Top 30 Quotes From Rizwan Manji

Eliot: Off your storm warning, I was expecting a Kanye-level diva, but I'm not even getting a whiff of Atty-Patty.
Tick: Don't be fooled, Sire. To use your parlance, this boat can be a bit of an Ass-ditch.
Eliot: [Confused] Ass-ditch?
Tick: Ass-trench? Grave?
Eliot: No.
Tick: Hole. Asshole!
[Boats knocks hum into the water]

Tick: The Morgan Downs, ma'am, could reach the Muntjac in a week. Without magical assistance, that's the best we can muster.
Margo: No, it is not the best we can muster! Follow me, dickholes.
[Storms out]
Gillen: ...Did she call us "dickholes"?

Margo: Fairy Queen bitch thinks she can break me with a few days' time out on Eliot's party boat?
Tick: Your Majesty, upon our return to Whitespire, might I suggest a hot bath to relax yourself?
Margo: I can't, because that chalky twat won't get out of my tub.

- No sign of wellick.
- We had a deal.
[Stuttering] I found a solution.
- You said you'd bring my family to me.
- What's going on out front?
Norm: I've got eyes on the door.
- Nothing unusual there or nearby.

Prince: You guys have been fucking shit up for over half a century.
Margo: Oookay.
Eliot: [Whispers to Tick] This is how Lorians talk?
Tick: The Prince speaks fluent Earth. Rumor has it his mother is from, uh, Cincinn-ah-ti.

- Call ended. Got the location.
- It's a restaurant called red wheelbarrow.
- Let's move.
- Dom, you heard him. He said the info was good. Let's go.
- What aren't you telling me?
Norm: Dom...

Ray: [Opens the door to Patrick and David's room] Knock! Knock! Is everybody decent?
David: [David is still sleeping with his head resting against Patrick's shoulder but he's startled awake by Ray's voice] Oh my god!
Patrick: Once again Ray? Saying "knock! knock!" isn't the same as actually knocking?
Ray: I know. But I'm making some breakfast and I was wondering if I should save some for you two?
David: Sure!
Ray: Great! Door open or closed?
David: Closed.
David: [Turns to Patrick] I thought you were going to talk to him about this? I very rarely let people see me before 9:00 AM.
Patrick: I did! The knock knock is him taking the note!
David: Well, maybe you should invest in a lock, lock?
Ray: Gentlemen?
David: Wholly fuck! What?
Ray: [Opening the door again!] I just realized that we don't have any eggs. But I have pancake mix. How do we feel about that?
David: 4, please!
Ray: David, I constantly hear about how you eat too much but I saw you walk from your bedroom to the shower and you look fine.
Patrick: Ray? We might need a minute.
Ray: Great! Door opened or closed?
Patrick: Closed!
David: [Turning to Patrick] WOWWWWWWW!
Patrick: Okay! This isn't working anymore. I think it's time that we got an apartment.
David: Oh! Okay if that's what you want?
Patrick: I think it's more of a need at this point, David, I've been thinking about it for a while now?
Ray: Gentlemen? You're going to laugh at this but I found the eggs in the pantry they were sitting by the pancake mix so they've been out for days.
David: Can I still have the pancakes?
Ray: Yes!
[Ray walks away without closing David and Patrick's bedroom door]
Patrick: Ray?
Ray: Patrick?
Patrick: [Makes a "close the door" gesture] Door closed.
Ray: Of course!

Fen: Our air has always been graced with what you on Earth call opium. But now it's saturated. For some it's tolerable. Some get quite giddy, a few succumb to sleep at the most inconvenient times, and then there are those who-...
Tick: Dance. In the nude.
Fen: It sounds lighthearted, but it's actually resulted in a number of deaths, mainly in falling asleep in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Tick: Trampled in the middle of the road being the most common. Uh, however, a dancer did die of exposure on a glacier, though, uh, by all accounts, quite gracefully.

Doctor: [Aladeen rewrote the language so his name means both "positive" and "negative"] Do you want the Aladeen news or the Aladeen news?
Patient: The Aladeen news?
Doctor: You're HIV-Aladeen.

Tick: Both the high king and queen have vanished leaving you the only Child of Earth in Fillory.
Josh: Oh, my God. They were my ride home!

Ray: Okay, okay; I think I know what all the hesitation is about. Yes, someone did take their own life in this space but the good news is, we've replaced the ceiling fan. It's now a breakaway model.

Heloise: That's the third brownout this week.
Gillen: If we don't fix the Wellspring soon, Your Majesty-...
Margo: One problem at a time, okay? Our soldiers are deserting us in protest, thanks to Julia committing tree genocide.
Tick: Pardon me, Your Majesty. For the official records, may I suggest a slightly less incendiary term? Perhaps "arbicide"?

Jamil: Oh, Peacemaker!
Christopher: Yes!
Jamil: You only kill minorities, man!
Christopher: I killed a fair amount of white people too!
Jamil: The ratio is suspect, is all I have to say!
Christopher: If somebody's committing a crime...
Jamil: Yes?
Christopher: am I supposed to control what their ethnicity is?
Jamil: No. But you need to watch white people as closely as you watch people of color, so you see more of them committing crimes!
Christopher: Fine. That's... That's a good point. I will trust white people less in the future, and kill a higher percentage of them. Are you satisfied?
Jamil: Yes. Thank you.

Tick: Your majesties, the much-venerated Emissaries of our neighbors to the north. I present Prince Ess of Loria.
Eliot: I'm sorry *Princess*?
Prince: Please, call me Ess.
Eliot: Prince... Ess. Oh, my God. Fuck your parents, dude.

Eliot: We're under attack. The Rattening, now reports of upside down rain.
Tick: Correct - as well as ant hills turning into volcanoes, the Balmy Sea turning to acid, and the mysterious disappearance of all blondes in the province of Crickety Cove.
Rafe: The talking animals report this includes palomino horses. Also, every chicken in Fillory has laryngitis.

Jamil: There's no superhero called Peacemaker.
Christopher: Dude, I'm fuckin' famous.
Jamil: Not that famous. Aquaman, he's famous.
Christopher: Fuck Aquaman!
Jamil: No, man, don't say that. Why say that?
Christopher: He bangs chicks? Good for him. He fucks dudes? Got no problem with that. He starts fuckin' fish? That's taking it a step too far.
Jamil: Aquaman fucks fish?
Christopher: Yeah.
Jamil: I don't believe it.
Christopher: A guy on Twitter works for the aquarium, said for 50 bucks, he brings him in the back so he can have his way with a sturgeon
[fish]
Christopher: .
Jamil: I refuse to believe that.
Christopher: And I refuse to believe that @PepetheFrog89 is lying to me for no reason.

Tick: You've been found guilty.
Eliot: By a marsupial in a wig and a robe!
Tick: The judge you requested for trial - the wombat.
Margo: Wombat? Jesus, Tick I said "combat". We wanted trial by *combat*!

Tick: Are the fairies here right now?
Margo: They were. Now they've gone to tell the queen that we screwed the pooch right in the pooper.
Tick: ...That sounds painful.

Jamil: Why do you think I'm mopping floors, bro? I went to MIT. I don't like the responsibility.
Christopher: You went to MIT?
Jamil: Oh, yeah.
Christopher: [what] the fuck are you doing here?
Jamil: That's my fucking point, man! Why aren't you listening to me?

Rachel: What if he says I'll never sing again? I mean, who am I without my voice? I-I-I... I'm just this spoiled, annoying only child...
Finn: Don't say that. There's, like, so many awesome things about you.
Rachel: Like?
Finn: [dodging the question] Look, he's not gonna say you'll never sing again.
Dr. Gidwani: [entering] Bad news, Rachel. You'll probably never sing again.
[she gasps in horror]
Dr. Gidwani: I'm kidding. You have severe tonsillitis, which has resulted in an inner ear infection. From the looks of things, it's not the first time. You should have had them out years ago.

Margo: We agreed to have the prisoner executed today.
Eliot: We did. But I changed my mind.
Margo: Well, I didn't. And I'm High Queen.
Tick: The queen may voice her opinion, but ultimate judgement belongs to the king.
Margo: So this is what the patriarchy smells like? It's not the freshest.

Tick: Our preparation is affected by the continued unsteadiness of the Wellspring.
Margo: Okay, well, we've got literally every engineer in the kingdom working to de-shit-inate the Wellspring. Gonna invent the guillotine in a hot second if they don't get their shit together.

Eliot: The Muntjac is the fastest boat in our ancient, leaky fleet, and the best way to reach the Outer Islands, where taxes haven't been collected in...
Tick: 46 years, 3 months, and 7 days.
Eliot: So let's just be clear here about how government works. We can't do anything without money. Now, if there are any dissenting opinions as to my royal order...
[They all put up their hands]
Eliot: ... I will remind the Council that this is not a democracy.

Margo: Penny's dead?
Tick: Was he not already?
Benedict: I can't believe it.
William: Thank you, finally!
Benedict: He was my best friend.
William: ...Okay, I mean, all right.
Margo: [Sadly] I guess I always thought someday we were gonna bang.
William: Me, too, girl. Me, too.

Margo: Good job, Tick.
Tick: Your praise is everything, but I would also like a country estate.
Margo: Don't get greedy.

Eliot: A duel? With Ess's dad?
Margo: El-...
Eliot: He's gotta be at least 50. And I'm pretty buff from all the living without technology or decent wine.
Margo: Slow down.
Eliot: [to the council] Is there any rule about not using magic?
Rafe: No, Your Majesty.
Tick: Highness, if I may, there is a reason we haven't brought up this, uh, option before, especially since magic is not completely dependable. Simply put, you're likely to well... die.

Rafe: Abigail would remind you that money cannot fill the Wellspring. Without it, Fillory withers.
Margo: Okay, well, we talked about this. When someone drops a log at a public pool, you just send a kid with a net to fish it out.
Gillen: The befouling was substantial, Your Majesty. We've employed several filtration systems, but the Wellspring isn't recovering fast enough.
Tick: If there was a royal appeal to Ember himself-...
Margo: Okay, we can't find him. He's not in his temple or his filthy sex cave.

Tick: By order of High King Fen, Margo of tribe Hansen is forever banished, never again to step upon the soil of Fillory, never again to breathe its air or feel its magic.
Margo: Oh, get on with it.
[Gets branded]
Margo: Son of a pig fucker!
Tick: Perfect words to remember you by.

Ray: Oh, now I see - his shoulders are too big!

Jamil: [to Chris] You're kind of bulky to be a superhero.