The Best Sarah Levy Quotes

David: Okay, so I told Patrick that there's a salmonella outbreak at the cafe, so he will not be coming here until I tell him to tonight.
Twyla: Oh. Is it possible you could maybe choose a lie that doesn't make the cafe look like it's in violation of health codes?
David: I think it's a pretty good one.

Johnny: Uh, Twyla, do you get along with your parents?
Twyla: I did. It's a little different now. My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela. And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison.

Stevie: Um, happy birthday!
David: Thank you!
Stevie: Is this okay?
David: Yeah! Why?
Stevie: Because he brought you a present. It's very nicely wrapped. So, I think I'm crashing a date.
David: Oh, no. No, no!
Stevie: He thinks you guys were here one-on-one. He bought you a present. I didn't even get you a present.
David: No, I noticed that.
Stevie: Do you want me to look?
David: No, I don't want you to look.
Stevie: [placing Patrick's gift on the table] Okay, I'll just say this. If there's anything remotely sentimental in here, he is on a date with you right now.
Patrick: [returning from the restroom] Oh, I see you found my present?
David: Um, yeah, we just didn't want anything to spill on it.
Patrick: So you put it on the table?
David: Yeah.
Stevie: Open it, David!
Patrick: Oh no no no! You can open it later. It's really not a big deal.
David: [pulling the gift toward himself] This is the first gift that I haven't bought myself in a very long time, so thank you.
Patrick: You're going to be so underwhelmed when you open it. Trust me, its not... See, it's nothing.
Stevie: What is it?
Patrick: It's just the receipt from our first sale at the store.
David: Um, this is not nothing, so thank you.
Twyla: I overheard that someone wanted mozzarella sticks for their birthday. Pretty sure I scraped off all the freezer burn.
Patrick: Wow, look at those.
Twyla: Do you guys need anything else, cause I'm heading out?
Stevie: You know what, I have to go too. I totally forgot. I'm gonna take some to go.
Twyla: Okay, I should warn you, those don't travel well. Even coming from the kitchen, they lost a lot of shape.
[Stevie signals to David that Patrick is a good one and then she leaves]
David: Um, this is a very solid frame.
Patrick: Thank you, I'm learning.

Twyla: Now, let's feel the inner edge of those thighs.
[to Alexis, who is running her hands along Mutt's inner thighs]
Twyla: Um, Mutt should support his own thighs.

Twyla: Hey, Bob, how are you holding up?
Bob: Oh, you know... not bad.
Twyla: You know, they say death is just life except you're not here. You're somewhere else, you know? But - but that's okay because at least you're somewhere, you know? But when does - when does somewhere become there? And when does there become here? And I - it...
Bob: Just.. just a coffee, please.

Patrick: I know you're annoyed that the surprise got blown but this party may go down as one of the happiest nights of my life.
David: I guess that makes up for the fact that no one ate the crab cakes.
Patrick: So how long have they known?
David: I'm sorry?
Patrick: My parents? How long have they known about us?
David: I don't, I don't know what you're talking about?
Patrick: David! I know my parents. They're not good actors! They knew about us right?
David: Okay! My dad might have told them but he thought they knew?
Patrick: And that gift basket that you gave them, that I'm hoping that you paid for, that had nothing to do with you trying to smooth things over with them?
David: It was just a very messy day. I was trying to detangle everything and just make things okay.
Patrick: Yeah! Well, you made everything okay!
[David and Patrick begin to passionately kiss each other]
Twyla: Not to step on the moment but I do have to lock up in 5.
Patrick: Right!

Twyla: Were the crows nice? Cause my uncle had a parrot who kept asking me to take my bra off.

Patrick: Miene Damen und Herren, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am your host.
Patrick: [singing] Wilkommen, Bienvenue Welcome, Fremde, Etanger Stranger Hello stranger Glukich zu sehen, Je suis enchanter Enchante madame Happy to see you, bliebe, resta, stay, wir saghen Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome raw Fremde, etanger, stranger ooh Glukich zu sehen, je suis enchante happy to see you, bleibe, resta, stay, wir saghen Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome, to Cabaret, au Cabaret, to Cab-a-ret

Moira: My campaign has been hijacked. I need some tea. Twyla?
Twyla: Tea?
Moira: No thank you.

Twyla: My dad always said, "When in doubt, say it with a song." He was a roadie for Fleetwood Mac, and that was the last thing Mick said to him - before the band hit him with a restraining order.

Johnny: Alexis, what the hell is the matter with you?
Alexis: Okay... Stavros is flying in to get me and I am going to go live with him for a little bit.
Moira: Well, that is not happening. And I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous, whore.
[Turning to Twyla]
Moira: Oh, hello!
Twyla: Hi, I'm Twyla, I'll be your waitress today. Anyway, I read about you guys, and everything you've gone through, it sounds super crappy.
Johnny: Super crappy?
Twyla: I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing, he made a ton of money. It turns out his entire business was illegal, and he lost everything.
Johnny: Hmm... not quite the same.

Twyla: Feel free to use the restraints.
[Johnny groans]
Alexis: Pick a safe word!

Twyla: And that golden ring means prosperity. Either that, or it's a stain from a beer bottle, because my Mom's ex gave me that deck.