The Best Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Quotes

Burt: I want you two to bring a date. That's two dates.
Dave: You want us to bring dates to a wedding?
Mike: Excuse me?
Dave: Are you allowed to do that?

Dave: Maybe Dad'll just forget about his ultimatum.
Mike: Why would Dad forget about an old tomato?
Dave: No, his ul... his ultimatum.
Mike: Old tom...?
Dave: Ultimatum.
Mike: Are you saying "old tomato"?
Dave: Ultima-*tum*, like a tomb or a crypt.

Mike: You look like burn victim Barbie.

Tatiana: One time I got high, I read the back of the shampoo bottle for thirteen hours.
Jeanie: Because it said repeat.
Tatiana: Rinse and repeat.
Jeanie: I get it.

Mike: Somebody over cooked the soft pretzel. My dick is hard, that's what I'm saying. Give me five minutes.

Tatiana: Suck my clit, fuckers!

Mike: What's next? I'm gonna walk in on Mom giving Dad a... a push-pop?
Dave: What's a push-pop?
Mike: I made it up, Dave. It's a sexual term that I just made up.
Dave: What's a push-pop?
Mike: I don't know.
Dave: What's a push-pop!
Mike: I don't know!
Dave: WHAT'S A PUSH-POP?
Mike: I've been to the bowels of the internet and I've never seen a push-pop.
Dave: God, just tell me, what's a push-pop?
Mike: It's a whole hand up an ass, David. Is that what you want me to say?
Dave: Oh... Oh, God!
Mike: Two hands! Two hands pushing the pop! Pushing the pop! Is that what you want me to say? I'll send you some links.

Tatiana: [about Mike] He looks like a fun-house mirror version of a better looking guy. But he really is that guy.

Eric: One time I saw a movie, then walked across the hall and saw another movie. And I didn't even pay until afterwards.

Tatiana: The key to teaching children is repetition. You'd be surprised how stupid they are.

Burt: [about bringing dates to the wedding] We don't want you showing up stag and riling each other up.
Mike: We don't rile each other up!
Burt: We *never* get riled up!
Mike: I don't get riled!
Dave: He doesn't, and I don't either!