Top 30 Quotes From Andrew Glouberman

Nick: Eighth grade! Look at us, growin' up. Not like Bart Simpson. That yellow schmuck's been in fourth grade for like, thirty years.
Andrew: Also, is his hair like his skin?
Nick: Yeah, he should get that looked at.
Andrew: I mean, draw hair.

Nick: Hey, Jessi, where's Missy?
Jessi: After that whole scene yesterday, she didn't come to school.
Nick: See what you did, Andrew?
Andrew: [Flips Nick off] Fuck you. Sit on this. Fuck your family.

Andrew: My whole body is tense, like Joe Biden is whispering a dirty joke in my ear.

Maury the Hormone Monster: Why can't you just sh*t in the bunk?
Andrew: Everyone's hooking up in there, and you know I get caca-shy!
Andrew's: I'm not going anywhere, you fucking bird brain!
Maury the Hormone Monster: Strain, Andrew. Push all the blood to your face!
Andrew's: If you motherfuckers try and shit me, I'LL PULL OUT YOUR F***ING SPINAL CORD!
Andrew: Oh, God, Maury.
[strains very hard but doesn't how to do it]
Andrew: I'm scared. Maybe I can just hold it in forever
Maury the Hormone Monster: You can't, Andrew! You'll go mad! I think it's time for me to pop your dookie bubble. Shout-out to Bobby and Whitney.
Andrew: [his stomach was growling] Oh, fuck! Okay, I'll try anything. Just hurry up.
Maury the Hormone Monster: All right, Andrew, I think I--
[grunts and Andrew's poop cuts his throat]
Andrew: [Maury picks up the knife in blood] Maury! How did he get a knife?
Andrew's: I'm a pile of shit with nothing to lose!
[when Maury's throat was cut]
Andrew: Oh, no, Maury. Stay with me. No! Shh, just hold it in. No, just don't let the blood out--
[when Andrew hears the poop cackling and his body was decayed]
Andrew: [sobbing in fright] Why are you doing this to me?
Andrew's: You made me! I am the ugly hate inside of you, and I'll keep getting bigger and BIGGER until WE ARE ONE!
[maniacal laughing]
Andrew: [Andrew wails] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Andrew: I've missed you, too!
Nick: Aw, give me a hug.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Nooooooooo!
Andrew's: [crying out loud when he fades away] Oh No! I'm losing my grip. Oh my god! Motherfuckeeeeeeerrrrrrs!

Andrew: Yeah, hitchhiking! The safest way for a young boy to travel alone.

Andrew: I'm mature for my age. My mom says I have the soul of an old grocer.

Andrew: It's time for me to reveal my twisted plan. We're going to use our powers to move Nick's ball...
Lars: Uh-huh.
Andrew: ...so he will never get his precious hole in one. Missy, seeing that he is not good at the game, will never let him get to third base, which is my biggest fear.
[laughs evilly]
Andrew: It's perfect.
Lars: That's a weak plan. I'm gonna make him swallow a hundred golf tees and watch him hemorrhage from the inside out.
Andrew: Oh. So like a... like a murder.

Nick: Whoa, this is crazy. I'm actually controlling Marty's body.
Andrew: [he looks at him controlling Marty's body] Dad, are you okay? You sound exactly like Nick.
Andrew: That's because I am Nick.
Andrew: Nick, are you in there? What the hell's going on?
Nick: My evil future self has taken over my body.
Andrew: Oh, God! That can happen?
Nick: So, I possessed your dad through his butthole, and I...
Andrew: [he starts freaking out] What the hell are you talking about?
Nick: Oh, God, I was trying to calm you down, and now I realize I'm freaking you out more!
Andrew: Yeah, a bit!
Nick: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm the worst, and I'm gonna be like this forever!
Andrew: [He slaps him in the face] SHUT THE FUCK UP! You're making me more nervous.
Andrew: [but then calms down] Just let me breathe.
Nick: What do you mean?
Andrew: Fucking listen! Inhale for four.
[takes a deep breath and they both inhale]
Nick: In for four.
[and then they both exhale]
Andrew: There, that's better.
Nick: Okay, I'm still a little wobbly, but it might just be the sheer weight of your dad's balls. It feels like I have two paint cans hanging from my taint.
Andrew: Hey, wait... Nick, while you're in there, would you tell me that you're proud of me?
Nick: Oh, this is kinda sad.
Andrew: Come on, I...
Nick: Uh, sure, Andrew, I'm proud of you.
Andrew: No, damn it, say it like my dad.
Nick: Oh, okay, uh...
Nick: [then acts up like Marty] Andrew, you useless sack of nothing. I'm proud of you!
Andrew: Oh, thanks, Dad. I'm gonna hit you again.
[then slaps him once again]
Nick: Whoa!
Andrew: Nick!
Nick: You... You can see me?
Marty: Andrew, did you just slap me in the face?
Andrew: I did, twice, and I'm sorry.
Marty: Don't you dare apologize! For the first time ever, I'm proud of ya, son!
Andrew: Oh, maybe one day I'll kill you.
[and then chuckles]

Andrew: It's always the guy that steals yogurt that has the perfect cock.

Andrew: What the hell? Why does everyone keep ditching me?
Matthew: 'Cause you smell like an Israeli disco.

Shannon: Nick?
Andrew: Oh, my God...
Shannon: Andrew...
Andrew: Just to be clear, we didn't see you kissing a lady who's not your husband.
Shannon: This is obviously very awkward.
Nick: Is it?
Shannon: It is. Look, I'm in the midst of something...
Nick: Great!
Shannon: I met this person, who happens to be a woman...
Andrew: No judgement.
Shannon: ...And I've really connected with her. And, truthfully, Greg and I...
Nick: Your husband.
Shannon: ...Haven't been happy in a really long time. And, you know, he's checked out, and I'm trying to check in, and... .
Nick: Does Jessi know?
Shannon: No. And... I don't want her to know yet.
Andrew: I see.
Shannon: But I also know I can't ask you to lie, so you need to do what you think is right.
Andrew: [Andrew vomits several times onto the ground]
Shannon: Oh, honey, your poor tummy...
[Hands Andrew a handkerchief]
Andrew: I'm done. Wait...
[Throws up again]
Nick: He speaks for both of us.
Shannon: Wait a sec, why aren't you two in school?
Nick: Why are you kissing a lady?
Andrew: Yeah!
Shannon: Maybe I should just walk away.
Nick: Maybe we will, too.
Andrew: Let's just be normal when we see you Seder second night.
[Andrew and Nick walk away from Shannon]

Andrew: Nick, can you hear me? Nick?
[sunlight gleamed on him]
Andrew: [saw him alive] Nick Birch?
Nick: [in the attic awaking] I-It's me. I think I'm okay.
Jessi: Oh, thank God!
Missy: All right!
Andrew: Uh-pa-pa, that's exactly what Nick Starr would say.
Nick: Andrew, shut the fuck up and untie me.
Andrew: And that's exactly what the real Nick would say. Gimme those ropes.

Andrew: I wish my Dad could stop being such an asshole.
Nick: I wish that I had my parents back.
Missy: I wish I was irresistible .
Jessi: I wish my Dad loved me the way he loves that stupid baby.
Jay: I wish I wasn't me.

Nick: Okay, good time.
Andrew: [shouting to him] YOU SUCK!
Maury the Hormone Monster: Easy Andrew, Nick's already bombing your fucking a dead horse. Sure, it feels great, but it's not right.
Andrew's: No, that guy's an asshole. He fucked your wife, Missy!
Andrew: Well, sort of. Yeah, that's the essence of what occurred.

Nick: Why are you all so mean? And why is Berman still here if his brother's dead? He should be home with his family!
[the campers were gasping]
Berman: My mom said Eli would've wanted me to finish out the summer.
Seth: [crowd booing to Nick] Now he's crying.
Andrew: Get off the stage, Soup!
Connie: RUN, sugar! RUN INTO THE WOODS!
Jessi: [when Nick runs away crying] Oh, Nick.

Andrew: I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hormone: Not yet, that's why we gotta get to the bathroom, Sweetheart!

Andrew: [waking up suddenly] Oh, I just had the worst dream!
Maury the Hormone Monster: Tell me about it. I just had a wet nightmare about Mickey Rourke in a long paisley scarf.
Andrew: Again?

Andrew: And it tastes like the baby changing station down at the chevron.
Nick: That sounds horrible.
Andrew: It is. It's ALL horrible.

Andrew: I was attacked by a possum! Underneath a house!

Nick: Andrew?
Andrew: Why, Nick? Why did you kiss, Missy?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Maybe it's because your SELFISH.
Nick: No, I'm... I'm just a fierce advocate from my own happiness.
Andrew: And why did you make fun of my DOPE hats?
Nick: I stand my ground on that one.
Andrew: FUCK YOU, THE HATS RULE! Your the condescending prick. And will never be friends AGAIN.
Nick: [screams] NOOOOOO!

Andrew: It's time for Andrew Glouberman to shit on a Greyhound Bus!

Nick: What are you doing here?
Andrew: Much like Johnny Depp in the shower, I am here against my will.

Andrew: I can't be horny and still be a decent guy?
Hormone: Look, as his holiness the Dalai Lama once told me, you have enough blood to fill your heart or your schvontz. Not both.

Andrew: Hey guys, look at this! Michael Angelo put me in his dope-ass art. I'm an indictment of society.

Mr. Keating: [touching Andrew's chest] You know you have an irregular heartbeat, right?
Andrew: Yeah, my doctor says I have grandpa heart.

Nick: Hey, Gals.
Misha: Hey.
Izzy: Hey, sup, sup.
Nick: Obviously, this your first time in the Caf, Right?
Izzy: Yeah, like first or second I would say.
Andrew: Well, the trash cans are by the door.
Izzy: Oh.

Nick: Since we're talking raisins, you're probably going to read a raisin in the sun this year I could possibly give you my nose.
Misha: Um that's awesome. Um... And I could read them.
Andrew: I could give you my notes but I've drawn some very upsetting things in the margins.
Nick: Andrew.
Andrew: Imagine two things that could never had sex with each other in real life.
Izzy: My mom and dad.
Andrew: It's a Tiger and a desk.
Misha,46821: Oh my god!

Nick: [Walks up to Andrew, who is playing basketball in his driveway] Hey, uh, Andrew, I wanted to come by and just say I'm sorry. I think I thought I was like a Big Dick Boy, but I think I was just a big dick.
Andrew: Thanks, Nick. I'm sorry, too.
Nick: Cool. Uh, okay, we are done with that fight. I'm very excited for camp.
Andrew: Oh, um, I'm not going to camp.
Nick: What do you mean you're not going to camp?
Andrew: Nick, I bear you no ill will, but I think... I think you're a piece of shit.
Nick: Oh.
Andrew: You're not a good person, at all, and I don't want to be friends with you.
Nick: Uh, okay...
Connie the Hormone Monstress: Maury, is the boy serious?
Maury the Hormone Monster: 'Fraid so, Connie. He practiced that speech in the mirror, like, all morning.
Andrew: Okay, that's all I had prepared.
Maury the Hormone Monster: Fucking nailed it, in my opinion.
Nick: Okay. I guess I'll... see you in eighth grade, then.
Andrew: Yeah, I guess.
[Shoots and makes a basket for the first time]
Nick: [Cheerfully] Hey, look at that, you made one in.
[Andrew ignores him and walks away]

Andrew: Hey, Soup, you wanna be funny? Show us your tiny prick!
[campers laughing out loud when Nick was shocked]
Jessi: Jesus, Andrew. What is your problem?
Andrew: [strictly] Read the tea leaves, honey. That bowl of soup fucked my wife!
Jessi: [walks away] I think I'm gonna switch seats.
Connie: Let your GUARD down, Nicky. Be Vulnerable! People like that.
Nick: [to the audience] Hey guys, maybe comedy's not what your looking for tonight. Maybe I'll try something a little bit different.
Nick: [singing and playing guitar] Hey, Mr. Man. What about me? Am I a bowl of soup or a human being? Cause when I look in the mirror, I'll tell you what I see.
Andrew: [interrupting] He's sees soup! Cause he's a big fat bowl of fucking soup, the idiot!
Seth: [when people were bullying Nick] That's a good joke!
Boy: Stinky-ass bitch!