250 Best Col. Klink Quotes

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [telling Klink what a good catch Burkhalter's sister is to marry] Gertrude is just the kind of woman you need. She's clever, forceful, efficient, thrifty.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What about her looks?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What's there to behold? She looks like her brother.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: A-ha, those Staff Officers they are so clever.
General: Klink! I am a Staff Officer!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I did not mean you, sir. You're not clever.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Perfect! It's going like clockwork.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: We must have a car waiting to take Baumann to the airfield.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, I'll arrange that. You can depend on me, Major.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I will arrange it. I'd rather depend on me.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, now that you mention it, so would I.

Colonel: If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing; you are ignorant.
Schultz: Oh, I can handle that.
Colonel: I know.

Col. Hogan: [up in the kommandant's face] Funny I never noticed what thin, cruel lips you have.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I have thin, cruel lips?
Col. Hogan: Mm-hm. And your eyes...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I have thin, cruel eyes, too?
Col. Hogan: No, cold and hard! The twinkle and laughter is gone. They're not the same smiling Prussian eyes you once had.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: My lips don't feel the least bit thin.
Col. Hogan: Give us back the warm, understanding kommandant we respected and... yes, some of us even loved.

General: I have only one sister.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thank heaven for that.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Terrible things are happening to us. Why?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, this is the last time I'm going to tell you no for the last time!

Colonel: [to Burkhalter, over the radio, about the party] I'm only sorry there is no ice cream. We had pistachio, but one of the guards shot it with a machine gun.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Right now, I feel like a man with both feet in a pair of snowshoes.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Klink thinks Burkhalter is there to make him marry his sister Gertrude] Well, you see, sir, this is very difficult for me to say, but, uh, I feel in my heart that I am not worthy of Gertrude.
General: I feel the same way.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Then why do you want me to marry her?
General: Are you crazy, Klink? It's my niece, Frieda, and she's marrying Count Von Hertzel.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Count Von Hertzel?
General: Do you think I would ever let a Burkhalter marry a Klink?

[Colonel Klink prepares tests to prove the superiority of German fliers]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: But, Colonel Klink, this is a German instrument panel. It's an unfair test. Naturally the German pilots are gonna look better.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Naturally.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Ya mean...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The aim of a research project, my dear Hogan, is not to discover new facts. We already know the Luftwaffe personnel are superior. Here we are merely furnishing scientific proof
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And, surely, we'll get a chance to get acquainted with this.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: When you take the test, it'll be plenty of time.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You know, every time I come face to face with this cruel German cunning, I always wonder why MY side is winning.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [talking with Colonel Becker] General Burkhalter tells me that you are the commandant of a POW camp, just like me.
General: Not like you. He knows what he's doing.

Colonel: [repeated line]
Colonel: No prisoner has ever escaped from Stalag 13!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: That's rather remarkable. Wouldn't you say so?
Col. Hogan: Yeah, I'd say so, but would the man with the say so say so?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [reading a dispatch from General Burkhalter] At the suggestion of the Gestapo, Sergeant Schultz is hereby commended for efficiency in the performance of his duty.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: But I'm not guilty!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, call Col. Hogan.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: COLONEL HOGAAAAAAAAAAN!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: No, go GET him!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl.

Col. Klink: May I say that with men like you on the side of the 3rd Reich, we shall sweep on to inevitable victory. How did you happen to lose the rocket?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: What are you waiting for? Cut the wire.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's the problem. One of these wires disconnects the fuse, the other one fires the bomb. Which one would you cut, Shultz?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Don't ask me, this is a decision for an officer.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: All right. Which wire, Colonel Klink?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: This one.
[points to the white wire]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're sure?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Cuts the black wire, the bomb stops ticking]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: If you knew which wire it was, why did you ask me?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I wasn't sure which was the right one, but I was certain you'd pick the wrong one.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [hesitant against turning against Burkhalter] Did I tell you that I almost married the General's sister?
Colonel: [angrily] We ALL almost married the General's sister.
Colonel: Congratulations on your narrow escape.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: I was prepared to be ignorant, Herr General, just as you ordered.
General: The most unnecessary orders I ever gave.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Klink explaining the purchasing plan] I understand they're already beginning to call it the "Klink Plan".
General: Oh? Who calls it the "Klink Plan"?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, some of the gang back at the stalag.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: What is it, a party?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, you might say that it is.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You look more like it was a funeral.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, you might say that too.

Major: I'm afraid I don't speak French. I was hoping perhaps that you may, Herr Colonel.
Col. Klink: Oh well, just for social purposes, I realy don't speak it.
Major: Do you, Sergeant?
Sgt. Schultz: Yes, Herr Major. I tried it once. I got my face slapped.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What's your defense, sir?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Since Colonel Hauptmann has served his country gallantly in the past, I will try for a smaller firing squad.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: We Germans have stopped making Russian front jokes last November.

Col. Klink: [to General Von Richter] Did you get back to your base alright last night?
General: mmm... I got back there alright. But when I got there, it wasn't there.
Col. Hogan: One of your airfields is missing?
[Von Richter gives Hogan a dirty look]
General: Klink, every time I get mixed up with you, you are a jinx. I never want you to contact me again.
[Limps to the door, turns and shouts]
General: And that is an order!
Col. Klink: [to Hogan after General Von Richter leaves] The ingrate! The way he acts, no one would know that I was the one that taught him how to fly.
Col. Hogan: Oh, everybody would know. They can tell by his limp.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [as Klink and Burkhalter are walking toward the plane] There is nothing to worry about, Herr General. I gave orders to shoot anyone who comes near the plane. Shoot first and ask questions later. That's what I said.
General: [Burkhalter stops] Shoot anyone?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Anyone!
General: [Burkhalter and Klink run away] Don't you think you'd better recall that order before we go near that plane?

Sgt. Schultz: Herr Kommandant, do you remember the English sergeant who was our prisoner for a couple of minutes today?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Are you trying to tell me that Sergeant Flood has escaped?
Sgt. Schultz: THAT'S what I'm trying very hard NOT to tell you.

Colonel: [while Klink has been talking to Hogan, Langenscheidt has been helping the heroes assemble a 'puzzle', which is actually a torn-up map]
[going to leave]
Colonel: Langenscheidt.
[the Corporal goes on with the puzzle]
Colonel: Langenscheidt! This is for the prisoners! Find some other way to amuse yourself!

SS: I never worry about prisoners. I never take any.
Col. Klink: You don't?
SS: I like my enemy only one way - dead.

Berlin: Colonel Klink?
Col. Klink: Yes, I am.
Berlin: You must be Corporal Newkirk.
[Newkirk gulps]
Berlin: [notices that Klink's coat is catching fire from Newkirk's cigar] Colonel, I believe you're on fire.
[Klink nods]
Newkirk: No, I am.
Col. Klink: You're right.
[notices that his coat is smoking]
Col. Klink: FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
[Newkirk throws water onto the smoking spot of Klink's coat]
Newkirk: There, that ought to do it, sir.
Col. Klink: Thank you so much.
Berlin: Corporal Newkirk, Dr. Goebels' most grateful for your contribution to the Third Reich, and of course, to your own country. You will be amply rewarded.
Newkirk: Thank you, Fraulein.
Berlin: Betty?
[looking coyly at Newkirk]
Newkirk: Thank you, Betty. I've already written me speech. Would you like to take a look at it?
[takes out his speech and shows it to Berlin Betty]
Berlin: Yes, I... I believe that will be most effective, but, uh, perhaps we should discuss this privately. Mm?
Col. Klink: And I thought perhaps you might be able to use me on your broadcast. I'm told I have a fantastic voice.
Berlin: Really?
Col. Klink: Oh, yes. In the Luftwaffe, I was always chosen to broadcast from the tower because of my, uh, resonance, my projection, and my incredible diction.
Berlin: How interesting.
Col. Klink: [imitating calling on an airfield radio, with one hand to his ear, simulating an earpiece] Schwartz Airfield calling Messerschmitt 2... 7... 1...
Newkirk: I haven't heard a voice like that since Eric von Stroheim.
Berlin: Now, would you mind, Colonel? I would like to discuss the Corporal's speech with him. Uh, may we use your quarters?
Col. Klink: Why, of course! Everything is ready! Schultz!

Col. Hogan: Guys oughta gimme a little notice when you're gonna do something decent.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Really?
Col. Hogan: Yeah. I faint very easily.

Col. Klink: [Countess Marlene opens the door to her apartment] Good evening.
Countess: Good evening, Colonel. Come in.
[Klink walks into her apartment]
Countess: You're late.
Col. Klink: Oh, I'm sorry. There was an emergency at camp. A top-level decision. The traffic was terrible. I hurried as much as I could, honest.
Countess: Just so that you're here. Sometimes, Colonel, it pays to keep a woman waiting. I've heard so much about you. You're much better looking than pictures. And I've waited such a long time for this little rendezvous.
Col. Klink: Have you?
Countess: Mm. And now that I'm close to you, I find you even more attractive than I thought. Those blue eyes... that full mouth... Mm. I'm in the presence of a love god.
[kisses Klink]
Countess: Oh, you shouldn't have done that!
Col. Klink: I lost control.
Countess: Some wine, Colonel.
Col. Klink: Please.
[Countess Marlene pours a glass for Klink]
Countess: You know, I'm think I finally met my match.
[spills wine on Klink]
Countess: Oh, I'm so sorry!
Col. Klink: Oh, it's nothing. It's just a little stain.
Countess: You better take that off.
Col. Klink: Oh, yes, I will, I will.
[as he takes off his coat, Countess Marlene hands him a night gown]
Col. Klink: Oh, thank you.
Countess: Here, slip this on while I try to clean that.
Col. Klink: Do you know that a suspicious person might think that you done this purposely?
Countess: I'll be back in a minute. Don't... make me hunger all the more for your lips.
Col. Klink: Oh, hurry, please.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: You have practically ensured the success of the "Klink Plan".
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Who calls it the "Klink Plan"?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Some of the gang back in Berlin.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, I am very impressed by your attitude. You're being very helpful.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Thank you sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: As a matter of fact, I would be even more impressed *if the whole thing were not a lie*!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: General Burkhalter, What an unexpected pleasure to see you again sir.
General: Unexpected, Yes. Pleasure, No.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [at the rehearsal of the wedding Hilda dressed as the bride] I do not recall giving permission to Fraulein Hilda to be part of this.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You can kiss the bride.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh.

[Hogan has ordered Newkirk to fake a toothache]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [looks in Newkirk's mouth] Aha! Mouth stuffed with cotton wool!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [indignantly] That's to keep the tooth warm!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [boys are polishing Klink's car] These boys polish the car every time I come to see you.
Gerda: Hero worship.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Did you hear that, Schultz? The boys think I'm a hero.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: The joke is on them, Herr Kommandant.

General: Klink, the Gestapo will have men all around us.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I would feel a lot easier if they had a few in front of us.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [the men are planting flowers] I was not aware that you were such a nature lover.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Mm-hmm, we think it'll, uh it'll go a lot easier for you, sir - you should be prepared.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Prepared for what?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: For the liberation. When the Allies march in the front gate, it'll go a lot easier for you if you're standing there with a bouquet of pansies.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: How did you communicate with this Gestapo man? He has never been here.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I can't tell you that.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Did he communicate with you?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I can't tell you that.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Where would you get diamonds?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I can't tell you that either.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What can you tell me?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: There's a shortage of colonels at the Russian front.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, what do you want, Hogan?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just wanted to give you the overnight reaction of the critics, sir. On the performance.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, they all loved the girl, and the boy. They split about half and half on the mother and father.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: And... me?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sorry, sir. Too German looking.

Col. Klink: Answering General's question about where his tank is: We searched the grounds, the barracks, the prisoners.
General: The prisoners? No one had it in his pocket? We are talking about a Tiger tank Klink! Not a toy dump truck!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Now, Klink, last night, not too far from here, a convoy was blown up, almost totally destroyed. These lines are drawn from the points where the sabotage has taken place. Now, Klink, where do these lines cross?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Stalag 13.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: How do you explain this, Klink?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, we are centrally located.

Captain: [about Schultz] This is your best man?
Col. Klink: Yes, he is.
Captain: Guard him too.

[Hogan's typical obfuscation has just saved Klink's reputation before a Gestapo investigator - who has exited]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [surprised and aghast] Hogan, you are the biggest liar I've ever met in my whole life!
[Klink exits]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Colonel Hogan, he said a terrible thing to you!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I know.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: He called you a liar!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [dismissive] He really knows how to hurt a guy.
[both smile and then light up cigars]

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Col. Klink and Helga are listening to music being played by the POWs] You know, Helga, do you know that the whole of our beautiful national soul, our culture is expressed in "The Ride of the Valkyries?"
Helga: As a warrior, you must feel it deeply.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I do. Perhaps, someday, as a fallen hero, I shall be carried off to Valhalla across the saddle of a beautiful German war maiden, such as you my dear Helga.
Helga: Are you volunteering for active duty Herr Kommandant?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Be quiet and listen to the music!

Luftwaffe: Herr Colonel, you are in terrible physical condition.
Col. Klink: Oh, that is awful. You know, I had my heart so set on flying
Luftwaffe: However, you have passed the one important test for a combat assignment to the Russian front.
Col. Klink: I have?
Luftwaffe: You are breathing.

Col. Klink: One of our trucks is buried in the snow and we need someone to shovel it out.
Col. Hogan: Why don't you order your men to do it?
Col. Klink: Because my men are guarding your men and it's very difficult to hold a gun and a shovel at the same time.
Col. Hogan: No problem, we'll hold their guns for them.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan requests permission to see you.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Later, Schultz, I have no time for him now.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan requested me to tell you it is urgent.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Really? Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp? Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Me, too, Herr Komman...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Boy, are YOU running the camp.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Speak up, Schultz.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well Colonel Hogan asked me if he could leave the camp tonight again to see the baroness.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What did you tell him?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I said, Yes. Kommandant Klink's orders.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You fool! I warned you not to listen to me unless I tell you to.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Good riddance!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hochstetter's not such a bad guy, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: There's one nice thing about his being here. It's so good when he leaves.

General: [walks in] KLINK!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, General Burkhalter, what a pleasant surprise.
General: Surprise, yes. Pleasant, no.

Colonel: The SS has no friends.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, sir, I think you've got a good idea on that. After all, when you add up what you spend on dinner parties, luncheons, gifts, I mean, aha, who needs the expense of friendship when a little hatred doesn't cost you a cent?
General: [smiling dangerously] Shall we let Colonel Stieffer talk for a change?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, sir. Schultz! Not another word out of you until the colonel is finished.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sweetest set-up in the whole German army, and you wanted to be a general!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, every man in my class has made general.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: How many of them killed in action.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Quite a few.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: How many of them shot by the Führer?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Quite a few more.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And you couldn't be happy.

Col. Hogan: Tell your men not to follow too close behind me.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: They'll stay just within machine gun range.

Colonel: [to Klink] You command Stalag 13, I command Stalag 10, unt Bussie commands Stalag 19. General Burkhalter commands us. Now, if all three of us denounce him to the Gestapo - uh, separately but with the same complaint - then he will be deposed and one of us will be made general in his place.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ha-ha. But that's only one chance out of three.
Colonel: What chance do you have now?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [after a thought] Considerably less.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Burkhalter arrives] Ah, General Burkhalter, it is so good to see you again. You know this is really a marvelous surprise. We haven't had a friendly chat for some time.
General: We haven't had a friendly chat at any time.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [hanging up the phone] General Burkhalter, I'm sorry to say your sister has been kidnapped.
General: What do they want, Klink?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: They say we are holding a girl. I'm not holding a girl.
General: Neither am I.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I wish I were.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, are you a spy?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I don't know anything about the underground or sabotage.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What's there to know? You plant a bomb and a bridge blows up. A child could do that.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You must know some nice kids.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Two shots muffled. They've killed themselves. Come on, let's go.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [from behind a barrel] Col. Hogan, if they are dead, what is the hurry?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, you're a coward! Now, you go first!

Col. Klink: I run the only P.O.W. camp where the barracks are colder than the cooler.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Where are the two prisoners who tried to escape?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: If you stood any closer to them, your Iron Cross would get rusty.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, you fools. Here's my reward. Thirty days in the cooler. Take them away
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Thirty days is an cruel and human unjustified punishment, to be inflicted only by a sadist.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Flattery will gain you nothing, my dear, Colonel.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: One of the radio detector units has picked up a wireless sending coded messages.
General: It must be the underground.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That is exactly what I was going to say.
General: They must be sending out the location of our rocket launchers.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Exactly what I was going to say, sir.
General: Order your men to search the area. If they see anybody suspicious, shoot them.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That is exactly what I was going to say, General.
General: Klink, stop agreeing with me. You are undermining my confidence.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: By the way, did Schultz tell you a man came down to the office today?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes. Who was it?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Very suspicious character. He might very well be our man. Said he was from the Gestapo.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Why should that be suspicious?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Because he was a pleasant, likable guy.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You're right. There's no one in the Gestapo that fits THAT description.

General: But is Hogan ready to tell us about the Norden?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I have been working on him, Herr General. Even if I say so myself, when I turn on the charm, I can be irresistible.
General: I have never had any trouble resisting you.

Col. Klink: You're not exactly what I would call a perfect physical specimen.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Now you're on the right track.
Col. Klink: You have something much more important than physical perfection. You have a fighting spirit.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I'll get rid of it.
Col. Klink: In these times, my boy, a man in uniform has two choices. Either he fights, or he's called a coward.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I'd rather be a coward.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: I intend to nail the prosecutor's fat hide to the wall.
General: Fat? What makes you think he's fat?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, that's the way I picture him. What does he look like?
General: A lot like me.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, then he is fat. - - -Not that you're fat I mean, not nearly as fat as he is.
General: As who is?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The fat prosecutor, whoever that is.
General: That is me.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You are the prosecutor?
General: The fat prosecutor.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, oh, Herr General, you're much thinner than I thought you'd be.

Col. Klink: Hogan, that's the most terrible idea I ever heard in my life.
Col. Hogan: What?
Col. Klink: If I get into that car I could be mistaken for an escaping prisoner. Now the Gestapo has orders to shoot and kill. I would end up dead.
Col. Hogan: Now tell me the part that's terrible.

Col. Hogan: If you don't mind me saying so, I think you should get married right away. Like tomorrow.
Col. Klink: Hogan, I'm going to have you shot, and no court martial in the world would convict me.

Major: In our camps, we have one firm rule. No prisoner is allowed to carry a gun.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That is an excellent rule.
[Bonacelli points to Newkirk, who is leaning on Schultz's rifle]
Sgt. Schultz: Schultz!
Sgt. Schultz: Ja wohl, herr kommandant.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Are you crazy, allowing a prisoner to hold your gun?
Sgt. Schultz: There is no danger, herr kommandant. The gun is not loaded.
Major: That's our second rule. All guards must carry loaded guns.

General: We are here on a rather delicate matter - internal service politics.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You have certainly come to the right man for delicate matters.
General: Your career is a delicate matter.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [on holiday at the ski lodge] Well, I'm here to forget all about the war for awhile. I'm sick and tired of fighting and bloodshed. For the next two weeks it's death takes a holiday.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Incredible! I always come up with an idea, don't I?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sometimes your brilliance is dazzling.

Col. Klink: Where was I?
Sofia: My eyes.
Col. Klink: Oh yes, oh yes, They sparkle like 37-millimeter anti-aircraft shells bursting in the dark sky.

Cpl. Langenscheidt: The mess sergeant would like to know what you and your guest would like for dinner.
Major: [speaks Italian] Antipasto, minestrone, pasta al dente.
[Langenscheidt nods]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Langenscheidt! We will have potato soup, boiled potatoes, potato pancakes, sauerkraut, and sauerbraten.
Cpl. Langenscheidt: Ja, Herr Kommandant.
[he leaves]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [to Bonacelli] Bon appetit.
[Bonacelli looks nauseated]

Col. Klink: The Fuhrer is looking for the most incompetent Colonel in the German army, to make him his new chief of staff.
Col. Hogan: Marvelous! Congratulations!
Col. Klink: Hogan!

Major: [after examing Klink's records] Very neat. Very efficient.
Colonel: Now, Major, you have arrived here with a fully armed commando, you inspected the books, you asked questions. What is it you want?
Major: Herr Colonel, it's not a question of what I want, it's what I've got.
Colonel: What have you got?
Major: Call the senior prisoner officer in here; this concerns him as well.
Colonel: Call in Colonel Hogan.
Sgt. Schultz: Jawol, Herr Kommandant. Colonel Hogan, come in.
[opens the door and Hogan walks inside]
Colonel: Colonel Hogan, Major Strauss, Gestapo.
Hogan: Major.
Major: Colonel Hogan.
Colonel: Major Strauss has something to say that concerns all of us.
Hogan: Are you surrendering to me? Should've worn my dress blues.
Colonel: Insolence!
Major: I'm sure that we can change the Colonel's attitude.
Colonel: We?
Major: Yes. From today on, the Gestapo will take over Stalag 13. Prisoners, equipment, and bookkeeping. You and your Sergeant will stay on for a few weeks as advisors. And all Luftwaffe personnel will be transferred. Reassigned.
Sgt. Schultz: Reassigned? Where?
Hogan: Let me give you a hint. It's big, cold, east of here, and there are a lot of people named Ivan shooting at you all the time.
Colonel: Major Strauss, where are your orders, huh? And by whose authority?
Major: General Muller, Gestapo.
Colonel: We'll see about this.
[picks up the phone]
Colonel: Fraulein Hilda, get me General Burkhalter in Berlin, priority call.
[takes the phone away from his ear and turns back to Major Strauss]
Colonel: Besides being head of the Stalag Administration, he also happens to be a personal friend of mine.
Major: I'm impressed.
Colonel: [talks into the phone] Oh, General Burkhalter, Colonel Klink speaking. Hi Hitler. There's a Major Strauss here attempting to takeover Stalag 13. His men are in the compound, he's been going through our records, and Major Strauss... Yes, Gestapo.
[line clicks]
Colonel: Hello? Hello?
[hangs up the phone]
Colonel: How could a man talk to me for three minutes and say "wrong number"?
Hogan: There's nothing like a personal friend when you need one.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink, I am convinced they are still in this camp.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: And I believe they sneaked out somehow.
Sgt. Schultz: Herr Kommandant, I agree with the Major. I think they are still here.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I may have to come over to your side, Klink.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: I always could trust Schultz. He was too stupid to be dishonest.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: There is nothing more personal than being killed.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: I hope the colonel realizes that this prisoner has not been placed officially into my custody, so, uh, I can hardly be blamed for this unfortunate incident which, eh-heh, fortunately I am not to be blamed for.

General: [still looking for soldiers to fight the S.S] Vhat about arming the prisoners, Klink?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, heh-heh, sir, they have no more fighting spirit. I have cowed them.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yes, yes, he's cowed us.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: And we have no more guns.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: They can perhaps have mine?

Captain: [entering Klink's office] Colonel Klink. Heil Hitler.
Col. Klink: Heil Hitler. Uh, please, Captain. Sit down, sit down.
[closes the door to his office]
Col. Klink: Uh, what can I do for you?
Captain: I have been assigned to Gestapo headquarters in Dusseldorf, but I'm living in Hammelberg at the moment. Hauserhof Hotel, room 209.
Col. Klink: Very interesting. But is it important?
Captain: Very.
Newkirk: [listening in from the coffee pot] What's this Captain's game?
LeBeau: Keep quiet, and maybe we'll find out.
Col. Klink: Of course I remember the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer. Could any loyal German ever forget it?
Captain: I don't think you will. The conspirators are still being rounded up. A very important man was recently arrested. I searched his house.
[takes out a picture from his coat pocket]
Captain: Found this picture and the negatives.
Col. Klink: Mm-hmm.
[looks at the picture and sees himself next to the conspirator]
Col. Klink: No, it's not possible!
Col. Hogan: Klink sounds like he swallowed his monocle.
Kinchloe: Must be some picture.
LeBeau: Klink and a woman, maybe?
Col. Hogan: Impossible. Klink's in love with Klink. Wouldn't let anyone come between himself.
Col. Klink: General Mulendorf.
Captain: That's his arm around your shoulders.
Col. Klink: Yes. We were friends.
Captain: Close friends.
[voice turns stern]
Captain: And very possibly associated in the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer.
Col. Klink: [drops the picture] I knew the man. We went to school together for ten years; saw each other every day. But what's that?
Captain: You were also best man at his wedding.
Col. Klink: Oh, well... I had nothing else to do that afternoon.
Captain: Colonel, I have a problem. If turn this picture into Gestapo headquarters, an innocent man may be executed.
Col. Klink: Innocent?
Captain: You.
Col. Klink: Me? I'm not innocent. I mean, I am innocent. What have I done?
Captain: If I destroy the negative, or... give it to you, I won't exactly be doing my duty, will I?
Col. Klink: No. You do have a problem.
Col. Hogan: Klink's beautiful, isn't he?
Kinchloe: Little Alice in Krautland.
Newkirk: How stupid man one man be?
Col. Hogan: Keep listening. He'll tell you.
Col. Klink: And you expect me to pay your hotel bill?
Captain: In addition to say, a thousand marks right now. While I consider the problem.
Col. Klink: Couldn't you consider the problem a little less expensively?
Captain: The life an innocent kommandant is at stake.
Col. Klink: Oh. I'll get the money out of the safe.

General: I should end the mystery, Colonel Hogan. You see, I am the reason you are now here, a prisoner of war.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, thanks.
General: Ah-ha, it's nothing. No, when the, uh, the bombing raids of the squadron you commanded shtarted to become, uh, slightly annoying to the Third Reich, I was assigned to study your tactics, Colonel, to get inside your head, so I learned everything about you - everything! - and zhen I begin to, uh, to probe, to, uh, search for a weakness.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Loud ties.
General: No. No, your tactical planning, Colonel. Brilliant, yes, but at times over-elaborate; zo, I was able to predict precisely the plan of your last bombing raid on Hamberg, in... in which you were shot down, and I, ha, I was shot up, to general. A little joke, Klink.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ha-ha-ha.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, as long as it wasn't a total loss.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, you are a coward!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Who is arguing.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Kommandant, you have had stage experience, haven't you?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Of course, of course.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What was your last part?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Peter Pan.

General: Klink! You will put all your guards under my command! We will buy time with lives.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uh, General von Kattenhorn, I rather thought that I - heh-heh - I could be most useful in this little argument as a... a neutral?
General: Forget it.

Carter: More champagne, Colonel?
Col. Hogan: No thanks. I'm driving.
Col. Klink: Hmm?
Col. Hogan: The escape car.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, do I look all right?
Col. Hogan: Perfect. Any man in this camp would be proud to call you "Daddy."

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Guess who?
Lily: Count Dracula?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Colonel Kink.
Lily: Well, I was close.

General: The late general and I were classmates.
Col. Klink: What did he die of, sir?
Hugo: A sudden transfer to the Russian front.
General: There's a lot of that going around now.

Major: What can I possibly learn from him? I already know how to wear a monacle.
Col. Klink: Perhaps you could use it to look for your missing prisoners.

[Hochstetter wakes Klink up in the middle of the night]
Colonel: Heil Hitler!
Schultz: No, no, it is Major Hochstetter.
Colonel: Heil Hochstetter!

Hogan: [about famous artists] It wasn't until after they were *dead* that they were famous.
Colonel: But that would mean I would have to be dead first!
Hogan: *Uh-Huh!*

[Hogan pretends to have passed out from drinking]
Colonel: [to Burkhalter] ... Disgraceful. Can't hold their liquor. Can't finish wars they start.

General: Thank you, Kommandant. Thank you for making me come all the way from Berlin for a dinner of stale sauerbraten.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: As you can see, Herr General, we have the same shortages here as all the officers lucky enough to be at the front.
General: Another such dinner, Klink, and I see what I can do to make YOU so lucky.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Hochstetter is placing TNT in Klink's cells/cooler] But you're using the cooler to store it.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You have no prisoners in there. You run such a perfect camp, Klink, you have no need for a cooler.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You cannot use it, and that's final.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You have one simple alternative, Commandant. You can transfer to a frontline combat unit.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: My cooler is your cooler.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Sir, it may cost a lot more, but may I remind you, I have never had an escape in Stalag 13.
General: Perhaps you should. It might be cheaper.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: What brings you to Stalag 13?
Gen. der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Captain Ritter has been ordered to acquaint himself with Luftwaffe prisoner-of-war facilities.
Capt. Ritter: The general was kind enough to let me tag along on the inspection tour.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I'm at your disposal, Captain. I will give you any information that I have.
Capt. Ritter: Danke, Herr Colonel.
Gen. der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: You may learn a few things anyway.

Col. Klink: The party's over, Hogan.
Sgt. Schultz: I was just getting warmed up.
Col. Klink: I will transfer you to a place where you can cool down. Out!

General: I see no reason why Colonel Hogan shouldn't watch a demonstration of German efficiency.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: But, But this is classified, General.
General: He isn't going anywhere with the information, is he?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Of course not! No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.
General: So you have told me... and told me... and told me!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [after catching Schultz accepting items from the prisoners] Cigarettes? Sardines? Chocolate bars? You live better than Goering and you're twice as big!

Colonel: [about how he got Hogan out of the cooler] Believe me, for the first time I had to use all my intelligence and craftiness.
Hogan: Yeah, well, I got out anyway.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: If you will excuse me, I would like to go to Hammelburg.
General: Of course. I know you have some shopping to do.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I have to buy a bathing suit.
General: A bathing suit? For Stalingrad?

General: There are worse things than being married to the sister of General Burkhalter.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [after Burkhalter leaves] Name one.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, you should have been there. I danced every dance with her, while Major Hochstetter was sitting there with sauerbraten on his face.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, you could have asked Lily to dance with him at least once.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, you don't understand. The man can't dance.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're kidding.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Confidentially, I've never seen a Gestapo man that could. Oh, they're great goose-steppers, but nothing on the dance floor.

General: The Gestapo never makes a mistake. They pride themselves on being right every time.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: And half the time they are.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, what is it you want?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Whatever you're drinking.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan!

General: Uh, Klink, you HAVE, uh, planned a big celebration for tonight, haven't you?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: D'uh, celebration, yeah, uh, uh, uh... a celebre... a-a-a celebration?
General: For such an important birthday?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: A, b-birthday. Oh! Ah-ha-ha. Yes, of course! We've been preparing for months, Herr General. Uh... the Führer's birthday?
General: No, Klink. Colonel Hogan's
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [rather surprised] It IS my birthday.
General: [smiling] Yeah.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Burkhalter enters Klink's office] What a pleasure to see you, sir.
General: Klink, how is it that you get so much more pleasure out of seeing me than I do out of seeing you?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, this is so degrading. Having to relay orders of a man like that. Honestly, I could cry.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I wouldn't do that, sir. What good is a rusty monocle?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [after General Burkhalter slammed an object against his desk that woke him up] Oh! General Burkhalter! What a pleasure! I was so deep in thought, I didn't realize...
General: Klink, this is Colonel Sitzer.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: It's a pleasure. And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? Not that there needs be any reason.
Colonel: I am with the Ministry Propaganda.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, that's a wonderful branch of the service. Oh, what a charm you people are. I've always said, "You people are doing more to end this war than anyone else."
Colonel: Colonel Klink, we have been looking at your records very carefully.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I can explain that. That's not my fault. Although technically, I was in charge of all the money at the Officers' Club, Lieutenant Kleinmisner also had a key, and he...
General: Klink! Colonel Sitzer is talking about your perfect record in the camp.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: He is?
General: Yes. What are you talking about?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Was I talking about something? I don't remember what it was.
Colonel: We believe what you have done deserves public recognition.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I was only doing my duty. Naturally, I'm flattered. And I hope that others will be inspired by my example.
General: We are not doing it for you, Klink. It is for the propaganda value.
Colonel: You'll be presented with an award on the National Radio Hookup.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: An award? For me? Let me say, sir, I accept it with the deepest of humility.
Colonel: We want you to keep it a secret until the presentation. That way we will get the full impact on public opinion.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, you have nothing to worry about, sir. My lips are sealed. I won't say a word. A secret is sacred to me. Wild horses and torture could not drag one syllable out of me. If there's one thing I'm not, it's a talker...
General: I must admit, if there is anything more outstanding than your humility, it's your golden silence.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thank you, General Burkhalter.
Colonel: I think we better be getting back to town.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, I'll have the car brought around right away. Oh, uh, sir, I was wondering if you...
Colonel: You will receive the reward in about a week. In the meantime, remember, it's a secret.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You can depend on me. Absolute silence.
General: The car, Klink.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The car, sir. Yes, the car.
[leaves the office]
Colonel: Are you sure no prisoner has ever escaped from him?
General: Don't look at me. I don't understand it either.

Maj. Hochstetter: This was found less than a hundred yards from the Dorfmann bridge. Do you know what this is, Colonel?
Col. Klink: Mm-hmm, it's a button.
Maj. Hochstetter: I know it's a button! What does it say on the button?
Col. Klink: "Us".
Maj. Hochstetter: Not "Us", U.S.
Col. Klink: Ohhhh.

Col. Klink: General Burkhalter just left here.
Col. Hogan: Oh, the Russian front?
Col. Klink: Worse, much worse. He wants me to marry his niece.
Col. Hogan: That's bad?
Col. Klink: Did you hear what I said? Burkhalter's niece!
Col. Hogan: Did you ever stop to think she might be a beauty?
Col. Klink: Ha, more likely she looks like Burkhalter.

Col. Klink: You have made a fool of me in front of my own command. Are you satisfied.
Col. Hogan: Yes, I'm satisfied. Carter, are you satisfied?
Carter: Yes, I'm satisfied. Schultz, are you satisfied?
Sgt. Schultz: Yes, I'm satisfied.
[Looking towards Klink]
Sgt. Schultz: Are you satisfied?
Col. Klink: Yes, I'm... .
[lets out a frustrated grunt]

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Call me as a witness.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Why? You don't know anything about this.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's right, but my mind won't be cluttered with a lot of facts.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Tell me, what is it you would like most in this world?
Col. Hogan: Hmm... let me think.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You can't make up your mind?
Col. Hogan: I know what I want. It's a question of blonde or brunette.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Are you aware that, last Monday night, an American plane dropped a bomb on Gestapo headquarters? Demolished the building, wiped out the garrison, killed Kommandant Hedrick, knocked the Fuhrer's picture off the wall and everything.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: No, sir. I was playing pinochle with Captain Broomschmeel.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: It was a great personal loss to me.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: It was a great personal loss to me. He took me for 50 marks.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: General Burkhalter, that is very flattering, but honestly, I don't think I deserve all of this high praise.
General: I don't think so either.

Col. Hogan: You need the P-51 - now?
General: I want you to go to England, steal one of the planes and fly it back to us.
Col. Hogan: Is THAT all you want? You didn't have to give me a good meal just for that.
Col. Klink: Excellent, Hogan! Excellant!
Col. Hogan: I would have said "drop dead" on an EMPTY stomach.

Col. Klink: I wonder what was on that train that was so important.
[Explosion. Large object flies through window]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Picks up large object that flew through window, holds it up so Klink can see it] I think it was airplane parts.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: When was the last time you were in combat, sir?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Not recently.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What do you mean, recently?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Not since the war.

[last lines]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Berlin is calling every minute. "What happened to the Duke of York?" NOTHING IS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DUKE OF YORK!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Bad scene, Major.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Hogan, I will not go down alone. If my head is to roll, all heads will roll.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Except, Major, I quite clearly had no part in this whole affair. Therefore...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: All heads will roll!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: All heads will roll, that's quite democratic.
Marya: Poor Putzie. So handsome and so unlucky.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Traitors, all of you. I fully intend... Hogan, why are you so composed?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it's obvious, Major. You've already figured how to turn this to your advantage.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I have?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: He has?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Of course. The ultimate weapon didn't quite work out. But the Major has a plan to cripple the entire Russian rocket program.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: He has?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Go on, Hogan.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're pulling my leg. You're not arranging right now for Zagoskin to escape to Russia? Of course you are. He'll do for them what he's done for you. That's worthy of Himmler himself, Major.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Hogan, I...
Marya: Major Hochstetter is a genius, Putzie. He has saved us all.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, I believe I have.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're still going to send me home, aren't you?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Of course not. Take him away, Klink. Back to Stalag 13.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, take him away.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Cruel, sir, cruel.
Marya: Sensational.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Adequate.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: You see? When one knows how, there's always a way to solve these little problems.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Please, Schultz, don't try to be a little Gretchen Sunshine today.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: I'm here to make a complaint on behalf of my men.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, a complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: ...I'm really not in need of another officer.
General: Klink, this transfer is an order from the highest authority in the Third Reich.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The highest? The Fuhrer?
General: Higher than that. My wife.

Sgt. Schultz: Everything is in order, Herr Kommandant!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: As it should be.

Colonel: [trying to demoralize Hogan after air-raid] ... No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe.
Schultz: [walking in to the office introducing a Captain] Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Müller. He barely escaped the terrible raid!
Colonel: That raid was a complete failure!
Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!
Hogan: Illustrious Luftwaffe.
Schultz: Illustrious Luft...
Colonel: Shultz!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Like all of us, the general has his good points as well as his faults.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Yes.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What do you think my faults are?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [after failure to keep a straight face] I wasn't talking about you, Herr Commandant.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You know, Schultz, the trouble is you're afraid to say anything you think. Filled with fear, frightened to express any kind of opinion.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, no, Herr Commandant. I talk about you all the time, when you are not around.

Major: General! This man is describing a vacuum cleaner, not a bomb sight!
General: What?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: A vacuum cleaner?
Col. Hogan: Norden makes one of the greatest vacuum cleaners in the world.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Col. Hogan, is it true the big shot is going to be a private?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, just for a few hours, Schultz. It's an intelligence matter.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Under my command?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Right, right.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, it's a trick just to get me into trouble.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, no, Schultz. It's on the level. Here comes Pvt. Klink now.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [to Hogan] Did you explain it to him?
[Hogan nods]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, Schultz, I want you to treat me as you would any private under your command. Understood?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Understood.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I don't want any special favors, any special treatment...
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You, you, you... you are a private?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, I am.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Then SHUT UP!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: How dare you tell me...
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung! Eyes front! Put the helmet straight! Chest out, stomach in! Answer only when you are spoken to.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Jawohl!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl what?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Jawohl, Herr Feldwebel!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: THAT'S better. About face! Fall in with the rest of them, you dummkopf! Eyes straight.
[Klink scurries off]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [to Hogan] Oh, it feels so good.

[last lines]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Colonel Hogan, just tell me this. Was it really Colonel Crittenden who was responsible for yesterday?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, let's put it this way. We had to lose him - he was bad luck.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, the Baron was clever all right but not quite clever enough. Now, heh-heh, I don't want to sound like I'm blowing my own horn but...
General: You sound like a whole brass band.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well I just wanted you to hear that I... I... I...
General: A shut mouth, Klink, that's what I would like to hear.

General: [addressing the flyers] At ease, gentlemen. This is Colonel Leman, who will be in command for the phase of your training.
Colonel: Gentlemen, up until now, you have been learning how to fly RAF planes. The type used by the British Fighter Command. And now I will explain your mission. All of you have been chosen for 'Operation Albatross'.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Operation Albatross? Ooh, I like that name.
General: I'm glad. there was no time to consult you in advance.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, that's quite all right, Herr General.
General: Thank you. And shut up!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Shut up. Yes, sir.
Colonel: Beginning tomorrow, you will learn RAF recognition codes and flight plans. After that, you and your planes will be transported to our airfields on the coast of France. At that time, you will fly up, infiltrate the enemy squadron, shoot them down and destroy them. You will be the foxes among the sheep.
General: And your first strike against the enemy will be on the 12th. A birthday present for our beloved Vice Marshall Goering. Any questions? Any comments?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [clears his throat] Gentlemen, I just want to tell you how proud I am to be the kommandant of your base.
General: [interrupting Klink] Excellent. The moment we named it 'Operation Albatross', we thought of you.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thank you, Herr General.
Colonel: That's all, gentlemen.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, General, Colonel, there is just little problem.
General: What have you done now?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I distinctly saw Colonel Hogan watching the planes when they flew over the camp.
General: Klink, do not try to explain this incident to him. If he asks questions, you will not act as if you knew anything. You know nothing! You are ignorant!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, sir, I'm ignorant.
General: I have every confidence in your ability along those lines.

Col. Klink: Hogan, what am I going to do?
Col. Hogan: How are you at saber fighting?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: So you are all under arrest.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You're a little late, my friend.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Major, this happens to be Tuesday.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [sarcastically] Oh, thank you very much.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I distinctly told you Wednesday, not Tuesday.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You think I listen to what you say? You might as well have said Friday, for all I care.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I never said anything about Friday.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [annoyed] I didn't say you said anything about Friday.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Now tell me: was it Tuesday or was it Wednesday? Be honest!
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Honest with you? You don't even know how to spell the word.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ha. Coming from the Gestapo, that sounds very funny. Now you may leave anytime, and take your spy, Private Berger, with you!
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What spy?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [shouting] And more, I wanna tell you...
[Klink and Hochstetter shout into each other, so you can barely understand what they're shouting]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Interrupting] Hold it!
[Normal tone of voice]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You make me feel terrible.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it's true, we dug the tunnel and tried to escape. But, that's not the worst thing we did.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan. What else did you do?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I broke up a beautiful friendship.

Col. Hogan: Nobody tells me anything around here.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That's the way it should be.
Col. Hogan: That makes me feel unloved.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Burkhalter arrives by car] Ah, General Burkhalter, it's been such a long time.
General: Not long enough, Klink.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You will all stay away from that rocket. Did you hear me? What is going on there? Back, back, all of you. Back!
General: Who are you?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Major Hochstetter, Herr General, in charge of security here, and you're all much too close to this rocket.
General: My dear Major, there is no danger of it firing...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Firing? Who's worried about firing? I'm worried about spying.
General: Are you aware that I am in charge of this project, and that this is the inventor?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [Zagoskin hands him his notebook] Until I clear you, you will please stop inventing.
[points at Marya]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Who is that woman?
General: She is my interpreter, Hochstetter.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, Major Hochstetter. And I believe a full corporal.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What is this bungler doing here?
General: Responsible for the security of our witness.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: *I am responsible for security here!* What witness?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hi there.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What is this man doing here?
General: Hochstetter, I am in charge of this project. And I am operating *under direct authority of the German General Staff*.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Traitors, all of them. What is this man doing here?
General: I *am in charge of security*...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: *What is this man doing here?*
General: He is our witness.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Witness? You have chosen the most dangerous man in all of Germany as a witness. The Gestapo is taking over. I will surround this camp with a ring of steel. Anyone within a hundred yards of this rocket will be shot and reshot.

[in an argument with a captain about safehousing a truck and cargo]
Colonel: I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain. Please take your truck and its cargo some other place.
Captain: I have orders.
[Hands over papers with orders to Klink]
Colonel: The only orders that I am interested in are my own orders.
[Klink in a casual tone starts reading to himself the captain's orders paper]
Colonel: "All ranks are ordered to extend complete cooperation, assist without question. Ahmmm. Failure... punishment execution by firing squad. Signed General Jodl for the Führer."
[energetically and enthusiastically gets up off his chair and shakes the captain's hand]
Colonel: Glad to have you with us, Captain.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: I am a prisoner of love.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: How long are you in for?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [trying to persuade Col. Klink to call General Burkhalter] Why don't you give him a call, sir it means so much to him.
Colonel: I will thank him the next time I see him, huh? How about "Lili Marlene"!
[everyone except Hogan continues to shout and sing]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Call the general... Call the general, sir. Nothing says you like your voice. Please!
Colonel: Why do you keep looking at the time, Hogan?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: The call sir, it's after 7:00 you get the night rate. Please.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: I don't know, but somewhere in this prisoner of war camp I may have enemies.

General: And if anything happens to this masterpiece, Klink, I will have the pleasure of shooting you personally.
Col. Klink: Oh please, Herr General, I, I, I, I...
General: It almost would be worth losing the picture.

Capt. Roberts: I went on a recon mission along the French Coast. Got a look at their fortifications.
Col. Hogan: That's when they got you.
Capt. Roberts: Right. Two Messerschmitts came up and had a proper go at us and blasted our port engine. I had to bail out. I hadn't a prayer on the ground. They nabbed me straight away.
Col. Hogan: How long were you in Stalag 9?
Capt. Roberts: Oh, roughly two months I'd say. They behaved decently enough. Jolly strenuous.
Col. Hogan: Interrogation?
Capt. Roberts: Days of it. Weeks, in fact. They never gave me a moment of privacy. They took pictures of me... recorded my voice while they questioned me.
Col. Hogan: Recorded your voice, why?
Capt. Roberts: Haven't the foggiest, old boy. You know the way the kraut's are- sticklers for details, never miss a trick.
Col. Hogan: Yeah, I know.
[gets up from his chair and searches for a hidden microphone]
Capt. Roberts: What are you doing?
Col. Hogan: Oh, nothing. Just stretching.
[motions for Roberts to keep talking]
Capt. Roberts: Well, um, how are you getting on here at Stalag 13?
Col. Hogan: [sarcastically] Oh, deliriously happy.
Capt. Roberts: I must say, it's rather a grubby looking place.
Col. Hogan: I did ask for a POW camp on the French Riviera, but they couldn't get me a reservation. Seems they, uh, they were all full up for the season.
Capt. Roberts: All full up for the season? Hmm. That's jolly good.
[Col. Hogan finds a microphone hidden in the curtain puller]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [eavesdropping on the conversation in his office] Our little plan seems to be going very well.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Our little plan?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah, the Gestapo is most efficient, I always say.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Thank you, Klink. Now be quiet.
Col. Hogan: Well, Robbie, I guess I'll be going along.
Capt. Roberts: Well, awfully decent of you to stop by.
Col. Hogan: I'll try to stop by again tomorrow if the krauts let me.
Capt. Roberts: Jolly good.
Col. Hogan: So long.
[closes the door to make it seem like he's leaving. They quietly walk over to the microphone hidden in the curtain, and Col. Hogan covers it with his hand and shoulder]
Col. Hogan: Krauts are up to something big, and I think it may involve you. What'd they question you about at Stalag 9?
Capt. Roberts: Everything. They know I'm Air Mashall staff, and that I attend briefings they give about Winston.
Col. Hogan: Very convenient. They fell all over themselves, giving me permission to see you. And alone. Again, why?
Capt. Roberts: That's anybody's guess.
Col. Hogan: Time to stop guessing and find out.
[carefully slides the microphone back in place]

Colonel: In case I'm, uh, recommended for promotion - not that I'm asking you, sir - I'm sure that the board will take my extremely marvelous physical fitness into consideration.
General: Physical fitness is one thing. Mental fitness - that's another.

Colonel: Without requisitions there would be no war.

Col. Klink: Now if I'm ordered to the Russian front to be shot out of the wild blue yonder and die in the snow, it's what I must do.
Col. Hogan: Spoken like a true German patriot.
Col. Klink: Thank you.
Col. Hogan: Good luck. Don't forget to write.
[Hogan leaves]
Col. Klink: Hogan, wait!

Col. Hogan: Do you know what that sound is? That's a Bronx cheer.
Col. Klink: It is?
Col. Hogan: It's a sign of respect and admiration. You should be very proud.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [about his men] Eh, they keep saying there's a lot of human being left in Colonel Klink.
Colonel: Hm! Those fools.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I told 'em they were wrong.

Sgt. Schultz: Herr Kommandant!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, what did I tell you this morning about having any interruptions today?
Sgt. Schultz: You told me, Herr Kommandant, that you have lots of work to do and you do not want any interruptions and no one is to bother you.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: SCHULTZ!
Sgt. Schultz: No one is going to disturb you today!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [trembling with anger] Someone is already disturbing me.
Sgt. Schultz: Who? No one is here but the two of us.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I know, Schultz, but one of us should be out there where he was told to be.
Sgt. Schultz: Oh, you mean I am the disturbance? Oh, excuse me.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [resigned] Schultz. What is it? What's so important?
Sgt. Schultz: There's someone to see you outside.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [breaking into a fresh rage] I told you I don't want to see anybody today! And when I say "anybody," that includes everybody! Nobody sees me! Nobody calls me! Nobody talks to me! Nobody! I don't care who it is!
Sgt. Schultz: It's General Burkhalter.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [terrified] Have him come right in, Schultz.

Col. Klink: When I want a long-winded speech, I'll listen to the Fuhrer.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: If I don't watch them, these guards will steal everything.
[guard turns his machine gun toward Klink]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Not you, Hans.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: I don't expect to get him off. He's a traitor.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Well if you feel like that, why did you volunteer to take the case?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I volunteered to take it because General Burkhalter said I did.

Sgt. Schultz: [entering Klink's office] Herr, Kommandant. Major Pruhst here to see you.
Col. Klink: Major Pruhst? I've never heard of him.

[repeated line]
Colonel: Dis-missed!

General: Have all security precautions been strictly observed?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, Herr General, don't I always do a good job for you?
General: If you did, I wouldn't be asking.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [after being told he does not have to transfer] You mean I do not have to go?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You heard the commandant, now back to your post.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, so you made a few stupid mistakes. You're lazy, you're fat, you sleep on duty. Still, you're a likable clod.

General: Klink! I'm warning you. Keep your costs down, put your house in order, or the next time you want caviar, you won't have to import it - you can catch your own on the Volga.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: But you'll have to eat it there. You can't take it home, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: General, I promise you, I will bring all my skill and my intelligence to bear on this problem.
General: Who knows? You may be able to solve it anyway.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: But why should that responsibility fall upon me?
General: What would you rather have fall upon you, responsibility, or snowflakes?

Colonel: You seem to have a very efficient operation here, Klink.
Col. Klink: Danke dir, Colonel. I have worked very hard to make Stalag 13 the toughest POW camp in all of Germany. And believe me, it's not easy. My burdens have been heavy. Problems, sleepless nights...
Kinchloe: [listening in on the conversation in the barracks, sarcastically] Nice snow job.
Col. Hogan: Snow job? It's a blizzard.
Col. Klink: When I was transferred here, I was with the 410th Bomber Group.
Colonel: Yes, I know.
Col. Klink: Ah, here, let me show you a picture of my old outfit.
[takes a picture down from his wall and shows it to Colonel Bessler]
Col. Klink: And there we are. That's me in the middle.
Colonel: Oh, real comrades, all of you. I can see that.
Col. Klink: Yeah, yeah. Ah, I was sad at the thought of being grounded, but, uh, as I said, "Beauty to the hottest. The Fuhrer commands. I serve."
Colonel: You prefer combat assignment, then?
Col. Klink: [clears his throat] My dear Colonel, when I was with the 410th, they called me "The Iron Eagle".
Colonel: Oh.
Col. Klink: Ah, yes. The Iron Eagle. Up there in the wild blue yonder. At the control of my plane, zooming through the enemy. Of course, uh, now the Iron Eagle flies at somewhat lower altitudes.
Colonel: I'm very glad you feel the way you do. Actually, I'm here on what you might call a recruiting mission for the Russian Front. We need manpower.
Col. Hogan: Watch out, Klink. He's setting you up.
Col. Klink: Colonel Bessler, I should be very happy to transfer any of my men that you may need, but, uh, I'm afraid they're not all front-line quality like myself.
Col. Hogan: It's not them he wants, dummy, it's you!
Kinchloe: Lay him up, will you?
Colonel: Colonel, the Russian Front needs officers. Experienced leaders.
Col. Klink: I understand, sir. How I wish I could go. I'd show those Russkis a thing or two.
Colonel: You can go, Colonel.
Col. Klink: I've got a few tricks up my sleeve. I... I can go?
Col. Hogan: Tell me when it's over.
Colonel: We need you.
Col. Klink: Well, uh, frankly, my flying tricks are a little out of date.
Colonel: They'll soon brief you in the newer techniques. Now, a flight surgeon will be sent here next week to give you your physical examination.
Col. Klink: I haven't been too well lately.
Colonel: If you pass, and you're fit, off you go!
Col. Klink: But what about my work here at Stalag 13?
Colonel: No problem. They'll assign another officer. Congratulations, Colonel. Your request for combat duty is very commendable.
Col. Klink: My request?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Carry on, but quietly, I have lots of work to do.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [mockingly] Lot of work to do.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: The new girlie magazines must be in from Paris.

General: Klink, what am I going to do with you?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: General, I have a suggestion.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Next time you guys start a war, make him stay out of it.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Inspector General of the armies of the Third Reich. Now, he's due to arrive here any moment.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Here? Why wasn't I notified?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Why should you be?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why shouldn't I be?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [there's a knock at his office door] Come in.
[Colonel Hogan enters]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah, Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hogan, this is Major Kuehn. He is temporarily second... He's second in command.
Major: I am the new executive officer. And you are the famous Colonel Hogan, whose men have unable to escape in 293 attempts.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: 291. Don't give me credit for the two guards.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: We cover that.
Major: Colonel Hogan, I want to warn you. If anything should happen to Colonel Klink...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Happen?
Major: An accident. Or a replacement in the noble course of military routine. At any rate, Colonel Hogan, if anything should happen to Colonel Klink, you will find yourself against an even more iron-willed adversary.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Impossible!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Uh, who might that be?
Major: Myself, Colonel. I will show you the kind of men you will be dealing with. Beginning tonight, I took the liberty of doubling the guards outside the perimeter.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, just a minute!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: If there haven't been any escapes, why double the guards?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, why?
Major: To put an end to those attempts.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, see here, Major. May I remind you that *I* am the kommandant here, and as such, *I* make the decisions?
Major: Very interesting. I must remember to mention it to my dear Uncle Karl when I write him.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uncle Karl?
Major: Yes, uh, Field Marshal Karl Von Streicher of the General Staff. His specialty is military protocol. Have you read his book on the chain of command?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: No.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I have. Not a laugh in the book. Well, look, I've gotta be moving along. You probably want to get started on a letter to your dear Uncle Karl.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Just a minute! As I said, I make the decisions here, and I have decided to tighten security by doubling the guard around the perimeter.
Major: Very wise, Colonel. Perhaps the letter to my uncle can wait. Good day, Colonel Hogan.

Col. Klink: Major Kiegel, I don't understand. What has the Gestapo got to do with Luftwaffe personnel?
Major: Colonel... Berlin has issued a new directive. Our orders are to find men of the home front and see that they are transferred to active duty in combat unit.
Col. Klink: Transferred to combat units? That's another way of saying "Eastern Front."
Major: So it is.
Col. Klink: But why the Gestapo? That's outrageous!
Major: You think so, do you?
Col. Klink: I intend to appeal this to the high command. Even to the Fuhrer if necessary!
Major: Colonel! The Fuhrer does not even know you are alive! You may... not be...
Col. Klink: I'm beginning to see what you're driving at.
Major: That is better.
Col. Klink: But, uh, you're wasting you're time, sir. My men are not exactly what you would call front-line fighting caliber.
Major: How do you classify them?
Col. Klink: Well, uh... they're the dregs.
Major: Really?
Col. Klink: But the finest dregs in all of Germany!
Major: You seem to manage.
Col. Klink: [slams his hand against the desk] I can assure you, Major Kiegel, that it is my spirit, my iron will that has made this the most secure camp in all of Germany! I could run this place single-handed if I wanted to, and I...
[Kiegel looks at Klink]
Col. Klink: You want to see a roster of the men?
Major: I already have it.
Col. Klink: Oh, I always said you are a marvelously efficient officer.
Major: Thank you. Now, there is a great shortage of non-commissioned officers on our fighting front. What about this Sergeant Schultz? Has he started?
Col. Klink: Him? In a combat unit?
[laughs]
Col. Klink: He couldn't fight his way out of Kindergarten.
Major: He IS a Sergeant?
Col. Klink: Yes. He's also a big, fat tub of jelly! Impossible!
Major: The Russian Front is not a beauty contest!
Col. Klink: Yes, but Sergeant Schultz...
Major: Even Colonels who wear monocles are needed!
Col. Klink: But that's another matter. I... What would they be doing there?
[Major Kiegel glares at Klink]
Col. Klink: I think Sergeant Schultz is a marvelous choice.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [watching the women eat at the tea party] Guests are certainly enjoying themselves, sir. That's the third tray of hors d'oeuvres LeBeau has sent in.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uh, the fat little lady in the red dress has been eating steadily over an hour and a half.
General: That's my wife.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Did I say red dress? I meant green dress, of course. I'm color-blind, you know.
General: Klink, you meant the lady in the red dress, and she has been eating steadily for an hour and a half.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I'm sure Mrs. Burkhalter was famished when she arrived. It's a long trip to this camp, you know.
General: Exactly two miles... And she ate a sandwich in the car.

Col. Klink: I can't let LeBeau go into Hammelburg.
Col. Hogan: Put him under heavy guard. Send Schultz with him. You haven't got any heavier guard than that.

Col. Klink: Well, Colonel Hogan, we are off to a glorious adventure.
Col. Hogan: Don't you stand at attention when you address a superior officer?

General: I'm going to personally fire this rocket at England.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: General Burkhalter, may I have the honor please, sir?
General: Of course, Klink.
[Klink fires the rocket which goes immediately off course]
General: Klink! England is that way!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I can't understand what went wrong General Burkhalter.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What's over that way?
General: My house, for one thing.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [the rocket crashes in the distance and explodes] Well, General, I've always thought it was a lousy neighborhood anyway.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, I know, YOU ask the questions.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, I'll ask the questions. Right, Cononel?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Of course. Now, what was the question?

Col. Klink: Dr. Vanetti, why did you ask the driver to pull over?
Colonel: The game won't work, old boy. I'm not Vanetti, you are!
Col. Klink: You're not?
[Crittendon aims a gun at Klink]
Col. Klink: [gasps] Gestapo! Oh, I assure you, I'm completely loyal. This disguise, it's just a lark. Actually, I was on my way to Berlin to join a party.
Colonel: I say, you're not Vanetti, you're Klink!
Col. Klink: Of course I am. Heart and soul with our glorious leader, dating back to the year when... Haven't we meet before?
Colonel: Uh, it must have been two other chaps. I just remembered an appointment.
[exits the car and flees]
Col. Klink: Guard! Driver! He's an escapee from Stalag 16! Capture him! I've been tricked! Somehow!

Col. Klink: [Gets sprayed in the face by a broken sink]
Col. Klink: What do I do now?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: If I were you, In wouldn't pay his bill.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [sarcastically] Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.

[a milestone quotation for the series - Klink admits to Schultz and Hogan]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: For the first time since I've been in command here... I want to know nothing. Nothing!

Col. Hogan: [about the blackmailer] Have her arrested, she sends the pictures to your wife, your wife has YOU arrested.
General: My wife?
Col. Hogan: Yeah, you remember her, the little woman with the big temper.
General: This was an innocent party!
Col. Klink: It was an innocent party!
General: Keep out of this.
Col. Klink: Yes, sir. It wasn't innocent at all.
General: SHUT UP!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [after Newkirk and Carter have been caught escaping] They weren't really trying to escape.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yeah, yeah.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They were going into town for a very good reason.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: To buy something. They would have come right back.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: A birthday gift for you.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: For me?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I don't believe it.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't let the war make you cynical, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I was not aware that it's my birthday.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Isn't it about time you found out?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I wouldn't believe one word you said, Hogan.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Not even if I said you were the greatest military mind in the Third Reich?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That I'd have to think over.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: A sturdy oak like me should unbend once in a while.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You owe it to the war effort, sir.

Major: [talking into a phone in Col. Klink's office] I suggest you call your top Intelligence people immediately to get my report.
Col. Klink: So you are really German? You know, the moment you came in, I said to myself, "That American officer's a German agent." I could sense it.
Major: One hour? Good. Yes, the Tempelhof Hotel tonight at 9:00. I'll arrange transportation from here from Colonel Klinkel.
Col. Klink: Klink! K-L-I...
Major: Oh, it was really quite simple. I cut a few lines, the plane lost power, and then I directed them to a field that I previously selected. The fools even considered me a hero.
Lieutenant J.B. Miller: [listening in with Col. Hogan and his crew, enraged] Major Martin, a German spy. Boy, that...
[attempts to leave, but Col. Hogan holds him back]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hold it. Hold it. That's not gonna do any good.
LeBeau: There's nothing we can do.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [sighs] Maybe there is.
Major: Hi Hitler.
Col. Klink: Fascinating. You know, I should be an espionage worker. I have a great talent for it. Even as a boy, I used to write messages in invisible ink.
[pause]
Col. Klink: Lemon juice.
Major: Colonel, you never asked for my credentials.
Col. Klink: Ah, there's no need for it. As I told you, I knew the very minute...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's it. Baker, I'm gonna need a phone tap. Miller, listen to everything he says. Carter...
[motions for Carter to come closer]
Major: You heard me, Colonel, I require a car. Have it ready in 15 minutes.
Col. Klink: As a matter of fact, I could even attend the meeting with you.
Major: Where can I wash up?
Col. Klink: Oh, use my quarters. You know, I could be of great help to your espionage work. From my study of Allied prisoners, I could even get a small, little talk. Something about "know your enemy"...
[Strausser walks into Klink's quarters and slams the door in Klink's face]

Col. Robert E. Hogan: What would you say is the one thing that made the Blue Baron the greatest fighter pilot in World War One?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Me!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I taught him everything he knew about flying. That's why I was known to my classmates as 'The Eagle'.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Because you could fly or because you were bald?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, do you realize what General Burkhalter would say if he saw a chimpanzee working in the garden?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's a lot better than if he saw him lying in the sack goldbricking.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, I'm grateful that a lion didn't walk into your barracks.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Him I would let goldbrick.

Marya: Klink, darling, I have come back to you.
Col. Klink: To me?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, close the gates! The war is back on!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, but what miracle could possibly save me now?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Think that the train will blow up.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The train will blow up?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Only if you believe.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [checking wristwatch] And you better do it quick.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I believe.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [checking wristwatch] Once again.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I believe! Oh, this is ridiculous.
[a ground-shaking explosion is felt and heard]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What was that?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sounded like a train blowin' up.

Colonel: I will throw them in the cooler for life, even after the war... even if we lose!

General: Klink, do you consider yourself competent enough to undertake the task of arresting yourself?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Jawohl! Arrest... myself?
General: Only until I get back to Berlin, then I will have professionals arrest you.

Col. Klink: No one will commit suicide in Stalag 13 without permission.
Col. Hogan: Permission in writing, three copies, correct?
Col. Klink: No, Four copies. One goes to Berlin.

Foster: I am Major Hauptmann of the Führer's staff.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh you are. And why didn't you bring the Führer with you?
Foster: [gestures to Carter, who is dressed as Hitler]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I'm glad you did.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [turns to face Klink]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [breathlessly] Heil Hitler!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [going over the plot against Burkhalter] Eh, what complaint did we agree on?
Colonel: He's forcing us to give him forty percent from the prisoners' food allowance.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Forty percent.
Colonel: Unt the Gestapo knows that he pays them only on the basis of collecting thirty percent from us. Naturally they will not tolerate dishonesty.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Naturally. I mention he was my best friend?

Colonel: A record of everything we purchased for our little hotel here, also supplies...
Major: Ja, spent a great deal of money on food I see.
Colonel: Oh, yes, quite a bit. We are STALAG 13, Major. We do not believe in starvation.
Major: Oh, so I see.
[looks at Schultz]
Sgt. Schultz: I'm on a diet, Major.
Colonel: Oh, yes. Sergeant Schultz eats only three meals a day like all the rest of the men.
Sgt. Schultz: But every meal seems to go right into the next meal. If you know what I mean... sir.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: This man is a spy.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: How can you say that? You found nothing on him that was suspicious.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That in itself is suspicious.

Schultz: [Klink is in prison awaiting a possible execution] I have some good news and bad news.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: This time tell me the good news first.
Schultz: You are going to be executed in the morning.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Then what's the bad news?
Schultz: They aren't giving you a blindfold.

Col. Klink: I thought you said you fixed the car?
LeBeau: I did. It's perfect.

Colonel: If these orders are not carried out, you and the messenger will be court-martialed, shot and sent to the Russian front.

[an explosion]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What was that?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sounded like a staff car blowing up.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: A staff car?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah.
[second explosion heard]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Coincidence! Another staff car!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, you knew they were going top blow up.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Of course. Von Kattenhorn and Feldkamp double-crossed each other.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Did you expect ME to believe that?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, sir, but it's gonna look a lot neater on your report to Berlin.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hm. Schultz? Schultz!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I believe it, Herr Kommandant! I believe it!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: If Berlin knew one tenth of what I had to put up with. Just one TENTH!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yep. Rough war, sir.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Just by chance - by chance, mind you - does the name "Michaels" ring a bell with you?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Michaels? Michaels. Yes. Yes it does. Yes it does.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: It does?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah. I knew this English girl, Diane Michaels. A beauty. Peaches and cream complexion.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That is not the Michaels I had in mind. This one has a mustache.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, we're talking about two different girls.

Colonel: When I looked out the window I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Hogan: Well if it makes you feel any better, sir, there IS a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Colonel: WHAT?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Say, I understand you're counsel for the defense.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: How did it happen?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I'm told that I volunteered.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [jeering] Hey, they're gonna surrender.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Smart move!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [playing along further down the line] Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender.
POW: Who told you?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: I just heard it.
POW: [as some of the prisoners begin to cheer and applaud] Hey, the Krauts are surrenderin'.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Colonel Hogan, control your men.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Aw, I can't, sir. The news of your surrendering is...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Who said anything about a surrender?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You did, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: When?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just now. You used the word yourself.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Only to deny it!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it had to start somewhere.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Silence!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Okay, men! The surrender's off!
[the men vocalize their disappointment]

[last lines]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Now, Klink, I'm going to try and be calm about this. I want you to tell me in your own words exactly how did the radio detector truck get put out of action?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Major Hochstetter, you won't believe this.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: TRY ME!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: It was a million-to-one shot that the candles would have hit the truck.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What candles?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The candles from the birthday cake.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Birthday cake? IN THE MIDDLE OF WORLD WAR II YOU GIVE YOURSELF A BIRTHDAY PARTY?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, no. It wasn't for me.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: The party was for me, sir.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: YOU GIVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A PRISONER?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, no, no. My men gave it to me. I'm sorry you missed it, Major, it was a great party. I saved you some cake.
[Hogan pulls out two pieces of cake from behind his back]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, thank you, Hogan. Thank you.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink. You are succeeding in doing, by yourself, WHAT MILLIONS OF ENEMY SOLDIERS ARE UNABLE TO DO: BRING THE THIRD REICH TO ITS KNEES!
[walks towards door, gives his classical]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: BAH!
[slams door shut]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Party pooper.
[Hogan and Klink then eat their pieces of cake]

Col. Klink: [Weidler gestures for Klink to sit next to her] Thank you.
Erika: I do not know myself. I have never done anything like this before. Everything I've ever been taught is wrong. Why does it feel so right?
Col. Klink: Perhaps, uh, it's the chemistry.
Erika: I won a fight against chemistry.
Col. Klink: One merely surrenders through the inevitable.
Erika: How frightening. There is just one thing that could spoil it all.
Col. Klink: Nothing can spoil it.
Erika: No, it is a personal thing, an eccentricity. I've tried, I cannot overcome it.
Col. Klink: What is it?
Erika: I must see you without your cap on.
Col. Klink: You wouldn't just care to look at my profile?
Erika: All my life, I've been emotionally crippled by this false, foolish idea of male beauty. Why am I unable to grow up? Take off your cap.
Col. Klink: And your idea concerns hair?
Erika: Yes, yes. I hate it. Why am I so foolish?
Col. Klink: [Klink takes off his cap] My dear, dear young woman.
[kisses Weidler]

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, I never realized, deep down, how you must love me.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Not just me, sir. All the men.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: All the men. I must live for THEM.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Would be a help, sir.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what will happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: An escape from Stalag 13? That's a good one.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You will be shot.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That's another good one.

General: [reading the plan] Amazing. You obviously worked hard on this plan, Klink.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thank you, General Burkhalter. I have given it many hours of intelligent thought.
General: That's what's so amazing.

Col. Klink: Hogan, one of the most important men in Germany today is visiting Stalag 13.
Col. Hogan: Old Bubble Head's coming here?
Col. Klink: I do not appreciate you calling our Fuhrer Old Bubble Head!
Col. Hogan: Oh, how about Fruitcake?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [trying to find the three scientist] I'll send to headquarters in Hammelburg. I will be here every single day until I find these men.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I assure you I shall give the Gestapo my complete cooperation, Major Hochstetter.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja. Even that will not discourage me.

[Klink asks Hogan for advice on avoiding marital entanglements to Burkhalter's sister]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Tell ya what'cha gotta do. Give her the old soldier routine - you may be sent off to battle any minute, your life is not your own, it's not fair to the little woman... You know.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Excellent! Excellent! Wait, she knows that I am permanently stationed at Stalag 13.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Easy. Tell her you're involved in a plot against Hitler.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Shh! Shh! I'm not, I'm not. That would be sure death. Why would *I* say such a thing?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You might figure it was worth it. Have fun, Kommandant.

SS: You want to work for us?
Newkirk: Now you've got it, Major.
[referring to the building outside of the barracks where the counterfeit operation is taking place]
Newkirk: I know what's going on in that building, and I can help you make some of that lovely money. All I want you to do is let have whatever falls on the ground each day.
Col. Klink: Incredible. It's incredible!
Newkirk: Shh! Kommandant, please! That's picture's got ears like a bloody radar.
SS: I take it you know something about this kind of work?
Newkirk: Well, I did a pretty fair job with his signature, didn't I?
Col. Klink: You're a criminal!
Newkirk: Sir, you're gonna insult me if you keep that up.
SS: I assume you are familiar with a Bockenheimer rotary and press?
Newkirk: I could put those things together and tear them down again with me eyes closed. I've done it many times.
SS: I see. Ever hear of von Holtz?
Newkirk: Hear of him?
[scoffs]
Newkirk: I've met him in Zurich, 1938. The greatest counterfeiter of our time. Why, I choked with emotion when he shook my hand.
Col. Klink: He's a crook!
Newkirk: Oh, Kommandant, what's with the name?
SS: Yes. He's a crook, Colonel... but not the kind we need. For your information, Bockenheimer is the name of Hitler's favorite piano player.
Col. Klink: What?
Newkirk: Come on, there's a coincidence for you.
SS: And just as Bockenheimer is not a printing press, von Holtz is not a counterfeiter. He is one of our most respected young scientists. This man is a liar and a fraud.
Newkirk: Well, there's no need to get ugly, sir.
Col. Klink: Shut up! I knew from the beginning, sir.
[laughs]
SS: He obviously got hold of your signature and thought he could bluff his way into the building and pick up a little money. Hmm. Some forger.
Newkirk: Well, I could always learn.
Col. Klink: You will learn, alright! Or you'll rot in the cooler! Now get out of here! I'll deal with you later!
Newkirk: You don't want to change your mind and let me do a little on the job training? I'm a very good studier.
Col. Klink: OUT!
SS: And not a word of this to anyone, or I'll see to it that you get more than the cooler.
Newkirk: Yes, sir.
[leaves Klink's office]

Col. Wilhelm Klink: You knock him out or you'll be fighting a Russian bear for the Stalingrad championship.
General: And guess who will be in your corner, shivering?

General: We will take you to a channel port. A boat will be provided, you will cross to England and report you have escaped from Stalag 13.
Col. Hogan: Who's going to accompany me?
General: A Luftwaffe officer.
Col. Hogan: Well, he'll have to know something about Stalag 13. They'll interrogate us.
General: Exactly. That's why I've chosen Col. Klink.
Col. Klink: [shocked] Me?
Col. Hogan: General, you didn't mention anything about this being a suicide mission.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Building 12, what's in there, Schultz?
Sgt. Schultz: Herr Kommandant, powdered milk, eggs, and cases of beer.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That's not important.
Sgt. Schultz: Beer is not important?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Move it somewhere.
Sgt. Schultz: I could store it in my barracks.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: General, I can assure you I will find that radio if Sergeant Schultz will have to tear the barracks apart by tearing out each nail with his teeth.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: What's happening? What was that explosion?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Nothing, Colonel. Just another "accident."

[Newkirk and Carter are found near the camp fence]
Colonel: Schultz, into the cooler they go. Throw away the key.
Carter: Don't we get a trial or anything?
Colonel: This is Germany. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor.

Col. Hogan: [leaning on Klink's desk] Well, I mean you go along running the toughest camp in Germany and then suddenly, one day you look out and through the gate comes a Sherman tank,
[points at Klink]
Col. Hogan: with its peashooter pointed right at your monocle.
Col. Klink: [stands up, visibly nervous] What?
Col. Hogan: Yeah, yeah. And then out steps a second lieutenant, 19 years old, 6 feet 4, a high school senior from Wichita, Kansas, and he says, "Sir, you are my prisoner."
[points at Klink]
Col. Hogan: Very correct. And if you move, he shoots you.
[sits in Klink's chair]

Col. Wilhelm Klink: The Russian front? A target like Schultz wouldn't have a chance.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Do you think that a card would be appropriate?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, absolutely, sir. Absolutely.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, all right.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [dictating] To my belovéd Führer...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [writing] To my belovéd Führer...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: ...from a grateful kommandant.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: ...from a grateful kommandant.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Thanks for a wonderful war.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thanks for a wonderful...
[Klink looks at Hogan]

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [addressing the prisoners] And while I'm on leave Col. Kureger will be in charge of Stalag 13. Now let me leave you with this warning, 'While the cats away the mice better not play'.

Col. Hogan: It's entirely up to you as to what kind of father you're gonna be.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, I'm not gonna be ANY kind of father! I'm not even married, and you're asking me to treat Flood like a... like a child!
Col. Hogan: Psychologically he is! Now, if you establish a solid father-son relationship with him...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I won't do it!
Col. Hogan: Kommandant Klink, you've got two choices - fatherhood or an exciting trip to the Russian winter wonderland.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Colonel Hogan, let's bring my boy back home.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Such an impossible lie.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's the best kind.

Sgt. Schultz: Maybe a tunnel?
Col. Klink: Impossible! Why do you think I have you patrolling all over the compound? If there were a tunnel, the ground would collapse.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: The tunnel could be very deep.
Col. Klink: Schultz is heavier than the tunnel is deep.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Everyone in my family lived to be at least eighty. It's a tradition.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: So you break tradition.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: But I LOVE tradition!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [after sending Maj. Hochstetters spy out of the office, making him believe they're gonna raid the prisoner's barracks Wednesday night] Just a moment, Schultz. Tuesday night.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Tuesday?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan thinks he can outsmart me. He'll try to use the tunnel a day earlier and really escape. But I shall be waiting for him. And I won't have to share credit with Major Hochstetter. Am I not clever?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Could I think about that, Herr Commandant?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, Schultz. I want you to give that a lot of thought... on your way to the Eastern Front.

Col. Klink: But, General von Heiner, you want to make it easy for them to blow up the rocket fuel depot?
General: No.
Col. Klink: Of course not. Right, General.
General: I want it to appear easy.
Col. Klink: Ah-ha. That's very clever, General von Heiner. Make it appear easy.
General: We're setting a trap, Klink. Do you know why?
Col. Klink: Of course, sir. Why?
General: Because there's been too much sabotage in this area. Because they've been blowing up everything. And because you have been sitting right in the middle of it, Klink, and doing nothing.
Col. Klink: If I could just to point out, sir...
General: Absolutely nothing.
Col. Klink: Yes, sir. Absolutely nothing.
General: Berlin has been forced to send someone with brains into this situation.
[kisses Mayra's hand]
General: Clever mind hits this band of saboteurs, Klink. It will take one far more clever to trap them.
Col. Klink: Oh, my compliments to Berlin for their choice, sir.
General: We will be at Stalag 13 tomorrow to review your guards. Have them ready.
Col. Klink: Extreme readiness, sir. Extreme readiness.
General: Depot will be ready in three days. After the trap is baited, we wait... for the fox.
Col. Klink: Oh, he has no chance, sir. No chance at all.
General: Dismissed, Klink.
Col. Klink: Thank you, General von Heiner.

Sgt. Schultz: Herr Kommandant, I was taught, no matter how bad something may be, one should always look at the good side.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, the good side looks pretty bad too.

Colonel: [runs to the window and shouts outside] Schultz! Close the gates! The War is back on!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah-ah! There is not enough dinner for two. Ah, heh-heh.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, that's okay with me. The same man that made the coffee may have made that dinner.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah! Uh, Hogan - oh, my manners - won't you, uh, join me for dinner?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, I'd rather not. When I eat dinner, I like to know I'll be around for breakfast.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: I'm being trapped into a marriage.
Col. Hogan: Oh, little blonde waitress at the hofbrau?
Col. Hogan: No.
Col. Hogan: Tall brunette manicurist at the hotel?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: No.
Col. Hogan: Give me a hint.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: She's short and squat.
Col. Hogan: Burkhalter's sister, Gertrude.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Right.

Colonel: Of course, you want me to handle it with my usual Klink efficiency, General.
General: No, this time I want it done right.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Have you ever heard such a thing?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Herr Kommandant, I heard nothing. Nothing!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You weren't standing outside with your ear against the door?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Yes, but I fell asleep.

Schultz: They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad.
Colonel: Hah! They'll never get any volunteers from my men!
Schultz: I beg to report, Herr Kommandant, they did.
Colonel: *looks like he doesn't believe it* How many volunteered?
Schultz: Seventy-six.
Hogan: *looks surprised* How many men do you have?
Schultz: Eighty-two.
Colonel: *looks defiant* At least six of my men are loyal!
Schultz: *Resists a smile* No, Herr Kommandant. Two are in the hospital, and four are on furlough.
Hogan: Well, that makes it unanimous.
Colonel: Wait a minute, wait a minute. We only have eighty men!
Schultz: Counting the two deserters, but they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot.

Schultz: There's more traffic here than downtown Berlin.
Colonel: Paint fumes gather underneath the tarp, Schultz. They have to clear their heads.
Schultz: I wish I had a drugstore on *this* corner.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Colonel Klink, you're an evil man.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, I am. And it makes me feel good all over.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Klink and Hogan enter Freitag's room] I can't tell you what an honour it is to have the opportunity...
Herman Freitag: [completely ignoring Klink] Colonel Hogan, I've heard so much about you, I feel I've known you a long time.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You've heard of me? I haven't really done anything.
Herman Freitag: Your modesty does you credit. But sometimes the best-kept secrets leak out. You know what I mean?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I suppose you're talking about the bombing mission I flew against your secret submarine base in Bremen?
Herman Freitag: Oh, was that you?
[laughs uncomfortably]
Herman Freitag: Yeah, we lost eight submarines in that raid.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I believe it was nine, but who's counting?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [laughing] That reminds me of a marvellously funny story about a sailor who hadn't seen his wife...
Herman Freitag: [again ignoring Klink] Actually, I'm an admirer of what you've been doing more recently.
[pauses briefly]
Herman Freitag: Oh, I'm sorry. Colonel Hogan, this is Ilse Praeger. Deputy Gruppenfuhrer Mannheim.
[Mannheim steps forward, Freitag addresses Colonel Klink]
Herman Freitag: What is your name?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Klink, sir. Wilhelm Klink.
Herman Freitag: Yes. Mannheim, why don't you see if my uniforms are back from the tailor? And take Colonel Kink with you.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Klink.
Herman Freitag: Whatever you say.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Not one prisoner has escaped from this camp.
General: It is hard to dig a tunnel when you're holding your sides laughing.

Col. Klink: I'm not sure, Hogan, but I think I should be offended.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, is there anything I can get you, General, before you go to sleep - perhaps a glass of warm milk?
General: Warm milk?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah, I always have a glass before bedtime makes me sleep like a baby.
General: Take my word, Klink, this is no time to be a sound sleeper.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, I appreciate your concern, General, but I can assure you, you need not worry about my life being in danger.
General: I'm not worried about your life. If they get you, I am next.

Colonel: No, no, no, no, no! A pink building on a military establishment, are you mad? If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Come on, Colonel. It's about time we got a little color in the war. Everything is so drab.
Colonel: PAINT IT AGAIN!

Col. Klink: Would you be interested in a business proposition? The war can't last forever.
Col. Hogan: Whadda ya got in mind, a chain of Happy Hun hamburger stands?

Colonel: Those prisoners will be released over my dead body!
Hogan: It's a deal!

Col. Hogan: [saluting Major Zolle] Colonel Hogan, senior officer of the prisoners of war reporting.
Major: So...
Col. Hogan: And may I say how glad we are to see you here, sir. You see, we have many grievances here, but for the Gestapo's reputation for fairness and generosity...
[Klink comes out of his office]
Col. Klink: Welcome to Stalag 13. I'm so happy to...
[sees Colonel Hogan]
Col. Klink: What are you doing here? I confined all prisoners to the barracks.
Major: Why, Colonel Klink?
Col. Klink: [stammers] Well, it...
Col. Hogan: Yeah, I've been meaning to ask myself, Kommandant.
Col. Klink: Discipline. Discipline, sir. I run a hard camp. You should've let me know that you were coming.
Major: Oh, the Gestapo warns no one. I am Major Zolle, Kommandany Klink, and I assure you, I know all about you and your camp. I will come right to the point. There is something strange about this camp.
Col. Klink: Strange, sir? Not one complaint from Berlin!
Major: Why do they not complain?
Col. Klink: Because Berlin...
Major: Because Berlin cannot be trusted either.
Col. Klink: Cannot be trusted? But General Burkhalter...
Major: What about General Burkhalter?
Col. Klink: He personally commented Stalag 13. No incidents, no escapes.
Major: Perhaps General Burkhalter cannot be trusted. What do you say to that?
Col. Klink: General Burkhalter...
Major: I trust no one. Not you, not my mother.
Col. Klink: Not your mother? Sir, I assure you, I run a modern camp!
Major: We will find something wrong, believe me. Another way saying... if a thing sounds too perfect, watch out.
[turns to his men guarding the car he arrived in]
Major: Come.
[he and his men march into Klink's office]

Col. Klink: Schultz, you idiot, you don't salute him, he's your prisoner.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uh, General Biedenbender, have you met Colonel Hogan before?
General: Never, never, but I know him inside and outside.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I see.
General: You're surprised, Colonel Hogan, eh? Heh-heh. Don't bother to answer. I... know.

General: You have become very social, you three.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, it's just a discussion of prison problems, General Burkhalter. We never stop trying to build better mousetraps.
General: You take me for a fool, Klink? Do you not know that I have my sources of information? Vhen I see my colonels getting together for a little chat, I know what they are talking about - a plot... to replace me.
[the three colonels talk over each other to deny this]
General: Stop pretending! I only want to know one thing - who will save his skin by informing on the other two?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I believe that General Burkhalter knows that, as a man of honor, I would never inform on my fellows officers were I involved in a conspiracy; however, since I'm completely innocent and it was all the idea of Bussie and Bermeister...
[Bussie vehemently berates Klink about it being all his idea while Bermeister denies involvement]
General: Quiet! You're all under arrest in quarters. I will see that you get a fair trial immediately, after which you will be shot.

Col. Klink: What about Feldcamp?
LeBeau: They thought he was so overworked, they sent him to a rest camp.
Kinchloe: And when he got out, he was so rested, they sent him to the Russian front.
Col. Hogan: Now he's really resting... in peace.
Col. Klink: Poor Feldcamp.

Col. Klink: [an arrow has whizzed into the room and knocked off his hat] What is it?
Col. Hogan: I don't know. Did you do anything nasty to Robin Hood?