The Best Captain Bohrmann Quotes

Captain: [entering Klink's office] Colonel Klink. Heil Hitler.
Col. Klink: Heil Hitler. Uh, please, Captain. Sit down, sit down.
[closes the door to his office]
Col. Klink: Uh, what can I do for you?
Captain: I have been assigned to Gestapo headquarters in Dusseldorf, but I'm living in Hammelberg at the moment. Hauserhof Hotel, room 209.
Col. Klink: Very interesting. But is it important?
Captain: Very.
Newkirk: [listening in from the coffee pot] What's this Captain's game?
LeBeau: Keep quiet, and maybe we'll find out.
Col. Klink: Of course I remember the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer. Could any loyal German ever forget it?
Captain: I don't think you will. The conspirators are still being rounded up. A very important man was recently arrested. I searched his house.
[takes out a picture from his coat pocket]
Captain: Found this picture and the negatives.
Col. Klink: Mm-hmm.
[looks at the picture and sees himself next to the conspirator]
Col. Klink: No, it's not possible!
Col. Hogan: Klink sounds like he swallowed his monocle.
Kinchloe: Must be some picture.
LeBeau: Klink and a woman, maybe?
Col. Hogan: Impossible. Klink's in love with Klink. Wouldn't let anyone come between himself.
Col. Klink: General Mulendorf.
Captain: That's his arm around your shoulders.
Col. Klink: Yes. We were friends.
Captain: Close friends.
[voice turns stern]
Captain: And very possibly associated in the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer.
Col. Klink: [drops the picture] I knew the man. We went to school together for ten years; saw each other every day. But what's that?
Captain: You were also best man at his wedding.
Col. Klink: Oh, well... I had nothing else to do that afternoon.
Captain: Colonel, I have a problem. If turn this picture into Gestapo headquarters, an innocent man may be executed.
Col. Klink: Innocent?
Captain: You.
Col. Klink: Me? I'm not innocent. I mean, I am innocent. What have I done?
Captain: If I destroy the negative, or... give it to you, I won't exactly be doing my duty, will I?
Col. Klink: No. You do have a problem.
Col. Hogan: Klink's beautiful, isn't he?
Kinchloe: Little Alice in Krautland.
Newkirk: How stupid man one man be?
Col. Hogan: Keep listening. He'll tell you.
Col. Klink: And you expect me to pay your hotel bill?
Captain: In addition to say, a thousand marks right now. While I consider the problem.
Col. Klink: Couldn't you consider the problem a little less expensively?
Captain: The life an innocent kommandant is at stake.
Col. Klink: Oh. I'll get the money out of the safe.