Top 50 Quotes From Josh Hoberman

Josh: I'm sorry. I just really loved doing magic. And I was good at it. Should have tasted my tomatoes. Just the air smelled different, right? And I could turn into a bird or make a rose bloom. And I saw actual Fillory. And I banged a werewolf!
[Julia laughs]
Josh: Yes, that is weird, but also rad because who gets to do that. And I wasn't just some extremely average nobody. I was gifted. I didn't just belong somewhere, I belonged anywhere because I was a magician.

Josh: Oysters and pearls from the French Laundry. I had to get Thomas Keller so wrecked before he'd show me the secret to that recipe.
Eliot: [Tries it] Mmm. I just don't think it's "Fillory" enough.
Josh: But half of Fillory eats boiled mutton! Let's introduce them to, like, actual food.
Eliot: This is their world. We have to meet them halfway, don't you think?
Josh: Well, if half your recipe is shit, it's *all* going to taste like shit.

Josh: [Josh has just finished frantically cleaning up after discovering the remains of a dead animal in his bed] Hey... uh... Penny 23! Look at that!
William: That sounded *real* natural. Why are you skittish as fuck?
Josh: Am I? That's... no.
William: What's in the bag?
Josh: Oh, nothing.
William: You got blood on your face.
Josh: What?
William: Yeah, look in the mirror.
[Grabs the trash bag as Josh turns to look]
Josh: Oh, no no no, that's not what it looks like!
William: It looks like a dead animal.
Josh: OK, maybe it *is* what it looks like.

Margo: While you were busy with your domestic issues, I managed to translate this Indonesian ritual and the good news is this is first-year Brakebills multi-culti elective crap, so we can definitely pull it off without breaking the magic bank. The only prob is finding one exotic ingredient.
Josh: What type of exotic are we talking about here?
Margo: We need a living Komodo dragon so we can cut out its heart. And I heard a rumor Kanye keeps one in his New York apartment.
Josh: That sounds on-brand.
Margo: Let's go.
Josh: Uh, wait. I have to give you something.
[Josh hands Margo a gun]
Josh: It's loaded with silver bullets. The quickening has started to do weird things to me, and, well, if I wolf out, you might need to stop me.
Margo: It's not going to come to that. I promise. Now come on, let's go steal Kanye's lizard.

Josh: Look, I just need your help. What is going on with me? With us? The quickening?
Helen: Well, I don't really know everything...
Josh: You're a goddamn cryptozoology professor! What *do* you know?
Helen: Lycanthropy is technically a curse. Transformations are tied to the lunar cycle, and behavioral changes are mostly... non-lethal. Except during the quickening.
Josh: Well, that sounds pretty, pretty bad!
Helen: Oh, luckily it only happens every 30 years or so. In the 48 hours leading up, all lycanthropes experience... urges, starting in the form of nightmares or waking dreams.
Josh: What is the curse trying to make me do?
Helen: Have traditional sex with an uninfected person. Or kill them.
Josh: Jesus Kayla Christ!

Josh: One for $20, three for $50.
Todd: Which gets you the highest?
Josh: Highest? This is grown locally from heirloom seed stock, paired with the ideal pastry for a curated drug experience. This will make you levitate. This is like being hugged by a rainbow. This is like being blown by a rainbow. Do not mix these up.

Kady: The Hedges, they're all going crazy with rumors that magic is happening all over the city. Central Park sex magic make-out sessions devolving into orgy.
Josh: Fuck. Why didn't I ever do that?
Kady: And at St. Brennan's, someone conjured a dinosaur. Yeah, I mean, both places, the rumor is, it's a female magician. White, 30s, a little off her rocker.
Quentin: Uh, okay, well we should split up and cover both.
Kady: Yeah.
Josh: You're taking sex magic, aren't you?

Kady: [about the dinosaur] We lost it on Madison.
Josh: I still think it went into that falafel place.
Kady: No, you were hungry.
Josh: So was he. And it was a vegan falafel place, so, herbivore. Logic.

Margo: [looking fearfully out of the car for Josh] Aaah! Son of a clit!
Josh: The ritual didn't work!
Margo: Oh, is that why you screamed and ran out of the car?
Josh: Just let me in, OK?
Margo: Why, so you can wolf-pun me to death?
Josh: No, I wanted to do things, but you're safe now, OK? It passed.
Margo: How?
Josh: I kind of turned a tree into a werewolf, if you know what I'm saying.
Margo: [Putting the gun away] Oh, got it.
Josh: It's not a permanent solution. It's enough to keep the urges off until we get to where we're going.
Margo: You mind telling me where that is, maple-dick?
Josh: Brakebills.

Josh: How could you do this to me, man? You're me, I'm you, we're us. I would never betray myself.
Alternate: You haven't been through what I've been through.
Josh: Yes I have, except the Lasik.
Alternate: There's more than that.
Josh: Whatever. You know, I thought you were cool and brave. And I dug your jacket, but now I just think you're a dick, which sucks, because that means I'm a dick.

Julia: Here's the thing: all the Chatwins are dead, Fillory has no rulers, and the only people from Earth left here now not locked in a dungeon-...
Josh: Oh, my God. I'm going to be royalty.

Quentin: [Reading] The Tale of the Seven Keys. Chapter one. Long ago, in a far-off kingdom, lived the daughter of a brave knight. The knight had always wanted a son to whom he might pass on his skills. So, while father and daughter loved one another, she often felt herself a disappointment to him. One day, a witch kidnapped the knight. The daughter pleaded with her to return him. The witch said no, but he could be rescued if the girl could complete a quest. "There are seven keys", said the witch. "Find them, and you can open your father's prison the Castle At The End of the World". The witch told the daughter the first key was to be found on an island beyond her kingdom, so she sailed past the Outer Islands. And while the voyage was treacherous, her destination was more so, for nothing was as it seemed on After Island.
Josh: Wow. Okay. So, then...?
Quentin: Then - -
[Shows rest is blank pages]
Josh: Jesus. This book is more withholding than my last girlfriend.

Josh: I will freely admit I was getting excited at the idea of a Josh-Julia solo adventure.
Julia: Sorry.
Josh: Yeah, what would the shippers even call us? Josh? Julia? See? You couldn't even tell that I swapped the first letters.

Josh: Quentin is The Beast. Quentin is The Beast? How the fuck is Quentin The Beast?
Marina: ...Who's Quentin again?

Margo: Christ on a god damn communion wafer!
Josh: It's like I'm caught in a real-life game of Marry, Fuck, Kill, only marry is off the table!
Margo: What are you going to do about it?
Josh: I have no goddamn clue. Why do you think I'm sitting here with my head in my hands; the traditional Hoberman despair position?
Margo: OK, then here's a plan. We're going to fix this bullshit.
Josh: I don't want to add to your problems, Margo.
Margo: So because of that you're just going to sit back and just let this shit happen to you? Huh? This ain't prom night. The only thing I know for sure is you're not going to fix anything if you nutsack out on me.
Josh: I won't... nutsack out.
Margo: Good. That's what I want to hear. Because we are going to find a way out of this thing. Or we're going to die trying.

Marina: Give The Beast what he wants Julia, from an alternate timeline in exchange for leaving us alone.
Josh: And what about me?
Alternate: Sorry, bro. You're the Cedric Diggory of this story.
Josh: At least he died looking hot.

Margo: You want to do something stupid?
[Gets in the cage with Josh, and throws the key away]
Margo: Fine by me.
Josh: What the hell are you doing?
Margo: Something stupider.

Enid: How do you know Isaac, again?
Josh: Oh, uh, he and I met at Jewish camp.
Enid: This is kind of weird. I mean, why did he send a friend instead of calling me himself?
Josh: He's got, uh, laryngitis.
Enid: So he can't text?
Josh: And he broke all of his fingers. Anywho, I've got to talk to you about Isaac's problem, which he's embarrassed because he came down with something and he's afraid that you might have caught it from him...
Enid: Caught what?
Josh: Oh, just a... herpes-like thing...
Enid: He gave me herpes?
Josh: I believe I said 'herpes-like'...
Enid: Well what the hell is it?
Josh: The only way to know if you've got it is to sort of go through the symptoms and see if you've been experiencing them?
Enid: OK. Josh-from-Jewish-camp. I'm going to discuss genital warts and discharge with you, cause we just met! Jesus Christ, fuck my life!
[Takes a pull from a vodka bottle]
Josh: Look, have you maybe not been feeling yourself lately?
Enid: Not really, and I'm beginning to wonder why I let you in in the first place.
Josh: Great, and have you maybe been having dreams that are weird and violent?
Enid: Maybe.
Josh: Right, well, this last one might sound a leeetle crazy, but have you maybe been unable to control yourself around guys?
Enid: Get out of my apartment!
Josh: Oh, wait, no no no, this wasn't me trying to freak you out.
Enid: Get out!
Josh: Please, just let me help you. I just want to help.
Enid: [crying] It's been a really hard couple of days! I've been totally freaking, like, what's wrong with me?
Josh: I know what you mean, and it's completely normal, and I assure you this is not your fault.
Enid: [breaking down] That's so good to hear. I mean, how could I even do that to someone else? It's a total mess in there!
Josh: A mess? Where?
[Josh opens the bedroom door to discover a dismembered corpse on the bed]
Josh: Jesus. Tits.
Enid: [off camera] It's not that bad, is it?
[a bloody hand falls off the end of the bed]

Margo: Why the fuck are you taking a nap instead of looking for me?
Josh: Margo? I thought you were banished.
Margo: No, dumbass, I'm stuck in the Fairy Realm. How can I see you?
Josh: [Looks at his bong] Oh, shit, she must've mixed in the wrong strain. We wanted "bang like happy pandas", not "see other worlds". Never let an amateur pack your bong.

Eliot: After all the hours I spent down in the dungeon, I actually thought I'd won Bayler over. I thought I had rehabbed his soul.
Margo: Oh, honey. We both know rehab is about more than nachos and backgammon.
Eliot: Is it? Is it, Margo?
Josh: Wait, so you're upset because the guy who tried to kill you is gonna try and kill you again?
Eliot: I should've executed him. It's not like anybody likes me anyway. I'm down 5%. And now the Fu Fighters are gonna red my wedding!

Josh: How did we end up at Burning Man?
Julia: We're inside a Tesla Flexion.
Josh: Is that a car?

Josh: [about Fillory] It was magical.
[chuckles]
Josh: I mean, more magical than Brakebills, like going from black and white to color. V and I had a threesome with a naiad. This guy Donnie, he had sex with a talking horse. I mean, it's not exactly taboo in Fillory since the animals can give consent, but we were all still a bit squicked out.
Margo: We get it. You fucked some animals.

Alternate: There's this monster here killing magicians. We call him The Beast.
Josh: Twelve fingers. Cloud of moths around his face?
Alternate: Yeah. I tried to get people to call him Mothra but it didn't stick.
Josh: Here either, can't expect everyone to be down with the Kaiju classics.

Margo: Listen, dipshit, you have to find Rafe, the squirrely little prick who works for the sloth. He got me here. He can get me back.
Josh: You could say "please".
Margo: No, I literally could not. I'm going to go find Fen. You find a goddamn way to get me back.

Margo: [Josh is locking himself in a cage] I think you're overreacting.
Josh: I could have sexually assaulted you. Or ate you. I don't honestly know how things would have turned out.
Margo: That's no reason to give up, there's got to be a solution.
Josh: I've got, what, a couple of hours before the quickening takes over, and I'm sorry if that makes me a wimp or whatever, but i don't want to rape or murder anybody.
Margo: Oh come on, there are plenty of people who deserve to be kilt. I can think of a half-dozen at Brakebills alone. If you can just keep your twat together I'm sure I can get at least one of them down here. I mean Todd totally owes me.
Josh: He doesn't owe you his life.
Margo: Doesn't he?

Quentin: Seriously, you guys, I'm in a cage. You think this is, uh, a tad redundant?
Dean: Protocol.
Quentin: For werewolves.
Josh: [Wolfed out] Okay, technically, I have sexually transmitted lycanthropy; a very mild case.

Helen: The urges increase as the moon moves towards its aphelion, the climax as it were, in a lycanthropic high point of lupinity, or wolfness.
Josh: I took your class, Helen, I know what lupinity means! Why can't I just lock myself up in a cage until the quickening passes?
Helen: Because that won't satisfy the urge. You need to have sex or kill or you'll rip your own guts out. That's how the curse is insured to spread. It's quite clever, actually.
Josh: Oh, yeah, real clever how I'm going to rape or murder someone in the next two days no matter what.
Helen: If you try to suppress it, it's always possible you'll do both. Or commit suicide. Just, you know, to have all the options on the table.
Josh: What the hell am I going to do? What are we going to do?
Helen: Have you considered Tinder?
Josh: What? No! Because I have a really, really bad S.T.D. and that sort of kills the desire to sleep with anyone, so forget... wait... did *you* do that?
Helen: ...Yes. And it worked! That is why I am not going crazy right now. You are very charming, Josh, I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding someone to... dance with before, you know, the wolf makes a choice for you. Good luck, Josh.

Josh: I was online last night-...
Dean: The answer is no. There is no actual evidence of a magical surge in Sedona, Arizona.
Josh: Yeah, but what about in-...
Dean: Or Kenya, or Machu Picchu, or China or anywhere. Magic is gone. The best we can do is accept that, and continue our theoretical studies, to stay ready for its return.
Alice: So you think that's possible?
Dean: Anything is possible, Alice.
Quentin: [Quietly] Was, anyway.

Alternate: I've had harder life than you.
Josh: Did you? What makes you so sure?
Alternate: Because you get to hang out with Julia, who is awesome, and I get Marina, who is mean. All the time.

Margo: [after Josh has eaten the Komodo dragon's heart as part of a ritual] I told you, vulnerable is not technically endangered.
Josh: I think I'm going to be sick.
Margo: Don't you dare throw up that lizard heart. We killed a vulnerable creature to save your ass. Better not be for nothing. Not to mention that is not the way I thought I'd meet Kanye. That's actually less messed up than the way I thought it would go...

Tick: Both the high king and queen have vanished leaving you the only Child of Earth in Fillory.
Josh: Oh, my God. They were my ride home!

Tick: On to business, then. Half the court are still rats. The talking beavers are in revolt. They're demanding dental coverage.
Benedict: And the Measly Mountains, they've disappeared. Completely just - -
[Josh moves to sit in the throne]
Rafe: Stop! The thrones are cursed.
Josh: Okay, is anything not fucked?
Tick: Your High Kingliness, perhaps this is all too much for you.
Josh: There was a great king on Earth who had a philosophy: "Hakuna matata". Roughly translated, it means, "no worries". That's my philosophy too. Who gives a shit about a few Measly Mountains?
Benedict: But-...
Josh: Erase them. Bring in the talking rats to translate for the rat people, and we are giving all those beavers braces because they deserve it. Say it, Tick.
Tick: Hakuna matata.

Alice: There's a creature in the Northern Marsh who can give you just about anything for a price.
Josh: What kind of evil creature-type deal are we talking here?
Alice: When I die, I won't go to the Underworld. I'll belong to him.
Josh: So, Harvey Weinstein-type evil.

2nd: Eating Out with Josh Hoberman, scene 1, take one. Marker.
Josh: I'm eating what?

Margo: Josh, where's that dishwasher?
Josh: Still in the armoire.
Eliot: Why is he in the armoire?
Josh: 'Cause I'm not good in a crisis, okay?
Eliot: How were you ever a drug dealer?

Josh: I come bearing gifts.
Eliot: This is like, 80% taco supplies.
Josh: I'm sorry, do they not have Tuesdays in Fillory?

Josh: Now, if you would please refer to the hookup/murder chart.
William: Penny got with the other Alice. Interesting.
Josh: Now that we know who porked whom, let's go over who murdered whom...

William: So what's up with me in your timeline?
Josh: Well, you're kind of in the Underworld.
William: Not good.
Josh: I'm not sure you're technically dead.
William: So, in the Underworld, but not dead? That sounds worse.

Josh: I'm starting to see why no one's ever beaten this curse. It's like herpes - cockroach-in-a-nuclear-war-level impossible to stomp out.
Margo: Well, I found some shit on a ritual from an Indonesian tribe. It's supposed to prevent supernatural transformations. Or maybe cause them, my Indonesian sucks.
Josh: [Phone dings] Uber alert. You know, these surge prices are really getting out - oh, no. Oh, no no no no no!
Margo: OK, surge prices piss me off too, but are you all right?
Josh: I've always been up front about my L-positive status with any potential partners before... anything happens.
Margo: What's that have to do with Uber?
Josh: Isaac wasn't.
Margo: Oh. So how many people did Isaac do doggy style?
Josh: Just one. And I'm going to go warn her now. Uh huh! Yep! What a fun day!

Alternate: I don't wanna talk about my private tragedy, so unless you want me to gag you-...
Josh: Okay, fine, Dick Josh.
Alternate: Don't call me Dick Josh
Josh: Then don't be a dick, Josh.

Josh: I just need to know the action plan, okay? If I do find her, do I, what, just grab the battery? Even if she's using it at that exact moment to save Penny? And even if saving Penny means the battery's dead?
Julia: Or the battery has enough juice to save Penny and help us, she just doesn't want me to have it. I mean, which I totally get, from her perspective. Only I'm not her, I'm me, and I'm trying to fix the whole fuckness that is the universe.
Quentin: Look, let's just find her, and then we'll figure out all the moral Jenga.

Julia: The key was supposed to take us to Fillory. It just decided to send us back here? What even are the rules?
Josh: Beats me, they're weirdly inconsistent.

Margo: Fen? Are you okay? Sweetie, do you know where you are?
Josh: A plane laid atop our own, so the Fairy Castle and Whitespire actually occupy the same space and time, but two dimensions. Or possibly the same dimension, but incredibly sped up like that one episode of "Star Trek".

Josh: You'll run yourself dead, doing everything on your own. Believe me, I know. Pass some shit down the chain to the governors or the dukes or whatever.
[Eliot gives him a look]
Josh: You don't have any governors? No dukes?
Eliot: Well-...
Josh: Get you some delegates, son.
Eliot: Right, really good idea. Select governors. Yet another task for the High King.
Josh: Or you just hold an election. Let the people pick their own, you do nada.
Eliot: That's-...
Josh: Stupid, is it stupid? I'm sorry.
Eliot: Brilliant, Josh! I think you just invented democracy, and it's going to save Fillory.

Josh: [after Ess attacks the castle] Hakuna Matata has failed me.

Josh: Fillory's at war.
Eliot: What...
Margo: ...The fuck?
Josh: I know, we are literally Questing through a war-torn country. So epic.

Josh: Jesus R.R. Christ. An innocent girl is a murderer because I couldn't get to her in time.
Margo: Oh, put your tit back in your training bra, wolf-boy. We don't really know how innocent this girl was. Sleeping with her Uber driver sounds like she had a death wish to begin with.
Josh: You're not helping.
Margo: [Margo sets a glass in front of Josh] Drink.
Josh: Is this a potion?
Margo: It's alcohol.
Josh: Good enough.
[Drinks]

Josh: Previously... on "Us".
William: What?
Josh: Just imagine, an montage. A group of fine looking grad students were invited to a secret school for magic, where a bunch of stuff happened that doesn't really matter until they ran into a mysterious figure. An answer to a riddle they didn't even know to ask...
William: It's you.
Josh: Do you want this recap or not?
[Continues]
Josh: So yeah, it was me. Things were awesome. For a minute. We became kings and queens. Well, everybody but you. Everyone hooked up, I had a threesome with two harpies.
William: Just get to the parts about me.
Josh: You had a lot of drama with your hands. You signed a billion-year contract with the Library to help out Kady.
William: Wait, who's that?
Josh: [Surprised] Kady Orloff-Diaz? Love of your life? Looks like she could crack open your balls, because she can?
[Penny stares blankly]
Josh: Well, it was a love for the ages. Despite the fact that Kady got in way over her head with some hedge witches. Especially her best bitch, Julia Wicker - their term, not mine. I would never... Whatever went down definitely made them ex-best... Witches.

Fen: [Trying to remember where she heard the term/name 'The Thirteenth King' before] It's Roderick! "Thirsty Roderick, Thirteenth of his line, always liked to have a good time."
Tick: Oh my god, you're right.
Josh: About what?
Fen: A nursery rhyme. I've been trying to remember it all day. We used to sing it while playing Bearskip.
[Josh is confused]
Fen: It's a children's game, sort of like Fillorian hopscotch.
Josh: Involving bears?
Fen: Ideally skipping them.
Tick: "He hides his drinks from his many daughters."
Fen: "Builds a cistern to hoard the waters."
Tick: "Underneath the castle fair."
Fen: [Fen and Tick together] If you jump, you'll skip the bear!"
Tick: [Fen and Tick together] If you jump, you'll skip the bear!"
Josh: Okay. You're nursery rhyme used the word "cistern"?
Fen: Well, how else are children supposed to learn about underwater containment systems?

Kady: [Sees Julia trying to split her powers to create new keys, much like Voldemort creating his Horcruxes in the Harry Potter franchise] What are you doing?
Julia: What Prometheus did.
Eliot: Whore-crutching.
Josh: [Correcting Eliot] Horcruxing.