100 Best Moira Rose Quotes

Moira: Alexis, if you desire a love with longevity, the key is to have as little in common as possible.

Patrick: You're legally prohibited from providing drugs to your guests so by not giving him anything you've actually avoided any liability in his death
Moira: Well, there you have it. I'm so glad you're he Pat
Patrick: Rick, Patrick!
Moira: You know how carried away David can get?
Patrick: Oh, I do!
Moira: I'm heading back to the scene.of.the.crime. Of which I had nothing to do.
[Moira sticks a piece of cheese in her purse]
Patrick: Can I ring that up for you?
Moira: I paid too much for a wedge of brie last week so let's call it even.
David: I don't think it works like that.
Moira: Alexis was right. He's a button!
David: Thanks.
Patrick: [Sounding upset] So you told your mom about us?
David: No, I told Alexis about us and she likely told my mother!
Patrick: Listen, David?
David: No! You listen!
[Patrick looks surprised]
David: Sorry, that came out way harsher than I wanted it to. I know how this looks considering you told me that you want to take this slow but me wanting to sleepover at your house
Patrick: I know and I'm sorry for assuming that you just wanted to come over to my house just to sleep with me or whatever!
David: It was purely because there was a dead body in one of the rooms.
Patrick: I know.
[Short pause]
Patrick: You know? When you kissed me it felt like my first time. All of those things that you're supposed to feel? I felt them last night.
David: Well, if we're being honest with each other it felt like my first time too. I mean it's not. I've kissed like a thousand people before but nobody that I cared about, or liked, or thought was nice. So in a way we're both starting something new!
Patrick: Thank you, David. And for the record, I respect you and think that you're a good person.
David: [thinks for a minute] It's just that I said "nice" person.
Patrick: I know.
[Patrick leans in, wraps his arms around David's waist, and kisses David]
David: I need you to say "nice" person!
Patrick: You're a good person David!
David: That's not nice!

Johnny: [yelling] Alexis! Alexis! David!
Moira: They're not going to come.
Johnny: [raising his voice] Well, how widespread IS that news?
[waits a few seconds]
Johnny: Talk about salacious!
Moira: [shakes head, smirking, and raises her voice] He cut off his WHAT?
[Alexis and David appear instantly]

Moira: Okay, consider this camel's back broken. Who sends pink carnations?

Moira: This place is very charming... Rustic cottage - I half expected early Unabomber!

Johnny: [Johnny and Moira walk in] Wow!
Moira: Wow!
Johnny: David did all this?
Moira: He created, in this town, something winsome. I would shop here John even without the nagging sense of obligation!
Johnny: Look at the labels on everything! Rose Apothecary!
Moira: The Rose name on another plucky young business.
Johnny: We should go and congratulate him!
Moira: We should but our son is very hard at work.

Moira: David, can you just once embrace joy?

Johnny: Where did Alexis go?
David: She went out. She said there have been some big changes in her life.
Johnny: Yes, I should say so.
David: Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?
Johnny: It's a pregnancy test!
David: Ooh! What?
Johnny: There's a smiley face. So I assume that it's a positive result?
Moira: Are we sure that it's hers?
Johnny: Well, this test says that it's somebodys?
David: Come to think of it, I know that Alexis has been having a lot of ups and downs but I chalked that up to her personal life being a smoldering piece of shit!
Johnny: Someone needs to talk to her.
David: Don't look at me! I'm sure that she knows that it's a mistake?
Moira: I'll talk to her and tell her that SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO DUMP THIS PERSONAL AND FINANCIAL BURDEN ON US!
Johnny: Maybe I'll talk to her?
Moira: Now she'll have to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers!
David: Ooh, can you imagine?
Johnny: Moira, that's not going to happen!
Moira: I'm sure there are plenty of them on this side of the tracks! Let the nuns care for the little ones
Johnny: What Alexis needs now is to feel supported by her family!
David: I'll say it! I'm not in a space right now to be supportive of a baby!
Johnny: [Turning to David] You know David I'm a little bit disappointed in you. You spend a lot of your time with Alexis. You could have done a better job of looking out for her!
Johnny: Okay! I'm sorry I'm not a condom!
Moira: [Screaming] I knew something like this would happen. God help us all!

Johnny: David!
Moira: David!
Alexis: David!
David: STOP YELLING DAVID! YOU COME HERE!

Moira: David's nighttime enuresis only comes around when he's juiced up with excited anticipation about something. Christmas, birthdays, The Ides Of March. Now it's your impending nuptials that have opened up the floodgates.

David: [smiling] Oh my god!
Alexis: Oh my god! This is not cool. What are you two doing here?
Johnny: I don't care what kind of snarky comments you kids are going to make, we're all going to dance together as a family.
Moira: I just want to say that! I just want to say that...
Johnny: Well, just say it, Moira!
Moira: We love you both very much!
Alexis: [Touched] I love you too!
David: [Hesitating] I love you too!

Johnny: The man was crying! What was I supposed to say?
Moira: You take both of his hands, look him straight in the eye, and you say NO!
Johnny: What do you say about a guy you couldn't care less about?
Moira: I once had to deliver a eulogy at the funeral of my Sunrise Bay co-star. I didn't know what to say so I sang a few lines of Danny Boy.

Roland: Oh, hello!
Moira: Shh! Shh! Shh!
Roland: Greet- What?
Jocelyn: Shh!
Roland: What?
Moira: I just put him down!
Jocelyn: Oh my gosh, you got little Roland to sleep?
Moira: Oh no, I'm talking about John.

Moira: Wait, wait, wait. One last check.
[to Alexis]
Moira: Gorgeous.
[to Johnny]
Moira: Perfection.
[to David]
Moira: Like your father the day I married him. Look at us, the Roses, attending this town's most illustrious fundraising gala.

Moira: Nice to meet you, Jacob. If you take half as much care of our son as you do your physique, David should be in very good hands.

Johnny: This is worse. This is much worse.
David: You did this?
Johnny: No, I didn't do this! I tried to fix this!
Moira: Well, it... it is what it is.
Alexis: 'Kay, it looks like...
Johnny: I know what it looks like, Alexis. I know.
[camera pans out to reveal the town limits billboard, which now has a small sign attached that reads, "Don't worry, it's his sister."]

Moira: I'd like to believe you, Sebastien, but there's a big fat line between charming and bullshit. Now give me that flashcard.
David: You just have to trust me Moira!
Moira: Give me that flashcard.
[David steps out of Sebastien's room]
Moira: David?
David: Sebastien and I had some unfinished business to tend to
Moira: Sebastien, give me that flashcard!
David: Oh, you mean this flashcard.
[David holds Sebastien's flashcard in his hand]
David: I don't know what good it would do you, because it accidentally fell out of your camera and into my hand, then it fell in my drink and I stepped on it a lot. It was nice seeing you again Sebastien.
Moira: [David and Moira walk away from Sebastien's room arm in arm] I'm sorry you had to do that for me.
David: It wasn't just for me. We both won!

David: [Standing on the chair] Everyone? I would just like to say a big congratulations to Team Cabaret. You guys were awesome. Speaking of love...
Roland: [Raspy voice] Somebody got engaged!
David: Speaking of love, I'm so glad that you're all here because Patrick and I have an announcement to make.
Jocelyn: [Very drunk] They're getting married!
David: Jocelyn! I'm the one standing on the chair! Two years ago I went to fill out some paperwork for my business license and little did I know I would meet the love of my
[Moira's phone starts ringing]
David: MY. GOD!
Moira: Sorry, this is me. It's probably press. I'm sorry David I have to take this. I already know about your engagement!
[blows David kisses]
Ronnie: So you're engaged to him?
David: Okay, so this shouldn't be so hard!
Alexis: Oh my god, David spit it out!
David: Oh my god! Fine! I met someone who changed my life and I don't know what I would do without him? So yes, we all know that Patrick and I are engaged!
Moira: NO! NO! NO!
Stevie: My God!
Johnny: [Everyone runs into the other room to find Moira collapsed on the floor] If it's a bad review Moira I wouldn't trust local critics.
Moira: They shelved the Crowing! It's over.
[Moira crawls into a closet, shuts the door and starts crying]
Johnny: [Standing in front of the closet door] Show's over people! Nothing here to see.
David: Okay everyone if you can just leave your champagne flutes here. Unless you still want to make a toast?
[Patrick shakes his head no]
David: Okay just leave your champagne flutes here. Thank you!

Herb: Well, it's fruit wine, which in itself is exciting, but the most exciting thing is that all our fruit is 100% insecticide free!
Moira: Mmm.
[sips, gags]
Moira: Oh, there's something in mine!
Herb: Oh, that's a ladybug - that's one of the good ones.

Lawyer: There is something that the government has allowed you to keep.
Moira: The kids?
Lawyer: The kids are dependents, Moira. Johnny you bought a town in 1991?
Johnny: Yes, I bought that town as a joke for my son
David: Wait? You actually bought that town?
Johnny: Yes, I bought that town. How else could I get the deed?
Alexis: You could have just photoshopped the deed!
Johnny: Why would I photoshop the deed? The joke was owning the town?
Moira: Oh stop it John!
Johnny: That was the joke!
David: Oh my god!

Moira: The world is falling apart around us John, and I'm dying inside.
Johnny: Well, I'm feeling a little queasy myself.

Moira: David? This game sounds vaguely familiar?
David: That's because you used to play this game with us when we were kids.
Moira: How come I don't remember this game?
David: You got very good at it.

Johnny: Put your best faces on everybody! Alexis, you're looking very peppy!
Alexis: I've had a pretty rough night actually!
Moira: Well, you're fooling everyone dear!
David: Um, you've got something.in.
[David gives a disgusted look as he pulls a loose hair extension out of Alexis' head]
Alexis: Is it gone?
David: [Chortling] Yes!
[Johnny and Moira are surprised!]

Alexis: I actually think this place is kind of cute.
Moira: Did you say cute? No, Alexis, Martha Stewart's Hampton home is cute.

Johnny: Well, I suppose I should let you both know that there's been a slight change of plans. As you've heard, your mother is going back to work. And we'll be heading to California. Now, I've I made some calls, and I'll be setting up shop out west for the time being.
Alexis: Ooh, so it's just David and me going to New York then?
David: Um... I have something to say.
Moira: The wedding's off.
David: No. The wedding is not... Why would the wedding be off? Patrick found us a house.
Alexis: Okay, I don't know how we'd be able to afford a house.
David: The house is here. I think we're going to stay.
Alexis: What?
Moira: David, are sure you've given this sentencing adequate deliberation?
David: I just don't think I'm finished with this place. My business is here. My husband is here. And I'm just not ready to mess that up... just yet. I'm sorry I said I would share a place with you.
Johnny: So does this mean you'll be coming with us, Alexis?
Alexis: Um, no. I think it means that I'm gonna be flying solo to New York. I've done it before, and I can do it again.
Moira: You take that ember of independence and you keep it burning. Because you, my darling, are destined to be on fire!
Johnny: Well, I could not be more proud of my family than I am right now. And as much as I'll miss this... being together, at least I can go to sleep knowing we're all gonna be okay.
David: So when are you leaving?
Moira: September 3rd.
David: That's my wedding day!
Moira: And we're tied to the third?
Johnny: Oh Moira...
David: Am I tied to the third?
Johnny: Of course, you're getting married on the third, David! Moira, we can leave first thing the next morning.
Moira: Yes. We will, John. It's just worth noting that the lie-flat seats were only on the evening flight.
Johnny: Moira.
Moira: It's okay.
David: Unbelievable!

Johnny: Why Jocelyn?
Moira: Because everyone who comes out of that salon looks just like Jocelyn.

Alexis: Like thanks for waiting. This is my new friend Rachel, she's having a day!
Rachel: Patrick?
Patrick: Rachel? What are you doing here?
Rachel: What are you doing here? I've been trying to text you for 2 days!
Alexis: Patrick is your fiancee?
David: I'm sorry? You, have a fiancee?
Patrick: [Stammering] Well, I don't, I don't now!
Rachel: Patrick? What's going on?
David: I think I need to take a breath!
[David gets up and walks away from the picnic table]
Patrick: [Walks past Rachel] I'll talk to you in a minute. We've got a lot to talk about!
[Chases after David]
Patrick: David?
Johnny: Who is she? I glanced down at my plate for 2 seconds.
Patrick: [Inside David and Alexis's room] I need to explain a couple of things.
David: What do you think would be the main one?
Patrick: Rachel and I were engaged but I called it off before I moved here.
David: Okay, you don't need to explain yourself.
Patrick: I think I do.
David: I know, I'm supposed to say that in the moment so please continue.
Patrick: We got together in high school and we've been on and off ever since. We would just fall back into it. She was texting me for the past couple of months hoping that we'll get back together.
David: Woah! A couple of months? And you didn't think to tell me about this? You stood in front of me and told me to trust people!
Patrick: I know!
David: When not trusting people is what I'm used to. It's my comfort zone. Next thing I know there's an over-sized cookie on my doorstep, and you told me that I have nothing to worry about.
Patrick: I didn't want it to affect what we have. David, and I mean it when I say you have nothing to worry about! Because no matter how hard I tried with her it just never felt right, and up until recently I didn't know why? David, I spent my whole life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like and then I met you? And everything changed! You make me feel right David.
David: That's the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me aside from the Downton Christmas special!
Patrick: It's the truth!
David: It's just that my truth is that I am damaged goods and this really messed things up for me! And I think I need some time with it.
[Short pause]
David: I haven't had dinner yet.
Patrick: Okay! I'll grab you a slider
David: More than 1, and some potato salad and there were some other sides that I couldn't see on the table. So, a smattering of each?
Patrick: Okay.
[Patrick walks out of David and Alexis's room while David puts his hands on the sides of his head and turns around visibly shaken and upset]
Alexis: [Alexis, Johnny, and Moira listen through David's door] What's he doing in there?
Johnny: Well, he ate 6 sliders. So I'm assuming that he'll be going to sleep soon.
Moira: My poor baby! I told him that he was out of the quicksand but he's not John. He's sinking and there's nothing I can do about it!
[Moira and Johnny hug each other]
Alexis: I feel super responsible for inviting Rachel to the barbecue but he's been watching that show for 3 hours and I need my phone.
Johnny: You'll have to do without your phone, Alexis.
Alexis: David? David? David? David?
[David turns up the volume on the TV. A text comes in from Ted on Alexis's phone that reads "Nice to see you again!"]

Moira: [during her inspirational talk to Jocelyn's class] Don't let the bastards get you down!
Jocelyn: [cringing and whispering] Can't say bastard.
Moira: The opportunities will diminish and the ass will get bigger- oh yes, it will -
[turning and pointing at a girl]
Moira: especially yours; you're going to have a huge ass!

Johnny: We raised two kids!
David: Raised might be a bit of a stretch. Our nursery was in a different wing of the house.
Johnny: It was a design flaw.
Moira: I'm a light sleeper.

Moira: Equality. Freedom. Marriage. These are the rights of every community, and even more specifically... the business community. No faction of society deserves to be discriminated against, especially women who are in the business faction. One of my top priorities will be to... to change people's misguided and ignorant perceptions of women like you. You did not choose this life. No, each one of you... was born to be... an entrepreneur.

Moira: Okay, the thing you must understand about Cliff, Patrick, is that he has been with many women but he's never derived true pleasure from it.
Patrick: I think I can wrap my head around that.

Moira: May... may I just proclaim that I have rarely... never, I've never felt more buttress than I have in your company, dear gals. Not to flog a metaphor, but wolf pups are born blind and deaf, and in your care I have learned to see and hear the beauty of the bucolic. Oh, no. No, let's not turn this into a Hallmark movie of the week. I've done enough of those for a lifetime. Okay?

Alexis: Can everyone get out, I haven't seen my boyfriend in like, eight days
Moira: And I haven't seen my furry Fendi's for weeks.
Ted: Hi, Mrs. Rose!
Alexis: No. We're not engaging with them.
Alexis: Everybody out so I can finish off with Ted!
David: Sick!
Alexis: Good bye, please!
Moira: Found them!

Moira: [Don't Cry Out Loud plays really loud] I thought you said Jocelynn came to take him home.
Johnny: She did. That happens to be their wedding song.

Moira: Jocelyn, I'm so glad I've run into you. Roland was mentioning your fundraiser earlier today and it got me thinking...
Jocelyn: My... what?
Moira: Your annual fundraiser for the children with troubled mouths.
Jocelyn: Oh, right. Yes. It's gonna be quite a night.

Moira: [Short pause] Can you give us the room for a couple of minutes Pat?
Patrick: Certainly! Somebody has to look after the store. Lovely talking to you Mrs. Rose!
[Slaps David on his bottom with his clipboard]
David: [Glaring at his mother] What are you doing? I told you that I don't want to make a big deal out of this.
Moira: You can't blame us for being happy. Your father and I weren't involved in your previous relationships. It was just one bungle after another. Not that there's a connection.
David: There's no connection. It just one long string of really bad luck and I don't know what kind of carnage I inflicted in my past life to deserve it? It must have been Dracula or a swim instructor or something.
Moira: But what if we could tie a sailor knot in that string of bad luck? Because after five minutes of talking to sweet Pat
David: We're not doing Pat!
Moira: He sees you for all that you are.
David: [Rolls his eyes] Hopefully not all that I am!
Moira: David, you have an opportunity to climb out of the quicksand that was your past and stand firmly on the ground... let us celebrate that.
David: Okay! He can come.
Moira: Excellent. He's bringing his guitar!
David: What?
Moira: It was mostly his idea. In case there's a rousing campfire sing along?
David: I draw the line at sing-alongs!

Patrick: I just thought it could be a fun thing to do
Moira: Yes, the exact sentiment expressed by the passengers as they stepped aboard the Titanic. What? They were having a rip-roaring bash before that bloody iceberg."

Moira: My campaign has been hijacked. I need some tea. Twyla?
Twyla: Tea?
Moira: No thank you.

Moira: Where's David? I'm here David!
Johnny: David, we've come to take you home!
David: Yeah! After 3 days!
Moira: We didn't know where you were dear?
David: I text Alexis
[Johnny and Moira turn and stare at Alexis!]
Alexis: Oh my god! I'm sorry for not responding to like one text, David!
Alexis: DAVID!
David: Yeah?
Alexis: You know Mutt?
David: Yeah?
Alexis: Things just got really complicated!
David: What happened?
Alexis: We had sex!
Johnny: Okay Alexis, can we talk about this later?

Johnny: The name is Rose.
Stevie: I don't see a reservation under that name.
Roland: Uh, it's okay, Stevie. I set aside two rooms for them.
Stevie: Well, there's nothing here.
Roland: Well, okay, just book 'em in with two rooms. These people own the town, they're big deals.
Moira: We'll need three rooms, minimum.
Roland: Ooh, no can do, honey. Look, we have a one-room comp policy here, and I am personally throwing in an extra room out of sheer decency, so...
Johnny: What about suites? Do you have a couple of suites?
Roland: [amused] This guy.
Stevie: Um... no. Uh, this is a motel, so we cater more to off-road truckers and drunk teenagers.
Moira: Please, someone just give me a key, to a door, to a room, any room. I just want a bathtub and a long extension cord, please.

Johnny: Moira! Hurry up!
Moira: It's 6:00 AM John! I'm moving as fast as I can! Roland said that he had a going away gift for us but I guess he forgot?
Alexis: Well, I for one would not have missed this for the whole wide world.
David: You're only saying that because you haven't gone to sleep yet.
Stevie: I'm going to miss your Mr. and Mrs. Rose
Johnny: [Hugging Stevie] Thank you, Stevie, that's awfully nice.
Moira: Nice as the smell of the liqueur wafting from your breath.
Stevie: I too haven't gone to sleep yet.
Johnny: Bye Stevie, take care of the place Stevie, and when you get a chance, Room 7 needs a turndown.
[He hands Stevie the keys]
Patrick: Well, safe travels Mr. and Mrs. Rose. David and I can't wait to host you at our house when you come back to visit.
Johnny: Thank you, Patrick.
[Hugs Patrick]
Moira: A courier is coming for the bulk of the luggage.
Alexis: Yes, we know!
Moira: And make sure the girls are delivered in a...
Alexis: Temperature-controlled cargo container!
Johnny: Okay, bye kids!
[Johnny hugs David]
David: [David hugs Johnny] Bye! See you soon!
Moira: Bye! I love you.
[Moira hugs David]
Alexis: [Alexis hugs Johnny] Bye dad!
Johnny: Bye honey!

Alexis: They weren't wild crows, they were supposed to be trained.
Moira: Trained? Some of them were painted seagulls.

Moira: A quarter cup at a time. A thin stream, it's supposed to be a thin stream. Blend it really well, or you'll burn it... David, that's not right.
David: OK, well that's because I'm ladling and stirring at the same time and you're just standing there.
Moira: Now's not the time to lose focus, darling.
David: This was your idea. You're the one who allegedly made the enchiladas.
Moira: Yes, so try to keep up. OK, next. Now's the time to sprinkle in the chili pepper flakes.
David: We've already done that.
Moira: What number are we on?
David: Oh my god, is this not your mother's recipe?
Moira: Yes, and now I'm passing it on to you! So try to keep up. Next step is to fold in the cheese.
David: What does that mean? What does "fold in the cheese" mean?
Moira: You fold it in.
David: I, I understand that, but how, how do you fold it? Do you fold it in half like a piece of paper and drop it in the pot, or what do you do?
Moira: David, I cannot show you everything.
David: OK, well, can you show me one thing?
Moira: You just... here's what you do. You just fold it in.
David: OK, I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that.
Moira: David, then I don't know how to be any clearer! You take that thing that's in your hand and you...
David: If you say "fold in" on more time...
Moira: It says "fold it in"!
David: This is your recipe! You fold in the cheese then!
Moira: Don't you dare!
David: You fold it in!
Moira: David! Oh good, now I see bubbles. David! What does burning smell like?

Moira: These rooms did have doors, didn't they?
Johnny: Yeah, it's a hotel. They're hotel rooms.
David: It's a motel. These are motel rooms.
Alexis: What if they took our stuff?
David: What stuff? There's no stuff to take.
Moira: I have stuff.
Johnny: [giving the door jamb a once-over] Son of a bitch!

David: So, I wanted to talk to you guys about... oh.my.god!
Johnny: I know! We're still trying to find a place to hang it!
David: Did it grow? Can you cover it up with something?
Moira: I tried. The sheets don't fit.
Johnny: Can we help you son?
David: I just wanted to tell you that Patrick and I will be launching the store on Friday.
Johnny: Great news! A grand opening.
David: We're doing more of a soft launch.
Moira: I don't like the sound of that!
David: Why not? It's actually a very effective business strategy. And it's always better to go under!
Moira: Go under?
[David says no!]
Moira: David if the business is floundering it's best to tell us now!
David: When it comes to expectations it's always best to go under rather than over!
Johnny: I don't know if that's true son. Every Rose Video Store we opened had fireworks day or night. People love pizazz.
David: Well, we're doing the opposite of that. We're inviting a select group of V.I.P.s and offering a 25% friends and family discount.
Moira: Well, that sounds meek.
Johnny: Friends getting the same discount as family? That doesn't sound right.
David: Well, that's what we're doing.
Johnny: What if your mother and I bought things at the same time? Does that mean we get a 50% discount?
David: Why would you want to spend less money in my store?
Moira: David, we are happy to support this modest little vigil you're hosting but to hand out discounts before the store is even birthed seems a tad defeatist. I hope you don't mind if I keep this information to myself?
David: I don't want you to tell anybody about it. The fewer the better.
Moira: Rarely has that been a recipe for success!
David: I'm glad I came in here.
Moira: We love you!
Johnny: Keep on preaching son!

Johnny: David, help me with the doors.
David: No, I can't. I just got out of the shower.
Johnny: I need help with the doors.
Alexis: David, help him with the doors.
David: You help him with the doors.
Alexis: No.
Johnny: David, could you help me with the doors?
David: It's air drying.
Moira: Pick up a hammer and nail this coffin shut.

David: [after finding his cake in the fridge] Who picked through my cake and only left the icing?
Alexis: Who eats the icing?
David: What kind of barnyard were you raised in where you eat somebody else's food?
Alexis: So, you can share a boyfriend but you can't share food?
David: Okay we're not sharing a boyfriend. Stevie and I are dating Jake at the same time.
Alexis: Oh really? Because in my experience with throuples.
David: We're not a throuple.
Alexis: In my experience with three people there's always a favourite. Just like how mom loves you more.
David: First of all that's not true and don't use mom in an analogy about my relationship thank you.
Moira: David? Lunch today?
David: No.
Moira: Oh, well I guess I'll dine alone!
Alexis: See?
Moira: See what?
David: Alexis seems to think that you like me more?
Moira: Alexis don't be ridiculous. This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me weary of spending time with you.
Alexis: I was sitting right here!
Moira: I just didn't see you there.

Alexis: Happy Anniversary!
David: Congratulations on your ongoing love for each other! You did it!
Moira: Okay, kids, that's enough. You sound like the incestuous Bloomfields.
David: Nice job.

Alexis: Dad, I've heard what you said but I think I can make it work.
Moira: What's happening?
Alexis: Dad's trying to get me to drop out of college.
Johnny: No that's not what was happening? I thought it was something else?
Alexis: What else?
Moira: Oh, he thought you were pregnant?
Alexis: What? Eww!
Johnny: We all thought that you were pregnant!
Alexis: Eww! That is so mean!
Moira: [as David walks into the room] There you are! Where were you all night?
David: Out.side, I was outside!
Johnny: A little past curfew?
Alexis: Ooh, burn David!
David: I was just processing Alexis's situation.
Johnny: David Alexis isn't...
Alexis: It's okay dad! Have your fun now David because when the twins arrive I'm going to need your help.
David: That's a hard pass!
Alexis: You're going to be so busy with them David!
David: Your body, your problem!
Johnny: David, Alexis isn't pregnant!
Alexis: Just think of them as tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!
David: Thanks! Thanks a lot!

Patrick: I'd like to dedicate this next song to a very special someone in my life. There he is right over there. David Rose.
Moira: [David rolls his eyes] Just tell me when and I'll pull the fire alarm.
David: Okay!
Moira: [Moira puts her hand on David's shoulder. He's smitten by him] Wow!

Moira: Now, would you be a doll and fetch Mommy a knife?
David: A knife?
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry. I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.
David: OK, well that's a lot
Moira: And when you pull it out of my back, you can plunge it into my heart!

David: [Walks in on Moira and Johnny attempting to kiss each other] Oh my god! Am I being punished for something?
Moira: David, are you a dirty peeping tom?
David: I don't think parenting books would approve of you saying that to me. I'm just going to grab this magazine and.
Johnny: Stick around Jr. I need to tell you two something. Alexis?
David: They're done!
[Alexis appears]
Johnny: Roland and Jocelyn have offered us the use of their cabin and we request that you not contact us for 24 hours.
David: Thank you!
Johnny: Thank you!
David: No, thank you!
Johnny: Thank you!
David: No thank you!
Johnny: Thank you!
David: No thank you!
Johnny: Okay, enough David!

Johnny: What the hell happened here?
Moira: We've been robbed. Right now, some local is pawning my earrings for crank.
Johnny: Your diamonds?
Moira: Yes, my diamonds, the one thing I could hide under my tongue.
Johnny: Moira, I took your earrings out of here, and I put them in my shoe. For safekeeping.

Johnny: Where did Alexis go?
David: She went out for a run. She said that she has big changes coming in her life.
Johnny: Yes, I should say so?
David: Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?
Johnny: It's a pregnancy test.
David: Ooh! What?
Johnny: It's a smiley face so I'm assuming it's a positive result?
Moira: Are we 100% sure that it's hers?
Johnny: Well, it's 100% sure it's somebodys!
David: Come to think of it Alexis has had some ups and downs but I chalked that up to her personal life is a steaming bowl of...
David: [Short pause] Someone needs to talk to her!
Moira: I'll talk to her. Yes, I'll tell her that she has no right to put this financial and emotional burden ON US!
Johnny: Maybe I'll talk to her?
Moira: Now she'll have to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers?
David: Can you imagine?
Johnny: Moira that's not going to happen.
Moira: I'm sure there are those on this side of the tracks. Let the nuns care for the little ones!
Johnny: What Alexis needs now is to feel supported by her family.
David: Okay. I'll say it. I am not in a space right now to care for a baby.
Johnny: You know I'm disappointed in you David. You spend a lot of time with Alexis the least you could have done is do a better job of protecting her.
David: Okay! I'm sorry that I'm not a condom!
Moira: [Screaming at the top of her lungs] I knew this would happen. God help us all!

Moira: [after Jocelyn puts her hand on Moira's shoulder] I already told you I don't know?
Jocelyn: It's okay Moira. Roland and I went to the doctor and he said we're having a boy!
Moira: Oh, that's wonderful! Right now my boy is being serenaded by his butter voiced beau.

Johnny: Your mother and I have been talking, and we've come to the realization that we've not been very good parents.
Moira: Sadly, and most of the time, we have no interest in what's going on with you.
Johnny: We have no idea. She means no idea.

Moira: I - I worked in soaps. They had me play my own father, who then became pregnant despite the vasectomy. I still hold the record for the longest -running demonic possession on daytime television.

Moira: Alexis, let's not count our poultry before it's incubated.

Johnny: Stop the car!
Moira: What is it?
Johnny: I just wanted one last look
[Johnny looks out the window at the town sign to find that Roland has painted Moira and Johnny's faces over top of Horace and his sister's faces with David and Alexis painted in the background]
Johnny: Driver, we're ready!

Moira: Our designated grapes!
Johnny: Well, I see the wine-tasting went well.
David: Okay. We couldn't find a wine.
Patrick: Well, it sorta smells like you... found all the wine.
David: What?
Patrick: Yeah.

Jocelyn: Let's hear it for the children's choir with their Kylie Minogue melody. Those are some racy lyrics. Now our next performer will surprise you because she certainly surprised me when she told me that she switched up her entire act when somebody put a pretty hefty deposit on a wall of mirrors.
[Jocelyn cries under her breath]
Jocelyn: And now the main event.
David: [Taking the microphone from Jocelyn] Oh thank you very much. Burr, it's cold in here.
Alexis: [Turning to her dad] Is this the number?
David: [as Moira knocks on the stage door frame] Hey I wonder who that could be?
[Moira walks out on the stage]
David: Hey! It's TV's Moira Rose?
Moira: That's TV's mom to you! When I think of how many people in this town die from asbestos poisoning? But when I think that this town could be asbestos-free before...
David: Christmas!
Alexis: [Turning to Patrick] They used to do this every year at our Christmas Party every year and you can't unsee stuff like this.
[Patrick laughs]
David: Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding dong, ding, dong
Moira: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me the keys to a Lamborghini.
David: [David and Moira Sing Oh Come All Ye Faithful and Deck The Halls at the same time] I say faithful but I can't say the same for all of you!
[David and Moira God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen together]

Johnny: Oh good, I'm so glad you two are still here. We're going to need your room so pack up!
Alexis: Um no!
David: Absolutely not!
Johnny: The motel is sold out and we're unable to remove a body and disinfect room 4 in time for check-in.
David: Okay, every word of that sentence made me sick!
Moira: I agree with David. We must move on from all of this.
David: Did I say that?
Moira: There's no use wasting time finding out what happened?
Johnny: We're not trying to find out what happened Moira. We're trying to find a solution and I'm going to need to family's help
Alexis: Why can't they stay in your room?
Johnny: It will take a day just to rebox your mother"s wigs!
Moira: Oh my god! Can you imagine? Not one of you is trained!
Johnny: Okay, bottom line is we need your room so pack your things and we're going to set you up in our room!
Moira: Okay, I've never just packed a bag so you might just have to give me a minute.
Alexis: Yes, and I'm going to be sleeping somewhere else!
David: Same!
Alexis: Like literally anywhere else.
David: Like an old tent on the side of the highway.
Johnny: Alright enough let's just get going, please.
Moira: Yes! Yes! Plenty of work to be done. Unfortunately, my previous engagements preclude me from offering my beneficence around the motel today! JOHN I HATE TO LEAVE YOU LIKE THIS!
Johnny: Yeah, I know Moira! Busy! Busy! I want to room cleaned up in an hour!
David: Okay, I'm going to need some dry cleaning bags and a padlock.

Johnny: You know I meant to ask, Moira, what were the amenities like in that hotel room? High-pressured water, down pillows?
Moira: I'll never know. I had my one chance at a proletarian oasis and I squandered it, passed out in Roland's bed.
Alexis: [walking into her parents' room] You slept with Roland?
Johnny: No, she didn't. She found herself in his bed.
David: Mom slept with Roland?
Alexis: Yes. Apparently.
Moira: I will not be tried and condemned by the likes of you two.
David: So what's gonna happen now? Is there gonna be like a custody battle over us?
Johnny: David, stop.
Alexis: We gonna have to like spend weekends over at Roland's now, or?
Moira: Goodnight, Alexis.
David: Do we call him Uncle Roland?
Johnny: All right, that's enough, David.
Alexis: No. I mean, I get it, Roland is the mayor, and it's very difficult to work with someone who you're attracted to.
David: Yeah. Like you and Ted?
Alexis: No! I'm making fun of Mom and Dad right now, David.
Johnny: And we're done. Back to your room.
David: Um, I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.
Johnny: Good night.
David: Okay.

David: [David returns to his Motel room. He unlocks the door and turns on the light only to find Moira passed out in his bed] Oooh! What are you doing in my bed?
Moira: Oh, David dear I'm too exhausted to go to my own bed.
David: Is it the footwork?
Moira: It's not just the footwork and pirouettes that I forgot about but I forgot about me. There's an elephant on the wall saying
[David looks back]
Moira: retire, retire. Run David! Tell Jocelyn to cancel the show!
David: I'm not going to do that. But what if we did
[pauses]
David: The Number?
Moira: Really David?
David: I know it's a stupid idea.
Moira: David, you'd do that for me? I thought that you hated being paraded around in front of my friends?
David: I still do but I'm finding this situation to be incredibly disturbing and eventually I'll need my bed back.

Johnny: Roland and Jocelyn think we can't take care of a kid.
Moira: That's an argument I'm willing to lose.

Johnny: [yelling at Alexis] You were 17?
[turning to Moira]
Johnny: Did YOU know about this?
Moira: [rolling eyes] As if! I don't do girl talk.

David: Okay, I'm gonna ask you to put some pieces together here for me. We are throwing a "fundraiser" that just so happens to be on the same night as your birthday.
Moira: Must you rub it in?
David: We're throwing a "fundraiser" on your birthday.
Moira: Well, now you're just being cruel!
David: The fundraiser isn't real. It's not a real thing.
Moira: Oh... you're planning a birthday thing...

Moira: [In a TV commercial for a winery] In the lea of a picturesque ridge, lies a small, unpretentious winery, one that pampers its fruit like its own babies. Hi! I'm Moira Rose, and if you like fruit wine as much as I do, then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner who brings the muskmelon goodness to his oak Chardonnay and the dazzling peach crabapple to his Riesling Rioja. Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You'll remember the experience, and you'll remember the name: Herb Irvling-ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herm-linger. Bing Liveheinger. Live Link. Burt Herkern. Burn-. Agh! Bingo Lingfucker!

Johnny: Moira? What are you doing?
Moira: We are currently sleeping on a rectangular collection of knives and barbed wire John.

Moira: In the lea of a picturesque ridge lies a small, unpretentious winery, one that pampers its fruit like its own babies. Hi! I'm Moira Rose, and if you like fruit wine as much as I do, then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner who brings the muskmelon goodness to his oak Chardonnay and the dazzling peach crabapple to his Riesling Rioja. Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You'll remember the experience, and you'll remember the name: Herb Irvling-ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herm-linger. Bing Liveheinger. Live Link. Burt Herkern. Burn-. Agh! Bingo Lingfucker.

Johnny: Kids, we just came in to say good night, and, uh, to remind you that we will get through this...
David: Okay, good night.
Johnny: ...as a family.
David: Warmest regards to you both.
Johnny: And that we will end up on our feet in no time.
Moira: Of course, by then, our feet will be shoeless, and filthy and mangled from walking on cigarette butts and broken beer bottles. So, seriously, Alexis, enough about Stavros.
Alexis: I'm sorry if I am going through something right now.

Moira: A heavy salad might as well be a casserole.

David: Stevie!
Stevie: I'm sorry I'm late. I went to Almdale and got stuck in traffic.
Jocelyn: Stevie! Thank god you're here!
David: I'm sorry. I never should have told you!
Stevie: No! Patrick gave me his blessing to pick something up. I hate driving to Almdale I could have done this any other time this week but I will yell at Patrick later.
David: I thought you were upset?
Stevie: These are for you. Soon you'll be moving in with Patrick and I won't be around to give you towels when you need them.
David: Thank you. I love the monogram and the thread colour choice. I love you in this outfit!
Stevie: Hey! Pretty soon you're going to be a married man. Oh! Mrs. Rose, Were you planning on taking my place?
Moira: No, I was just here to offer support. Excuse me I'll just go.
[Weeping]
David: Good luck!

Moira: I'm starting to get keyed up about this prospect of a mother-daughter power team. A modern day Judy and Lorna.
Alexis: I don't know who that is.

Johnny: [scolding] No Don, here's the joke. The joke is that I'm sitting at a half-decent restaurant with my wife, and our friends and all you two have done is complain about the food and pretend that you didn't leave us high and dry after we lost everything.
Moira: I'm past that point now!
Johnny: I'm not quite past it yet Moira. You wrote us off, Don. Not a nickel. Not a phone call. Not an e-mail? Roland and Jocelyn here could not have been more generous with what little they have. They found us a place to live. They lent us their truck when we needed it. They invited us to their parties. They even offered to take us out to dinner tonight.
Roland: Just to be clear, Johnny, we were always going to split the bill it's just with the coupon...
Jocelyn: [Whispering] Roland? Roland? No!
[Jocelynn looks smug]
Johnny: And that town you passed through? It's not called Schittsville. It's called Schitt's Creek and it's where we live.

Moira: [Sniffeling] Good evening everybody! Welcome to the wedding of Patrick Brewer and David Rose! We are gathered here today to celebrate the love of two people whose lives were ostensively brought together by fateful butterfly wings. It's hard to understand why things happen the way that they do? Our lives are like little bebe crows carried upon a curious wind and all we can wish is for that wind place us on solid ground. And it has done this for our family in this small town in the middle of nowhere?
David: [Whispering] Okay, I think we're good!
Moira: And now I will ask David Rose and Patrick...
David: Brewer
Moira: Brewer to exchange their vows!
Patrick: David, I can't believe this is happening. So, I'll keep this very short because I think you know that I would climb a thousand mountains for you. You will always be a part of me,
[singing]
Patrick: and I'm a part of you indefinitely. Boy, don't you know you can't escape me, 'cause you know you'll always be my baby. and we'll linger on, time can't erase a feeling this strong, no way you'll ever shake me, ooh, darling 'cause you'll always be my baby!
Moira: David?
David: Uh, yes. Patrick, I have never liked a smile as much as I like yours. I've never felt as safe as I feel when I'm with you. I've never known love like I do when we're together. It's not been an easy road for me but knowing that you will be there for me at the end makes everything okay. Patrick Brewer you are my happy ending.
Moira: [David takes Patrick's ring out of his pocket and slips in on his finger] Patrick do you take David to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Patrick: I do.
Moira: [Patrick takes David's ring and slips it on his finger] David
[shouting]
Moira: do you take Patrick to be your lawfully wedded husband?
David: I do!
Moira: I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss each other.
Johnny: [as everybody is walking out of the town hall] You did such a great job, sweetheart. I don't know how you do it?
Moira: There's a time and a place for sentimentality and your only son's wedding is hardly the time or the place.

Johnny: Don't tell me you're having lunch with Bev after all this?
Moira: Imagine. No, I amputated those people long ago.

Moira: Thank you Officer, for your almost militant commitment to the protection of our community.
Moira: I promise to keep my husband habilimented from now on.

Moira: You are the most important thing in this world to me, you know that John! And I nclude Caroline in that, and I've had that wig for 40 years!

Jocelyn: You wanna audition for the Jazzagals?
Moira: Audition? Though I'm sure you mean no offence, in the actual world of entertainment, I'm what's known as, "offer only."
Jocelyn: Moira, I know you're a great singer, but everybody has to audition, and I can't have you not audition - it would open up a whole can of worms. I mean, even Gwen had to audition, and she was in a regional production of "Annie."

Moira: I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It's a new feeling for me, and I don't find it at all pleasurable.
Stevie: You regret that embarassing photos of you aren't online?
Moira: No, I regret that they're lost. They were the one perfect memorial to who I once was. And I should've appreciated those firm round mammae and callipygian ass while I had them.
Stevie: If you're talking about your body, uh... I think you still look amazing.
Moira: Then allow me to offer you some advice: Take a thousand, naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, "Oh, I'm too spooky." Or, "Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies." But, believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, "Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!"
Stevie: Will I?
Moira: Mm-hm. Oh, and make sure you submit those photos to the Internet. Otherwise, your own children will go looking for them one day and, tragically, they won't be there.

Roland: Jocelynn and I went to the baby doctor. We don't want to know the sex of the baby. We want to keep it a surprise. Now? What's the combination to the safe? It's either my birthday or Gloria Estefan's
Ronnie: [sarcastically] Your wife is pregnant. How many more surprises do you need?
Moira: Good morning.
[Short pause]
Roland: It's Gloria Estefan's. 09-01-59.
Moira: [after opening the manila envelope sitting on her desk] Who left a picture of a ghost on my desk?
Roland: [gasping] I can't believe you opened that?
Moira: It was sitting on my desk!
Roland: That's the sonogram of our baby! I was trying not to open it.
Moira: But it's a...
Roland: Don't say anything. We don't want to know the sex of our baby!

Moira: I need to speak to our daughter.
Johnny: Good luck with that!
Moira: [raising her voice] Oh, my GOD, where did you hear THAT?
[Alexis scurries into the room]

Moira: I'm so happy that I wrestled you away today for this... oenological escapade. I finally have you all to myself, David. When's the last time you and I had a whole day together with nary a care in the world?
David: I mean, I am in the middle of planning a wedding, while also building a successful retail empire.
Moira: Yes you are. Then grant me this precious moment before there's a ring on your finger, to say chin-chin to you and your husband-to-be.
David: This feels remarkably selfless.
Moira: You and Patrick are two good grapes.
David: Hmm.
Moira: Different notes, different tannins, but... together, you've managed to make one perfect blend.
David: Thank you.

Johnny: You know, I was a little worried about the menorah being so close to the garland. The last thing we want is for the motel to burn down.
Moira: Or is it?
Johnny: What?

Moira: Let's all pray we don't wake up!

Moira: Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at the amfAR dinner? 'You are the life you accept for yourself.' Those are Goldie's words. Or something someone said to her. In india. Or, perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me. I will not accept this life and neither should you.

Moira: It would be her first piece of clothing made outside of mainland China. I'm gonna do it.

Johnny: Get me the rubber gloves
Moira: But Johnny they are Tom Ford, and they won't fit you.

Lawyer: To Johnny's credit, this town might just be your saving grace, at least for a while.
Moira: What do you mean?
Lawyer: You can live there for next to nothing, until you get back on your feet.
Moira: I'm sure there's a penthouse we can move into. Please, there are other options.
Lawyer: Well, homelessness is still on the table.

David: I just found out that the person who voted in favor of that disgusting store was my own mother!
Moira: I did it to protect you!

Andy: $975,00, that's a lotta cheddar
[leering at Moira]
Andy: - don't you think so, Sweet Cheeks?
Moira: [deprecatingly] "Sweet Cheeks"... Well aren't YOU the old fashioned charmer!

Moira: [jabbing a finger at Stevie] Hey! Track that cycle, missy!

Stevie: [Knocks on Johnny and Moira's door] Mr. Rose, there's a dead body in room 4
Johnny: Stevie come in!
Johnny: I don't think that's a very relevant question, Moira. I mean we can't have people finding out that there's a dead body in the room
Alexis: Ooh!
Alexis: There's a dead body in the room?
David: I knew there was going to be a murder here so I'm just going to pack up and I assume we're moving out?
Johnny: No, we're not moving out and everybody calm down. There hasn't been a murder here
Stevie: The old man in room 4 died alone in his sleep.
David: Why do I find that scenario to be even more bone-chilling than murder?
Moira: Stevie, do we know how this man expired?
Stevie: Do I look like a coroner?
Alexis: I don't think you want that question to be answered.

David: Hey can you spare some... Oh my god! OH MY GOD!
Moira: [Shrieks] DAVID! OH!
Alexis: Oh my god what's going on?
David: Oh my god! I saw hell is what's going on. Oh my god! Oh my god!
Johnny: David what you just saw was your mother and me having a very intimate moment
David: I know what I saw I cannot unsee that!
Johnny: And I refuse to feel guilty about being in bed with my wife.
Alexis: Oh my god, you poor thing.
Moira: I hate to tell you this but having sex isn't just about having children so that they can grow up and make you feel guilty about it.
Alexis: OH MY GOD CAN YOU STOP THIS PLEASE?
Moira: I will NOT be shamed. Shame on you
David: Shame on you for attempting that position at 8:00 in the morning.
Johnny: Do you know just how hard it is to share a wall with the two of you?
David: I do now.
Johnny: Now if you two don't mind we are going back into our room and don't even think about opening that door.
Moira: [Glaring at Johnny] Oh, are you serious?
Johnny: Next time.
David: [Whispering] Oh my god!
Alexis: No, no, no, no, no!

Moira: Did I used to have a drinking problem?

Marisa: [hearing the doorbell ring and opening the door] Immigration?
Reposession: Revenue.
Marisa: Mrs. Rose! There are people here from the government.
Moira: [shrieking] I've been gutted. John, I've been stripped of every morsel of pleasure I earned in this life.
Johnny: Well, how do you think I feel, Moira? Eli was family, for god sake! "Leave your finances to me," he said! Son of a bitch.
Alexis: Baby, it's crazy, people are just, like, taking our stuff!
[shouting into her phone]
Alexis: I said they're taking our stuff! Can you just step out of the club for a second, please?
[notices a CAS agent taking off with her purses]
Alexis: Hold on, hold on. Those bags are not for you. My boyfriend bought those for me, so theoretically, they are his.
Reposession: Please, sir, can you step aside?
David: No, you step aside! YOU STEP ASIDE! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what kind of a sick person wants to get paid to destroy another person's life. DESTROY ANOTHER PERSON'S LIFE! Where are you taking that?
Moira: My very soul has been kidnapped, there's no ransom. NO ONE'S COMING TO SAVE ME!
Johnny: We've got 15 minutes to collect our personals. Can we pick up the pace?

Moira: So, I guess you heard the news...
Jocelyn: I heard there was someone interested in buying...
Moira: Yes, we're leaving!
Jocelyn: I didn't know it was finalized...
Moira: And since we're leaving- Dear God, it feels good to be saying that!- I would like to give you this as a little keepsake to remember me by.
Moira: [faltering] Wow... Is... is it a wig?
Moira: It's a coat; it's THE coat!
Jocelyn: [dubiously] What coat?
Moira: The coat you kept going on about that one time.
Jocelyn: Are you sure it was me?
Moira: Oh, it's absolutely tragic, Jocelyn, that I will never see or speak to you ever again. But I will have my memories and you will have this incredible coat.
[hugging Jocelyn enthusiastically]
Moira: Goodbye, dear friend!
Moira: [cringing] Goodbye, Moira Rose.

Johnny: Alexis, what the hell is the matter with you?
Alexis: Okay... Stavros is flying in to get me and I am going to go live with him for a little bit.
Moira: Well, that is not happening. And I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous, whore.
[Turning to Twyla]
Moira: Oh, hello!
Twyla: Hi, I'm Twyla, I'll be your waitress today. Anyway, I read about you guys, and everything you've gone through, it sounds super crappy.
Johnny: Super crappy?
Twyla: I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing, he made a ton of money. It turns out his entire business was illegal, and he lost everything.
Johnny: Hmm... not quite the same.

Moira: I've got some good news family. You, know the photographer Sebastien Raine?
David: That's my ex?
Moira: Well, he's coming from New York to photograph me for a project that I'm working on. I wanted to go to New York for a change of scenery but he insisted that I respect his wishes.
David: He was a monster!
Alexis: Didn't you date him for 4 months?
David: Okay, it was 3 months not counting the times he was talking to other people.
Alexis: You were eating mall pretzels and watching Bridget Jones's Diary.
David: I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels!