100 Best David Rose Quotes

Moira: I'm so happy that I wrestled you away today for this... oenological escapade. I finally have you all to myself, David. When's the last time you and I had a whole day together with nary a care in the world?
David: I mean, I am in the middle of planning a wedding, while also building a successful retail empire.
Moira: Yes you are. Then grant me this precious moment before there's a ring on your finger, to say chin-chin to you and your husband-to-be.
David: This feels remarkably selfless.
Moira: You and Patrick are two good grapes.
David: Hmm.
Moira: Different notes, different tannins, but... together, you've managed to make one perfect blend.
David: Thank you.

Patrick: I'd like to dedicate this next song to a very special someone in my life. There he is right over there. David Rose.
Moira: [David rolls his eyes] Just tell me when and I'll pull the fire alarm.
David: Okay!
Moira: [Moira puts her hand on David's shoulder. He's smitten by him] Wow!

David: [moving Alexis' suitcase] Well, I need this bed. I need it, so.
Alexis: [moving it back and forth as they argue] You know what, David? You get murdered first for once.
David: No, you get murdered first.
Alexis: David, you get murdered first.
David: No, you. You do it.
Alexis: Yes, you get murdered first.
[in their room, Johnny and Moira hear them through the wall]
Alexis: David, you get murdered first.

Alexis: So?
[Short pause]
Alexis: Stop! So?
[Short pause]
Alexis: You slept with Stevie!
David: What? Did dad tell the whole motel?
Alexis: No, but I heard through the wall. He was doing his high pitched voice. So, was it cute for you or what?
David: It was cute.
[short pause]
David: Fun but cute.

David: [Looking at his missing poster] This photo was taken before my rhinoplasty? How would anybody have recognized me?

Moira: These rooms did have doors, didn't they?
Johnny: Yeah, it's a hotel. They're hotel rooms.
David: It's a motel. These are motel rooms.
Alexis: What if they took our stuff?
David: What stuff? There's no stuff to take.
Moira: I have stuff.
Johnny: [giving the door jamb a once-over] Son of a bitch!

David: I have had worse things in my mouth.

David: [Standing on the chair] Everyone? I would just like to say a big congratulations to Team Cabaret. You guys were awesome. Speaking of love...
Roland: [Raspy voice] Somebody got engaged!
David: Speaking of love, I'm so glad that you're all here because Patrick and I have an announcement to make.
Jocelyn: [Very drunk] They're getting married!
David: Jocelyn! I'm the one standing on the chair! Two years ago I went to fill out some paperwork for my business license and little did I know I would meet the love of my
[Moira's phone starts ringing]
David: MY. GOD!
Moira: Sorry, this is me. It's probably press. I'm sorry David I have to take this. I already know about your engagement!
[blows David kisses]
Ronnie: So you're engaged to him?
David: Okay, so this shouldn't be so hard!
Alexis: Oh my god, David spit it out!
David: Oh my god! Fine! I met someone who changed my life and I don't know what I would do without him? So yes, we all know that Patrick and I are engaged!
Moira: NO! NO! NO!
Stevie: My God!
Johnny: [Everyone runs into the other room to find Moira collapsed on the floor] If it's a bad review Moira I wouldn't trust local critics.
Moira: They shelved the Crowing! It's over.
[Moira crawls into a closet, shuts the door and starts crying]
Johnny: [Standing in front of the closet door] Show's over people! Nothing here to see.
David: Okay everyone if you can just leave your champagne flutes here. Unless you still want to make a toast?
[Patrick shakes his head no]
David: Okay just leave your champagne flutes here. Thank you!

David: Thank you for a wonderful ride.
Roland: You know, I'm starting to get the impression that you're upset.
David: [sarcastically] What would make you think that?
Roland: Well, I first noticed it when Heart came on and nobody was taking the high parts...

David: [Inside Stevie's Apartment] Come in! Come in! Make yourself at home. There's nothing in the fridge, and I marked the booze so I'll know if you touch it!
Patrick: I noticed the line is a couple of inches above where the whiskey starts!
David: I am stunned by your generosity... where are you going?
Stevie: Out to a spa
Patrick: Which she already told us so maybe just thank her!
David: I did. I thanked her multiple times. Where is this spa?
Patrick: DAVID! Let it go okay!
David: [Knocking on the door] Are you expecting anybody?
Stevie: No, I wasn't.
Jake: [Walking in the door] Hey Pony! Are you ready to go?
Stevie: What are you doing? I told you I would meet you outside!
Jake: I thought I would help you with your bags... David?
David: Pony?
Jake: It's been a while.
[Attempts to kiss David]
Jake: You look good!
[David yanks his face away from Jake's face and hides behind Patrick]
Jake: Who's this guy?
David: That's my... that's?
Patrick: Patrick!
David: Patrick!
Patrick: And you are?
Jake: Picking up Stevie.
Stevie: We're going to go!
Patrick: So you're not giving me a name?
David: So what do you two have planned for tonight?
Jake: Well, it's date night so we're going to spend it in the woods.
David: So you're going to go to the woods to ride your pony! not a spa! So I'd take it that you to are...
Stevie: Still seeing each other, yes!
Jake: When we all broke up Stevie came to end it officially but it didn't stick.
David: It didn't stick. So you're still riding your pony. So, you offering your apartment didn't have anything to do with any guilt you felt with harboring a little secret?
Stevie: Nope! I'm just trying to be a good person so we're going to go.
Jake: Unless you two want to come with us?
Patrick: Nope!
David: I don't think so!
Jake: You do you.
Patrick: See you, man!
[David scratches Patrick's arm like a cat]
Patrick: So, we're going to talk about this right?
David: I'll just get that bottle!
Patrick: Whiskey right?
David: Yeah, the whiskey!

David: You know, I'm not sure I'm even ready to come home yet.
Aaron: And, uet, your time with us has come to an end.
David: OK.
Aaron: These three days you spent with us David, will remain in our memories for many days, and many, many, many nights.
David: Thank you for your kindness, when no one else showed me kindness. And compassion, when no one else showed...
Johnny: Excuse me, son. Uh, I imagine it's customary for strangers to partake in a good, old fashioned Amish lunch?
Aaron: Not always. Have a safe trip.

David: [as he's walking over to Patrick] I love our relationship. I love it when you kiss me, I love it when you order pizza for me, I love it when you say things like INVENTORY! I love it when you put those stupid rubber things on your fingers because you think that it helps you turn the pages faster. But it really doesn't.

Patrick: How was your 6th shower? And your 7th shower?
David: It was good.
Patrick: Well, I found something that I think will help you with your problem. Can we take divorce off of the table?
David: Did you put a piece of plastic down on the mattress?
Patrick: Actually they're plastic sheets that my mother gave me before I moved here. I just wanted you to get used to the idea. It's a really expensive mattress!
David: More expensive than my dignity?
Patrick: David! There's nothing to be embarrassed about! I love you!
David: I'm glad one of us does!

Johnny: Oh good, I'm so glad you two are still here. We're going to need your room so pack up!
Alexis: Um no!
David: Absolutely not!
Johnny: The motel is sold out and we're unable to remove a body and disinfect room 4 in time for check-in.
David: Okay, every word of that sentence made me sick!
Moira: I agree with David. We must move on from all of this.
David: Did I say that?
Moira: There's no use wasting time finding out what happened?
Johnny: We're not trying to find out what happened Moira. We're trying to find a solution and I'm going to need to family's help
Alexis: Why can't they stay in your room?
Johnny: It will take a day just to rebox your mother"s wigs!
Moira: Oh my god! Can you imagine? Not one of you is trained!
Johnny: Okay, bottom line is we need your room so pack your things and we're going to set you up in our room!
Moira: Okay, I've never just packed a bag so you might just have to give me a minute.
Alexis: Yes, and I'm going to be sleeping somewhere else!
David: Same!
Alexis: Like literally anywhere else.
David: Like an old tent on the side of the highway.
Johnny: Alright enough let's just get going, please.
Moira: Yes! Yes! Plenty of work to be done. Unfortunately, my previous engagements preclude me from offering my beneficence around the motel today! JOHN I HATE TO LEAVE YOU LIKE THIS!
Johnny: Yeah, I know Moira! Busy! Busy! I want to room cleaned up in an hour!
David: Okay, I'm going to need some dry cleaning bags and a padlock.

Moira: [Sniffeling] Good evening everybody! Welcome to the wedding of Patrick Brewer and David Rose! We are gathered here today to celebrate the love of two people whose lives were ostensively brought together by fateful butterfly wings. It's hard to understand why things happen the way that they do? Our lives are like little bebe crows carried upon a curious wind and all we can wish is for that wind place us on solid ground. And it has done this for our family in this small town in the middle of nowhere?
David: [Whispering] Okay, I think we're good!
Moira: And now I will ask David Rose and Patrick...
David: Brewer
Moira: Brewer to exchange their vows!
Patrick: David, I can't believe this is happening. So, I'll keep this very short because I think you know that I would climb a thousand mountains for you. You will always be a part of me,
[singing]
Patrick: and I'm a part of you indefinitely. Boy, don't you know you can't escape me, 'cause you know you'll always be my baby. and we'll linger on, time can't erase a feeling this strong, no way you'll ever shake me, ooh, darling 'cause you'll always be my baby!
Moira: David?
David: Uh, yes. Patrick, I have never liked a smile as much as I like yours. I've never felt as safe as I feel when I'm with you. I've never known love like I do when we're together. It's not been an easy road for me but knowing that you will be there for me at the end makes everything okay. Patrick Brewer you are my happy ending.
Moira: [David takes Patrick's ring out of his pocket and slips in on his finger] Patrick do you take David to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Patrick: I do.
Moira: [Patrick takes David's ring and slips it on his finger] David
[shouting]
Moira: do you take Patrick to be your lawfully wedded husband?
David: I do!
Moira: I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss each other.
Johnny: [as everybody is walking out of the town hall] You did such a great job, sweetheart. I don't know how you do it?
Moira: There's a time and a place for sentimentality and your only son's wedding is hardly the time or the place.

David: Did you know that, according to IMDb, Rosa Parks was on an episode of"Touched by an Angel"?

Johnny: [calling Moira to ask why she isn't at Twyla's Murder Mystery Party] Well, the way Twyla keeps asking about you, I'm pretty sure that YOU'RE the murderer!
David: Then, they'll never catch me.
[hangs up phone]

Johnny: You know I meant to ask, Moira, what were the amenities like in that hotel room? High-pressured water, down pillows?
Moira: I'll never know. I had my one chance at a proletarian oasis and I squandered it, passed out in Roland's bed.
Alexis: [walking into her parents' room] You slept with Roland?
Johnny: No, she didn't. She found herself in his bed.
David: Mom slept with Roland?
Alexis: Yes. Apparently.
Moira: I will not be tried and condemned by the likes of you two.
David: So what's gonna happen now? Is there gonna be like a custody battle over us?
Johnny: David, stop.
Alexis: We gonna have to like spend weekends over at Roland's now, or?
Moira: Goodnight, Alexis.
David: Do we call him Uncle Roland?
Johnny: All right, that's enough, David.
Alexis: No. I mean, I get it, Roland is the mayor, and it's very difficult to work with someone who you're attracted to.
David: Yeah. Like you and Ted?
Alexis: No! I'm making fun of Mom and Dad right now, David.
Johnny: And we're done. Back to your room.
David: Um, I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.
Johnny: Good night.
David: Okay.

Stevie: Well, the Lover's Curry was a mistake. I know that Patrick should have told you about his past dating history. But why didn't you ask him about his
David: His past dating history?
Stevie: His past dating history?
David: Because historically speaking the more and more I talked about my dating history the less and less interested they became in me.

Patrick: I have to say this isn't the first time that I was put to work by the Rose family. In high school, I worked at a Rose Video.
Johnny: Get out of town! What branch?
Patrick: 785
Johnny: 785? Impressive late fees!
Patrick: Thank you.
Stevie: Wow!
David: How did I not know that you worked at a Rose Video store?

David: Will you stop doing that! You're making me nervous!
Alexis: I've been thinking about it a lot and I think you're right!
David: Oh, I know I'm right... Right about what?
Alexis: I think you're right that I'm wearing a wedding dress.
David: Yes I knew that.
Alexis: It's just that I wanted to look good for the wedding and now I feel like I ruined your wedding.
David: I think you're giving yourself too much credit. My wedding was already ruined.
Alexis: I just wanted to impress you
David: If it's any consolation to you, I am constantly impressed by you. Now will you please walk me down the aisle before everybody loses interest.
Alexis: David, it would be my honor.

David: What's going on here?
Alexis: Mm, things got effed, and we're not having fun anymore.
Stevie: For what it's worth, I'm having a great time.
David: You're like a tsetse fly. Where's your cell phone boyfriend?
Stevie: On my cell phone.
David: [to Patrick] Okay. You're not having fun?
Patrick: I don't know David, sure.
David: What exactly did I do wrong here?
Alexis: Oh, I don't know. David, mmm, was it the time you kissed my boyfriend? Or... was it the time you kissed my boyfriend?
Stevie: I think it was the time you kissed her boyfriend.
David: Okay, he kissed me! And I was just told to have some fun. So I played the game. I'm sorry that the bottle landed on me.
Patrick: Hm, technically it landed between you and Stevie, so.
Alexis: Yeah.
David: Okay, so you're upset about this as well, then?
Stevie: Looks like it.
Patrick: No, I'm not! I'm not upset. I just, I guess I wonder how you would react if the tables were turned.
Alexis: Yeah David, like, what would you do if Patrick and I suddenly kissed at a party?
Patrick: Yeah?
Stevie: Or Patrick and me?
David: [to Stevie] Okay, we're done with you.
[to Alexis]
David: It was spin the bottle! If Patrick was wasted, and spun the bottle, and it landed on you, and you guys kissed, I wouldn't care.
Alexis: You're lying, David.
David: Okay, is that what needs to happen to clear the air here? You guys need to kiss?
Patrick: David, let's not be dramatic.
Alexis: Yeah, maybe it does.
David: Well, by all means.
Patrick: I think it's actually more the principle of the thing...
Alexis: Okay, here we go.
[Alexis takes off her shoes to get closer to Patrick's height]
Patrick: Is that really...
[Alexis and Patrick share a very awkward kiss]
Alexis: Mmmmmmmm! Yum! That was fun!
Ted: Hey, are we spinning more bottles?
David: Uh, was that fun for you guys? That like, satisfying?
Patrick: I was never not okay. So.
Alexis: It was really good for me!

Patrick: [Putting his arms around David's neck and David puts his arms around Patrick's neck] I wonder what would have happened if we had met in high school?
David: Well, unless you were into candy ravers with asymmetrical haircuts and a lot of pacifier necklaces, I think our paths crossed at the right time.
[David and Patrick kiss each other]

Patrick: [Looking at David] Just think if we hadn't put these babies up front we wouldn't have sold two of them today.
Stevie: And a brush!
David: But at what price!
Patrick: I think the markup is good.
David: [Moving his arms in a contortionist way] No! No! No! Fine! I'm terrible at compromise. There! I said it! Like Beyonce, I excel as a solo artist and my mom dressed me well into my teens!
Stevie: Let it out David, let it out!
David: I'm sorry but I know what looks correct. And this situation looks incorrect! Plungers up front in a store are incorrect, breath mints where the lip balms should be incorrect, these mountaineering shoes my boyfriend is wearing like Oprah on a Thanksgiving Day hike incorrect!
Patrick: I'm sorry? What did you say?
David: I said that the mints need to be moved. The plungers need to be.
Patrick: You don't like my shoes?
David: I didn't say that.
Stevie: No, I heard him say that too.
Patrick: I'll just take my shoes off
David: Or not. I didn't say that you had to take them off.
Stevie: I think my work here is done.
David: What work is that?
[Stevie exits the Apothecary with a plunger in her hand]
Patrick: My boyfriend doesn't like my shoes so I'll just take them off.
David: [David sits in Patrick's lap] But before you do that just so you know socked feet in a public place is also incorrect.
Patrick: We all do what we need to do.
[David and Patrick kiss each other]

Moira: I've got some good news family. You, know the photographer Sebastien Raine?
David: That's my ex?
Moira: Well, he's coming from New York to photograph me for a project that I'm working on. I wanted to go to New York for a change of scenery but he insisted that I respect his wishes.
David: He was a monster!
Alexis: Didn't you date him for 4 months?
David: Okay, it was 3 months not counting the times he was talking to other people.
Alexis: You were eating mall pretzels and watching Bridget Jones's Diary.
David: I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels!

Alexis: Dad, I've heard what you said but I think I can make it work.
Moira: What's happening?
Alexis: Dad's trying to get me to drop out of college.
Johnny: No that's not what was happening? I thought it was something else?
Alexis: What else?
Moira: Oh, he thought you were pregnant?
Alexis: What? Eww!
Johnny: We all thought that you were pregnant!
Alexis: Eww! That is so mean!
Moira: [as David walks into the room] There you are! Where were you all night?
David: Out.side, I was outside!
Johnny: A little past curfew?
Alexis: Ooh, burn David!
David: I was just processing Alexis's situation.
Johnny: David Alexis isn't...
Alexis: It's okay dad! Have your fun now David because when the twins arrive I'm going to need your help.
David: That's a hard pass!
Alexis: You're going to be so busy with them David!
David: Your body, your problem!
Johnny: David, Alexis isn't pregnant!
Alexis: Just think of them as tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!
David: Thanks! Thanks a lot!

Johnny: David! Keep your glove up!
Roland: Hey Johnny! NO COACHING!
Johnny: Pay attention!
Roland: Hey Johnny! Why don't you wear an apron and serve the win to them on a silver platter?
Johnny: I'm trying to help my son Roland! The kid doesn't know what he's doing?
David: [Glaring at Johnny!] I CAN HEAR YOU!

Clint: You've got a really wonderful friend here, Patrick.
David: Yep, I'm just glad you could make it, Mr. and Mrs. Brewer. Um... well, I should leave you all to catch up, and spend some quality time with your son. But might I recommend the crab cakes? I over-ordered, and they cost a small fortune.
Patrick: [to his parents, pointing to David] Hey, could I just have two seconds with him?
Marcy: Sure.
Patrick: [Turning to David] What if they don't react the way I think they will?
David: [Holding Patrick] Then I will be here and we'll get through it together.
Patrick: Okay, I love you!
David: I love you!
[David love taps Patrick]

Patrick: David! It's okay!
David: It's not okay. Nothing about that is okay. Now you have to remake your little bed because I peed in it!
Patrick: David, go and get in the shower. I will take care of this.
David: Does that window open? Because I'm about to jump out
Patrick: David, I need the comforter.
David: Okay, but we must never speak of this again.
Patrick: Okay. I love you!
David: I'm glad one of us does.

Moira: Ding a ding!
[Stepping inside]
Patrick: Oh hey, Mrs. Rose! I was just taking this into the back.
[lowers his voice to a whisper to David]
Patrick: Maybe we can talk about this later?
David: Oh no, it's nothing. It's just some crossed wires. May I help you?
Moira: It's eerily quiet in here David is that a good sign?
David: What are you doing here?
Moira: Do you know what I'd like? A tea?
David: We don't sell tea.
Patrick: I was just going to make a run to the cafe I can get some tea for you if you want?
David: No, that's not necessary.
Moira: Yes, it is. Thank you, Peter!
Patrick: It's Patrick. Can I get you anything else?
Moira: Nothing for me thank you just a scone.
Patrick: The tea?
Moira: Yes, thank you.
David: I was in the middle of a pretty important conversation.
Moira: I'm sorry to bother you David but I had nowhere else to turn. It's probably nothing but I think I've killed a man! I don't know what to do David. I haven't been this upset about something since I played Lady McBeth on a Blue Skies Cruise ship during Shakespear at Sea week.
David: I don't know what to do either because you haven't told me what happened?
Patrick: [Patrick returns from the cafe with a cup holder in his hand] One tea for you. One Macchiato, with skimmed, two sweeteners, and a sprinkle of cocoa powder for you.
Moira: Thank you. You're very speedy.
Patrick: Thanks. I wasn't sure about the scone so I got one just in case.
Moira: There's nothing wrong with treating yourself, dear.
David: Okay, I'm pretty sure he's ready to quit on me so could you please?
Moira: I woke up this morning with a spring in my step!
David: Start later, please?
Moira: I didn't know what the day would bring?
David: Fast forward it!
Moira: I ran into the elderly gentleman outside of his room.
David: And?
Moira: He asked me for a painkiller but I told him I didn't have any.
David: So?
David: But I did have some. I had some sample packets in my purse. They were just sitting in a bowl in the pharmacy. But I refused the man and the next thing I know he turns out dead!
David: So, why didn't you just give him the pill?
Moira: Because David, I can barely accept the fact that I've resorted to hoarding sample packets of a basic pain medication let alone reveal it to the world.
David: Are you sure the pills would have saved his life?
Moira: We'll have to let the courts decide!
David: THE COURTS? Well, now that you've unloaded this on me, what am I? An accomplice?
Moira: David, I came to be talked off a ledge not pushed!
David: Can you imagine this in prison?
Patrick: Can I interject? I know I wasn't supposed to be listening in on this conversation but it's a small space and your voices carry so beautifully. Mrs. Rose, I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about.
Moira: That's so nice of you dear but now is not the time for well-intended complacency!

Stevie: How many years have I've know you, and I still can't figure out what goes on inside your head?
David: Join the club.

David: Usually, I'm the one finding out that I'm in an open relationship!

Johnny: We raised two kids!
David: Raised might be a bit of a stretch. Our nursery was in a different wing of the house.
Johnny: It was a design flaw.
Moira: I'm a light sleeper.

Alexis: At present, he's just coming for me, but then I figured that we would just come and grab you guys at some point.
David: What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit-soaked dump to galavant around the world with her dumb, shipping-heir loser boyfriend she's known for 3 months?
Alexis: Um, David, it will be 4 months next month.
David: Oh my god!
Alexis: And he just told me that he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you" at some point sometime soon, so...
David: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm telling mom. I'm telling mom and dad! Have you told them?
Alexis: No, David, I'm waiting for the right opportunity. Okay? Otherwise, dad's gonna cry and mom's gonna do that thing where she... where she pretends that nothing's wrong and then just doesn't talk to me for five months, and I don't want that.

David: I just found out that the person who voted in favor of that disgusting store was my own mother!
Moira: I did it to protect you!

Patrick: [after Jake and Stevie leave] So, we're going to talk about this right?
David: I'll just grab the whiskey!
David: [Hands Patrick a glass] This is for you. Cheers to privacy!
Patrick: Sorry I've just got to go over this one more time. You dated Jake? And then Stevie dated Jake? And then you all?
David: No! That's where you're wrong. I said "no" because Stevie and I agreed that would be a bad idea. But it appears that I was the only one who kept my end of that agreement
Patrick: So you're upset about this?
David: No. I am not upset about that. I don't even want any of that. And we are getting sidetracked right now. So who is feeling sexy?
Patrick: I'm getting there I'm sure. I knew you had a very rich dating history, David. I just didn't expect to be graced by the presence of two of your exes tonight.
David: Funny thing. Neither did I. So?
Patrick: But given we only have the apartment for one night maybe we should lock that box up for now?
David: That's a good idea.
[Patrick starts to kiss on David]
David: You know we haven't even gotten into your head...
Patrick: Lock it up, David. Lock it up!
David: Oh, okay!
[Patrick puts his hand on the back David's head and starts to locks his lips on to David's lips]

David: [after Patrick puts an ice pack on David's back] When you get hit in the back playing a game that you never wanted to play in the first place would that make you the VIP?
Patrick: It's MVP and no we're not doing that.
David: But if we were doing that would I be the VIP?
Patrick: Then you would definitely be the VIP.
[Patrick pauses for a minute]
Patrick: Listen, I'm sorry if this game sort of unleashed my competitive side.
David: We don't really need to get into that.
Patrick: But, part of me wonders if you would have hit a home run if I hadn't lit up that fire inside of you because I have never seen you run like that!
David: It was mostly because I was smelling the barbecue.
Patrick: Oh!
David: [after yanking his back away] Up a little higher!
Patrick: Okay!
David: Thanks!

David: Oh my god! Oh my god!
'Back of the Line' Guy: Hey! Back of the line bro!
Darlene's: Hey, NO CUTTING!
David: Excuse me? This is my store! Who are you?
Darlene's: I'm Darlene's cousin! Who the fuck are you?
David: Oh my god! That kind of language folks will not be tolerated at the Rose Apothecary. This is supposed to be a safe place. A safe place.
[Walking over to Patrick]
David: So I just got verbally assaulted by an unsavory customer waiting in the line!
Patrick: I've got a hand it to you, David. Who knew that you had that many friends or family members for that matter?
David: What are we going to do? I, for one, blame Gwen for this...
Patrick: David, relax. You have nothing to worry about. just open the door.
David: Okay.
Patrick: Softly now!

David: [Hears the sound of a baby screaming and two people arguing. David peers out the window] Uh-oh!
Alexis: What?
David: Some townie douchebag is moving in next door.
[Hears the sound of glass breaking]
David: LOOK OUT!
David: [Sees Alexis packing her bags] Where are you going?
Alexis: I'm going to stay at Ted's house.
David: So, you're just going to leave me here?
Alexis: Yes, I've been through enough spring breaks to know how this is going to end? And it's not going to end well.
David: Hello? HELLO? Is anybody there in that hollow heart of yours?

Patrick: You're batting a thousand here, David.
David: I don't know what that means.

Johnny: What's that?
David: Eye cream.
Johnny: From where?
David: From Paris.
Johnny: How did you pay for it?
David: Oh, one of my credit cards is still working.
Johnny: Oh, you're charging things to your credit card? I see. And, how are you going to pay for it?
David: I don't think you understand. I already have it.
Johnny: Well, I know this is a bizarre concept for you, David, but if you want cream from Paris, you need a job so you can make money to pay for the cream from Paris.
David: Ok, well, tell that to the bags under my eyes then.

Patrick: [Patrick rides piggyback on David's back] David, I'm fine!
David: You were limping. And, the hike would have made it worse. Plus you don't want to know what my mother will do if you showed up for the opening night and you couldn't walk.
[David drops Patrick on a fallen log]
David: Well, this is nice.
Patrick: I wouldn't have made you hike this far if I didn't think it was worth it. I think I know you a little better than that.
David: Okay, so how should I set up the picnic?
Patrick: Yeah, I think it might be a little late for that. Why don't we take in the view and then we'll save the picnic for another day?
David: I didn't carry you up a mountain to not eat cheese after.
Patrick: I don't know David?
David: Okay just tell me what to do and I'll set it up?
Patrick: Okay, in the red bag there's a blanket. Open that up and spread it out.
David: Okay.
[David spreads the blanket out]
Patrick: In the second bag, there's a bundle of crackers and cheese.
David: [after David reveals a bottle of champagne] Excusez moi?
Patrick: And a bottle of champagne. And if you look in that pocket right there you'll find something else.
David: [David opens up the pocket and finds a box inside the pocket, he then begins to giggle excitedly as Patrick drops to his knee] What's going on?
Patrick: So, I used to come on this hike when I first moved here. And I was developing feelings for this guy that I went into business with and I didn't know what to do about it because I didn't know if he had the same feelings or if I'd ever been able to muster up the courage to tell him how I feel about him? And here he is, the love of my life, standing right in front of me. I thought that this would be the perfect place to ask you to marry me?
David: [Continues to break down emotionally] What? Are you sure?
Patrick: Easiest decision of my life.
[David and Patrick kiss each other and start to giggle excitedly]
David: [Opens the box to reveal five gold rings that match the silver rings that he's wearing on each of his fingers] Are these 24 kt? Yes! It's a yes!
[Kisses Patrick]
David: I love you!
[They continue to kiss each other and giggle excitedly]

Alexis: Let me give you some advice. Was it flawlessly executed? No. Would I have done it? Hell no!
David: If this was intended to be helpful you can leave now!
Alexis: But what I was going to say is if a cute guy that walks into your store is enough to unravel your entire relationship you're better off knowing that now than a year from now.
David: [a loud knock on the door. David opens the door to find Patrick outside] Do I want to hear about it?
Patrick: I couldn't do it.
David: You can come in.
Patrick: I don't want to date Ken!
David: I don't think I ever said date!
Alexis: Was it the lack of ground rules?
Patrick: [Patrick turns to Alexis] Hi
[He turns back to David]
Patrick: David! I love you and I really appreciate what you were trying to do for me but I feel no need to meet up with other guys right now.
David: Okay. If that's what you want then I'm fine with that. I mean I'm easy either way!
Patrick: Okay.
[David and Patrick passionately kiss each other with Alexis looking on]
Patrick: Also, this is going to sound totally petty. But something about his shoes made me feel really weird because they were long and pointy...
David: And squared off at the toes?
Patrick: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
David: I know! I know! It's okay! It's okay!
Patrick: This is a really long hug now.
David: I know. Just give me a minute?
[David looks at Alexis over Patrick's shoulder and Alexis smiles at David]

Lawyer: There is something that the government has allowed you to keep.
Moira: The kids?
Lawyer: The kids are dependents, Moira. Johnny you bought a town in 1991?
Johnny: Yes, I bought that town as a joke for my son
David: Wait? You actually bought that town?
Johnny: Yes, I bought that town. How else could I get the deed?
Alexis: You could have just photoshopped the deed!
Johnny: Why would I photoshop the deed? The joke was owning the town?
Moira: Oh stop it John!
Johnny: That was the joke!
David: Oh my god!

Patrick: I know you're annoyed that the surprise got blown but this party may go down as one of the happiest nights of my life.
David: I guess that makes up for the fact that no one ate the crab cakes.
Patrick: So how long have they known?
David: I'm sorry?
Patrick: My parents? How long have they known about us?
David: I don't, I don't know what you're talking about?
Patrick: David! I know my parents. They're not good actors! They knew about us right?
David: Okay! My dad might have told them but he thought they knew?
Patrick: And that gift basket that you gave them, that I'm hoping that you paid for, that had nothing to do with you trying to smooth things over with them?
David: It was just a very messy day. I was trying to detangle everything and just make things okay.
Patrick: Yeah! Well, you made everything okay!
[David and Patrick begin to passionately kiss each other]
Twyla: Not to step on the moment but I do have to lock up in 5.
Patrick: Right!

Johnny: Moira! Hurry up!
Moira: It's 6:00 AM John! I'm moving as fast as I can! Roland said that he had a going away gift for us but I guess he forgot?
Alexis: Well, I for one would not have missed this for the whole wide world.
David: You're only saying that because you haven't gone to sleep yet.
Stevie: I'm going to miss your Mr. and Mrs. Rose
Johnny: [Hugging Stevie] Thank you, Stevie, that's awfully nice.
Moira: Nice as the smell of the liqueur wafting from your breath.
Stevie: I too haven't gone to sleep yet.
Johnny: Bye Stevie, take care of the place Stevie, and when you get a chance, Room 7 needs a turndown.
[He hands Stevie the keys]
Patrick: Well, safe travels Mr. and Mrs. Rose. David and I can't wait to host you at our house when you come back to visit.
Johnny: Thank you, Patrick.
[Hugs Patrick]
Moira: A courier is coming for the bulk of the luggage.
Alexis: Yes, we know!
Moira: And make sure the girls are delivered in a...
Alexis: Temperature-controlled cargo container!
Johnny: Okay, bye kids!
[Johnny hugs David]
David: [David hugs Johnny] Bye! See you soon!
Moira: Bye! I love you.
[Moira hugs David]
Alexis: [Alexis hugs Johnny] Bye dad!
Johnny: Bye honey!

Roland: We need a top and a bottom, like a skirt, which you know about, because you're wearing on6.
David: This is pants, which just happens to have a pant fabric front and back- Oh, okay..
Roland: Yeah, it's a skirt.

David: [Patrick pulls up with David in front of the motel in his car] Well, that was a fun night.
Patrick: I'm really glad that I decided to invest in your business, David.
David: That is a really lovely thing to say.
Patrick: And I'm so glad that you did, Patrick, because you've really helped to turn it into the success that it is.
David: A bold claim.
[David leans over and kisses Patrick on his lips]
Patrick: Thank you.
David: For what?
Patrick: I've never done that before, with a guy.
David: Okay.
Patrick: Yeah, and I was getting a little scared that I was going to let you leave here without us having done that. So, thank you for making that happen for us.
David: Well, fortunately, I am a very generous person.
Patrick: Can we talk tomorrow?
David: [nodding] We can talk whenever you'd like. Just preferably not before 10 AM, because I'm not really a morning person.
Patrick: Good night, David.
David: Good night, Patrick.

Stevie: Um, happy birthday!
David: Thank you!
Stevie: Is this okay?
David: Yeah! Why?
Stevie: Because he brought you a present. It's very nicely wrapped. So, I think I'm crashing a date.
David: Oh, no. No, no!
Stevie: He thinks you guys were here one-on-one. He bought you a present. I didn't even get you a present.
David: No, I noticed that.
Stevie: Do you want me to look?
David: No, I don't want you to look.
Stevie: [placing Patrick's gift on the table] Okay, I'll just say this. If there's anything remotely sentimental in here, he is on a date with you right now.
Patrick: [returning from the restroom] Oh, I see you found my present?
David: Um, yeah, we just didn't want anything to spill on it.
Patrick: So you put it on the table?
David: Yeah.
Stevie: Open it, David!
Patrick: Oh no no no! You can open it later. It's really not a big deal.
David: [pulling the gift toward himself] This is the first gift that I haven't bought myself in a very long time, so thank you.
Patrick: You're going to be so underwhelmed when you open it. Trust me, its not... See, it's nothing.
Stevie: What is it?
Patrick: It's just the receipt from our first sale at the store.
David: Um, this is not nothing, so thank you.
Twyla: I overheard that someone wanted mozzarella sticks for their birthday. Pretty sure I scraped off all the freezer burn.
Patrick: Wow, look at those.
Twyla: Do you guys need anything else, cause I'm heading out?
Stevie: You know what, I have to go too. I totally forgot. I'm gonna take some to go.
Twyla: Okay, I should warn you, those don't travel well. Even coming from the kitchen, they lost a lot of shape.
[Stevie signals to David that Patrick is a good one and then she leaves]
David: Um, this is a very solid frame.
Patrick: Thank you, I'm learning.

David: This was a beautiful choice!
Stevie: This was a lovely choice! I should head to work. Which is where I should have been 15 minutes ago.
[Stepping outside the door]
David: Stevie? Oh, Stevie? It's those towels again! We need towels.
Stevie: David!
David: What?
Stevie: Your father saw me outside.
[Short pause]
Stevie: ##CK! Your dad can't know about this. It's humiliating to me.
Johnny: Stevie? Is the room that has towels in if? If it is I'd like a key.
Johnny: [opens the door] Here you go.
David: Okay, this is a facecloth and a bath mat.
Johnny: I'll be more than happy to get you a towel, Mr. Rose.
Stevie: Stevie? Stevie?
[Stevie makes the shut up gesture to David]
Johnny: [Short pause] Stevie? Is there anyone in there?
Johnny: No, Mr. Rose!
David: Are you in any danger? Blink if you're in any danger?
Stevie: No!
Johnny: Well, I'm going to go now,
[Softly]
Johnny: , and I'm going to call the police!
Stevie: No, Mr. Rose please don't call the police.
David: DAD PLEASE, JUST TAKE THE TOWELS AND GO!
David: [Stevie opens the door all the way revealing David in bed] Oh? I'm going to go now!

David: What if I'm not ready to come home?
Girl: [Pointing] You have a bug on your dress.
David: Eww! Fuck!

David: Okay, I'm gonna ask you to put some pieces together here for me. We are throwing a "fundraiser" that just so happens to be on the same night as your birthday.
Moira: Must you rub it in?
David: We're throwing a "fundraiser" on your birthday.
Moira: Well, now you're just being cruel!
David: The fundraiser isn't real. It's not a real thing.
Moira: Oh... you're planning a birthday thing...

Johnny: [panting] Well, I-I just checked in "you know who's" parents.
David: What? They're not supposed to be here for another 11 minutes!
Johnny: Well, nothing to worry about. Um, random question for you. They're aware that you and Patrick are uh... romantically involved, right?
David: Of course they are. Why wouldn't they be?
Johnny: Well, they're definitely aware that you're business partners, it's just that uh, if I recall, at one point Patrick was engaged... to a woman, so...
David: Okay, what did you say to them?
Johnny: Nothing, nothing! It's more how they reacted when I brought up the fact that you two were... romantically in business with each other.
David: Ew!
Johnny: Yeah, they-they looked a little... shaken.
David: Shaken?
Johnny: Well, upset.
David: Upset?
Stevie: David, they know, right?
David: Of course they know! I wouldn't have asked them to come here if I didn't think they knew we were in a relationship! They call the store all the time! I mean, what do they think, I'm just his business partner?
Johnny: Possibly.
Stevie: I mean, yeah.
David: Oh my God! Okay! Everybody calm down! Nobody say a word to anybody!
Stevie: Well, that sounds reasonable.
David: What did I just say?

Alexis: My brother is getting married today.
David: [as Alexis comes out of the bathroom] Ah! You're wearing that?
Alexis: Yes! What was I supposed to wear? Pink?
David: Or black. You're wearing a wedding dress. To my wedding!
Alexis: This is not a wedding dress. It's a white floor-length gown. It's very different!
David: Did it come with a veil?
Alexis: No, it came with a headdress.
David: A what?
Alexis: It came with a tule headdress but I didn't want to wear it because I thought it would overwhelm the dress.
David: You're walking me down the aisle in a wedding dress. People are going to think we're the ones who are getting married.
David: [Stevie knocks on the door]
[frustrated grunt]
David: Come in!
Stevie: What's going on?
David: Does it not look like Alexis is wearing a wedding dress?
Stevie: I'm going to stay out of this
David: You don't have a choice! You work for me today.
Alexis: David, chill! I bought some champaign. So, let's have a toast to my brother!
[They clank their champaign flutes together]
David: Is that a bow on the back?
Alexis: Don't David!

David: Um, speaking of your parents, I've been piecing together that I don't think I ever spoken to them outside of work. Is that weird?
Patrick: Okay. I'm sure you... I'm sure you have.
David: Yeah... Like, they know about me, right?
Patrick: Of course they know about you, what do you mean? What are you-why?
David: Like they know about "us", right?
Patrick: [Patrick's face drops, he turns around and sighs] Um... Okay listen, David. I've have been wanting to tell them about us. I really have, I just was waiting to do it in person, and then I didn't go home for the holidays, and then I was feeling so comfortable with you and your family.
David: [upset] Yeah. Yeah, I-I don't know why I assumed, um... So all this time, your parents thought they were just... talking to your... your business partner? Okay.
Patrick: [emotional] David, I know my parents are good people, I just... Hmm... I can't shake this, this fear that... there is a small chance that this could change everything. That they might see me differently, or treat me differently. But I'm gonna deal with this as soon as I see them next, okay?
David: [Kissing Patrick] Mmmm-mmmm! Okay, what you're dealing with is very personal. And something you should only do on your terms. Okay? That's why I brought this couple home one day in college, and just told my parents to deal with it.
Patrick: I'm a take-charge guy, David. I like to take charge of things in my life, you know that. You're upset. I would be, too.
David: Yeah. Uh, it's not about that. You're gonna laugh yourself right out of the closet on this one. You know how you've always wanted a surprise party?
Patrick: David, I don't think this is how surprise parties work.
David: Yeah, I know, it's just... part of that surprise was inviting... your parents... here.
Patrick: What?
David: Yeah. I realize that was a big mistake. I should've talked to you.
[looking nervous]
David: I could be just your business partner tonight. If that will help.
Patrick: No, David. I, I can't have you do that. I owe it to us to tell them. I want them to know.
[laughs]
Patrick: Yeah, maybe this whole thing is a blessing in disguise, huh? It's at the cafe?
David: Yeah. The salmonella was a decoy.
[David kisses Patrick on the side of his head]

David: Stevie!
Stevie: I'm sorry I'm late. I went to Almdale and got stuck in traffic.
Jocelyn: Stevie! Thank god you're here!
David: I'm sorry. I never should have told you!
Stevie: No! Patrick gave me his blessing to pick something up. I hate driving to Almdale I could have done this any other time this week but I will yell at Patrick later.
David: I thought you were upset?
Stevie: These are for you. Soon you'll be moving in with Patrick and I won't be around to give you towels when you need them.
David: Thank you. I love the monogram and the thread colour choice. I love you in this outfit!
Stevie: Hey! Pretty soon you're going to be a married man. Oh! Mrs. Rose, Were you planning on taking my place?
Moira: No, I was just here to offer support. Excuse me I'll just go.
[Weeping]
David: Good luck!

Moira: [Short pause] Can you give us the room for a couple of minutes Pat?
Patrick: Certainly! Somebody has to look after the store. Lovely talking to you Mrs. Rose!
[Slaps David on his bottom with his clipboard]
David: [Glaring at his mother] What are you doing? I told you that I don't want to make a big deal out of this.
Moira: You can't blame us for being happy. Your father and I weren't involved in your previous relationships. It was just one bungle after another. Not that there's a connection.
David: There's no connection. It just one long string of really bad luck and I don't know what kind of carnage I inflicted in my past life to deserve it? It must have been Dracula or a swim instructor or something.
Moira: But what if we could tie a sailor knot in that string of bad luck? Because after five minutes of talking to sweet Pat
David: We're not doing Pat!
Moira: He sees you for all that you are.
David: [Rolls his eyes] Hopefully not all that I am!
Moira: David, you have an opportunity to climb out of the quicksand that was your past and stand firmly on the ground... let us celebrate that.
David: Okay! He can come.
Moira: Excellent. He's bringing his guitar!
David: What?
Moira: It was mostly his idea. In case there's a rousing campfire sing along?
David: I draw the line at sing-alongs!

Moira: A quarter cup at a time. A thin stream, it's supposed to be a thin stream. Blend it really well, or you'll burn it... David, that's not right.
David: OK, well that's because I'm ladling and stirring at the same time and you're just standing there.
Moira: Now's not the time to lose focus, darling.
David: This was your idea. You're the one who allegedly made the enchiladas.
Moira: Yes, so try to keep up. OK, next. Now's the time to sprinkle in the chili pepper flakes.
David: We've already done that.
Moira: What number are we on?
David: Oh my god, is this not your mother's recipe?
Moira: Yes, and now I'm passing it on to you! So try to keep up. Next step is to fold in the cheese.
David: What does that mean? What does "fold in the cheese" mean?
Moira: You fold it in.
David: I, I understand that, but how, how do you fold it? Do you fold it in half like a piece of paper and drop it in the pot, or what do you do?
Moira: David, I cannot show you everything.
David: OK, well, can you show me one thing?
Moira: You just... here's what you do. You just fold it in.
David: OK, I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that.
Moira: David, then I don't know how to be any clearer! You take that thing that's in your hand and you...
David: If you say "fold in" on more time...
Moira: It says "fold it in"!
David: This is your recipe! You fold in the cheese then!
Moira: Don't you dare!
David: You fold it in!
Moira: David! Oh good, now I see bubbles. David! What does burning smell like?

David: Yeah. Yeah, that's- Well, he seems like a really, like, respectable guy. Like one of those guys that has like a candy bowl of condoms on his bedside table or something.

David: I don't have a lot to my name right now, but I do have one thing.
Roland: Self respect?
David: No. Taste.

Johnny: Well, I suppose I should let you both know that there's been a slight change of plans. As you've heard, your mother is going back to work. And we'll be heading to California. Now, I've I made some calls, and I'll be setting up shop out west for the time being.
Alexis: Ooh, so it's just David and me going to New York then?
David: Um... I have something to say.
Moira: The wedding's off.
David: No. The wedding is not... Why would the wedding be off? Patrick found us a house.
Alexis: Okay, I don't know how we'd be able to afford a house.
David: The house is here. I think we're going to stay.
Alexis: What?
Moira: David, are sure you've given this sentencing adequate deliberation?
David: I just don't think I'm finished with this place. My business is here. My husband is here. And I'm just not ready to mess that up... just yet. I'm sorry I said I would share a place with you.
Johnny: So does this mean you'll be coming with us, Alexis?
Alexis: Um, no. I think it means that I'm gonna be flying solo to New York. I've done it before, and I can do it again.
Moira: You take that ember of independence and you keep it burning. Because you, my darling, are destined to be on fire!
Johnny: Well, I could not be more proud of my family than I am right now. And as much as I'll miss this... being together, at least I can go to sleep knowing we're all gonna be okay.
David: So when are you leaving?
Moira: September 3rd.
David: That's my wedding day!
Moira: And we're tied to the third?
Johnny: Oh Moira...
David: Am I tied to the third?
Johnny: Of course, you're getting married on the third, David! Moira, we can leave first thing the next morning.
Moira: Yes. We will, John. It's just worth noting that the lie-flat seats were only on the evening flight.
Johnny: Moira.
Moira: It's okay.
David: Unbelievable!

Alexis: Like thanks for waiting. This is my new friend Rachel, she's having a day!
Rachel: Patrick?
Patrick: Rachel? What are you doing here?
Rachel: What are you doing here? I've been trying to text you for 2 days!
Alexis: Patrick is your fiancee?
David: I'm sorry? You, have a fiancee?
Patrick: [Stammering] Well, I don't, I don't now!
Rachel: Patrick? What's going on?
David: I think I need to take a breath!
[David gets up and walks away from the picnic table]
Patrick: [Walks past Rachel] I'll talk to you in a minute. We've got a lot to talk about!
[Chases after David]
Patrick: David?
Johnny: Who is she? I glanced down at my plate for 2 seconds.
Patrick: [Inside David and Alexis's room] I need to explain a couple of things.
David: What do you think would be the main one?
Patrick: Rachel and I were engaged but I called it off before I moved here.
David: Okay, you don't need to explain yourself.
Patrick: I think I do.
David: I know, I'm supposed to say that in the moment so please continue.
Patrick: We got together in high school and we've been on and off ever since. We would just fall back into it. She was texting me for the past couple of months hoping that we'll get back together.
David: Woah! A couple of months? And you didn't think to tell me about this? You stood in front of me and told me to trust people!
Patrick: I know!
David: When not trusting people is what I'm used to. It's my comfort zone. Next thing I know there's an over-sized cookie on my doorstep, and you told me that I have nothing to worry about.
Patrick: I didn't want it to affect what we have. David, and I mean it when I say you have nothing to worry about! Because no matter how hard I tried with her it just never felt right, and up until recently I didn't know why? David, I spent my whole life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like and then I met you? And everything changed! You make me feel right David.
David: That's the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me aside from the Downton Christmas special!
Patrick: It's the truth!
David: It's just that my truth is that I am damaged goods and this really messed things up for me! And I think I need some time with it.
[Short pause]
David: I haven't had dinner yet.
Patrick: Okay! I'll grab you a slider
David: More than 1, and some potato salad and there were some other sides that I couldn't see on the table. So, a smattering of each?
Patrick: Okay.
[Patrick walks out of David and Alexis's room while David puts his hands on the sides of his head and turns around visibly shaken and upset]
Alexis: [Alexis, Johnny, and Moira listen through David's door] What's he doing in there?
Johnny: Well, he ate 6 sliders. So I'm assuming that he'll be going to sleep soon.
Moira: My poor baby! I told him that he was out of the quicksand but he's not John. He's sinking and there's nothing I can do about it!
[Moira and Johnny hug each other]
Alexis: I feel super responsible for inviting Rachel to the barbecue but he's been watching that show for 3 hours and I need my phone.
Johnny: You'll have to do without your phone, Alexis.
Alexis: David? David? David? David?
[David turns up the volume on the TV. A text comes in from Ted on Alexis's phone that reads "Nice to see you again!"]

David: "Larry Air" sounds like a dollar store perfume.

Johnny: What is that? Is that a new lamp?
David: Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing homeware, um, into the store, so that's a write-off.
Johnny: That's a write-off? Do you even know what a write-off is?
David: Uh, yeah. It's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.
Johnny: Oh. And who pays for it?
David: Nobody. You write it off.
Johnny: WHO writes it off?
David: I don't know, the gov- the "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?
Stevie: So if I need booze to get through my day, I can just write that off?
David: That's a stretch.
Stevie: But the skin care products you got this morning, those are a write off?
Johnny: What skin care products? You purchased skin care products?
David: OK, I am the face of the company. If I have acne, what does that say about the legitimacy of the store?
Johnny: That's not a write-off! *That's* not a write-off! This: not a write-off!
David: Oh. Well, the bedding's non-refundable, so...
Johnny: David, a write-off is a business expense used to reduce your taxable income.
David: OK, well then why isn't it called a "tax write-off"?
Johnny: IT IS! It is! You can't just buy things for yourself and write them off!
David: Well then I'll return some things. There's not enough space in here for the massage chair anyway.

Patrick: Hey David. I'm going out to the Cafe. If you want to come along and pay for it?
David: First, there's something that I need to do.
[Puts a chair down and makes the sit-down gesture]
Patrick: What are you doing?
David: Consider this to be my olive branch?
Patrick: [Looks out the window] You do know that people can see you right?

David: Question. The cedar planks out behind the motel, are they being used for something, or are they up for grabs?
Stevie: How do you know it's cedar?
David: Um, I bought a cologne once, in Japan, that's supposed to smell like the aftermath of a car crashing into a cedar tree.

David: One pizza? What is this, Les Miz?

David: Hey can you spare some... Oh my god! OH MY GOD!
Moira: [Shrieks] DAVID! OH!
Alexis: Oh my god what's going on?
David: Oh my god! I saw hell is what's going on. Oh my god! Oh my god!
Johnny: David what you just saw was your mother and me having a very intimate moment
David: I know what I saw I cannot unsee that!
Johnny: And I refuse to feel guilty about being in bed with my wife.
Alexis: Oh my god, you poor thing.
Moira: I hate to tell you this but having sex isn't just about having children so that they can grow up and make you feel guilty about it.
Alexis: OH MY GOD CAN YOU STOP THIS PLEASE?
Moira: I will NOT be shamed. Shame on you
David: Shame on you for attempting that position at 8:00 in the morning.
Johnny: Do you know just how hard it is to share a wall with the two of you?
David: I do now.
Johnny: Now if you two don't mind we are going back into our room and don't even think about opening that door.
Moira: [Glaring at Johnny] Oh, are you serious?
Johnny: Next time.
David: [Whispering] Oh my god!
Alexis: No, no, no, no, no!

David: [leaving a voicemail] Hi, David, it's Patrick.
[cringes]
David: I, um... was just calling to run my business plan, uh, by you in a little more detail. So, feel free to give me a call back, and I will be happy to walk you through it. Okay, ciao!
[hangs up]
David: "Ciao". I said "ciao" to that person.
[calls again to leave another voicemail]
David: Hi, Patrick. Yeah, I think I... I think I called you David. Which that's not... that's not your name. You can just delete that text... the mess... uh, the voicemail that I left you. Um, just thought it might be a good idea to give you some background information about... the... the store. It's basically a general store, um, that will support local artists under the brand of the store, which... which would also be my brand.
[phone dings]
David: Sorry, I got just got a text.
[cringes]
David: Oh, God.
[hangs up, then calls voicemail again]
David: Sorry, the text cut us off...

Marisa: [hearing the doorbell ring and opening the door] Immigration?
Reposession: Revenue.
Marisa: Mrs. Rose! There are people here from the government.
Moira: [shrieking] I've been gutted. John, I've been stripped of every morsel of pleasure I earned in this life.
Johnny: Well, how do you think I feel, Moira? Eli was family, for god sake! "Leave your finances to me," he said! Son of a bitch.
Alexis: Baby, it's crazy, people are just, like, taking our stuff!
[shouting into her phone]
Alexis: I said they're taking our stuff! Can you just step out of the club for a second, please?
[notices a CAS agent taking off with her purses]
Alexis: Hold on, hold on. Those bags are not for you. My boyfriend bought those for me, so theoretically, they are his.
Reposession: Please, sir, can you step aside?
David: No, you step aside! YOU STEP ASIDE! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what kind of a sick person wants to get paid to destroy another person's life. DESTROY ANOTHER PERSON'S LIFE! Where are you taking that?
Moira: My very soul has been kidnapped, there's no ransom. NO ONE'S COMING TO SAVE ME!
Johnny: We've got 15 minutes to collect our personals. Can we pick up the pace?

David: Some very scummy people moved in next door!
Stevie: Are they very skaggy?
David: Very skaggy!
Stevie: Imagine being related to them?
David: Wait? You're related to Carl?
Stevie: Not related by blood but my mom's sister married Carl which makes Sean my step-cousin.
David: Wow! And Sean got Bree pregnant?
Stevie: Someone got Bree pregnant. I mean Bree isn't exactly fussy about introducing men to her vagina.

Patrick: I look like a cheese puff.
David: You said it, not me.

Alexis: So, you were just sitting in Patrick's car and you just leaned in and kissed him?
David: What part of this conversation do you not understand?
Alexis: Patrick wanted you to do that?
David: Yes
Alexis: And Patrick told you that he wanted you to do it?
David: Fall off a bridge, please?
Alexis: You've given me such a hard time dating Ted but you suddenly french your business partner the minute that he peeks his head out of the closet?
David: I'll have you know that this is the best first day of a relationship I've ever had.

Clive: Ah, welcome to Elmbridge Manor!
[Turning to Patrick and Stevie]
Clive: And you must be the happy couple!
Patrick: Oh no, not quite!
Stevie: God no!
Clive: [Turning to Stevie and Alexis] Oh ladies. I'm so sorry. Congratulations. Champagne?
David: Hi! I'm David Rose! I'm the one who's getting married!

David: I shouldn't have eaten those eggs.
Stevie: I can't believe I'm trapped under a blanket with you knowing that you ate those eggs. I bet Patrick's fridge is fully stocked.
David: What does that mean?
Stevie: It means that he's got his life together. He's a pretty eligible bachelor. Patrick?
David: I suppose!
[Stevie turns her head at David]
David: What? He's my business partner?
Stevie: Aren't they all?
David: What are you doing?
Stevie: Well, you two seem to get along together well.
David: Because we're in business together and compliment each other well.
Stevie: But he offered to let you stay over at his place?
David: Because unlike you and I, he's extremely generous and has no ulterior motive.
Stevie: Then why are you here and not there?
David: Because you invited me over first.
Stevie: But I didn't.
David: Because it would be weird?
Stevie: If nothing's going on then why would it be weird?
David: Because we're in business together and I don't know what his preferences are?
Stevie: Well, you're not going to find out what his preferences are in a sleepover with me.
David: Well, I wouldn't be sharing a bed with him. I would be in some guest bedroom.
Stevie: Guest bedroom? What is he? Bill Gates?
David: Yes, he's Bill Gates!
Stevie: I like this for you!
David: Like what? There's nothing to like!
Stevie: You seem flustered!
David: I'm not flust... Maybe it's the eggs?

David: I need that bed.
Alexis: Why?
David: Because I need it.
Alexis: Why?
David: Because if someone were to break in here in the middle of the night wanting to murder us, they would attack this bed first, so I need this bed.
Alexis: So you're saying that you want me to get murdered first? In front of you? And then what would you do? Would you just run away and leave me to bleed out, on the floor?
David: Uh, sort of, that was the plan, yeah.

Stevie: [Knocks on Johnny and Moira's door] Mr. Rose, there's a dead body in room 4
Johnny: Stevie come in!
Johnny: I don't think that's a very relevant question, Moira. I mean we can't have people finding out that there's a dead body in the room
Alexis: Ooh!
Alexis: There's a dead body in the room?
David: I knew there was going to be a murder here so I'm just going to pack up and I assume we're moving out?
Johnny: No, we're not moving out and everybody calm down. There hasn't been a murder here
Stevie: The old man in room 4 died alone in his sleep.
David: Why do I find that scenario to be even more bone-chilling than murder?
Moira: Stevie, do we know how this man expired?
Stevie: Do I look like a coroner?
Alexis: I don't think you want that question to be answered.

David: [Walks in on Moira and Johnny attempting to kiss each other] Oh my god! Am I being punished for something?
Moira: David, are you a dirty peeping tom?
David: I don't think parenting books would approve of you saying that to me. I'm just going to grab this magazine and.
Johnny: Stick around Jr. I need to tell you two something. Alexis?
David: They're done!
[Alexis appears]
Johnny: Roland and Jocelyn have offered us the use of their cabin and we request that you not contact us for 24 hours.
David: Thank you!
Johnny: Thank you!
David: No, thank you!
Johnny: Thank you!
David: No thank you!
Johnny: Thank you!
David: No thank you!
Johnny: Okay, enough David!

Alexis: Happy Anniversary!
David: Congratulations on your ongoing love for each other! You did it!
Moira: Okay, kids, that's enough. You sound like the incestuous Bloomfields.
David: Nice job.

David: [Panting] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
Patrick: We're going to talk about this right? About how we missed a day of work.
David: Yes! Yes!
Patrick: But you made it across 30 ft in the air.
David: Yes!
Ted: Okay, guys! 1 course down, 7 more to go.

Ray: [Opens the door to Patrick and David's room] Knock! Knock! Is everybody decent?
David: [David is still sleeping with his head resting against Patrick's shoulder but he's startled awake by Ray's voice] Oh my god!
Patrick: Once again Ray? Saying "knock! knock!" isn't the same as actually knocking?
Ray: I know. But I'm making some breakfast and I was wondering if I should save some for you two?
David: Sure!
Ray: Great! Door open or closed?
David: Closed.
David: [Turns to Patrick] I thought you were going to talk to him about this? I very rarely let people see me before 9:00 AM.
Patrick: I did! The knock knock is him taking the note!
David: Well, maybe you should invest in a lock, lock?
Ray: Gentlemen?
David: Wholly fuck! What?
Ray: [Opening the door again!] I just realized that we don't have any eggs. But I have pancake mix. How do we feel about that?
David: 4, please!
Ray: David, I constantly hear about how you eat too much but I saw you walk from your bedroom to the shower and you look fine.
Patrick: Ray? We might need a minute.
Ray: Great! Door opened or closed?
Patrick: Closed!
David: [Turning to Patrick] WOWWWWWWW!
Patrick: Okay! This isn't working anymore. I think it's time that we got an apartment.
David: Oh! Okay if that's what you want?
Patrick: I think it's more of a need at this point, David, I've been thinking about it for a while now?
Ray: Gentlemen? You're going to laugh at this but I found the eggs in the pantry they were sitting by the pancake mix so they've been out for days.
David: Can I still have the pancakes?
Ray: Yes!
[Ray walks away without closing David and Patrick's bedroom door]
Patrick: Ray?
Ray: Patrick?
Patrick: [Makes a "close the door" gesture] Door closed.
Ray: Of course!

David: [David returns to his Motel room. He unlocks the door and turns on the light only to find Moira passed out in his bed] Oooh! What are you doing in my bed?
Moira: Oh, David dear I'm too exhausted to go to my own bed.
David: Is it the footwork?
Moira: It's not just the footwork and pirouettes that I forgot about but I forgot about me. There's an elephant on the wall saying
[David looks back]
Moira: retire, retire. Run David! Tell Jocelyn to cancel the show!
David: I'm not going to do that. But what if we did
[pauses]
David: The Number?
Moira: Really David?
David: I know it's a stupid idea.
Moira: David, you'd do that for me? I thought that you hated being paraded around in front of my friends?
David: I still do but I'm finding this situation to be incredibly disturbing and eventually I'll need my bed back.

Patrick: David, what is going on?
David: You're wearing a blindfold. I'm not just gonna tell you what's going on. Okay. You can take it off now.
Patrick: Hey, you do know that I've already seen this house, right?
David: I do.
Patrick: So then why are we here?
David: Because I put an offer in. And they accepted.
Patrick: What? What about New York? I thought that's where you wanted to be?
David: I thought so, too. But it's not where you wanna be. And I don't wanna be anywhere you don't wanna be.
Patrick: David, I promise I will make you so happy here.
David: You f*ckin' better.
[David and Patrick kiss]
Patrick: Wait. So when you say you put an offer in...?
David: Yes.
Patrick: What exactly did you do?
David: Um, I don't really know. You might wanna call them. Call the people.
Patrick: Yeah, no. I'm definitely gonna look at that offer.
David: Mhmm.
Patrick: You know, at this point who even needs a wedding, am I right?
David: Oh, I do. I need a wedding. Big time.

Alexis: [referring to the cedar chest Mutt did all the work on] THAT'S a cute little wood thing, David!
David: Thank you - I made it!

Stevie: So, just to be clear, um... I'm a red wine drinker.
David: That's fine.
Stevie: Okay, cool. But, uh, I only drink red wine.
David: Okay.
Stevie: And up until last night, I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David: [nods knowingly] I see where you're going with this. Um... I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.
Stevie: Oh.
David: And I've been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back, I tried a merlot that used to be a chardonnay...
Stevie: Uh... okay.
David: ...which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Yeah, so... you're just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine and not the label. Does that make sense?
Stevie: [smiles] Yes. That does.

David: Alexis, can you tell your phone to fuck off?

Stevie: [David and Stevie are sitting on the hood of her car admiring the house that Patrick offered to buy for David] This might seem like a really stupid question, but um, why are we here?
David: Because I felt like I owed it to Patrick to at least see the place where he wanted us to spend the rest of our lives.
Stevie: And?
David: And it's way too small for the rest of our lives, but it's cute.
Stevie: Okay, so we just drove here to look at a place that you don't plan on living in.
David: [tearing up] Correct.
Stevie: [shaking her head] How many years have I known you and I still can't figure out what goes on inside your head.
David: [tearfully] Join the club.
Stevie: [apologetically] That was a joke, in case it didn't land.
David: You know, I was just thinking about how Patrick must have driven out here and knocked on that door and asked those people to call him if they ever planned on selling. Just because I... I said it was nice. Who does that?
Stevie: [nodding, fighting tears] Good people... good people do things like that. Hence the reason why we don't understand it.
[beat]
Stevie: Can I ask you a question?
David: Yes.
Stevie: What is it about New York?
David: I have big dreams...
Stevie: And you can't have those dreams here?
David: ...and some friends left there.
Stevie: The friends whom you invited to the wedding?
David: To name a few, yes.
Stevie: [starting to cry] David, they're not coming... apparently, there was some electronic music festival in Norway that took priority.
[beat]
Stevie: Why do you want to go back to a place that's done nothing but hurt your feelings!
David: Because I want those people to know that I'm not a joke... that I've won!
Stevie: David, look at this place! You won! And on a personal note, I don't want you to leave me here, okay?
David: [Stevie puts her arms around David's shoulders as they cry together] Did you put on deodorant today?
Stevie: [incredulous] Excuse me?
David: [turning around] I know it might be the farm...
Stevie: It's the farm!
[she shoves him off the hood and gets down herself]

Alexis: As if I didn't see this coming. He's broken up with me five times already. Like, there was that time that he never met me in Rio. And remember that time that he gave me his ex-wife's engagement ring? And then, last summer, that time that he left his molly in my glove compartment, and then I got arrested?
David: Can you do me a huge favor? And never repeat this to anyone that you respect, okay?

David: Let's go over there.
Patrick: You've got to pull it out, David!
David: Okay, on the count of 3. 1-2-3!
[David pulls the branch out of Patrick's foot]
David: Where's the first aid kit?
Patrick: I didn't bring one.
David: Okay, take your shoe off.
Patrick: What's that?
David: [Patrick takes his shoe and sock off] It's hand sanitizer. Did you think that I would go anywhere without it? I'm just going to put some of this on here.
Patrick: Thanks.
David: Yeah, I'm sorry that I haven't been more fun.

Johnny: This is worse. This is much worse.
David: You did this?
Johnny: No, I didn't do this! I tried to fix this!
Moira: Well, it... it is what it is.
Alexis: 'Kay, it looks like...
Johnny: I know what it looks like, Alexis. I know.
[camera pans out to reveal the town limits billboard, which now has a small sign attached that reads, "Don't worry, it's his sister."]

David: There are some very skaggy people who happened to produce a baby that hasn't been taken away from them yet. They are very scummy people
Stevie: Yeah, imagine being related to them. They're my half cousins.
David: Wait you're related to Carl?
Stevie: Not genetically, my mother's sister was married to Carl. He died before Sean got Bree Pregnant or somebody got Bree pregnant. I mean, she's not exactly fussy when it comes to introducing men to her vagina.
David: And was that a factor in his death?
Stevie: I wouldn't be surprised!

Alexis: You can trust me.
David: Okay, can I? Because the last time I left you in charge of something...
Alexis: Ugh! This is about those stupid Tamagotchis?
David: Actually, it is.
Stevie: Okay, guys...
Alexis: You left me with six of them, David! Taking care of that many is like a full time job!
David: I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health! And by the time I came home, they were all dead. You have to, like, actively murder them in order for that to happen.

David: Nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing.
Alexis: I didn't go missing David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time!

Patrick: Why would he agree to do this if he's afraid of heights?
Alexis: He's not afraid of heights. He's afraid of butterflies and moths.
Ted: He's also afraid of nurses who wear running shoes!
David: Hey! I can hear you!

Patrick: You've never pictured yourself doing something that didn't end up happening?
David: Of course, I'm not married to Christina Aguilera, am I?

David: Okay, so I told Patrick that there's a salmonella outbreak at the cafe, so he will not be coming here until I tell him to tonight.
Twyla: Oh. Is it possible you could maybe choose a lie that doesn't make the cafe look like it's in violation of health codes?
David: I think it's a pretty good one.

David: [Stoned] Want to know where I got my hat bruh?
Stevie: Where?
David: Assholes-R-Us!
[laughing as Stevie rolls over, falls off of the bed and hits David in the back of his head with her leg]
Bree,93908: [shouting at each other with their baby crying]
David: Oh my god! OH MY GOD! We need to go! We need to go!
[David and Stevie duck into a room next to Bree and Sean's room!]
Sean: [angrily] What the ##ck?
David: [Whispering] I got his hat!
[laughing]
David: [Short pause! David slams Stevie up against the door and they start kissing each other. They then move towards the wall that has the light switch attached to a disco ball. David puts his arms out and drops his empty beer bottles on the floor while Stevie starts to rub her hands up and down David's waist and hips]

Johnny: Put your best faces on everybody! Alexis, you're looking very peppy!
Alexis: I've had a pretty rough night actually!
Moira: Well, you're fooling everyone dear!
David: Um, you've got something.in.
[David gives a disgusted look as he pulls a loose hair extension out of Alexis' head]
Alexis: Is it gone?
David: [Chortling] Yes!
[Johnny and Moira are surprised!]

Johnny: Where did Alexis go?
David: She went out for a run. She said that she has big changes coming in her life.
Johnny: Yes, I should say so?
David: Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?
Johnny: It's a pregnancy test.
David: Ooh! What?
Johnny: It's a smiley face so I'm assuming it's a positive result?
Moira: Are we 100% sure that it's hers?
Johnny: Well, it's 100% sure it's somebodys!
David: Come to think of it Alexis has had some ups and downs but I chalked that up to her personal life is a steaming bowl of...
David: [Short pause] Someone needs to talk to her!
Moira: I'll talk to her. Yes, I'll tell her that she has no right to put this financial and emotional burden ON US!
Johnny: Maybe I'll talk to her?
Moira: Now she'll have to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers?
David: Can you imagine?
Johnny: Moira that's not going to happen.
Moira: I'm sure there are those on this side of the tracks. Let the nuns care for the little ones!
Johnny: What Alexis needs now is to feel supported by her family.
David: Okay. I'll say it. I am not in a space right now to care for a baby.
Johnny: You know I'm disappointed in you David. You spend a lot of time with Alexis the least you could have done is do a better job of protecting her.
David: Okay! I'm sorry that I'm not a condom!
Moira: [Screaming at the top of her lungs] I knew this would happen. God help us all!

Moira: David? This game sounds vaguely familiar?
David: That's because you used to play this game with us when we were kids.
Moira: How come I don't remember this game?
David: You got very good at it.