50 Best Richard Dawson Quotes

Newkirk: If they transfer Klink, we might get another kraut we can train.

Newkirk: I've been dodging krauts all day. Some of them got pretty close.
Col. Hogan: [wiping lipstick off Newkirk's cheek] Yeah, one of them even kissed you.

Berlin: I think of you as a very young, charming, attractive man, who doesn't want to see his countrymen killed. That is a patriot.
Newkirk: I like that description.
Berlin: Patriot?
Newkirk: Attractive and charming.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [showing Schultz items in a footlocker from which he can choose something to buy] A cigarette lighter. See the inscription? "To H. G. from J. G."
Sgt. Schultz: [impressed] "To H. G. from J. G." What does that mean?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: To Hermann Goering from Joseph Goebbels.
Sgt. Schultz: [unbelieving] How did you get it?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [deadpan] Well, it was a mad weekend in Berchtesgarden, while I was...
Sgt. Schultz: [cuts him off] NNNOOOOO... thank you! I am not interested in a lighter!

[last lines]
[Hogan's men react angrily when he volunteers them to help rebuild the Adolf Hitler Bridge in exchange for Klink's promise to reopen the recreation hall]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Shhh. All right, all right. We're gonna rebuild the bridge with a very special feature.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What you mean by that?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's gonna be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.

Carter: Hey, maybe hand grenades would do a little damage.
Newkirk: That's 15 miles from here at least.
Kinchloe: I'll warm up my pitching arm.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Col. Hogan: One little detail I forgot to mention.
Newkirk: It's a million dollars plus 10 cents a mile?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: It is about his defense counsel. Colonel Hauptmann is a very lucky man.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Who's defending him?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Klink?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Klink?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Klink?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You don't mean our Klink. I mean, the Klink here - you don't mean him.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, Kommandant Klink, a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.

Kinchloe: How will I sign it?
Col. Hogan: Oh, put a General's name on it. General...
Newkirk: Why not make it General Nuisance?
Col. Hogan: Very good idea. Sign that General Heinrich von Nuisance.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Schultz tells about his evening] Don't just stand there, Schultz. Come on, tell us about it.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well, she let me kiss her - affectionately, you know?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You, uh, put your arms around her?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: What do you think? I sent her the kiss by mail?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And I suppose, uh, she put her arms around you?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You said it, big boy.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: All the way around? She must be an orangutan.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [as Humphrey Bogart] Sprechen sie deutsch?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [as Sydney Greenstreet] Fluently, sir, fluently.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [as Humphrey Bogart] Then droppen sie dead.

Newkirk: Mama Bear, this is Papa Bear. Come in, please.
English: Go ahead, Papa Bear.
Newkirk: Would you try and locate my girlfriend for me? Her name is Rita Nottingham. She used to live in Tottenham Court Road. She's blonde, 36-24-36.
English: Sorry, we cannot use the air for personal messages.
Newkirk: Do me a favour, you're just jealous.
English: Why should I be? I'm 38-24-36.
Kinchloe: Some Mama Bear.

Newkirk: Gentlemen, gentlemen, a little achtung if you please. And now, direct from a successful engagement in Berlin, where he bombed, here he is, your enemy and mine, heil Schicklgruber!

Hogan: [Hogan and Newkirk pose as German officers in a Nazi building] Take this man's name down, have him transferred to the Russian front!
Newkirk: Jawohl, Herr General! Heil Hitler!
Germans: [frantically] Heil Hitler!
Officer: [approaches Hogan] Might I assist you?
Hogan: [pointing at officer] This man is to be court martialed and *shot!*
Officer: But Herr General, I've not even greeted you yet!
Hogan: That's why! You're too slow!

[Anticipating the Gestapo questioning him the next day leaves Klink too agitated to sleep]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What we need is a nice, friendly, understanding Gestapo agent to question him.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Those kind are a little tough to find aren't they, sir?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [an idea] Oh, I don't know.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [walking over to Carter] You just have to know where to look.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [spooked] Why you lookin' at me, sir?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [clicking fingers] Wardrobe?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, sir. One Gestapo outfit, a medium.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [clicking fingers] Makeup?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Coming right up.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Please don't eat the soap. Wartime shortage, you know.

Col. Hogan: "Civilian", what a beautiful word. Next to "girls".
Newkirk: Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames?
Col. Hogan: Of course I do, but I fight it.

Newkirk: I'm too old to be a prisoner of war.

[a German guard is fending off POW Newkirk from a restricted area]
Guard: Nein!
Newkirk: Oh no, must be half past ten by now.

Kinchloe: Say, where do we find this guy, Alfie the Artist?
Newkirk: [imitating Peter Lorre] Just ask Scotland Yard. They know where he is at all times.

Hogan: Do I have to repeat the orders that were given to us when this happy little band of wandering minstrels was formed?
Newkirk: Sir, all I'm trying to -
Hogan: OK, I will. Quote: You'll assist escaping prisoners, cooperate with all friendly forces, and use every means to harass and injure the enemy. Unquote.

Berlin: Colonel Klink?
Col. Klink: Yes, I am.
Berlin: You must be Corporal Newkirk.
[Newkirk gulps]
Berlin: [notices that Klink's coat is catching fire from Newkirk's cigar] Colonel, I believe you're on fire.
[Klink nods]
Newkirk: No, I am.
Col. Klink: You're right.
[notices that his coat is smoking]
Col. Klink: FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
[Newkirk throws water onto the smoking spot of Klink's coat]
Newkirk: There, that ought to do it, sir.
Col. Klink: Thank you so much.
Berlin: Corporal Newkirk, Dr. Goebels' most grateful for your contribution to the Third Reich, and of course, to your own country. You will be amply rewarded.
Newkirk: Thank you, Fraulein.
Berlin: Betty?
[looking coyly at Newkirk]
Newkirk: Thank you, Betty. I've already written me speech. Would you like to take a look at it?
[takes out his speech and shows it to Berlin Betty]
Berlin: Yes, I... I believe that will be most effective, but, uh, perhaps we should discuss this privately. Mm?
Col. Klink: And I thought perhaps you might be able to use me on your broadcast. I'm told I have a fantastic voice.
Berlin: Really?
Col. Klink: Oh, yes. In the Luftwaffe, I was always chosen to broadcast from the tower because of my, uh, resonance, my projection, and my incredible diction.
Berlin: How interesting.
Col. Klink: [imitating calling on an airfield radio, with one hand to his ear, simulating an earpiece] Schwartz Airfield calling Messerschmitt 2... 7... 1...
Newkirk: I haven't heard a voice like that since Eric von Stroheim.
Berlin: Now, would you mind, Colonel? I would like to discuss the Corporal's speech with him. Uh, may we use your quarters?
Col. Klink: Why, of course! Everything is ready! Schultz!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Okay, we start digging.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Right. First thing in the morning, we start digging.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We dig now.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, have a heart, Colonel. We've been out here muckin' about for hours. We're done in. We'll do a lot better after a good night's kip.
[silence]
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Well, legally you can't demand that we dig now. It-it's inhuman, indecent, and it's impossible. Right, men?
[silence]
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Well, why are we standing around when we should be workin', eh? Go on.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Carter's attempts to manufacture explosives destroys one of the tunnels] We still gotta figure a way to make more ammunition.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, I'm still willing to try, Colonel.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Whose side are you on?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [referring to some shell casings he stole from Schultz] If we have about 500 of these, they'd make a lovely bomb.
[hands Colonel Hogan a shell casing]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hey, Newkirk, where'd you get these?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Schultz's cartridge case. I pinched them off while I was giving him that old jolly up.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why not?
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Why not what, Colonel?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Blow up the Adolf Hitler Bridge with their own ammunition. It's a nice touch.
[gives Newkirk the shell casing back]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Here.
[pulls down a map of the underground tunnels beneath their barracks]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: All right, fellas, look here. This is where the krauts keep their ammunition in the ammunition room, right? Now, we dig a right angle turn in Tunnel Number 3, and we surface in the middle of all that beautiful gunpowder.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: It's marvelous.
LeBeau: That's great.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Wait a minute. Hold it, fellas. Before you get too happy, I got some bad news. That last explosion collapsed about 50 feet of Tunnel 3.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Oh, that's the clincher. The way the krauts are watching us, it'll take us a month to clear that 50 feet.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Newkirk, can you pick a lock?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I find that question, sir, 'ighly insulting.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sorry, old bean, I should have known. Gentlemen, I think we're in business. LeBeau, we can use all the paint you have leftover from that sign job and a couple of paintbrushes, too.
LeBeau: Okay, what for?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Tonight, we're going to paint Klink into a corner.

LeBeau: Gee, I couldn't help from being late, Colonel. The Patrol stop me. The area was crawling with krauts. I had to make a big detour to get back.
Carter: You could have moved a little faster.
LeBeau: Oh-yeah? I'm dressed like a little old woman. And, why would a little old woman be running through the woods? You tell me that.
Newkirk: You always say you were being chased by a little old man.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What sort of medals does Klink wear?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Borrowed.

Newkirk: Just a moment, Miss. Would you care to be a pen pal to a lonely British war hero in a German prison camp, who lies in his bunk, staring at the ceiling, wondering if ever again he'll see the white cliffs of Dover, or go strolling through the heather in the highlands, or take a rosy-cheeked English lass paddling on the Thames?
Goldilocks,: Stand by, Papa Bear. Our wires have just been crossed with the BBC and we're getting one of those dreadful soap operas.
Kinchloe: Roger, Goldilocks. Over and out.

[during a fake air raid]
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Don't keep calm - everybody panic!

Sgt. Andrew Carter: I hate to say this, Colonel, but I don't see any way we're going to get our hands on that briefcase.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're right, the situation is hopeless, there's no solution, we're faced with an absolute impossibility.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: In that case, sir, why don't you tell us what you've thought of?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Alright, here it is.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [at roll call] Schultz, why don't you take off your shoes and socks? You're running out of fingers.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Err, don't confuse me!
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Hey, Schultz, why don't you count our legs and divide by two?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Quiet!

Newkirk: [Upon seeing Chitterly turning himself in to Sgt. Schultz] Is he one of ours or one of theirs?
Col. Hogan: I think he's one of yours. And you can have him.

Agent: You are Papa Bear?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: No, but I'll see that he gets it. I'll put it in his porridge.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I'm afraid Flood's had it this time. Nobody escapes those Gestapo boys.
Col. Hogan: Yeah, I'd like to think that Flood just might be the exception.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, I'd like to think so too, but I'd lay a hundred to one against it.
Sergeant: [appearing from under a blanket] I believe I'll take that bet, Newkirk.

Newkirk: [upon learning that Crittendon parked a truck outside their barracks that's rigged to explode] The first thing we need to do is not panic.
Kinchloe: I already have. What's the second thing?

Newkirk: Ja, ja, Gestapo headquarters, Captain Schnuzle speaking.
Otto: Otto von Krubner here.
Newkirk: Oh, the world-famous munitions maker who used to have a factory at Rindlesgard?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [while running a casino in the barracks] Schultz, the complaint department's on the roof. Take the elevator.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Uh, welcome aboard Stalag 13 Airlines. Anything we can do to make your flight more comfortable, please feel free to call upon us.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Colonel Hogan is your pilot, we are your stewards, Sgt. Carter is your bombardier.

Major: I don't quite understand, chaps. I mean, my record is perfect. Appeared three times in two years at the Hollywood Canteen.
Col. Hogan: My men are upset with you, Buckles, doing a propaganda film for the Germans.
Major: They are? But it sounded like such a good part.
Col. Hogan: Get him out of here, Schultz!
Sgt. Schultz: My orders are to remain with this man at all times! At all times!
Col. Hogan: [sarcastically] I'm very happy for both of you! But be together somewhere else! We got work to do!
Sgt. Schultz: Work to do? What kind of work...? Please, don't tell me.
Major: Wait a minute, Hogan, I'm beginning to get your drift. You mean that, uh, public relations-wise, it might be bad for my image to make this film.
Col. Hogan: It's Colonel Hogan, and I couldn't care less!
Major: I like that. I like that. I like a man who looks after my interests. Very well, Hogan. I won't do it.
Col. Hogan: Wait a minute. Do it. I'll be the director.
Major: What?
Newkirk: Hold on, Colonel.
LeBeau: Why?
Carter: Colonel... you're gonna direct a German propaganda movie?
Col. Hogan: That's right.
Sgt. Schultz: Excuse me. Colonel Hogan, I know from experience when you decide to do something, which looks good for the Germans, it's bad for the Germans, am I right?
Col. Hogan: Uh, keep going, Schultz.
Sgt. Schultz: Now, what's bad for the Germans, you're about to explain to my personal charge, the movie star Major.
Col. Hogan: Yes, it's possible.
Sgt. Schultz: But I have strict orders NOT TO LET HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT!
Col. Hogan: What do you think you should do, Schultz?
Sgt. Schultz: I know nothing! I see nothing! Nothing!

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: It's going to snow again. The weather is getting a little nippy.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, good thing the mail arrived.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Why? Are you expecting any warm clothing?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: No, I use the letters to cover the holes in my underwear.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I could use a few letters myself.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, in your case, Schultz, you'd need the New York Times. Sunday edition.

[first lines]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [looking at a map of Germany with Pierre, trying to figure out what to attack next] From the information we got on the troop movements, they're converging on this area right here.
Pierre: Oh. That's a lot of Germans to be meeting in one place.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We think they're planning on a big push. We're gonna have to try and slow them down.
Pierre: Well, we can blow up these bridges, landmines on these roads will take care of the truck convoys.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't forget the airfields.
Pierre: I never forget an airfield.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just one thing that bothers me about this whole operation.
Pierre: What's that?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We gathered the information too easily.
Pierre: Well, that's the way it is in this business. Sometimes it comes easy, sometimes not so easy, and... sometimes not at all.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You better get ready to move out. LeBeau's gonna release some of the dogs to create a diversion.
Pierre: All right.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Everything's clear up there, sir.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Good luck.
Pierre: [salutes Col. Hogan] Thank you.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [shakes hands with Pierre] Good luck.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [as if gazing into the future through a German stick grenade] The war games they're having tomorrow: I see casualties. Lots of casualties.
Kinchloe: Casualties in war games?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Ah, a few get hurt, sir.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I see a lot more than a few.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: You want us to take on a whole SS regiment?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No. We let them take on each other. Now picture if you will the fascinating consequences if this dummy ammunition, if used in the war games, is sprinkled with a goodly amount of the real McCoy.

SS: You want to work for us?
Newkirk: Now you've got it, Major.
[referring to the building outside of the barracks where the counterfeit operation is taking place]
Newkirk: I know what's going on in that building, and I can help you make some of that lovely money. All I want you to do is let have whatever falls on the ground each day.
Col. Klink: Incredible. It's incredible!
Newkirk: Shh! Kommandant, please! That's picture's got ears like a bloody radar.
SS: I take it you know something about this kind of work?
Newkirk: Well, I did a pretty fair job with his signature, didn't I?
Col. Klink: You're a criminal!
Newkirk: Sir, you're gonna insult me if you keep that up.
SS: I assume you are familiar with a Bockenheimer rotary and press?
Newkirk: I could put those things together and tear them down again with me eyes closed. I've done it many times.
SS: I see. Ever hear of von Holtz?
Newkirk: Hear of him?
[scoffs]
Newkirk: I've met him in Zurich, 1938. The greatest counterfeiter of our time. Why, I choked with emotion when he shook my hand.
Col. Klink: He's a crook!
Newkirk: Oh, Kommandant, what's with the name?
SS: Yes. He's a crook, Colonel... but not the kind we need. For your information, Bockenheimer is the name of Hitler's favorite piano player.
Col. Klink: What?
Newkirk: Come on, there's a coincidence for you.
SS: And just as Bockenheimer is not a printing press, von Holtz is not a counterfeiter. He is one of our most respected young scientists. This man is a liar and a fraud.
Newkirk: Well, there's no need to get ugly, sir.
Col. Klink: Shut up! I knew from the beginning, sir.
[laughs]
SS: He obviously got hold of your signature and thought he could bluff his way into the building and pick up a little money. Hmm. Some forger.
Newkirk: Well, I could always learn.
Col. Klink: You will learn, alright! Or you'll rot in the cooler! Now get out of here! I'll deal with you later!
Newkirk: You don't want to change your mind and let me do a little on the job training? I'm a very good studier.
Col. Klink: OUT!
SS: And not a word of this to anyone, or I'll see to it that you get more than the cooler.
Newkirk: Yes, sir.
[leaves Klink's office]

LeBeau: Tomorrow, I go on strike.
Newkirk: That's all you Frenchmen ever do, go on strike.
Kinchloe: And make love.
Newkirk: Yeah, you never hear 'em strikin' about that, do you?

[Myra and Newkirk are being held in a German prison]
Myra: I'm just so scared.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Of me or them?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where is the map of the submarine pens?
Colonel: It's hidden. Only I can find it and only I am going to deliver it to London.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You wouldn't want to tell me where it is just in case you had an accident, like walking in front of the firing squad or something?
Colonel: Colonel Klink, my brilliant defense counsel is going to make sure that doesn't happen.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Are you kidding? You'll be lucky if he isn't shot with you.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
[no response]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What did you say, Schultz?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I said 'Achtung!'
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh. Your bid, Kinch.
Kinch: Two of clubs.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: When I say 'Achtung' that means that you all are to SNAP to attention.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, is that what it means? Huh! I always thought it meant 'Good morning' or 'Greetings, Mate.' Something like that.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: No, no. 'Achtung' is a command. When I say 'Achtung' I want you all to come to attention at once.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: I wasn't sure what that one meant myself. It always sounded like Schultz was just clearing his throat. So that's a command for attention, huh?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: That's right! Now that you all know it...
[Schultz leaves and then re-enters the room]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: And a 'Good morning' to you, too, Schultz.
Kinch: Didn't you hear what Schultz said?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Sure. He said 'Achtung' so I said 'Good morning' right back to him.
Kinch: Achtung doesn't mean 'Good morning.'
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, that's what Newkirk says it means. And who are we gonna believe? One of us or one of them?
Kinch: He's got a point there.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Yes he does! You'd better brush up on your German, Schultz.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yeah, don't use words you're not sure of. In future, to avoid confusion, why don't you just say 'Good Morning' in English?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hi Schultz! Just let us all know when it's time for Roll Call, will you?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl, Colonel Hogan... But it IS time for Roll Call. That's why I came here in the first place! It's almost PAST time for Roll Call!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, you'd never make sergeant in OUR Air Force.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Roll Call! Everybody out, out, out, out, out, out, out! Roll Call! Raus!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Hey Thank you! And a 'Good day' to you, too, Schultz.

Col. Hogan: How long did it take us to dig that tunnel to the barbed-wire fence?
LeBeau: Well, we used eight men and as I remember, it took us about...
Kinchloe: Sixteen hours.
LeBeau: Yeah, sixteen hours.
Col. Hogan: All right, this is twice the distance. How long will it take to get to the girls?
Newkirk: About a hour and a half, sir.
LeBeau: We wouldn't let you dig this alone.
Newkirk: Well, with help, twenty minutes.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I think Kommandant Klink's looking for you.
Sgt. Schultz: He knows where I am. I'm right here if he wants me.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What makes you think he wants to see Schultz?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, I heard him say, "Where is that idiot?" No, he said, "Where is that stupid idiot?"
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Maybe he meant someone else.
Sgt. Schultz: No, he wants me.

Col. Hogan: Now that we've lost our explosives, the only chance we have to stall those panzer divisions is to do a lousy job of clearing that pass.
Newkirk: Well, if you don't mind me saying so, sir, you couldn't pick a better group to do a lousy job.