The Best Maury the Hormone Monster Quotes

Maury the Hormone Monster: Ooo, ooo, ooo! Tell him to send a dick pic. Girls love that. Especially when it comes out of nowhere, with like zero context.

Maury the Hormone Monster: Why can't you just sh*t in the bunk?
Andrew: Everyone's hooking up in there, and you know I get caca-shy!
Andrew's: I'm not going anywhere, you fucking bird brain!
Maury the Hormone Monster: Strain, Andrew. Push all the blood to your face!
Andrew's: If you motherfuckers try and shit me, I'LL PULL OUT YOUR F***ING SPINAL CORD!
Andrew: Oh, God, Maury.
[strains very hard but doesn't how to do it]
Andrew: I'm scared. Maybe I can just hold it in forever
Maury the Hormone Monster: You can't, Andrew! You'll go mad! I think it's time for me to pop your dookie bubble. Shout-out to Bobby and Whitney.
Andrew: [his stomach was growling] Oh, fuck! Okay, I'll try anything. Just hurry up.
Maury the Hormone Monster: All right, Andrew, I think I--
[grunts and Andrew's poop cuts his throat]
Andrew: [Maury picks up the knife in blood] Maury! How did he get a knife?
Andrew's: I'm a pile of shit with nothing to lose!
[when Maury's throat was cut]
Andrew: Oh, no, Maury. Stay with me. No! Shh, just hold it in. No, just don't let the blood out--
[when Andrew hears the poop cackling and his body was decayed]
Andrew: [sobbing in fright] Why are you doing this to me?
Andrew's: You made me! I am the ugly hate inside of you, and I'll keep getting bigger and BIGGER until WE ARE ONE!
[maniacal laughing]
Andrew: [Andrew wails] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Nick: Okay, good time.
Andrew: [shouting to him] YOU SUCK!
Maury the Hormone Monster: Easy Andrew, Nick's already bombing your fucking a dead horse. Sure, it feels great, but it's not right.
Andrew's: No, that guy's an asshole. He fucked your wife, Missy!
Andrew: Well, sort of. Yeah, that's the essence of what occurred.

Matthew: [after a texting fail with a cute boy] What do I do? What do I do?
Maury the Hormone Monster: Kill yourself!
Matthew: Ooh, you're always pitching that!

Connie the Hormone Monstress: I think it's best for everyone if the boys keep their distance this summer.
Maury the Hormone Monster: Oh, I couldn't agree more.
Connie the Hormone Monstress: But... you can still bust open my biscuit once in a while.
Maury the Hormone Monster: I love a country breakfast.

Andrew: [waking up suddenly] Oh, I just had the worst dream!
Maury the Hormone Monster: Tell me about it. I just had a wet nightmare about Mickey Rourke in a long paisley scarf.
Andrew: Again?

Maury the Hormone Monster: What have you got against tomato juice? It's delicious. It tastes like a vegetable's period.

Maury the Hormone Monster: Anything goes in Florida.

Nick: [Walks up to Andrew, who is playing basketball in his driveway] Hey, uh, Andrew, I wanted to come by and just say I'm sorry. I think I thought I was like a Big Dick Boy, but I think I was just a big dick.
Andrew: Thanks, Nick. I'm sorry, too.
Nick: Cool. Uh, okay, we are done with that fight. I'm very excited for camp.
Andrew: Oh, um, I'm not going to camp.
Nick: What do you mean you're not going to camp?
Andrew: Nick, I bear you no ill will, but I think... I think you're a piece of shit.
Nick: Oh.
Andrew: You're not a good person, at all, and I don't want to be friends with you.
Nick: Uh, okay...
Connie the Hormone Monstress: Maury, is the boy serious?
Maury the Hormone Monster: 'Fraid so, Connie. He practiced that speech in the mirror, like, all morning.
Andrew: Okay, that's all I had prepared.
Maury the Hormone Monster: Fucking nailed it, in my opinion.
Nick: Okay. I guess I'll... see you in eighth grade, then.
Andrew: Yeah, I guess.
[Shoots and makes a basket for the first time]
Nick: [Cheerfully] Hey, look at that, you made one in.
[Andrew ignores him and walks away]

Depression: [she enters upstairs] But I'M not going anywhere, Jessi.
Jessi: [she was shrunked by Jessi] Oh, my God. Look at you, you're so cute!
Depression: [whimpers] Oh, shit!
Jessi: What happened?
Depression: I don't know.
[meows]
Connie the Hormone Monstress: Whoa! Honey, you shrunk the cat!
Jessi: Wow, I guess helping Nick made me feel less depressed.
Gratitoad: Ladies, and don't take this weird, but I'm always grateful for a little pussy.
Maury the Hormone Monster: Hey, man, peace and love, but I'm kinda the guy who gets to make those jokes around here.

Maury the Hormone Monster: Ah, yes, the sternum. The jail of the heart, but the foundation for them boobies.

Maury the Hormone Monster: I made a fire and I need you to stick a tree up my ass.

Maury the Hormone Monster: [to Andrew] Jacking off is supposed to be fun, like a motorcycle blowing up in front of a bikini woman.