Top 150 Quotes From Margo Hanson

Margo: You're saying Josh is a fucking fish?
Fen: Well, of course not. He's a Fillorian Dying Fish. A Fillorian Fucking Fish is a totally different species.

Eliot: Hey Alice, Is that Genji?
Quentin: Do you guys know her?
Margo: Everyone does. She runs a retreat. It's like Camp David for magicians.
Eliot: If Camp David was run by Caligula.
[to Alice]
Eliot: I mean that in the best way.

Margo: [about the Margolem] She has a bad habit of walking off, although when she does, it's nice to be reminded I have a great ass.

William: Bad news you're cursed. Good news I think there's a way out.
Eliot: Does it involve your beheading? 'Cause that's the ending I'm voting for right now.
Margo: I second that. My ass still hurts.

Eliot: After all the hours I spent down in the dungeon, I actually thought I'd won Bayler over. I thought I had rehabbed his soul.
Margo: Oh, honey. We both know rehab is about more than nachos and backgammon.
Eliot: Is it? Is it, Margo?
Josh: Wait, so you're upset because the guy who tried to kill you is gonna try and kill you again?
Eliot: I should've executed him. It's not like anybody likes me anyway. I'm down 5%. And now the Fu Fighters are gonna red my wedding!

Margo: [about Humbledrum] I love that bear.
Fray: So do I.
Eliot: Yeah, horray for bears, but we were kind of having a moment...
Margo: No, honey, she *loves* him.
Eliot: So, uh, not bear boss? Bear... boyfriend? Is that a thing in Fillory?
Margo: Apparently very taboo, but like I told Humbledrum, as long as it's consensual, if I got my way, I'd say go hog-wild or bear-wild or bull-wild. He's very concerned about getting your approval. I don't think he quite gets that you're not even Fray's real dad.
Eliot: [Turns to Fray] Well, then I will say what I wish my father had said to me: I'm so happy you're dating a bear.
Fray: [Slightly emotional] Thanks Dad.
Humbledrum: Thanks, Fray's dad.

Margo: [after Josh has eaten the Komodo dragon's heart as part of a ritual] I told you, vulnerable is not technically endangered.
Josh: I think I'm going to be sick.
Margo: Don't you dare throw up that lizard heart. We killed a vulnerable creature to save your ass. Better not be for nothing. Not to mention that is not the way I thought I'd meet Kanye. That's actually less messed up than the way I thought it would go...

Margo: Just floating this: Would it be weird if I fuck Josh?
Eliot: I certainly hope it would be weird.

Margo: Now... I don't say this lightly, but I think this might be our best party yet.
Eliot: And I say this with the weight of my whole heart... I concur.

Margo: That sloth is psychotic.
Eliot: It's all psychotic. Did you hear how Tick said "commoners"?
Margo: When we're the least snobby people in a room, there's something wrong with the room.

Todd: I'm hearing Encanto Octulo this year is gonna be, like, off the chain, but you have to be invited by people who've been... and you guys have both been.
Eliot: Twice.
Todd: Right... Margo, you look so beautiful.
Eliot: [whispering] Uh, I - I can't even-...
Margo: I got this.
[to Todd]
Margo: Tell me your name again.
Todd: Todd.
Margo: Todd. Here's the thing. Encanto Oculto is a solid week of sun, drugs, and magical art. Time stops, reality bends, and you fuck five times a day.
Eliot: On a bad day.
Todd: It sounds awesome.
Margo: It is, Todd. It is awesome, but honestly, you'd end up in a corner alone. Bitter. Bumming everyone out. Like last year at the bacchanal.
Eliot: Poor - Wait, what was his name?
Margo: Umm, Hmm... Todd.
Eliot: Todd. How weird is that? Todd, you don't want to end up like the other Todd.
Todd: What happened to him?
Margo: He just wasn't meant to be there. He moped and whined and brought everything down. Okay, we were a little wrecked, and for fun, someone - - Someone not us...
Eliot: No, not us.
Margo: Turned Todd into a pig.
Eliot: And we ate him.
Todd: Wait, are you guys messing with me right now?
[Margo and Eliot stare in solemn silence]
Todd: Okay. Well, I'm just gonna I'm gonna...
[He leaves, Eliot and Margo laugh hysterically]

Heloise: There are stirrings of rebellion in the southern orchard. The outer islands refusal to pay the crown's taxes.
Margo: You know who loves paying taxes? People with broken legs.

Emily: Do you know what a Niffin is?
Margo: No.
Alice: Yes.
Emily: It's when too much runs through you. Consumes you. Only the magic is left, but you're not you anymore. You're lost.

Play: I am High King Fen the Toeless, and I like knives.
Play: I am Josh the Fresh Prince, and I love to eat. Also I have a mustache.
Margo: [Watching] Huh. I guess Josh must've gone through a mustache phase.

Margo: Good job, Tick.
Tick: Your praise is everything, but I would also like a country estate.
Margo: Don't get greedy.

Margo: Okay, this is too much.
Dean: Your subconscious thought you needed some wisdom.
Margo: You do whiskey, not wisdom.

Margo: You want to do something stupid?
[Gets in the cage with Josh, and throws the key away]
Margo: Fine by me.
Josh: What the hell are you doing?
Margo: Something stupider.

Josh: Jesus R.R. Christ. An innocent girl is a murderer because I couldn't get to her in time.
Margo: Oh, put your tit back in your training bra, wolf-boy. We don't really know how innocent this girl was. Sleeping with her Uber driver sounds like she had a death wish to begin with.
Josh: You're not helping.
Margo: [Margo sets a glass in front of Josh] Drink.
Josh: Is this a potion?
Margo: It's alcohol.
Josh: Good enough.
[Drinks]

Margo: One spell so powerful, it wiped the whole board. To Quentin!
[Cheers]
Margo: Q, come on. Celebrate. Who knew you had it in you? Easily worth whatever it's gonna cost to replace the roof.
Quentin: I don't care.
Margo: I get your dad is sick, but like it or not, you still have to think about your future, and this matters for that.
Quentin: One of the mentors came up to me after the game and asked me to come to the Fertile Crescent to stalk a river dragon. I said no, 'cause grand scheme, none of that matters.
Margo: Why do you think you were able to do that? Please tell me someone has pointed out to you that magic doesn't come from sunshine and ice cream, for any of us. What you're born with, what gets slammed on you as a kid, what happens now, like your dad... A great way to get what you want is to be so miserable that you don't want it anymore.
Quentin: What kind of system is that? Why can't it run on love, or... cocaine?

Margo: [about a wild horse] Bring him to me.
William: Why?
Margo: I want to get my Catherine the Great on.
[Penny stares blankly]
Margo: Google it. Totally hilarious.

Margo: We may be the least trusted monarchs in the history of Fillory. Thank God they don't have polls here.

Eliot: We're not learning anything new. In every scenario, The Beast comes next week.
Quentin: There was one time we didn't all die: when we went to Fillory.
Eliot: No. Everything went white. It's not necessarily better.
Alice: Well, I agree with Quentin.
Margo: Oh, that's because he blows you.
Quentin: Seriously, eight tries. We get seven deaths, one mysterious? Give me that.

Margo: You truthied me. I can't lie. Eliot, I did this for you. There was no other way.
Eliot: Don't. You started this when you declared war. Now my wife and child are gone. I need to deal with the rats. I can't risk having to clean up your next mess. Guards!
Margo: No! Eliot! What are you doing?
Eliot: I don't know what else to do.
[to guards]
Eliot: Take her to the dungeons.
Margo: No!
[guards grab her]
Margo: Eliot, I'll fix this!
Eliot: Make sure she gets the best room. And see that she gets her coconut oil. Goodbye, Margo.

Margo: [music playing in the background] And this is guiding me how?
Eliot: It's the song you think to yourself whenever you're working a guy.

Fairy: Ember is dangerously bored of Fillory. You underestimated how devastating it can be to displease a god.
Margo: We've been trying to get ahold of Ember for months. He ignores us.
Fairy: Because you ask for things. Offer something to him instead.

Alice: Maybe you should get checked out at the infirmary.
Eliot: [laughs] That's nonsense. Me strong like bull. Let's go on a quest.
Margo: You two go talk to Alice's whatever. Eliot, honey, maybe you and I should go upstairs and rest.
Eliot: [Stands] Wait, wait, wait. Are my eyes open or closed right now?

Eliot: Ugh, god. What a cliche.
Margo: The baby that becomes a teenager practically overnight?
Eliot: Right? Angel.
Margo: Twilight.
Eliot: Buffy.
Margo: Technically, Buffy's sister was never a baby. She just appeared out of nowhere. And oh my god. Two months without dick and I sound like Quentin.

Prince: You guys have been fucking shit up for over half a century.
Margo: Oookay.
Eliot: [Whispers to Tick] This is how Lorians talk?
Tick: The Prince speaks fluent Earth. Rumor has it his mother is from, uh, Cincinn-ah-ti.

Eliot: Anyway, whatever your Marsden would xoxo, Cersei xoxo's. So, we have to keep it very best episode of "Buffy".
Margo: Musical?
Eliot: The other one.

Margo: Why didn't you move?
Eliot: Acid carrots. Margo, you saved my actual life.
Margo: Hooray, you live to drink another day.

Margo: Jesus fuck a Wiseman's donkey!

Margo: Josh, where's that dishwasher?
Josh: Still in the armoire.
Eliot: Why is he in the armoire?
Josh: 'Cause I'm not good in a crisis, okay?
Eliot: How were you ever a drug dealer?

Margo: We've been trying to negotiate with the Fairy Queen for the last Key, but this is what we got back.
Bunny: Eat my ass!
Margo: We're not sure if...
Bunny: Eat my ass! Eat. My. Ass!
Margo: [Covers the bunny] If this was the Fairy Queen's response or this is one very kinky rabbit.

William: My hands are in a fucking box, so Chatwin's Torrent?
Eliot: I know that one. It's, um, it's a healing river.
William: Can it reattach hands?
Quentin: Maybe.
William: I'm going. I'll catch you on the flip.
[Starts to leave]
Quentin: Wait, no, I don't think you should be going alone.
Margo: I'll go.
[They look surprised]
Margo: Um, healing water? We're going to battle. I'll grab, like, a gallon.
[to Penny]
Margo: You're wiping your own ass, so figure that out.

Margo: [Josh is locking himself in a cage] I think you're overreacting.
Josh: I could have sexually assaulted you. Or ate you. I don't honestly know how things would have turned out.
Margo: That's no reason to give up, there's got to be a solution.
Josh: I've got, what, a couple of hours before the quickening takes over, and I'm sorry if that makes me a wimp or whatever, but i don't want to rape or murder anybody.
Margo: Oh come on, there are plenty of people who deserve to be kilt. I can think of a half-dozen at Brakebills alone. If you can just keep your twat together I'm sure I can get at least one of them down here. I mean Todd totally owes me.
Josh: He doesn't owe you his life.
Margo: Doesn't he?

Margo: Why the fuck are you taking a nap instead of looking for me?
Josh: Margo? I thought you were banished.
Margo: No, dumbass, I'm stuck in the Fairy Realm. How can I see you?
Josh: [Looks at his bong] Oh, shit, she must've mixed in the wrong strain. We wanted "bang like happy pandas", not "see other worlds". Never let an amateur pack your bong.

Margo: You're not leaving me in a castle full of barbarian frat bros.
Eliot: Okay, fine, but while we're talking about them, you could've been a little diplomatic.
Margo: By agreeing to marry a complete stranger on the spot?
Eliot: I did it.
Margo: ...That was different.
Eliot: [Scoffs] You're right, this would only really be equivalent if Ess was a girl, and you found pussy, you know, interesting in a sometimes- you-like-Thai-food kinda way, and now it's all Thai food forever till you die.

Eliot: We are officially a land of godless heathens, making today the first day of our societal adulthood. I, for one, am slightly terrified and equally excited. And trying not to break into "Hamilton". And so, I turn over the next phase of our maturation to our High Queen Margo.
Margo: We need a constitution.
Gillen: Pardon?
Margo: [Hands the counsel scrolls of paper] These are some pretty good ones here, so let's rip off the best parts.

William: Where are you?
Margo: Loria. Some canyon with these purple-ish rock things.
William: Rock things? What-...
Margo: Dicks, okay? They look like dicks.
William: [laughs] Uh, full-sail or half?
Margo: Honestly, it's a variety pack out there.

Eliot: Okay, so we're all in agreement. We should ask the lizard man.
Margo: What?
Eliot: The lizard man over there.
[Looks at an empty spot in the room]
Margo: Eliot. Honey, what are you on?
Eliot: Some pinks, a green, and a tab of something called "chocolate sunshine". I really like the name. Do you like the name?
[Glass shatters]
Eliot: Uh. Maybe I shouldn't have had that green.

Margo: [after Penny saves Quentin] You just had to let him save you, huh? You're such a girl.
Quentin: You know, I would like to see you dead regardless of your gender.

The: You're gonna try?
Margo: I'm gonna *do*.
The: If you get the least bit emotional, the spirits will possess you.
Margo: Clear on that.
The: And there'll be no man to protect you.
Margo: Story of my life.

Margo: [looking fearfully out of the car for Josh] Aaah! Son of a clit!
Josh: The ritual didn't work!
Margo: Oh, is that why you screamed and ran out of the car?
Josh: Just let me in, OK?
Margo: Why, so you can wolf-pun me to death?
Josh: No, I wanted to do things, but you're safe now, OK? It passed.
Margo: How?
Josh: I kind of turned a tree into a werewolf, if you know what I'm saying.
Margo: [Putting the gun away] Oh, got it.
Josh: It's not a permanent solution. It's enough to keep the urges off until we get to where we're going.
Margo: You mind telling me where that is, maple-dick?
Josh: Brakebills.

Margo: Democracy has to take a backseat. Without magic, the people are terrified, and that is just one step from an angry mob.
Eliot: And that's how royal heads end up in baskets. I get it. I get it.
Margo: This is an undereducated, pre-industrial populous, Eliot. They need to be ruled.
Eliot: They *need* to be inspired.
Margo: They need to *think* they're being inspired as they're being ruled.

Margo: What you're doing is very heroic. Now, I mean that. But what's the difference between a live hero and a dead moron?
Eliot: Food tasters?
Margo: No... One dumb decision. So when it's be brave or be smart... You know which one, okay?

Margo: [said to Quentin] It's the universe deep dicking us. Lie back and try to enjoy it.

Margo: What are we planning?
Quentin: Nothing yet. Just discussing how we're all probably gonna die before we even set foot in Fillory because the Neitherlands are full of mercenaries.
Margo: Sounds like a problem.
Quentin: Point is, we need some serious battle magic.
Margo: But that stuff's illegal.
[Quentin gives her a look]
Margo: I'm fucking with you. I'm in.
Eliot: I'm in too. I heard the word "illegal".

Margo: When I get back I'm gonna fix this. Benedict, you're gonna round up the guards. Tick, you're gonna go to that fairy-repelling hallway and you're gonna grind one of those bricks to dust. You're gonna put it in the Fairy Queen's bath and when that knocks her on her ass I'm gonna cut out her heart and eat it in front of every goddamn Fairy asshole in the Kingdom.
William: ...Damn. Girl, you get shit done.

Eliot: To our pretty corpses.
Margo: Goddamn gorgeous corpses. I'd fuck our corpses.

Eliot: What if they know about this in Loria? If I send Idri a message
Margo: Worst case he comes here, you look at him naked and cheer up a little.
Eliot: How dare you make me sound that shallow, but yes.

William: Come with me if you want to live.
Margo: Penny?
William: Yeah, sorry, Josh wanted me to say it. It seemed real important to him. C'mon.

Eliot: The gift to the elders footing the bill for the debauchery.
Margo: Right. What did we get them last year?
Eliot: An actual, working bag of dicks.
Margo: Right. It was lame.

Eliot: Use a first year spell to stop the Beast? That sounds like suicide.
Margo: Which I've already tried today, and, no thank you.

Margo: [to Prince Ess] You fucked with us.
Eliot: Mm-hmm, yes, he did.
Margo: You fucked with our castle.
Eliot: Amen, sister.
Margo: And now we're gonna put our Jimmy Choos so far up your ass, you're gonna taste next season.
Eliot: Exactly. Whatever that means.
Margo: The High King and I hereby declare war on the Kingdom of Loria!

Eliot: We have ourselves a bit of a Gene Hackman in "The Conversation".
Margo: I didn't see that one.
Eliot: Yeah, right, um... Someone is "xoxo, Gossip Girl"-ing our shit. Remember James Marsden in X-Men? Your Marsden is xoxo-ing us full on that great song by The Police.
Margo: That Fairuza Balk in "The Craft".
Eliot: Yeah, more Cersei Lannister.
Margo: Hey, glad I made you read those.
Eliot: ...Well, I read the Wiki.
[Margo gives him a look]
Eliot: What? Those books are like a million pages long. I have a life.

Margo: Eliot! If there's a tunnel with grandma, tell her to piss off and come back to me you selfish fuck get back here.

Margo: For whatever stupid reason, you're the high king of an entire land. You have to be responsible, Eliot.
Eliot: Since when are you, Filory Clinton?

Margo: Guess we're gonna die.
Eliot: To our pretty corpses.

Margo: While you were busy with your domestic issues, I managed to translate this Indonesian ritual and the good news is this is first-year Brakebills multi-culti elective crap, so we can definitely pull it off without breaking the magic bank. The only prob is finding one exotic ingredient.
Josh: What type of exotic are we talking about here?
Margo: We need a living Komodo dragon so we can cut out its heart. And I heard a rumor Kanye keeps one in his New York apartment.
Josh: That sounds on-brand.
Margo: Let's go.
Josh: Uh, wait. I have to give you something.
[Josh hands Margo a gun]
Josh: It's loaded with silver bullets. The quickening has started to do weird things to me, and, well, if I wolf out, you might need to stop me.
Margo: It's not going to come to that. I promise. Now come on, let's go steal Kanye's lizard.

Tick: The Morgan Downs, ma'am, could reach the Muntjac in a week. Without magical assistance, that's the best we can muster.
Margo: No, it is not the best we can muster! Follow me, dickholes.
[Storms out]
Gillen: ...Did she call us "dickholes"?

Fen: I'm pregnant. We're about to go into war. We need the king. I need my husband.
[Cries]
Margo: Well, you got me. I'm gonna take care of you and the kid. I will untangle this war shit somehow. I know the High King has the power, but I will hunt Ember to the ends of the world to have that stupid rule rewritten. Everything El promised, I'm gonna deliver.

[Alice quickly chugs a jar of Ember semen]
Margo: Did you Bogart the whole thing?

Quentin: What's Welters?
Eliot: The worst.
Margo: It's a game designed a billion years ago to keep students from killing each other in duels.
Eliot: It's like chess. Kind of. Not really. You use magic to take squares. It's terrible.
Quentin: I don't know. That sounds kind of fun.
Eliot: It's boring as death.
Margo: *You're* boring.

Tick: Are the fairies here right now?
Margo: They were. Now they've gone to tell the queen that we screwed the pooch right in the pooper.
Tick: ...That sounds painful.

The: No food, drinks, or any other intoxicants are allowed in the library at any time. That includes emotion bottles. Damage always ensues.
[Breaks the bottles]
The: You understand, of course.
Margo: [Freaking out, shrieking] I planned my whole outfit around that bottle!

Eliot: Hold on, so, on Earth, the fairies are slaves, and the Fairy Queen is...
Quentin: A good guy, kind of?
Margo: Uh-uh, you know what? Fuck Tinkerbitch. Fuck her right in the Egg McMuffin.

Tick: By order of High King Fen, Margo of tribe Hansen is forever banished, never again to step upon the soil of Fillory, never again to breathe its air or feel its magic.
Margo: Oh, get on with it.
[Gets branded]
Margo: Son of a pig fucker!
Tick: Perfect words to remember you by.

Margo: I'll take that.
[Takes Quentin's wine]
Quentin: Oh, no, wait, I'm - - I'm not done.
Margo: I think you were.
[Pours it out]
Quentin: Not cool. Those grapes died for nothing now.
Margo: Those grapes died so you might live. Because if you keep drinking, I will seriously cut a bitch.

Margo: Fen? Are you okay? Sweetie, do you know where you are?
Josh: A plane laid atop our own, so the Fairy Castle and Whitespire actually occupy the same space and time, but two dimensions. Or possibly the same dimension, but incredibly sped up like that one episode of "Star Trek".

Margo: There's this thing about you, Q. You actually believe in magic.
Quentin: So does everyone.
Margo: No. We all knows it's real, but you believe in it. And you just love it, pure and simple.

Margo: You don't need a wife. You need a pile of socks and a sex-ed class.
Prince: What's a sex class? Who's Ed?

Margo: What did you do?
Fairy: I was moved by your speech to the Muntjac; coming to her defense. So, I decided to intervene. We got what we needed from these pirates.
Margo: What?
Fairy: You stood up to them. You were a queen. That's who I need you to be. The next time they don't plant a field of mushrooms for you, remember this room.

Alice: You should be happy. Less competition.
Margo: I like competition.

Eliot: Only a creature from the land TV forgot would think anybody would fall for how shocking and original this is.
Margo: So you don't think Fray is your daughter?
Eliot: Do you see any resemblance?
Margo: I see your wife swooning.
Eliot: Three hours ago, my wife was burping a log.

Margo: He's a man. Who seems arrogant and entitled and unclear on the concept of consent. I can't imagine what could possibly go wrong.
Eliot: Look, I'm not saying do it. It's just - You're a queen. I'm a king. We don't necessarily marry for love. It's part of the job.
Margo: Fine, I'll talk to him, but only to negotiate us out of this epic clusterfuck. I'm staying a virgin.

Margo: I just wanna stab someone.
Eliot: I haven't heard you this bloodthirsty in--well, not that long, but still, it's notable.

Margo: What do we know about these Neitherlands? I don't remember them from the "Fillory" books.
Quentin: There's not much. In "The Wandering Dune", Jane and Rupert meet this talking dromedary named Cameltoes...
Eliot: No. Seriously? Amazing.
Quentin: It was 1943. It wasn't a dirty thing to say back then.

Margo: Listen, dipshit, you have to find Rafe, the squirrely little prick who works for the sloth. He got me here. He can get me back.
Josh: You could say "please".
Margo: No, I literally could not. I'm going to go find Fen. You find a goddamn way to get me back.

Margo: It's not over yet. We're gonna "Endgame" this shit.
Eliot: When did you have time to see Endgame?

Margo: I'm your queen, motherfuckers!

Margo: Once we nab prints and drop the wards, you travel straight in.
William: You really don't think a bank vault, of all places, has anti-traveler protection?
Margo: Oh, they do. The entire floor of the vault is one big anti-traveling sigil. You get locked in till you run out of air.
William: Yeah. Pass. I like air.
Margo: Relax, dummy. You only get stuck if you hit the floor.
Quentin: Oh, so it's like "Mission: Impossible".
Eliot: That movie was stupidly unrealistic. It's so much easier to just levitate.

Margo: What if we got guns?
Quentin: What? No. No, look, this is basic prime directive. Fillory is a pristine, non-industrialized society. You can't-...
Eliot: Oh, yes, very pristine. It's been taken over by a kiddie-diddling mutant.
Quentin: Yeah, and that's not Fillory's fault.
Margo: Great. Let's go native. Scale of one to ten, how are you with a broadsword, Quentin?

Eliot: Tick, if I did this, how popular would I be?
Tick: No king has ever volunteered for one-on-one combat. If you were to prevail, you would easily be the greatest leader in Fillorian history.
Heloise,9148: The greatest.
Margo: God, he's already seeing the statues.

Margo: I'm sure by now you've realized Brakebills teaches us to be arch and ironic about magic. But this one plays it serious.
Eliot: You must bare yourself in the presence of another magical adept and expose your highest-governing internal circumstance, which is to say, your utmost truth. You have till midnight.

Fairy: [after half the castle is turned into rats] That wasn't the fairies.
Margo: Oh. Well, it sure smells like their whimsical bullshit.
Fairy: [Scoffs] "Whimsical". It's the mark of the stupid and the arrogant to attack what you can't comprehend.
Margo: Fine. Get it out of your system. Then if you know what's going on, just tell me.
Fairy: I take it back. You're not entirely simple-minded. There's another power, which you made the mistake of overlooking.
Margo: You want to be specific, or not?
Fairy: A power without logic. A power that acts, not for gain, but solely because it can. That's the true danger. Face that. Or face the end of your kingdom.

Margo: [Wearing robe and mask] Oh, Manon! We offer up this virgin. Flesh and blood.
Quentin: Jesus, I'm not a virgin.
Margo: [Takes mask off] Huh. Life is full of surprises.

Margo: I'm talking curfew, martial law, conscription, and severe and public punishment.
Eliot: Okay. Can we maybe make our way to King and Queen Caligula, please?

Eliot: Why does everything smell so great?
Margo: Because your doppel-banger hasn't met cocaine yet.

Quentin: The thing that attacked us; that ripped the Dean's eyes out, seems like it might be from Fillory.
Margo: Jesus. That is not tonally consistent with the books.
Quentin: No, it's not. And that - I just - I - I find that devastating.
Margo: Were you planning a trip there?
Quentin: No.
Margo: Really. Because, otherwise, you're literally torturing yourself over a fairy tale. Quentin, you passed the first trial. You live to fight another day. Drink up. Go to the party. Find someone to bang. Celebrate the world you're in, dummy.

Rafe: Abigail would remind you that money cannot fill the Wellspring. Without it, Fillory withers.
Margo: Okay, well, we talked about this. When someone drops a log at a public pool, you just send a kid with a net to fish it out.
Gillen: The befouling was substantial, Your Majesty. We've employed several filtration systems, but the Wellspring isn't recovering fast enough.
Tick: If there was a royal appeal to Ember himself-...
Margo: Okay, we can't find him. He's not in his temple or his filthy sex cave.

Julia: I'm sure this is important, but I almost killed somebody and somehow froze her in time. And I'm not sure what to do next so just give me a sec.
Margo: Well, we're chained to a boat about to go over a waterfall.
Eliot: Yeah, complete with lacerating rocks. So.
Quentin: Oh shit. The infinite waterfalls.
Eliot: Not helping.

Margo: I seriously underestimate you sometimes, you know that?
Fen: Yeah, no, I know that.

Tick: We are very, very lucky Her Majesty the Fairy Queen is so persuasive with the Pegasi. They can be most quarrelsome creatures.
Margo: I smell like a horse fucked a bird.
Fairy: Actually, it was the other way around.

Fairy: Lumbricus Campestris.
Margo: Don't tell me. Feather of a left-handed crow? Butterfly with PMS this time? Turtle semen with a rosemary garnish?
Fairy: It's a type of earthworm. It lives abundantly in the grounds around the castle. Collect them all.

Margo: I've been on the inside, and I'm telling you, its a goddamn goose-stepping, Fairy-snatching, ethnic cleansing Gestapo.
Eliot: To be fair, the ethnic cleansing happened after the Dark King left, so...
Margo: He's innocent because he delegates?
Eliot: No, that's not what I'm saying. Someone in this castle ordered the hunt on that Fairy. It could have been the Dark King, but if it was someone else, killing Seb just might make things worse. So we have to find out who before we
[pauses]
Eliot: ... coup.

Margo: We agreed to have the prisoner executed today.
Eliot: We did. But I changed my mind.
Margo: Well, I didn't. And I'm High Queen.
Tick: The queen may voice her opinion, but ultimate judgement belongs to the king.
Margo: So this is what the patriarchy smells like? It's not the freshest.

Prince: I'm shockingly progressive for a Lorian. We get married, I'd still let you speak in public. I'd make sure that you-...
Margo: Jesus, I'm not marrying you.
Prince: You think I wanna marry a virgin? This is purely political.
Margo: Oh, my God. I'm not a virgin.

Margo: Think back to what you built with your brother Umber.
Ember: My brother, rest his soul, was nothing but a simpering, sniping, anal retentive critic, as well as a - -
[Cut to Umber]
Nigel: Greedy, promiscuous, selfish, credit-hogging, mouse-eating slob!

Margo: It's fucking Fox News.
Sivart: Foxes all lie. Who'd ever believe their news?

Eliot: A duel? With Ess's dad?
Margo: El-...
Eliot: He's gotta be at least 50. And I'm pretty buff from all the living without technology or decent wine.
Margo: Slow down.
Eliot: [to the council] Is there any rule about not using magic?
Rafe: No, Your Majesty.
Tick: Highness, if I may, there is a reason we haven't brought up this, uh, option before, especially since magic is not completely dependable. Simply put, you're likely to well... die.

Eliot: I don't belong here. I'm not ready to be a king. I wasn't done being me.
[sighs]
Eliot: It was so much simpler when there was just one giant evil dick trying to kill us. Now we're just
Margo: Grown-ups.

Eliot: Jesus. Alice has gone full Harry Potter part seven/eight over there.
Margo: God, I hope we're winning.

Eliot: Really good to see you again, Q, but, um, why am I looking at the Hedgebitch who tried to kill you?
Quentin: We worked it out. I wouldn't be here without her, so...
Julia: I'm here. You don't have to like me.
Margo: Oh, don't you worry. We don't.

Josh: Fillory's at war.
Eliot: What...
Margo: ...The fuck?
Josh: I know, we are literally Questing through a war-torn country. So epic.

Margo: If those horses get us there before The Beast, I'll gladly fuck them both.
Eliot: Hey. Shh. Careful. Volume. I think those are talking horses.
Margo: [Looks at them] Offer stands.

Eliot: [about his golem] Me likey.
Margo: You're thinking about banging yourself, aren't you?
Eliot: Shh, shh, shh. No, no. Doing your clone is more like AP-level masturbation.

Eliot: [Watching Quentin do a strange sort of dance] Um Remind me again what summoning Alice's niffin has to do with tai chi... I mean, ballet.
Margo: It's niffin bait. You have to call to them at their point of their transformation with something personal.
Eliot: Oooh. It's a sex thing.
Quentin: No, it's Cirque Du Soleil. You know Cirque Du Soleil?
Eliot: You and Alice had sex to Cirque Du Soleil?

Dean: This is a Cacodemon.
Quentin: Jesus.
Dean: They'll grow much bigger. Unleash these and believe me, they'll keep The Beast plenty busy. Each of you will be given a special word to command your Cacodemon to attack. They're a one-shot weapon, so pick your moment with care.
Quentin: What are you, uh, gonna do with it?
Dean: Lift your shirt, Quentin, and turn around.
Margo: Oh. Those words never led to anything good. Well, almost never.

Margo: We're trying too hard.
Eliot: Pardon?
Margo: To just blow past it and banter. It's not the same. Let's not pretend it is, okay? That makes it hurt worse.
Eliot: I guess we'll just have to live with the strain till the future reveals itself. Meantime, that future is going to be a big, blank, post-apocalyptic nada unless we do what we do best.
Margo: Act out with a total lack of empathy and impulse control?
Eliot: Party like the world depends on it, 'cause Bambi One Eye, it do.

Margo: I keep waiting for Eliot to come back, but maybe he never will. That bunny I sent him was return-to-sender. For all I know, he's dead. And him and Penny are blowing each other in Heaven.
[Penny makes a face]

William: I'm gonna take you someplace safe, but if I have to shoot you to get you there, I will make sure it hurts.
Margo: Gee, thanks, but I'm enchanted.
[Penny shots an arrow at her]
Margo: Aah!
William: Your enchantment's weak.
Margo: Aah! You shot me, you cock!
Quentin: Why didn't you shoot her in the neck? The carotid is right there.

Margo's: I begged you to stay. Margo, I - I needed you. You broke my heart. The only way I could repair it was to create my golem of you.
Eliot: A golem of Margo. A Margolem.
Margo: You selfish prick! You put my life at risk so you could have a realistic-looking sex doll?
Margo's: No, no, no. I - I wanted a relationship. Margo I love you. And sometimes the only thing that we do is spoon and...
Margo: [Groans] You're gross. I'm taking the Margolem, and I'm going to destroy it, and I hope no one ever spoons you again.

Eliot: That is what's left of the third-year class. Were 20, now 4. No one knows why.
Quentin: They're just gone?
Margo: Mm, rumor has it, killed.
Eliot: Or flunked or got bored or died 16 perfectly natural deaths. Whatever. We all signed this waiver. I hope you read yours. It says, "Spellwork is not unlikely to murder you, and, if so, oh, well".

Margo: I'm just glad we managed to sneak the gollum out. Is it me or is morgue security ridiculously lax?
Quentin: Well I don't think stealing corpses is generally a thing.
Margo: Should be. Kinda fun.

Margo: So this is a little hitch in our adventure. Are we just gonna act like children now?
Eliot: Now, now, Bambi. He's got a right to be mad.
Margo: No, he doesn't. People don't get to be mad at me because I had sex with them. You're welcome, both of you.

Margo: Eliot?
Eliot: Yeah, according to the fine print not actually written down, I have a virgin farm girl to impregnate.
Margo: Right this second?
Eliot: This very one. Best of luck, all. You're welcome.
[Holds hand out to Fen]
Eliot: Mrs. Me?
[They leave]
William: If I die while he's balling himself limp, I will haunt the shit out of his ass.

Margo: Why does a veterinarian have a pirate-themed eyepatch?
Gordy: Maybe it's best we don't ask a lot of follow-up questions.

Margo: This magic gin better make us see unicorns that fart rainbows.

Margo: When was the last time either of us dealt with a political insurgency?
Eliot: Unless getting kicked out of a fivesome counts.

Margo: How much further to this knifemaker? These shoes weren't cobbled for a quest.

Margo: The fairies can bring back the Wellspring?
Fairy: They can.
Margo: And in return?
Fairy: A royal child of Whitespire.
Margo: The fairies want a baby? They aren't gonna eat it, are they?
Fairy: It'll be raised as a fairy. It'll know great knowledge, and even greater power.
Margo: Well I'm not loving this, but I could get knocked up.

William: Listen, whatever you do, do not sit on your throne, okay?
Margo: Fine. Whatevs.I have a plan.
[Picking berries]
Margo: You gonna help me pick these?
William: What's this? An antidote?
Margo: Exactly. For the poison.
William: For the what?
Margo: For the poison. I have to drink it first, or I won't get Eliot to take it. Jesus. You're acting like this is your first regicide. Also, it's not the thrones that are cursed. I sat on mine, and I'm totally fine.

Margo: [Researching] What is this?
Eliot: It's Arabic.
Margo: I flunked Arabic.
Eliot: I got an A. Well, partly because I paid for the exam answers in nipple clamps.

Fairy: Where are the worms? Don't tell me you sent someone out to do your work.
Margo: I'm a delegator. It's a leadership quality. You've clearly mastered it.

Margo: I brought you to support me while I fight with my ex, not do lines with the golem.
Eliot: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this is how we support each other.
Margo: Is there something you want to say to me, Eliot?
Eliot: No. What is there to say? I like your golem. Life is a unicorn shitting rainbows of candy.

Margo: Why am I staring at a plate of half-eaten nachos?
Eliot: A question I've asked myself very often at three a.m.

Margo: I look like Jack Sparrow if he were played by a man.
Eliot: I was actually thinking more like a fem bot Nick Fury.

Quentin: "The Tale of the Seven Keys," chapter eight. The Knight remained imprisoned at the Castle at the End of the World. Not even a warrior as great as he could break the bonds placed on him by the Witch. He could not escape. But his daughter, now every bit the knight her father was, and more so, never gave up. She fought monsters, real and imagined, without as well as within. She had won all seven keys, and now she set sail for the Castle at the End of the World.
Margo: Okay, tick-tock. Does it say where the castle is?
Eliot: [Engrossed in the story] Shh, Bambi. Let him read.

Josh: [about Fillory] It was magical.
[chuckles]
Josh: I mean, more magical than Brakebills, like going from black and white to color. V and I had a threesome with a naiad. This guy Donnie, he had sex with a talking horse. I mean, it's not exactly taboo in Fillory since the animals can give consent, but we were all still a bit squicked out.
Margo: We get it. You fucked some animals.

Josh: I'm starting to see why no one's ever beaten this curse. It's like herpes - cockroach-in-a-nuclear-war-level impossible to stomp out.
Margo: Well, I found some shit on a ritual from an Indonesian tribe. It's supposed to prevent supernatural transformations. Or maybe cause them, my Indonesian sucks.
Josh: [Phone dings] Uber alert. You know, these surge prices are really getting out - oh, no. Oh, no no no no no!
Margo: OK, surge prices piss me off too, but are you all right?
Josh: I've always been up front about my L-positive status with any potential partners before... anything happens.
Margo: What's that have to do with Uber?
Josh: Isaac wasn't.
Margo: Oh. So how many people did Isaac do doggy style?
Josh: Just one. And I'm going to go warn her now. Uh huh! Yep! What a fun day!

Eliot: Wait, what about a human sacrifice?
Margo: No.
[pause]
Margo: Unless the cakes are bad.

Knight: As you know, only a Child Of Earth can wear the crown of the High King. I will ask you a series of questions designed to root out all pretenders to the throne. Only a true High King will hold the answers in his heart.
Eliot: Come at me.
Knight: [Dramatic pause] ... What popular American television program stars actor Tim Daly?
Eliot: What the fuck?
Alice: He was in a lot of TV shows.
Knight: There is only one correct answer.
Eliot: Okay. Give me the next question.
Knight: This hit single is performed by offspring of famous entertainers.
Margo: Dude, that is crazy vague.

Margo: Celebrate the world you're in dummy!

Eliot: We were all messed up on emotion magic. We deserve a pass.
Margo: I don't need a pass.
Quentin: You two have ruined my life.
Margo: No offense, Quentin, but I think you did that all yourself.

Margo: Penny's dead?
Tick: Was he not already?
Benedict: I can't believe it.
William: Thank you, finally!
Benedict: He was my best friend.
William: ...Okay, I mean, all right.
Margo: [Sadly] I guess I always thought someday we were gonna bang.
William: Me, too, girl. Me, too.

Chistopher: When he was still a child, Fillory stopped taking him. Once he found his way back, he made it his mission to stay. He'd heard about The Wellspring, the most ancient location in Fillory.
Margo: Which is what?
Chistopher: The source of all magic. It's not only stronger than Ember and Umber, it created them. Fillory runs on it. Martin goes every night to drink from it, draining it a little more each time. The Wellspring's magic is so strong it killed every human thing in him. There's only The Beast now.

Quentin: What's so funny?
Margo: You with a crossbow. You couldn't hit a fat girl with a fat-girl-seeking arrow.
[Quentin raises an eyebrow]
Margo: Oh, don't give me that look. It's a figure of speech.
Quentin: No way in hell I'll miss you from this range.
Margo: Well, if you use that arrow as good as you use your dick...

Margo: Quentin should have left you in your little hedge hole, trading rim jobs for spells.
Julia: You actually think because you go to this bullshit school that you're better than me.
Margo: I think that I didn't get my friends killed.
Julia: You don't have friends. You have people that are so afraid of you they'd rather be on your side. There's a difference.
Margo: And you have no one. And you deserve no one.
Julia: Look, I don't expect you to care 'cause this doesn't directly affect your hair or your social life, but since you let Reynard free, he has murdered over a dozen women, and this book might be my last shot at killing him.

Margo: Christ on a god damn communion wafer!
Josh: It's like I'm caught in a real-life game of Marry, Fuck, Kill, only marry is off the table!
Margo: What are you going to do about it?
Josh: I have no goddamn clue. Why do you think I'm sitting here with my head in my hands; the traditional Hoberman despair position?
Margo: OK, then here's a plan. We're going to fix this bullshit.
Josh: I don't want to add to your problems, Margo.
Margo: So because of that you're just going to sit back and just let this shit happen to you? Huh? This ain't prom night. The only thing I know for sure is you're not going to fix anything if you nutsack out on me.
Josh: I won't... nutsack out.
Margo: Good. That's what I want to hear. Because we are going to find a way out of this thing. Or we're going to die trying.

Margo: Eliot. We said we'd do whatever actually works.
Eliot: Fine. I'll tell the council in the morning. But I'll do it. The man's life is my burden to bear.
Margo: Get over yourself, Ned Stark.

Eliot: I'm Eliot, High King of Fillory.
Bayler: And I'm Bayler, a proud soldier of Fillorians United. A FU fighter.
Margo: ...Did you say, "Foo Fighter"?
Eliot: Margo, behave.

The: Penny, Alice, Eliot, and Janet, you are all late.
Margo: Actually, it's Margo.
The: This time.

Eliot: Okay, okay, okay, okay, um... okay. You watched "Battlestar", right?
Margo: Yeah, I love when they do terrorism allegory with mostly white people.
Eliot: Mm-hmm. You remember Grace Park in season one?
Margo: Of course, best storyline.
Eliot: Why?
Margo: Duh... because she was actually...
Eliot: You're Grace Park. Okay? You're Grace Park, Margo.
Margo: [gasps] I'm Grace Park.
Eliot: Yeah. And we have ourselves a bit of a Gene Hackman in The Conversation.
Margo: I didn't see that one.
Eliot: Yeah, right, um... Someone is xoxo, Gossip Girl-ing our shit. Remember James Marsden in X-Men, hm? Your Marsden is xoxo-ing us full on that great song by The Police.
Margo: That Fairuza Balk in The Craft.
Eliot: Yeah, more Cersei Lannister.
Margo: Hey, glad I made you read those.
Eliot: [pause] Well, I read the Wiki.
[Margo gives him a look]
Eliot: What? Those books are like a million pages long. I have a life.
Margo: [unimpressed] Okay.
Eliot: Anyway, whatever your Marsden would xoxo, Cersei xoxo's. So, we have to keep it very best episode of Buffy.
Margo: [excited] Musical?
Eliot: The other one.
Margo: Okay. How do we Lizzie Borden the shit out of this thing? 'Cause I am about ready to go full '07 Britney.
Eliot: Maybe we could've back when this place was Pottered up.
Margo: Still. Even without a wand, Harry would figure some shit out.
Eliot: [pause] Honestly, I didn't quite finish those books either...
Margo: Our Harry, I mean.
Eliot: Oh! Him. Well, he'd...
[It suddenly dawns on him what Margo's thinking]
Margo: Mm-hmm.
Eliot: Consult the creepy pedophile. Mmm.

Eliot: We're at war. Also, Fillory is seriously, dangerously, stone-cold broke.
Quentin: Wait, how is that even possible? The Nugget Beetles of the Outer Islands, they literally shit precious stones.
Margo: Going extinct, apparently. Ember shitting in the power grid really screwed us in a cornucopia of ways.
Eliot: And before you ask, yes, every alchemist in history is a lying, cheating illusionist.

Margo: Fairy Queen bitch thinks she can break me with a few days' time out on Eliot's party boat?
Tick: Your Majesty, upon our return to Whitespire, might I suggest a hot bath to relax yourself?
Margo: I can't, because that chalky twat won't get out of my tub.

Margo: What is the problem here? I asked for two simple things. Pull up the fields, plant some goddamn mushrooms.
Tick: If you will allow me to "mansplain", Your Highness, the farmers are hesitant because you're asking them to throw out food and replace it with, uh...
Margo: Inedible mushrooms, I got it. And mansplaining is a bad thing, Tick.
Tick: But I'm a man. Explaining. Is that not mansplaining? Perhaps you could woman-splain it to me.

Margo: She has a quality.
Eliot: Called unearned imperiousness.
Margo: Your defining characteristic.
[Eliot gives her a dirty look]
Margo: Until you earned it.

Dryad: The rulers of Fillory have a long and tragic history of arboreal disrespect.
Margo: Yeah, okay. Look, it's a new day. We're a kinder, gentler Fillory. So we need to settle some unrest with our Lorian neighbors.
Dryad: Settle unrest. You mean wage war.

Margo: [Crowning Quentin] Uh, I could start by saying something cruel yet totally hilarious about you. Let's be real, you're an easy target. But that's - well, that's because you're honest about what you love. And underneath it all, that's inspiring. And I'm sorry too. Not about the sex, I don't even really remember it. Mostly my part in fucking up something that was good for you.
Quentin: Thanks, I think I fucked it up just fine myself.
Margo: Now that we're ruling a kingdom together, I hope we can be whatever we were again.
Quentin: I guess you could call that friends.
Margo: Let's go with that. I hereby crown you King Quentin the Moderately Socially Maladjusted.

Margo: Vaginas. The leading cause of death in men. They spread disease. They explode during childbirth. But worst of all, they bleed. Every month. In fact, mine's doing it right now.
Prince: Well, that's okay. I like blood.
Margo: [Is stunned for a second, then comes up with an idea] But do you like teeth?