The Best Alternate Josh Quotes

Alternate: I've had harder life than you.
Josh: Did you? What makes you so sure?
Alternate: Because you get to hang out with Julia, who is awesome, and I get Marina, who is mean. All the time.

Marina: Give The Beast what he wants Julia, from an alternate timeline in exchange for leaving us alone.
Josh: And what about me?
Alternate: Sorry, bro. You're the Cedric Diggory of this story.
Josh: At least he died looking hot.

Alternate: I don't wanna talk about my private tragedy, so unless you want me to gag you-...
Josh: Okay, fine, Dick Josh.
Alternate: Don't call me Dick Josh
Josh: Then don't be a dick, Josh.

Alternate: There's this monster here killing magicians. We call him The Beast.
Josh: Twelve fingers. Cloud of moths around his face?
Alternate: Yeah. I tried to get people to call him Mothra but it didn't stick.
Josh: Here either, can't expect everyone to be down with the Kaiju classics.

Josh: How could you do this to me, man? You're me, I'm you, we're us. I would never betray myself.
Alternate: You haven't been through what I've been through.
Josh: Yes I have, except the Lasik.
Alternate: There's more than that.
Josh: Whatever. You know, I thought you were cool and brave. And I dug your jacket, but now I just think you're a dick, which sucks, because that means I'm a dick.

Julia: Your Beast has some sort of key?
Marina: Mm-hmm.
Julia: We need it.
Marina: You help us kill our Beast, key is yours.
Julia: Deal.
Alternate: Boom. Let's celebrate, bitches
[pause]
Alternate: Powerful women.

Alternate: We have scoured what's left of the place looking for away to defeat that moth-faced cock-whistler.
Marina: That's how we found the Tesla Flexion, and a battery to cast it.
Alternate: And this sweet jacket. It's not magic, but might as well be.