The Best Major Byron Buckles Quotes

Major: [about Schultz] Hogan, Hogan, this man is impossible! I cannot work with him!

Major: If I'm going to die, at least let it be in a close-up.

Major: In my career, Hogan, I have worked with dogs. I have even worked with small children. BUT NEVER WITH A SCENE STEALER LIKE SCHULTZ.

Major: I don't quite understand, chaps. I mean, my record is perfect. Appeared three times in two years at the Hollywood Canteen.
Col. Hogan: My men are upset with you, Buckles, doing a propaganda film for the Germans.
Major: They are? But it sounded like such a good part.
Col. Hogan: Get him out of here, Schultz!
Sgt. Schultz: My orders are to remain with this man at all times! At all times!
Col. Hogan: [sarcastically] I'm very happy for both of you! But be together somewhere else! We got work to do!
Sgt. Schultz: Work to do? What kind of work...? Please, don't tell me.
Major: Wait a minute, Hogan, I'm beginning to get your drift. You mean that, uh, public relations-wise, it might be bad for my image to make this film.
Col. Hogan: It's Colonel Hogan, and I couldn't care less!
Major: I like that. I like that. I like a man who looks after my interests. Very well, Hogan. I won't do it.
Col. Hogan: Wait a minute. Do it. I'll be the director.
Major: What?
Newkirk: Hold on, Colonel.
LeBeau: Why?
Carter: Colonel... you're gonna direct a German propaganda movie?
Col. Hogan: That's right.
Sgt. Schultz: Excuse me. Colonel Hogan, I know from experience when you decide to do something, which looks good for the Germans, it's bad for the Germans, am I right?
Col. Hogan: Uh, keep going, Schultz.
Sgt. Schultz: Now, what's bad for the Germans, you're about to explain to my personal charge, the movie star Major.
Col. Hogan: Yes, it's possible.
Sgt. Schultz: But I have strict orders NOT TO LET HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT!
Col. Hogan: What do you think you should do, Schultz?
Sgt. Schultz: I know nothing! I see nothing! Nothing!

Major: Exchanging me for three generals, you know.
Col. Hogan: Good break for you.
Major: Ah, not really. I insisted on it in my contract before I enlisted.