Top 30 Quotes From Mary Campbell

Dr. Saxon: We can keep him on a dialysis machine for a while, but eventually we'll have to have a donor with his exact blood and tissue type.
Jodie: Doc, what you mean is the donor has to be a blood relative.
Dr. Saxon: Yes.
Mary: That's me, I'll do it.
Jodie: No, Ma, I'll give him one of mine.
Mary: No, Jodie. I'll do it. You can start the procedures anytime.
Dr. Saxon: Actually, Mary, Jodie's kidneys would really be...
Mary: Danny is my son. I'll do it.
Jodie: I'm his brother.
Burt: Mare, I know we all want to contribute here, but...
Mary: Why is everyone ganging up on me?
Burt: Mare, please... nobody's ganging up.
Mary: I'll do it and that's that!
Dr. Saxon: Mary, let me say something to you. I've been your doctor for a long time. Your kidneys are fine and they'll last you all your life, but you need both of them. And even if you could conceivably function with only one, it wouldn't be strong enough to support Danny. Medically, you're an unsuitable donor. I'm sorry. Jodie, if you're agreeable, we'll start running some tests now.
Mary: Excuse me. Would you all please leave me alone with Jodie for a moment?
[everyone but Mary and Jodie leave]
Jodie: OK, Ma. What is it?
Mary: You can't give Danny your kidney.
Jodie: I'm his brother.
Mary: No, you're not.
Jodie: What?
Mary: Jodie, you and Danny are not brothers.
Jodie: But we have the same mother.
Mary: Oh, yes. Yes.
Jodie: But we don't have the same father?
[Mary looks at Jodie gravely]

Jodie: [Running into the mental hospital] Ma, I got your message! What happened?
Mary: Burt is missing. They checked all the rooms at bedtime and he wasn't there.
Chuck: [Bob] He never was, if you know what I mean.

Mary: Jessie, Randolph wasn't cursed, he was nuts. Any man who would go to Ecuador to sell wall-to-wall carpet is not right in the head.

Peter: Dad!
Burt: Peter!
Corinne: Peter?
Jessica: Peter?
Peter: Corrine?
Jessica: Corrine?
Peter: Jessica?
Corinne: Mother?
Burt: Corinne. Jessica.
Mary: Oh, my God!
Chester: Jessica?
Jessica: Peter!
Corinne: Mother?
Jodie: Peter!

[in a sex therapist's office]
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Mary: Burt can't have sex with me.
Burt: Great. Why don't you tell the whole world, Mary. Or better yet put it in the Yellow Pages under Burt.

Mary: [walking in on Jodie in a wig and a dress] Jodie! How many times do I have to tell you to leave my things alone?
Jodie: Mother...
Mary: Look at that! My wig, my necklace, my best dress! Oh, you wear that belted? I never thought of wearing it belted. That looks much better that way!

Mary: [at the sex therapist's office] This is a perfectly normal office.
Burt: Normal, huh? Take a look at some of these books: "Sexual Perversion: Fact or Fiction" Normal? "Sexuality in Infancy" Oh, I like that one a lot. "The Frigid Woman", "The Impotent Male" - I have to get out of here.

Burt: Invisible? C'mon, Mary! It's ridiculous. Invisible. Whoever heard of anyone being invisible? Unless of course you have the ring of power.
Mary: The ring of power? Burt, do you have it?
Burt: What?
Mary: This ring of power.
Burt: Hey, don't be silly.
Mary: Well, that's a relief, because for a minute there I thought you were gonna tell me that you had this ring thing that made you invisible.
[bursts into relieved laughter]
Burt: I can be invisible without it.

Mary: Ingrid didn't speak English so she didn't know that Randolph was peculiar.
Heinrich: I said no details! Peculiar is a detail! You are all peculiar!

Jodie: Mom, last night he told me that sometimes he thinks he's invisible.
Mary: He was joking with you. Invisible!
Jodie: He was serious, Mom! He told me that sometimes he can walk through a room and nobody sees him. He says it helps him greatly with his detective work!

Mary: The Devil isn't here because of you. He's here in spite of you.

Burt: We're going to kill Elaine with kindness.
Mary: Kill her with kindness?
Burt: Right. See Danny's not going to let her dress, eat, or sleep, because nothing's ever good enough for her, and since it;s out of love, she can't get mad at him.
Mary: If it doesn't work, can I just kill her?
Burt: Sure.

Mary: It's pornography.
Jessica: Not only that, Mary, but nobody has any clothes on!

Jessica: Hospitals depress everyone. I mean, they make them that way on purpose, you see, so sick people will get well in a hurry and go home.
Mary: It's not just that. It's my whole life! I have one son who's about to become my daughter. I have another son who someone's trying to kill. I have a lunatic stepson and his dummy living in my house, and a husband who doesn't want to make love to me. That's not life, that's something by Tennessee Williams!

Mary: I want to go to school, Burt.
Burt: Mary, it's 5:30 in the morning - school's closed.
Mary: I'm serious. I want to go to college. I want to study English.
Burt: Why? I think you speak it very well.

[Mary has just woken up after giving birth to what she is afraid might be a half-alien baby]
Mary: Did I?
Jodie: You did.
Chuck: Congratulations
Mary: What color is it?
Bob: Well, is there something you'd like to tell us?
Jodie: We're not sure yet.
Bob: That's not usually the first question.
Chuck: Bob...
Bob: That's not usually the *twelfth* question!

Dr. Medlow: I've never seen that before - invisible.
Mary: What can be done?
Dr. Medlow: Well, in the movie Claude Rains covered himself with a bandage from heat to foot and wore sunglasses.

Mary: Jodie is going to be a father.
Jessica: Dennis is pregnant?

[Chester is meeting Mary at a restaurant]
Chester: I got here as quickly as I could. Is something wrong? How's Danny?
Mary: He needs a kidney.
Chester: Kidney? You're kidding.
Mary: Chester, would I kid about a kidney? They won't take one of mine.
Chester: Why?
Mary: They're not good enough.
Chester: Ohh... how about Jodie?
Mary: No.
Chester: You could run an ad.
Mary: He needs the kidney of a blood relative.
Chester: Well, if you're out and Jodie's out, what are you going to do?
Mary: He needs your kidney, Chester.
Chester: [chuckles] Well, Mary, I'd be delighted to. I'd give him one is a shot, but I'm hardly a blood relative.
Mary: Yes, you are.
Chester: No, Mary. I'm his uncle.
Mary: No, you're not. You're his father.
[Chester is shocked]
Mary: Yeah, Chester. Before you married Jessica, remember?
Chester: Are you kidding?
Mary: No.
Chester: Mary... that was one time.
Mary: No, Chester, it was two weeks. Every night.
Chester: Two weeks, every night?
[smiles]
Chester: Boy, those were the days. I wish I could do half that now, even a quarter.

Mary: What's been going on with you three?
Jessica: Well, Eunice is depressed and Corinne is depressed and I was just debating whether or not to join them.
Mary: Sounds like fun.
Jessica: Actually, I think I've been depressed quite a lot lately. I mean, I eat a lot and I just simply cannot sit still.
Corinne: I don't think you're depressed, ma. I think you're horny.

[Burt has just received the election recount results]
Burt: Prentiss got caught stuffing the ballot boxes, so I won, I am the sheriff.
[everyone congratulates Burt]
Danny: How 'bout that? Sheriff. And I get to be deputy, right Burt? Me, deputy, me. Please?
Bob: I'm gonna be the deputy.
Danny: You are not.
Bob: Am too.
[Danny and Bob argue before Mary breaks it up]
Mary: Burt, what's the matter?
Burt: Well, it's Prentiss, he won't give up the office. Yeah, he's holed up in the armory with enough weapons to quality as a third world nation. He says he will not be taken alive and my first assignment is to take him.
Danny: Let's go get him.
Burt: Danny, this Prentiss, he won gold medals for marksmanship and he is now in a fortified stone building.
Bob: On second thought, I don't want to be deputy.

Announcer: This is the story of two sisters. Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap.
Jessica: [after Burt and Chester start a physical altercation] Hey! Stop!
[soon the whole family tries to stop Burt and Chester from fighting]

Mary: [looking in the family photo album] Who's that?
Jessica: Well, I don't know who it is, Mary, but I saw "The Exorcist" and that face is worse.
Benson: Oh, that's Mr. Tate.

Heinrich: I am Heinrich Himmel, a private investigator hired by Corinne Tate's mother. May I come in?
Mary: Yes.
Heinrich: I think you should know there is a broken bathtub on your lawn and it looks disgusting.

Mary: I have one son who's about to become my daughter, another son whom people are trying to kill, I have a lunatic stepson and a dummy living in my home and a husband who won't make love to me. That's not life, that's something by Tennessee Williams!

[the doctor has come with Danny's test results]
Dr. Saxon: The bullets passed through both kidneys.
Mary: Oh, my God!
Dr. Saxon: We can't save either one. Now, we'll put him on a life-support machine for now, but...
Mary: He needs another kidney. Is that what you're trying to say?
Gwen: Mine. Take mine. Take both of mine, I don't need 'em! He already has my heart, my soul; he can have my kidneys, my lungs, whatever you need, just take it!
Burt: Doc, I've got great kidneys. I want Danny to have my kidney.
Dr. Saxon: Burt, it can't be just anyone's kidney.
Burt: It's not just *anyone's* kidney, it *my* kidney. And it's a great kidney, I take good care of it.
Chuck: I'd give him a kidney, but I've only got one.
Bob: [drunkenly] OK, all right. I'll give him the kidney.
Burt: Bob, will you please? You can't give anyone an organ. What are you talking about?
Chuck: Especially a kidney.
Bob: I know... All right, I admit it! I'm an alcoholic!

Mary: [about Elaine] . Danny, she's awful! She's selfish and sarcastic, *pushy* tactless, and cruel, obnoxious.
Danny: *And* her father will kill me if I *don't* marry her.
Mary: People can change.

Mary: [seeing Chester kissing Claire] Jessie, don't look.
Jessica: Oh, my God. Mary, it's true... all of it's true. Everything everybody's been saying all these years is true. Oh, Mary! I would faint if I knew how.

Mary: Corinne didn't do it. You know Corinne. How could you possibly think she did that?
Burt: Mary, you never know what evil lurks in the hearts of men - or women. You don't think Lizzie Borden's mother wasn't surprised when she saw that axe comin'?

[Corinne is worried about her possessed baby]
Corinne: He's here because of me.
Jessica: Don't be silly, Corinne, the devil doesn't even know you.
Corinne: It's all my fault. He's here because of me, because I slept with everyone in town.
Mary: Oh Corinne, please. First of all, you did not sleep with everyone in town.
Corinne: Yes, I did.
Jessica: Oh, please. Did you sleep with the mayor?
Mary: Yeah.
Jessica,62243: You slept with the mayor?
Jessica: [disgusted] Oh my goodness, the mayor. I voted for him.
Mary: I told you not to vote for him. I told you to vote for Swanson.
Corinne: I slept with him, too.
Mary: You did?
Corinne: Believe me, the best man won.