mother's hair dryer!

Nick: Whoa, this is crazy. I'm actually controlling Marty's body.
Andrew: [he looks at him controlling Marty's body] Dad, are you okay? You sound exactly like Nick.
Andrew: That's because I am Nick.
Andrew: Nick, are you in there? What the hell's going on?
Nick: My evil future self has taken over my body.
Andrew: Oh, God! That can happen?
Nick: So, I possessed your dad through his butthole, and I...
Andrew: [he starts freaking out] What the hell are you talking about?
Nick: Oh, God, I was trying to calm you down, and now I realize I'm freaking you out more!
Andrew: Yeah, a bit!
Nick: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm the worst, and I'm gonna be like this forever!
Andrew: [He slaps him in the face] SHUT THE FUCK UP! You're making me more nervous.
Andrew: [but then calms down] Just let me breathe.
Nick: What do you mean?
Andrew: Fucking listen! Inhale for four.
[takes a deep breath and they both inhale]
Nick: In for four.
[and then they both exhale]
Andrew: There, that's better.
Nick: Okay, I'm still a little wobbly, but it might just be the sheer weight of your dad's balls. It feels like I have two paint cans hanging from my taint.
Andrew: Hey, wait... Nick, while you're in there, would you tell me that you're proud of me?
Nick: Oh, this is kinda sad.
Andrew: Come on, I...
Nick: Uh, sure, Andrew, I'm proud of you.
Andrew: No, damn it, say it like my dad.
Nick: Oh, okay, uh...
Nick: [then acts up like Marty] Andrew, you useless sack of nothing. I'm proud of you!
Andrew: Oh, thanks, Dad. I'm gonna hit you again.
[then slaps him once again]
Nick: Whoa!
Andrew: Nick!
Nick: You... You can see me?
Marty: Andrew, did you just slap me in the face?
Andrew: I did, twice, and I'm sorry.
Marty: Don't you dare apologize! For the first time ever, I'm proud of ya, son!
Andrew: Oh, maybe one day I'll kill you.
[and then chuckles]

Marty: [Andrew as Marty] Mrs. Birch, I need to talk to Nick.
Diane: Marty?
Marty: [panicked in fright] No. I mean, yes. Yeah. I mean... Would you just put Nick on, please?
Diane: [calls on Nick] Nick, Andrew's dad is on the phone for you.
[holds the phone to him]
Seamus: [tired] Mr. Glouberman?
Marty: Oh, Sorry, Grandpa MacGregor, I needed to talk to Nick.
Seamus: This is Nick. Wait. Why is my voice so weird? And why do I feel my skeleton?
Marty: Aw, SHIT. Nick, it happened to you too.
Seamus: [Nick as Seamus] What happened?
Marty: This is Andrew.
[looks at his underwear]
Marty: I woke up in my dad's body.
Seamus: WHAT? What are you talking about?
Marty: [shocked] JUST GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR!
[he goes looking in the mirror looking like an old man, and gets shocked]
Seamus: AH! MY FACE. MY BODY.
Rick: Oh, shit, Nick. You turned into a California Raisin.
Seamus: I'm my fucking grandpa. Oh GOD! Do you think this has happened to anyone else?

[during the credits]
Marty: [wearing an eyepatch] Andrew, why aren't you at camp?
Andrew: Because I am not going to camp, Dad!
Marty: What the hell are you talking about? We said goodbye to you last night.
Andrew: You didn't say goodbye. You said goodnight to the TV, which you do every night!
Marty: Well, you're going to camp! I already paid for it!
Andrew: No! Nick is there and he and I are fighting!
Marty: Nick? Who the hell is Nick?
Andrew: He's nobody to me!
Marty: Aren't you gonna ask me about my eyepatch?

Marty: [spoken over opening credits] Agh! Come on, come, on, we already know who's in this show. What is that, a sperm? Disgusting! Skip the intro already, would ya? We don't have time. Mantzoukas? Too many letters! Ach, who is watching this garbage? The neo-Nazi trolls on YouTube are right. This show is disgusting. You know who had a good intro song? "Two and a Half Men"! They got right to the point. "Men!" Come on, already, let's literally get the show on the road. Now, that's funny. They should put that in the show.

Marty: [to the turkey in the oven] Come on! Are you golden brown yet, you lazy son of a bitch!

Marty: I can't believe my kid paid thirty bucks, just to chicken out like Al Franken.