The Best Jessi Glaser Quotes

Nick: Why are you all so mean? And why is Berman still here if his brother's dead? He should be home with his family!
[the campers were gasping]
Berman: My mom said Eli would've wanted me to finish out the summer.
Seth: [crowd booing to Nick] Now he's crying.
Andrew: Get off the stage, Soup!
Connie: RUN, sugar! RUN INTO THE WOODS!
Jessi: [when Nick runs away crying] Oh, Nick.

Jessi: Why do you smell so good?
Connie the Hormone Monstress: Because I don't use deodorant and I only take bubble baths.

Depression: Hello Jessi. It's been too long.
Jessi: Oh shit.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [excited] Kitty Beaumont Bouchet, Is that you?
Depression: Tito Taylor Thomas as I live and breathe.
[both laughing]
Jessi: You guys know each other?
Depression: Oh we've been working together for ages.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [taking a disguise] Remember, Van Gogh? I see crazy.
Depression: Oh my god,I still have the earlobe in my locket!
Jessi: Can you two please stop? I'm trying to study!

Missy: That's late for me. Once Lester Holt is done with the news, I'm done with my day.
Jessi: You watch network news?
Missy: Uh, once the Internet gets it right for 50 years, I'll turn to them.

Connie: Hey, as soon as he showed up, no more Depression Kitty, no more Anxiety Mosquito, no more Self-Harm Walrus.
Jessi: Who's that?
Connie: Oh, nobody. Don't worry about it... But DO let me know if you see him.

[first lines]
[fades in recap of the ninth episode]
Andrew: I wish my dad could stop being such an asshole.
Nick: I wish I had my parents back.
Jessi: I wish... my dad would love me the way he loves that STUPID BABY.
Missy: [points at Nathan Fillion] I wish I was irresistible.
Jay: I wish I wasn't ME.
[he looks at the moon when a shooting star shoots in twinkling from the sky]

Andrew: Hey, Soup, you wanna be funny? Show us your tiny prick!
[campers laughing out loud when Nick was shocked]
Jessi: Jesus, Andrew. What is your problem?
Andrew: [strictly] Read the tea leaves, honey. That bowl of soup fucked my wife!
Jessi: [walks away] I think I'm gonna switch seats.
Connie: Let your GUARD down, Nicky. Be Vulnerable! People like that.
Nick: [to the audience] Hey guys, maybe comedy's not what your looking for tonight. Maybe I'll try something a little bit different.
Nick: [singing and playing guitar] Hey, Mr. Man. What about me? Am I a bowl of soup or a human being? Cause when I look in the mirror, I'll tell you what I see.
Andrew: [interrupting] He's sees soup! Cause he's a big fat bowl of fucking soup, the idiot!
Seth: [when people were bullying Nick] That's a good joke!
Boy: Stinky-ass bitch!

Depression: [she enters upstairs] But I'M not going anywhere, Jessi.
Jessi: [she was shrunked by Jessi] Oh, my God. Look at you, you're so cute!
Depression: [whimpers] Oh, shit!
Jessi: What happened?
Depression: I don't know.
[meows]
Connie the Hormone Monstress: Whoa! Honey, you shrunk the cat!
Jessi: Wow, I guess helping Nick made me feel less depressed.
Gratitoad: Ladies, and don't take this weird, but I'm always grateful for a little pussy.
Maury the Hormone Monster: Hey, man, peace and love, but I'm kinda the guy who gets to make those jokes around here.

Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [after when she got humongous] Whew, I'm exhausted.
Nick: [he saw her so small] Hey, you're not so scary when you're small.
Jessi: Yeah, a mosquito is actually pretty manageable.
Gratitoad: And they taste delicious.
[he uses his tongue to swallow Tito]
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [she was swallowed] Yaah!
Gratitoad: Mm-mmm! When those bugs come back, and they will, you call your old friend the Gratitoad.

Jessi: I keep reading the same paragraph and makes less and less sense.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Can I point something out?
Jessi: Please.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Everything's kinda crumbling around you.
Jessi: Uh-huh.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And your lying to everyone and so you're gonna have to remember all those lines.
Jessi: [gloomy] Yeah.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And that doesn't feel good, right.
Jessi: [heard a knock] Go away, mom! I'm studying!

Andrew: I wish my Dad could stop being such an asshole.
Nick: I wish that I had my parents back.
Missy: I wish I was irresistible .
Jessi: I wish my Dad loved me the way he loves that stupid baby.
Jay: I wish I wasn't me.

Nick: Hey, Jessi, where's Missy?
Jessi: After that whole scene yesterday, she didn't come to school.
Nick: See what you did, Andrew?
Andrew: [Flips Nick off] Fuck you. Sit on this. Fuck your family.

Andrew: Nick, can you hear me? Nick?
[sunlight gleamed on him]
Andrew: [saw him alive] Nick Birch?
Nick: [in the attic awaking] I-It's me. I think I'm okay.
Jessi: Oh, thank God!
Missy: All right!
Andrew: Uh-pa-pa, that's exactly what Nick Starr would say.
Nick: Andrew, shut the fuck up and untie me.
Andrew: And that's exactly what the real Nick would say. Gimme those ropes.