Top 30 Quotes From Aladeen

General: Hey let's go, I don't want to miss the finale of the Real Housewives Of Jahalavakalinda!

Zoey: [after finding out Allison Burgers is General Aladeen] Oh my god! You lied to me... and you're wanted for war crimes!
General: Please. That stuff never sticks.

[from trailer]
General: Is there any way you could lend me some money? Maybe... 20 million dollars?

General: [escaping from a CIA torture facility without clothes] Hey average American shopper! If you give me your clothes I will make a sizable donation in your name to Al Qaeda!

General: [to his pregnant wife] Are you having a boy or an abortion?

[Aladeen and Nadal are at Gotham Helicopter Tours, preparing to board the helicopter]
Nadal: Here's the plan: We're going to take this helicopter tour and fly over the Lancaster to spot its weaknesses. Remember, we're just two ordinary American tourists looking at the sights.
General: [Wearing an American flag jogging suit and a sheriff's badge] Don't worry, nobody gonna suspect anything. It's a great plan, pointy.
Nadal: Don't do anything to arouse any suspicions.
General: Don't worry, I am Wadiya's number one actor. You don't win four Wadiyan Golden Globes for nothing.
Nadal: Yes you do, because you gave them to yourself!
General: My performance in 'Aladeen Jones and the Temple of Doom' was outstanding.
Nadal: I gave it thumbs down.
General: Have you seen 'You've Got Mail Bomb'?
Nadal: Yes, I've seen them all! They're all terrible movies! Listen to me, okay? You are a terrible actor. I urge you, right now, keep your performance small and real.
General: All right. Can you get me a cloak?
Nadal: Why?
General: Because I think my guy would be wearing a cloak.
Nadal: No. Your guy wears an American flag sweatsuit and a sheriff's badge.
General: I need the sheriff's badge.
Nadal: For what? You're the sheriff of American douche-town!
General: That's rude.
Nadal: Listen: We're going to walk over there, act very inconspicuous.
General: Okay, no problem.
Nadal: This has to work.
General: Don't worry, just relax.

General: I've discovered this amazing thing. I have to show you how to do it. It's called self juicing, You put your hand on your bilbul and you rub it, and then you can make your own labeneh come out. You don't have to spend any Rolexes. You don't have to give any dirty diamonds.
Nadal: I cannot believe I'm having this conversation with an adult man.
General: What do you mean? You knew about this?
Nadal: Everybody knows about this. We all know about this from the age of 12, 13.
General: Why does nobody ever tell me anything?
Nadal: Because you have everybody executed who tells you anything.

Nadal: I am a mac genius.
General: So what do you do?
Nadal: Mostly I clean semen out of laptops.

[Megan Fox only got a gold Rolex after having sex with Aladeen]
Megan: Katy Perry said she got a diamond Rolex.
General: Well, she let me aladeen in her face.

[Aladeen and Nadal are dispiting the shape of the nuclear missile]
General: Have you consulted Professor Bobeye about this?
Nadal: Professor who?
General: Bobeye. He is the one whose forearms are very large in proportion to his body.
Nadal: I believe his name is Popeye.
General: Bobeye.
Nadal: Popeye. And he is not a professor. He is, as the song says, a sailor man.

[Aboard the helicopter, Aladeen and Nadal are smiling at the American tourists in front of them, as Aladeen points at his sheriff's badge]
General: I love being an Americans! America is number one! Oh, I am from U.S.A.! My father also from U.S.A.! My great-grandfather fought in the American Civil Jihad. I am very proud to be an American. I am America's number one douche.
[Nadal sighs]
General: [Speaking in Wadiyan] I've fooled them. Job done.
Nadal: [Speaking in Wadiyan] So, how are things back at the Palace?
General: [Speaking in Wadiyan] Fine, but guess who's still living in my guest house?
Nadal: [Speaking in Wadiyan] Ooh, Bin Laden?
General: [Speaking in Wadiyan] Yes, Osama. Bin Laden flooding the bathroom every time he showers... And how hard is it to put a bath mat down, Bin Laden?
[Tourists look worried]
General: [Speaking in Wadiyan] Hey, do you remember my favorite sports car?
Nadal: [Speaking in Wadiyan] You mean your Porsche?
General: [Speaking in Wadiyan] Yes... the 911.
Nadal: 911, it's the best!
General: [Speaking in Wadiyan] So I was driving the 911 near the Palace one day...
[making hand gestures of driving the car]
General: and I totally crashed!
[Aladeen and Nadal laugh as the tourists get more nervous]
General: [Speaking in Wadiyan] It's okay, I've already ordered a new one. A brand new 911 2012.
[Tourists get even more nervous]
Nadal: [Speaking in Wadiyan] You know, while you are here, you should try to see some of the sights such as the Empire State Building and Yankee Stadium.
General: [Speaking in Wadiyan] And I'd love to see the fireworks over the Statue of Liberty.
[makes exploding sounds before giving Nadal a high-five and looking at the tourists]
Nadal: [Speaking in Wadiyan] Hey, have your old back problems been bothering you?
General: [Speaking in Wadiyan] Oh, it's been terrible! It got so bad that I made myself a back brace.
Nadal: [Speaking in Wadiyan] Really?
General: [Speaking in Wadiyan] Yes, look, I'm still wearing it.
[unzips his jacket to reveal a black vest with strings on it]
General: Hey, my English is getting good. I bet I can count down from five faster than you can!
General: Five, four, three, two, one!
[the tourists scream. Later, Aladeen and Nadal have their mug shots taken]

Zoey: The police here are such fascists!
General: Yeah right, and not in a good way.

Waiter: What is your name?
General: My name is Allison Burgers.
Waiter: That is a made up name. What is your real name?
General: My name is Ladiz.
Waiter: Ladiz what?
General: Ladiz Washroom.
Waiter: [notices sign that says "Ladies Wash Room"] Ladies Wash Room. Your name is like the sign. What is your real name?
General: My name is Emplyes.
Waiter: Emplyes what?
General: Emplyes Mustwashhands.
Waiter: [notices sign "Employees Must Wash Hands"] That is a made up name. Tell us your real name. We are interested. We are all interested.
General: My name is Max.
Waiter: Max?
General: Imumoccupancy120.
Waiter: [notices sign "Maximum Occupancy 120 Persons"] There is a number in your name. WHO ARE YOU? AN ALADEEN SYMPATHIZER?
[realizes]
Waiter: IT'S HIM! IT'S ALADEEN!

Zoey: [yelling at the police] Is it a crime to be proud of your job?
General: Actually in Wadiya it's a capital offense.

Nadal: If this constitution is signed, there will be free press, women drivers, civil rights!
Aladeen: What are "civil rights"?
Nadal: I'll tell you later. They're hilarious. Look, you alone can stop these terrible things from happening. You are the last great dictator! All of the others are gone! Qaddafi, Saddam, Kim Jong, Cheney.
Aladeen: You are right, Nadal. I will become the greatest dictator of all, the envy of madmen everywhere!
Nadal: Yes, Supreme Leader!
Aladeen: From the mountaintops of North Korea to the jungles of Zimbabwe, let every child laborer and sweatshop factory worker sing, "Oppressed at last! Oppressed at last! "Thank Aladeen, I am oppressed at last!"

General: [addressing his citizens] People of Wadiya! I come here before you to tell the world that they shall bow down before our mighty nation! We are two months away from enriching weapons grade uranium!
[audience applauds]
General: To be used for peaceful...
[holds laughter]
General: purposes! It will be used for medical research and clean energy, it will! And it will certainly never be used to attack Isr...
[laughs]
General: Oh boy!

Zoey: Thanks. I just... I don't know, I just feel so sorry that wherever you go in the world, you're the victim of police abuse.
Aladeen: Well, not always the victim.

General: Are you sure you don't want to stay for some cuddles?
Megan: No.
General: But, please. I really want someone to cuddle.

[Aladeen is censuring an employee for stealing]
Slade: Who the fuck are you? Osama Bin Laden's best friend?
General: No, he is NOT my best friend! Although he has been staying in my guest bedroom ever since they shot his double last year. Now the guy won't leave! I now know why this guy is the most hated man in the world. You just have to go to the bathroom after him. You go to the bathroom after Osama, you will realize the true meaning of terrorism.

General: $20 a day for the internet? What the fuck! And they accuse me of being an international criminal?

General: Give a man a vagina and he will shpichs for a day. Teach a man to use his hand as a vagina, and he will shpichs for a lifetime.

General: [Aladeen's body guard just shot himself] See? This is what happens when you set the safety switch to Aladeen instead of to Aladeen!
[shoots again]

General: I know there's nothing more annoying than a backseat torturer, but please, come on.
Clayton: This is great stuff.
General: It's not great stuff. That's like 1972, hello...
Clayton: You won't be talkin' smack so much with this up your butt.
General: That's the Anal Umbrella. It's a good device, I grant you, but where's the splash guard? You're going to kill me and your white shirt.

General: Why are you guys so anti-dictators? Imagine if America was a dictatorship. You could let 1% of the people have all the nation's wealth. You could help your rich friends get richer by cutting their taxes. And bailing them out when they gamble and lose. You could ignore the needs of the poor for health care and education. Your media would appear free, but would secretly be controlled by one person and his family. You could wiretap phones. You could torture foreign prisoners. You could have rigged elections. You could lie about why you go to war. You could fill your prisons with one particular racial group, and no one would complain. You could use the media to scare the people into supporting policies that are against their interests.

General: Sub Saharan, can you have 150 child warriors here by 5:00pm?

General: You seem educated.
Zoey: Yes, I went to Amherst.
General: I love it when women go to school. It's like seeing a monkey on rollerskates. It means nothing to them, but it's so adorable for us.

[Nadal notices Aladeen walking funny as they approach the helicopter]
Nadal: Are you okay?
General: My guy has a limp. I fell off me horse at the old Bull & Bush Pub because I'm a cockney.
Nadal: Listen, listen, okay? You need to focus up right now and be prepared to deliver a small, subtle performance.
General: Okay, great, okay.
Nadal: Okay, good.
General: [Pulling eyelids backwards] Okay, so when we go to fly...
Nadal: [Slaps Aladeen's hands off] Don't do that with your eyes! You can't be a Chinese person on this thing, okay?
General: I'm not Chink, I'm Chinese-American!
Nadal: No, but you cannot hold your eyes! Nobody is going to think you're Chinese-American because you hold your eyes like that! It's racist, what you're doing!
General: Do you know it's a fact that they cannot pronounce their R's? They pronounce them as L's. So instead you know what 'rabbit' is in Chinese?
Nadal: I don't know how to speak Chinese.
General: It's 'labbit'.
Nadal: It's not 'labbit'!
General: Yes! 'Who Shot Loger Labbit' was a huge hit in China!
Nadal: Nobody... It's stup... All right, I don't care! This is stupid, okay?
General: Okay, I'll do Filipino. I like to work, I like to talk.
[pulling eyelids backwards]
General: I like the shit, I do the kids.
Nadal: [Pulling Aladeen's hands off] Stop that! Your Filipino is the same as your Chinese!
General: Now who's being a lacist? You're being lacist now!
Nadal: I'm not being racist! Right now, we have to get on this helicopter and we have to act like true Americans.
General: I guess you don't want me to play black, then.
Nadal: Of course, I don't want you to play black.
General: Okay, just throwing it out there.
Nadal: Okay. Don't.

General: From the mountain tops of North Korea to the jungles of Zimbabwe, let every child labourer and sweat shop factory worker sing... Oppressed at last! Oppressed at last! Thank Aladeen, I am oppressed at last!

[last lines]
General: Are you okay, my love? What did you step on?
Zoey: Oh, yes! No, no. It's my people's tradition. We always smash a glass at weddings. I'm Jewish!
General: What?
Zoey: Mazel tov! Are you okay?
General: That's fine. I don't mind. It's great! Come here, my love.
[hugs her while signaling for her to be executed]

General: Oh it's a girl. I'm so sorry. Where's the trashcan?