The Best Alan Bergmann Quotes

Major: [talking into a phone in Col. Klink's office] I suggest you call your top Intelligence people immediately to get my report.
Col. Klink: So you are really German? You know, the moment you came in, I said to myself, "That American officer's a German agent." I could sense it.
Major: One hour? Good. Yes, the Tempelhof Hotel tonight at 9:00. I'll arrange transportation from here from Colonel Klinkel.
Col. Klink: Klink! K-L-I...
Major: Oh, it was really quite simple. I cut a few lines, the plane lost power, and then I directed them to a field that I previously selected. The fools even considered me a hero.
Lieutenant J.B. Miller: [listening in with Col. Hogan and his crew, enraged] Major Martin, a German spy. Boy, that...
[attempts to leave, but Col. Hogan holds him back]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hold it. Hold it. That's not gonna do any good.
LeBeau: There's nothing we can do.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [sighs] Maybe there is.
Major: Hi Hitler.
Col. Klink: Fascinating. You know, I should be an espionage worker. I have a great talent for it. Even as a boy, I used to write messages in invisible ink.
[pause]
Col. Klink: Lemon juice.
Major: Colonel, you never asked for my credentials.
Col. Klink: Ah, there's no need for it. As I told you, I knew the very minute...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's it. Baker, I'm gonna need a phone tap. Miller, listen to everything he says. Carter...
[motions for Carter to come closer]
Major: You heard me, Colonel, I require a car. Have it ready in 15 minutes.
Col. Klink: As a matter of fact, I could even attend the meeting with you.
Major: Where can I wash up?
Col. Klink: Oh, use my quarters. You know, I could be of great help to your espionage work. From my study of Allied prisoners, I could even get a small, little talk. Something about "know your enemy"...
[Strausser walks into Klink's quarters and slams the door in Klink's face]

Jerry: [after saving Mannix from an almost deliberate hit-and-run] Crazy fool could've killed you!
Joe: Yeah, thanks, huh?
Jerry: You, uh, debt collecting?
Joe: No.
Jerry: Bail bondsman.
Joe: No. Why? Should I be?
Jerry: Well, looked like that creep was trying to hit you.
Joe: Why would he do a thing like that?
Jerry: You want me to find out? I got his license number. Come on, let's, uh... let's talk about it over a cup of coffee.
Joe: Uh, no, thanks. Maybe some other time, huh?
Jerry: Yeah, sure. Uh, here's my card. Uh... call me.
[hands Mannix his card]
Joe: [reading the card] Jerry Vane, private investigator.
Jerry: One of the best, if I say so myself. What's your name?
Joe: Mannix.
Jerry: Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Man... Joe Mannix?
[Mannix nods]
Jerry: First whiff of a job I get all month, and it turns out to be Mr. Private Peeper himself.
Joe: Now, look, uh...
Jerry: Oh, no, no, no, no. Please, please. I wouldn't hear of it. Uh, consider it, uh, professional courtesy. You know, one... one pro to another.
Joe: Thanks. I mean it.
[turns and walks away]
Jerry: If anybody's going to turn up Gordon Cameron...
[Mannix stops and turns]
Jerry: ... you're the guy, Mannix.
Joe: [opens his car door] Hop in. Let's have that cup of coffee.
[Vane nods and gets into the passenger seat of Mannix's car]

Colonel: [interrogating the waiter who talked to Dr. Considine and Joe after Dr. Waldo left their hotel room] The two Americans, where did they go?
Room: How should I know?
Colonel: [slaps the waiter] You're lying! We have information that you were the last person who in touch with them before they left that hotel. Now, where did you send them?
Room: I brought them their lunch, that's all. I was their waiter.
Colonel: You mean their contact! Admit it!
Room: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a waiter, and that's all I am.
Colonel: When you're not working for the Victor Lucas movement! That's more like it, isn't it?
[grabs the waiter by the shirt]
Colonel: You're working for it, the two Americans are working for it. They leave you, they meet others, and all of them viciously attack government forces. You're all in it together.
Room: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a waiter. I told you that before.
Colonel: Take him downstairs. Make him talk. I WANT TO KNOW WHERE VICTOR LUCAS IS HIDING!
[one of DuPar's guards leaves with the waiter]
Colonel: The two Americans are connected with the movement. They must be.
Dr. Ernestine Waldo: Yes, of course. But the vital question is, how? For what purpose?
Colonel: Well, we have means of knowing soon enough. He'll talk.
Dr. Ernestine Waldo: Two of your best men lie dead in the morgue, a third critically wounded. I'm sure you're not simply waiting.
Colonel: Needless to say, a city-wide dragnet for the entire group is already underway.
Dr. Ernestine Waldo: I would have thought nationwide.
Colonel: I'm extending it to that, of course.

Alan: [after Mannix brings Boone up to the Stabler's apartment to question him about taunting Tom] Look, I'm sorry. It was just a joke.
Tom: A joke?
Alan: Yeah, a bad joke. I'm sorry.
Tom: You scared my wife half to death!
Lisa: You must be sick!
Alan: I SAID I'M SORRY!
[pause]
Alan: Sometimes I get these crazy impulses.
Joe: Let's see some identification.
Alan: What for?
Joe: Okay. We'll let the police ask the questions.
Alan: Oh, wait! Wait!
[takes out his wallet]
Alan: Here.
Joe: [takes the wallet and looks inside] "Alan Boone. 2135 Cerrito Road. Sacramento."
Alan: Yeah. You see, I'm a salesman. I'm on the road all the time. Sometimes I get these crazy impulses. But I'm leaving town tomorrow.
Joe: There's a one-way plane ticket to San Jose.
Alan: You see? You see? I'll be gone! I'll never come this way again.
Tom: Why did you do it?
[pause]
Alan: [looking at Mrs. Stabler] It's her. Beautiful girl. I guess I get jealous. I don't know. I'm sorry.
[pause]
Joe: You want to prefer charges, Mr. Stabler?
Tom: [thinks for a second] He's out from under his rock now. Let him go.
Joe: Well, he frightened your wife. He could call somebody else. The only way you can stop him is to prefer charges.
Alan: No, no, honest!
[pause]
Tom: Mr. Mannix, we don't want any trouble. I mean reporters hanging around and all that. I don't want to prefer charges. Let's just drop it.
[Mannix nods and hands Boone his wallet back]
Alan: [takes the wallet and runs toward the door] Thanks a million. I promise I'll never... I promise. Thanks.
[walks out the door]
Tom: It's over. We're grateful.
Lisa: Yes, thank you.
Joe: Glad I could help. As a matter of fact, I think I may have eliminated part of a problem of my own.

Claudio: My arm is hurting.
Fabian: Yes, well I can see you've got a wound there and I'll take care of it. The blood, don't drop it on the carpet because it gives the mourners a very bad impression.

Conforti: All right, Mr. Mannix, what can I tell you about Victor Brady?
Joe: Just looking around here, I'd say you're a pretty good judge of the value of things.
Conforti: Why don't you say what's on your mind and save us both time?
Joe: For instance, you knew that Victor Brady was more valuable dead than alive, maybe.
Conforti: You know, whenever one of our more important patrons meets with a fatal misfortune, it's naturally assumed that we somehow manipulated his fate. It's a very unfair stereotype, believe me.
Joe: Please, please. Spare me the violins. Victor Brady was your loser of the month, wasn't he?
Conforti: The best reason I know of to want him alive and well.
Joe: Unless you also knew he was broke.
Conforti: I had no idea. Oh, well, we both know that gambling debts are not collectable.
Joe: Aren't they?
Conforti: Not even weight lifters use muscle anymore.
Joe: Well, Mrs. Brady will be very comforted to hear that. You know, extortion on this scale could cost somebody about 20 years. It sure would be a shame to waste this bodybuilding program.
Conforti: Look, Mannix, I've got a lot of live ones out there to worry about. So, if you came here to lean on me... you did.
Joe: Oh, not lean. Learn.
Conforti: [opens the door leading to the hallway outside his office] School's out. Careful going home.

Dr. Ernestine Waldo: [talking to Dr. Breem on the phone, about Joe and Dr. Considine escaping with the hospital with a pacemaker] You saw them take it?
Dr. Green: Two men. They're here now.
Dr. Ernestine Waldo: I'll get back to you, Doctor.
[hangs up]
Dr. Ernestine Waldo: Pacemaker. They stole the pacemaker. We've wondered why we've heard so little action from Victor Lucas lately. It's his heart. For whom else would they go to such trouble?
[the phone rings]
Colonel: [answers the phone] Yes?
[an indistinct voice talks over the phone]
Colonel: What?
[turns to Dr. Waldo]
Colonel: We've lost them on the radar screen. They must have dropped to tree level.
Dr. Ernestine Waldo: Their course until then?
Colonel: Uh, north by northwest.
Dr. Ernestine Waldo: Well, aren't you going to do something? I went an immediate concentration of aerial reconnaissance on the northeast sectors.
Colonel: [turns back to the phone where the indistinct voice continues] Well, if you heard what she said, then do it!
[hangs up]
Colonel: Well, at least give me credit for one thing.
Dr. Ernestine Waldo: Of course, Albert.
Colonel: I've got a man in their camp right now. He can do more than all your reconnaissance planes.

Major: [in disbelief] You're an American.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Someone around here has to be.