The Best Agent Augustus Gibbons Quotes

Xander: Look who it is. Frankenstein. Uncuff me so I can beat the shit out of you.
Gibbons: Relax, X, you just graduated at the head of your class.

Gibbons: Do we want to drop another mouse in the snake pit or do we want to send our own snake and let him crawl in?

Xander: What is this place?
Gibbons: Looks like a diner.
Xander: That's clever. You know, you almost had me going there for a while. I was a bit groggy before, then I started noticing things. Like, you got a stockbroker over here, all dressed up reading the Financial Times on a Sunday morning when the market's closed. Unlikely, but okay, I can go with that. I can even go with the stick-up man packing a cop-issue Beretta. But you want to know where you blew it?
[points at waitress]
Xander: With her. My aunt was in the restaurant business all her life. There's no way in hell a career waitress comes to work in high heels. She'd have blisters the size of pancakes before lunch. And if she ain't real, then this whole thing ain't real. That's how I knew this bozo over here wouldn't get a shot off even if we waited till St. Patrick's Day.
[fires shotgun at wall]
Xander: Because there's nothing but blanks in these guns. Oh, and no offense, but their performances were terrible.

Gibbons: You ever watch lions at the zoo? You can always tell which ones were captured in the wild by the look in their eyes. The wild cat. She remembers running across the plain, the thrill of the hunt. Four hundred pounds of killing fury, locked in a box. But after a while, their eyes start to glaze over, and you can tell their soul has died. The same thing happens to a man. Leavenworth Federal Penetentiary is no joke. They'll take a wild man like you and throw him in solitary just for the fun of it. No more mountains to board, no more oceans to surf. Just a 6-by-8 cell with no window and only a bucket to shit in. You can avoid all of that by doing me this small favor.
Xander: You don't have shit on me.
Gibbons: I noticed you have three X's tattooed on the back of your neck. I think that's rather appropriate, since you're looking at three strikes. Grand theft auto, reckless endangerment, and that little bridge stunt of yours makes you a three-time loser. Maybe you ought to call yourself "Triple X." But if you do what I want, I'll make all your little recent criminal transgressions go away and let you get back to that pathetic excuse of a life.

Gibbons: I gave you an order!
Xander: And I followed that order. You said, 'Go home, Triple X.' That means stay, doesn't it?

Gibbons: I want you to meet some people and find out whatever you can about them.
Xander: What kind of people?
Gibbons: Dirty. Dangerous. Tattooed. Uncivilized. Your kind of people.

Gibbons: Why is it always the assholes who pass the test?