The Best Jennifer Robertson Quotes

Jocelyn: You wanna audition for the Jazzagals?
Moira: Audition? Though I'm sure you mean no offence, in the actual world of entertainment, I'm what's known as, "offer only."
Jocelyn: Moira, I know you're a great singer, but everybody has to audition, and I can't have you not audition - it would open up a whole can of worms. I mean, even Gwen had to audition, and she was in a regional production of "Annie."

David: [Standing on the chair] Everyone? I would just like to say a big congratulations to Team Cabaret. You guys were awesome. Speaking of love...
Roland: [Raspy voice] Somebody got engaged!
David: Speaking of love, I'm so glad that you're all here because Patrick and I have an announcement to make.
Jocelyn: [Very drunk] They're getting married!
David: Jocelyn! I'm the one standing on the chair! Two years ago I went to fill out some paperwork for my business license and little did I know I would meet the love of my
[Moira's phone starts ringing]
David: MY. GOD!
Moira: Sorry, this is me. It's probably press. I'm sorry David I have to take this. I already know about your engagement!
[blows David kisses]
Ronnie: So you're engaged to him?
David: Okay, so this shouldn't be so hard!
Alexis: Oh my god, David spit it out!
David: Oh my god! Fine! I met someone who changed my life and I don't know what I would do without him? So yes, we all know that Patrick and I are engaged!
Moira: NO! NO! NO!
Stevie: My God!
Johnny: [Everyone runs into the other room to find Moira collapsed on the floor] If it's a bad review Moira I wouldn't trust local critics.
Moira: They shelved the Crowing! It's over.
[Moira crawls into a closet, shuts the door and starts crying]
Johnny: [Standing in front of the closet door] Show's over people! Nothing here to see.
David: Okay everyone if you can just leave your champagne flutes here. Unless you still want to make a toast?
[Patrick shakes his head no]
David: Okay just leave your champagne flutes here. Thank you!

Jocelyn: Let's hear it for the children's choir with their Kylie Minogue melody. Those are some racy lyrics. Now our next performer will surprise you because she certainly surprised me when she told me that she switched up her entire act when somebody put a pretty hefty deposit on a wall of mirrors.
[Jocelyn cries under her breath]
Jocelyn: And now the main event.
David: [Taking the microphone from Jocelyn] Oh thank you very much. Burr, it's cold in here.
Alexis: [Turning to her dad] Is this the number?
David: [as Moira knocks on the stage door frame] Hey I wonder who that could be?
[Moira walks out on the stage]
David: Hey! It's TV's Moira Rose?
Moira: That's TV's mom to you! When I think of how many people in this town die from asbestos poisoning? But when I think that this town could be asbestos-free before...
David: Christmas!
Alexis: [Turning to Patrick] They used to do this every year at our Christmas Party every year and you can't unsee stuff like this.
[Patrick laughs]
David: Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding dong, ding, dong
Moira: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me the keys to a Lamborghini.
David: [David and Moira Sing Oh Come All Ye Faithful and Deck The Halls at the same time] I say faithful but I can't say the same for all of you!
[David and Moira God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen together]

Jocelyn: At this point, either he's crying, or I am.

David: Stevie!
Stevie: I'm sorry I'm late. I went to Almdale and got stuck in traffic.
Jocelyn: Stevie! Thank god you're here!
David: I'm sorry. I never should have told you!
Stevie: No! Patrick gave me his blessing to pick something up. I hate driving to Almdale I could have done this any other time this week but I will yell at Patrick later.
David: I thought you were upset?
Stevie: These are for you. Soon you'll be moving in with Patrick and I won't be around to give you towels when you need them.
David: Thank you. I love the monogram and the thread colour choice. I love you in this outfit!
Stevie: Hey! Pretty soon you're going to be a married man. Oh! Mrs. Rose, Were you planning on taking my place?
Moira: No, I was just here to offer support. Excuse me I'll just go.
[Weeping]
David: Good luck!

Moira: Jocelyn, I'm so glad I've run into you. Roland was mentioning your fundraiser earlier today and it got me thinking...
Jocelyn: My... what?
Moira: Your annual fundraiser for the children with troubled mouths.
Jocelyn: Oh, right. Yes. It's gonna be quite a night.

Moira: [after Jocelyn puts her hand on Moira's shoulder] I already told you I don't know?
Jocelyn: It's okay Moira. Roland and I went to the doctor and he said we're having a boy!
Moira: Oh, that's wonderful! Right now my boy is being serenaded by his butter voiced beau.

Jocelyn: You rocked out with the Stones?
Moira: All except Charlie, but every party needs a pooper.

Jocelyn: Here's the thing: these parties are - not great. Last year, it went to 3:00 AM with Twyla going around winking at everyone, till she realized she hadn't picked a murderer. And the year before that, she had THREE murderers, and one of them actually robbed the cafe!

Moira: [during her inspirational talk to Jocelyn's class] Don't let the bastards get you down!
Jocelyn: [cringing and whispering] Can't say bastard.
Moira: The opportunities will diminish and the ass will get bigger- oh yes, it will -
[turning and pointing at a girl]
Moira: especially yours; you're going to have a huge ass!

Moira: So, I guess you heard the news...
Jocelyn: I heard there was someone interested in buying...
Moira: Yes, we're leaving!
Jocelyn: I didn't know it was finalized...
Moira: And since we're leaving- Dear God, it feels good to be saying that!- I would like to give you this as a little keepsake to remember me by.
Moira: [faltering] Wow... Is... is it a wig?
Moira: It's a coat; it's THE coat!
Jocelyn: [dubiously] What coat?
Moira: The coat you kept going on about that one time.
Jocelyn: Are you sure it was me?
Moira: Oh, it's absolutely tragic, Jocelyn, that I will never see or speak to you ever again. But I will have my memories and you will have this incredible coat.
[hugging Jocelyn enthusiastically]
Moira: Goodbye, dear friend!
Moira: [cringing] Goodbye, Moira Rose.

Roland: Oh, hello!
Moira: Shh! Shh! Shh!
Roland: Greet- What?
Jocelyn: Shh!
Roland: What?
Moira: I just put him down!
Jocelyn: Oh my gosh, you got little Roland to sleep?
Moira: Oh no, I'm talking about John.

David: [Looking at Patrick] I told Stevie this morning the next thing I know she's nowhere to be found. People who I haven't even talked to are coming up and talking to me. I just wish this whole engagement announcement hadn't gotten so out of control.
Jocelyn: Gentlemen, pre-show drama aside I just want to say congratulations to the future Mr and Mr or is it Misters?
David: See what I mean? Now Jocelyn how did you find out?
Jocelyn: Moira, or maybe Alexis.
Patrick: Thanks, Jocelyn but I'm a little more concerned about the show.
Jocelyn: Don't worry! Moira said she has a backup plan.

Johnny: [scolding] No Don, here's the joke. The joke is that I'm sitting at a half-decent restaurant with my wife, and our friends and all you two have done is complain about the food and pretend that you didn't leave us high and dry after we lost everything.
Moira: I'm past that point now!
Johnny: I'm not quite past it yet Moira. You wrote us off, Don. Not a nickel. Not a phone call. Not an e-mail? Roland and Jocelyn here could not have been more generous with what little they have. They found us a place to live. They lent us their truck when we needed it. They invited us to their parties. They even offered to take us out to dinner tonight.
Roland: Just to be clear, Johnny, we were always going to split the bill it's just with the coupon...
Jocelyn: [Whispering] Roland? Roland? No!
[Jocelynn looks smug]
Johnny: And that town you passed through? It's not called Schittsville. It's called Schitt's Creek and it's where we live.