The Best Rafe Quotes

Eliot: We're under attack. The Rattening, now reports of upside down rain.
Tick: Correct - as well as ant hills turning into volcanoes, the Balmy Sea turning to acid, and the mysterious disappearance of all blondes in the province of Crickety Cove.
Rafe: The talking animals report this includes palomino horses. Also, every chicken in Fillory has laryngitis.

Eliot: Talking-animal question. So, bunnies.
Rafe: Her Sluggishness has noted that you are aware of their messenger abilities.
Eliot: So, that is what the Fairy Queen uses them for?
Rafe: Bunnies move easily between worlds.
Eliot: And do they serve her? And if so, how loyally?
Rafe: Every bunny for itself, Majesty.

Rafe: Abigail would remind you that money cannot fill the Wellspring. Without it, Fillory withers.
Margo: Okay, well, we talked about this. When someone drops a log at a public pool, you just send a kid with a net to fish it out.
Gillen: The befouling was substantial, Your Majesty. We've employed several filtration systems, but the Wellspring isn't recovering fast enough.
Tick: If there was a royal appeal to Ember himself-...
Margo: Okay, we can't find him. He's not in his temple or his filthy sex cave.

Rafe: Your Majesty. Be careful.
[Hands her a vial of liquid]
Margo: So not a nice scotch, then?
Rafe: It will transport you to the fairy realm. I must warn you, few return.
Margo: But it is a chance to save Fen, the baby.
Rafe: I would go, but-...
Margo: You're a pussy who's in love with a sloth, who's currently a rat.

Rafe: Abigail? If you can hear me, squeak. Let me know you're okay.
[sighs]
Rafe: Why didn't I study how to speak rat in school?

Heloise,9148: [singing] "One more dawn One more day One day more..."
King: I'm confused. Is the duel not today?
Eliot: It's a metaphor.

Eliot: A duel? With Ess's dad?
Margo: El-...
Eliot: He's gotta be at least 50. And I'm pretty buff from all the living without technology or decent wine.
Margo: Slow down.
Eliot: [to the council] Is there any rule about not using magic?
Rafe: No, Your Majesty.
Tick: Highness, if I may, there is a reason we haven't brought up this, uh, option before, especially since magic is not completely dependable. Simply put, you're likely to well... die.

Tick: I urge a public execution, today.
Gillen: Might I suggest strangulation? For the symbolism.
Tick: We don't wish to fall to his level. The Bed of a Thousand Spikes should do just fine.
Rafe: [Translating for Abigail the sloth] Her Slowness suggests tying each of his limbs to a centaur, and as they stretch him, inch by inch, a fifth centaur sets the spike, if you will.

Eliot: Idri's turned into a rat, so it isn't the Lorians. We've incapacitated the FU Fighters. That leaves the people in this room.
Tick: Your Highness?
Eliot: If anyone has anything to say...
Tick: I'm embezzling funds from the royal treasury.
[Gasps]
Tick: Why did I just say that?
Eliot: Hah! Because there's truth serum in this wine. I've troothied you. Anyone else?
Rafe: Abigail and I have been using the castle guards to run an escort service.
Eliot: Gross. But clever. Doesn't help us.

Tick: On to business, then. Half the court are still rats. The talking beavers are in revolt. They're demanding dental coverage.
Benedict: And the Measly Mountains, they've disappeared. Completely just - -
[Josh moves to sit in the throne]
Rafe: Stop! The thrones are cursed.
Josh: Okay, is anything not fucked?
Tick: Your High Kingliness, perhaps this is all too much for you.
Josh: There was a great king on Earth who had a philosophy: "Hakuna matata". Roughly translated, it means, "no worries". That's my philosophy too. Who gives a shit about a few Measly Mountains?
Benedict: But-...
Josh: Erase them. Bring in the talking rats to translate for the rat people, and we are giving all those beavers braces because they deserve it. Say it, Tick.
Tick: Hakuna matata.