300 Best Bob Crane Quotes

Col. Klink: Hogan, one of the most important men in Germany today is visiting Stalag 13.
Col. Hogan: Old Bubble Head's coming here?
Col. Klink: I do not appreciate you calling our Fuhrer Old Bubble Head!
Col. Hogan: Oh, how about Fruitcake?

Schultz: Col. Hogan if you ever escape...
Hogan: Yeah?
Schultz: Be a good fellow and take me with you.

Sgt. Andrew Carter: Let's get out of here!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Let's get our prisoner first.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: We haven't got time... Our what? We can't keep a prisoner!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, we've got our own prison. What better place to keep him.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: But we're prisoners!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: So what? Just because we're prisoners doesn't mean we can't have our own prisoners.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: It's impossible.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: There's a rule or something? The Geneva Convention - not a word. We got our rights; we're as good as they are. Look, if the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the Americans have a German prisoner. If we're wrong, what are they going to do? Lock us up?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Burkhalter's here?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Yeah, he just came through the front gate and seized the camp. Anybody disobeying his orders, will be shot. Anybody questioning his orders, will be shot. Anybody asking the meaning of his orders, will be shot. What do you think it means?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Trouble.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Could you tell me what kind?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: As a matter of fact, I could.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Please... don't.

Sgt. Andrew Carter: I hate to say this, Colonel, but I don't see any way we're going to get our hands on that briefcase.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're right, the situation is hopeless, there's no solution, we're faced with an absolute impossibility.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: In that case, sir, why don't you tell us what you've thought of?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Alright, here it is.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [telling Klink what a good catch Burkhalter's sister is to marry] Gertrude is just the kind of woman you need. She's clever, forceful, efficient, thrifty.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What about her looks?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What's there to behold? She looks like her brother.

Major: I don't quite understand, chaps. I mean, my record is perfect. Appeared three times in two years at the Hollywood Canteen.
Col. Hogan: My men are upset with you, Buckles, doing a propaganda film for the Germans.
Major: They are? But it sounded like such a good part.
Col. Hogan: Get him out of here, Schultz!
Sgt. Schultz: My orders are to remain with this man at all times! At all times!
Col. Hogan: [sarcastically] I'm very happy for both of you! But be together somewhere else! We got work to do!
Sgt. Schultz: Work to do? What kind of work...? Please, don't tell me.
Major: Wait a minute, Hogan, I'm beginning to get your drift. You mean that, uh, public relations-wise, it might be bad for my image to make this film.
Col. Hogan: It's Colonel Hogan, and I couldn't care less!
Major: I like that. I like that. I like a man who looks after my interests. Very well, Hogan. I won't do it.
Col. Hogan: Wait a minute. Do it. I'll be the director.
Major: What?
Newkirk: Hold on, Colonel.
LeBeau: Why?
Carter: Colonel... you're gonna direct a German propaganda movie?
Col. Hogan: That's right.
Sgt. Schultz: Excuse me. Colonel Hogan, I know from experience when you decide to do something, which looks good for the Germans, it's bad for the Germans, am I right?
Col. Hogan: Uh, keep going, Schultz.
Sgt. Schultz: Now, what's bad for the Germans, you're about to explain to my personal charge, the movie star Major.
Col. Hogan: Yes, it's possible.
Sgt. Schultz: But I have strict orders NOT TO LET HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT!
Col. Hogan: What do you think you should do, Schultz?
Sgt. Schultz: I know nothing! I see nothing! Nothing!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: If I told you once I told you a thousand times - "Don't over-do it, don't oversell," right? - then *I* went out and did it.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: We're going to try and spring her.
Carter: But, Colonel, that's Gestapo that's got her.
Newkirk: Right, they shoot people for double parking.

Captain: Tell me something. Did you do all this sabotage with three men?
Col. Hogan: We take vitamins.

LeBeau: What happened to the plane?
Col. Hogan: Crashed about eight miles from Hammelburg.
Baker: They'll put it together and study it.
Col. Hogan: Good luck to 'em. It had a captured Messerschmitt engine and a P-51 frame.
Sgt. Schultz: Naughty, naughty. I hear nothing. Nothing!

[while safecracking, the phone rings in Klink's office and Carter answers]
Carter: Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner.
Hogan: Carter.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: A sturdy oak like me should unbend once in a while.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You owe it to the war effort, sir.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [as if gazing into the future through a German stick grenade] The war games they're having tomorrow: I see casualties. Lots of casualties.
Kinchloe: Casualties in war games?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Ah, a few get hurt, sir.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I see a lot more than a few.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: You want us to take on a whole SS regiment?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No. We let them take on each other. Now picture if you will the fascinating consequences if this dummy ammunition, if used in the war games, is sprinkled with a goodly amount of the real McCoy.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Tell me how to open it.
Major: Okay, but if I hear a loud noise, I won't bother going on.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Anybody speak German?
Captain: [speaking German] Yes, Colonel, I speak and understand German.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Wow, like a native.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [to Col. Klink] Who would want to escape from all this beauty?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [savoring the irony] All this beauty!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't bother to notify the crew, Schultz. They'll meet you at the plane.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, please, Colonel Hogan, it will be worth my life.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're right of course, Schultz.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I am?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah. The jig's up. This man can read my mind. I'll be a better person inside when I make a clean breast of EVERYTHING that's been goin' on around here.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [alarmed] Oh, please, Colonel Hogan! You won't mention my name.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, but I'll recommend leniency.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, Please, Colonel Hogan, please. The crew WILL meet me at the plane?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Word of honor.
[Schultz sighs in relief]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You don't care WHICH crew, do you?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, Colonel Hogan...!

Col. Hogan: Who else here knows anything at all about chemical warfare? Who else could convince the Germans he was in chemical warfare before he was captured? Who else could get on the inside and find out the location of that factory? Who?
Carter: You really think I can do that, Colonel?
Col. Hogan: No. It's just that we don't have anyone else.

Newkirk: Sir, we just can't let 'em have a shot at ol' Winnie.
Col. Hogan: I'm with you, Newkirk.
Newkirk: I mean, the war just wouldn't be the same without him.

Col. Hogan: So any way, I got on the radio then to the squadron leader and I said, "My fuselage is full of holes. I can't make it home. What should I do?" And he said, "Don't land in Switzerland. They'll sell you for cheese."

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I could get into trouble. They might send me to the Russian front.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: So what if they do? Wouldn't you rather go as a general than a sergeant?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: That's true. I never thought of it.

[first lines]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [entering Colonel Hauptmann's cabin] This area is crawling with patrols. Why did you want to meet here?
Colonel: I can't take any chances!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, I certainly took plenty getting down to this broken-down farmhouse.
Colonel: I'm sorry, Colonel, but this is the only place I'm safe. The Gestapo is on to me.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: How'd they find out?
Colonel: The same ways they find out everything. Naturally, I'm finished as a source of information.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, I want you to know that you've done a great service to both our countries.
Colonel: Danke Dir.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What about the location of the submarine pans?
Colonel: I have a detailed map of them all.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Detailed map? Great. Well, I can only promise you your sacrifice will not be in vain.
Colonel: What sacrifice?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: If someone gives up his life for something he believes in, I'd certainly say that was a sacrifice.
Colonel: Why you stupid man! Let's understand each other, Colonel. I have no intention of sacrificing my life for anything. And I also have no intention of giving up the map until I am certain my life is quite safe.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, you know the Gestapo. No matter where you hide in this country, your life's gonna be in danger.
Colonel: I'm well aware of that. But I know a trip to London would add years to it. That field outside is big enough to land a plane.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We're not running an airline between here and England.
Colonel: Where I go, the map goes!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Alright, I'll see what we can do.
Colonel: And how fast it can be done. My nerves are at the breaking point!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're the most decorated flyer on the Luftwaffe. You've faced death countless times. Now you act like you're scared stiff.
Colonel: I was scared stiff then, too. Find out about the plane, Hogan!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It may take a few days. You think you can hold on that long?
Colonel: I'll hold on, but...
[hears approaching footsteps outside the cabin]
Colonel: What was that?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What?
Colonel: I heard a noise outside.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I didn't hear anything. You're the most nervous war hero I've ever known.
Colonel: You better get back to the camp. Tell London to hurry!
[Colonel Hogan is about to walk out the door]
Colonel: Use the window!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Alright, they'll get you out if they can.
[walks towards the window and dumps his stuff out]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You'll hear from me in a couple of days.
[jumps out the window and leaves]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [after Colonel Hogan leaves, Hauptmann closes the window and checks the map, which is on the pull-down blind. Gestapo men then burst in and arrest Hauptmann]

Leslie: [Hogan pretends to be a Nazi sympathizer to get on German radio and discredit propagandist Leslie Smythe-Beddoes] You read Mein Kampf, I believe.
Hogan: Oh, yeah. You know that guy, Hitler, who wrote it? A lot of people say that just because he wears that silly mustache the book's a big joke...

Col. Klink: Today, when your men went into town on a work detail, the did something which I consider a personal insult.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What did they do?
Col. Klink: They were wearing arm bands that said that they were prisoners here at Stalag 13. They went into a tourist agency and asked for travel folders.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [sarcastically] Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, do I look all right?
Col. Hogan: Perfect. Any man in this camp would be proud to call you "Daddy."

General: The Allies would give anything to know where I am, but how could they possibly find out?
Col. Hogan: That's simple. Kinch, radio London and tell them.

Carter: [Carter is impersonating Hitler when General Burkhalter arrives and wants to greet him] I would have won the war a long time ago if it wasn't for my generals! They are ignorant stupid fools and they know nothing about war!
[Burkhalter stops in his tracks]
Carter: All they do is eat and have good times!
Hogan: Really?
Carter: Ja! I have one general who looks like a stuffed goose! But believe me one day the goose will hang high... by his heels!
General: On second thought, I will see the Führer some other time!
[He quickly leaves]

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: It's going to snow again. The weather is getting a little nippy.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, good thing the mail arrived.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Why? Are you expecting any warm clothing?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: No, I use the letters to cover the holes in my underwear.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I could use a few letters myself.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, in your case, Schultz, you'd need the New York Times. Sunday edition.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [reads note] My dear Colonel, clever the way you got Wagner out of that prison camp. Kindly be just as clever and get these plans out of this one. Till we meet again, Nimrod.

[Anticipating the Gestapo questioning him the next day leaves Klink too agitated to sleep]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What we need is a nice, friendly, understanding Gestapo agent to question him.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Those kind are a little tough to find aren't they, sir?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [an idea] Oh, I don't know.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [walking over to Carter] You just have to know where to look.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [spooked] Why you lookin' at me, sir?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [clicking fingers] Wardrobe?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, sir. One Gestapo outfit, a medium.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [clicking fingers] Makeup?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Coming right up.

Newkirk: I've been dodging krauts all day. Some of them got pretty close.
Col. Hogan: [wiping lipstick off Newkirk's cheek] Yeah, one of them even kissed you.

Newkirk: There's no shortage of birds in Hammelburg.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Really, Newkirk, how would you know? Have you been sneaking out through the emergency tunnel?
Newkirk: Who me? On my honour, sir.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: On your honor, yes or no?
Newkirk: With your permission, sir, I'd like to resign from this conversation.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What sort of medals does Klink wear?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Borrowed.

[Hogan is trying to trick General Schmidt into revealing the location of his secret headquarters]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: He won't talk to save his life... or will he? I think the general's going to be ill - deathly ill. Newkirk, we have a job for the Mighty Hogan Art Players.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: He took my feather.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I'd say we scalp him but somebody beat us to it.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Maybe it's some kind of a new secret weapon.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Then why did they bring it in here?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They know it's safe. The Allies won't bomb a prisoner of war camp.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Now, you see, that wouldn't be cricket.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Hey, gang! What about if we find out what it is and, if it's important enough, we get London to bomb the camp? That'd be great!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [leading him to the front door and opening it] Carter. Out.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Schultz says I might get shot.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's right.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: I am a prisoner of love.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: How long are you in for?

Marya: Who cares about rocket fuel? They're not bombing Moscow with their rockets, just London.
Col. Hogan: Then what were you after?
Marya: We cannot trust Hitler to shoot all his own generals. Some, we must take care of ourselves.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I'm afraid Flood's had it this time. Nobody escapes those Gestapo boys.
Col. Hogan: Yeah, I'd like to think that Flood just might be the exception.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, I'd like to think so too, but I'd lay a hundred to one against it.
Sergeant: [appearing from under a blanket] I believe I'll take that bet, Newkirk.

Col. Hogan: [saluting Major Zolle] Colonel Hogan, senior officer of the prisoners of war reporting.
Major: So...
Col. Hogan: And may I say how glad we are to see you here, sir. You see, we have many grievances here, but for the Gestapo's reputation for fairness and generosity...
[Klink comes out of his office]
Col. Klink: Welcome to Stalag 13. I'm so happy to...
[sees Colonel Hogan]
Col. Klink: What are you doing here? I confined all prisoners to the barracks.
Major: Why, Colonel Klink?
Col. Klink: [stammers] Well, it...
Col. Hogan: Yeah, I've been meaning to ask myself, Kommandant.
Col. Klink: Discipline. Discipline, sir. I run a hard camp. You should've let me know that you were coming.
Major: Oh, the Gestapo warns no one. I am Major Zolle, Kommandany Klink, and I assure you, I know all about you and your camp. I will come right to the point. There is something strange about this camp.
Col. Klink: Strange, sir? Not one complaint from Berlin!
Major: Why do they not complain?
Col. Klink: Because Berlin...
Major: Because Berlin cannot be trusted either.
Col. Klink: Cannot be trusted? But General Burkhalter...
Major: What about General Burkhalter?
Col. Klink: He personally commented Stalag 13. No incidents, no escapes.
Major: Perhaps General Burkhalter cannot be trusted. What do you say to that?
Col. Klink: General Burkhalter...
Major: I trust no one. Not you, not my mother.
Col. Klink: Not your mother? Sir, I assure you, I run a modern camp!
Major: We will find something wrong, believe me. Another way saying... if a thing sounds too perfect, watch out.
[turns to his men guarding the car he arrived in]
Major: Come.
[he and his men march into Klink's office]

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [siren] Hold it. We got company. Two goons from the Cafe.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Hey, they're stopping right here.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Uh-Huh.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: The Gestapo!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well it ain't Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

[last lines]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Now, Klink, I'm going to try and be calm about this. I want you to tell me in your own words exactly how did the radio detector truck get put out of action?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Major Hochstetter, you won't believe this.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: TRY ME!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: It was a million-to-one shot that the candles would have hit the truck.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What candles?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The candles from the birthday cake.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Birthday cake? IN THE MIDDLE OF WORLD WAR II YOU GIVE YOURSELF A BIRTHDAY PARTY?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, no. It wasn't for me.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: The party was for me, sir.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: YOU GIVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A PRISONER?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, no, no. My men gave it to me. I'm sorry you missed it, Major, it was a great party. I saved you some cake.
[Hogan pulls out two pieces of cake from behind his back]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, thank you, Hogan. Thank you.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink. You are succeeding in doing, by yourself, WHAT MILLIONS OF ENEMY SOLDIERS ARE UNABLE TO DO: BRING THE THIRD REICH TO ITS KNEES!
[walks towards door, gives his classical]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: BAH!
[slams door shut]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Party pooper.
[Hogan and Klink then eat their pieces of cake]

Col. Klink: General Burkhalter just left here.
Col. Hogan: Oh, the Russian front?
Col. Klink: Worse, much worse. He wants me to marry his niece.
Col. Hogan: That's bad?
Col. Klink: Did you hear what I said? Burkhalter's niece!
Col. Hogan: Did you ever stop to think she might be a beauty?
Col. Klink: Ha, more likely she looks like Burkhalter.

Major: Hogan, let me tell you something. Hitler is trying to conquer the world. If he fails, it will be on account of bubble-headed fools like your Col. Klink.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Thought you said you didn't know him.

Col. Hogan: He always stops at Gretchen Adler's Hoffbrau for a glass of beer, a pinch of salt, and a pinch of barmaid.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah-ah! There is not enough dinner for two. Ah, heh-heh.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, that's okay with me. The same man that made the coffee may have made that dinner.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah! Uh, Hogan - oh, my manners - won't you, uh, join me for dinner?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, I'd rather not. When I eat dinner, I like to know I'll be around for breakfast.

Col. Hogan: Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?
Carter: Reversable tie pins. On one side it says 'Heil Hitler,' and on the other, 'I was in Switzerland during the war.'

Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Colonel, there's no such things as an interlocking granistan joint.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why didn't you tell me that before? You know I hate to lie to the Germans.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: The last piece of mail. Woolen socks from your Aunt Alice, hand-knit.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: S'matter, Schultz, didn't they fit?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, heh-heh-heh, they fit all right but, uh, red, vhite and blue are not my colors.

Col. Hogan: But you might defect.
Count: You could get me out of Germany?
Col. Hogan: It's possible.
Count: But I would be branded. They would consider me the lead of the spy ring I was sent to catch. They would take vengeance on my wife.
Marya: You love her that much, Waffie?
Count: I will defect.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Two shots muffled. They've killed themselves. Come on, let's go.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [from behind a barrel] Col. Hogan, if they are dead, what is the hurry?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, you're a coward! Now, you go first!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Carter's attempts to manufacture explosives destroys one of the tunnels] We still gotta figure a way to make more ammunition.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, I'm still willing to try, Colonel.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Whose side are you on?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [referring to some shell casings he stole from Schultz] If we have about 500 of these, they'd make a lovely bomb.
[hands Colonel Hogan a shell casing]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hey, Newkirk, where'd you get these?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Schultz's cartridge case. I pinched them off while I was giving him that old jolly up.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why not?
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Why not what, Colonel?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Blow up the Adolf Hitler Bridge with their own ammunition. It's a nice touch.
[gives Newkirk the shell casing back]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Here.
[pulls down a map of the underground tunnels beneath their barracks]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: All right, fellas, look here. This is where the krauts keep their ammunition in the ammunition room, right? Now, we dig a right angle turn in Tunnel Number 3, and we surface in the middle of all that beautiful gunpowder.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: It's marvelous.
LeBeau: That's great.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Wait a minute. Hold it, fellas. Before you get too happy, I got some bad news. That last explosion collapsed about 50 feet of Tunnel 3.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Oh, that's the clincher. The way the krauts are watching us, it'll take us a month to clear that 50 feet.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Newkirk, can you pick a lock?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I find that question, sir, 'ighly insulting.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sorry, old bean, I should have known. Gentlemen, I think we're in business. LeBeau, we can use all the paint you have leftover from that sign job and a couple of paintbrushes, too.
LeBeau: Okay, what for?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Tonight, we're going to paint Klink into a corner.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Schultz we're in Paris you're a General half smashed on good wine. What more do you want?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I want the truth! That's what I want! The truth!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What is the truth Schultz as you see it?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I see nothing, I know nothing.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [after being made a joke] Klink, you are the Kommandant here. Do you allow this sort of thing?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The men responsible for this will be confined to barracks for two weeks.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's cruel and inhuman punishment.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink, a German officer has been insulted.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: All potato rations are cut in half for ten days.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's a terrible thing to do.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Do you consider this adequate punishment, Kom-man-dant?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The Ping-Pong tournament is canceled.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now, that's the worst blow of all.

Colonel: You seem to have a very efficient operation here, Klink.
Col. Klink: Danke dir, Colonel. I have worked very hard to make Stalag 13 the toughest POW camp in all of Germany. And believe me, it's not easy. My burdens have been heavy. Problems, sleepless nights...
Kinchloe: [listening in on the conversation in the barracks, sarcastically] Nice snow job.
Col. Hogan: Snow job? It's a blizzard.
Col. Klink: When I was transferred here, I was with the 410th Bomber Group.
Colonel: Yes, I know.
Col. Klink: Ah, here, let me show you a picture of my old outfit.
[takes a picture down from his wall and shows it to Colonel Bessler]
Col. Klink: And there we are. That's me in the middle.
Colonel: Oh, real comrades, all of you. I can see that.
Col. Klink: Yeah, yeah. Ah, I was sad at the thought of being grounded, but, uh, as I said, "Beauty to the hottest. The Fuhrer commands. I serve."
Colonel: You prefer combat assignment, then?
Col. Klink: [clears his throat] My dear Colonel, when I was with the 410th, they called me "The Iron Eagle".
Colonel: Oh.
Col. Klink: Ah, yes. The Iron Eagle. Up there in the wild blue yonder. At the control of my plane, zooming through the enemy. Of course, uh, now the Iron Eagle flies at somewhat lower altitudes.
Colonel: I'm very glad you feel the way you do. Actually, I'm here on what you might call a recruiting mission for the Russian Front. We need manpower.
Col. Hogan: Watch out, Klink. He's setting you up.
Col. Klink: Colonel Bessler, I should be very happy to transfer any of my men that you may need, but, uh, I'm afraid they're not all front-line quality like myself.
Col. Hogan: It's not them he wants, dummy, it's you!
Kinchloe: Lay him up, will you?
Colonel: Colonel, the Russian Front needs officers. Experienced leaders.
Col. Klink: I understand, sir. How I wish I could go. I'd show those Russkis a thing or two.
Colonel: You can go, Colonel.
Col. Klink: I've got a few tricks up my sleeve. I... I can go?
Col. Hogan: Tell me when it's over.
Colonel: We need you.
Col. Klink: Well, uh, frankly, my flying tricks are a little out of date.
Colonel: They'll soon brief you in the newer techniques. Now, a flight surgeon will be sent here next week to give you your physical examination.
Col. Klink: I haven't been too well lately.
Colonel: If you pass, and you're fit, off you go!
Col. Klink: But what about my work here at Stalag 13?
Colonel: No problem. They'll assign another officer. Congratulations, Colonel. Your request for combat duty is very commendable.
Col. Klink: My request?

[Klink asks Hogan for advice on avoiding marital entanglements to Burkhalter's sister]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Tell ya what'cha gotta do. Give her the old soldier routine - you may be sent off to battle any minute, your life is not your own, it's not fair to the little woman... You know.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Excellent! Excellent! Wait, she knows that I am permanently stationed at Stalag 13.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Easy. Tell her you're involved in a plot against Hitler.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Shh! Shh! I'm not, I'm not. That would be sure death. Why would *I* say such a thing?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You might figure it was worth it. Have fun, Kommandant.

Col. Hogan: [Knocking over a trash barrel, which makes a lot of noise] What do you have to do to have an unsuccessful escape?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [there's a knock at his office door] Come in.
[Colonel Hogan enters]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah, Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hogan, this is Major Kuehn. He is temporarily second... He's second in command.
Major: I am the new executive officer. And you are the famous Colonel Hogan, whose men have unable to escape in 293 attempts.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: 291. Don't give me credit for the two guards.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: We cover that.
Major: Colonel Hogan, I want to warn you. If anything should happen to Colonel Klink...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Happen?
Major: An accident. Or a replacement in the noble course of military routine. At any rate, Colonel Hogan, if anything should happen to Colonel Klink, you will find yourself against an even more iron-willed adversary.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Impossible!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Uh, who might that be?
Major: Myself, Colonel. I will show you the kind of men you will be dealing with. Beginning tonight, I took the liberty of doubling the guards outside the perimeter.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, just a minute!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: If there haven't been any escapes, why double the guards?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, why?
Major: To put an end to those attempts.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, see here, Major. May I remind you that *I* am the kommandant here, and as such, *I* make the decisions?
Major: Very interesting. I must remember to mention it to my dear Uncle Karl when I write him.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uncle Karl?
Major: Yes, uh, Field Marshal Karl Von Streicher of the General Staff. His specialty is military protocol. Have you read his book on the chain of command?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: No.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I have. Not a laugh in the book. Well, look, I've gotta be moving along. You probably want to get started on a letter to your dear Uncle Karl.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Just a minute! As I said, I make the decisions here, and I have decided to tighten security by doubling the guard around the perimeter.
Major: Very wise, Colonel. Perhaps the letter to my uncle can wait. Good day, Colonel Hogan.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Incredible! I always come up with an idea, don't I?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sometimes your brilliance is dazzling.

Col. Klink: Well, Colonel Hogan, we are off to a glorious adventure.
Col. Hogan: Don't you stand at attention when you address a superior officer?

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: [skims through a collection of maps and finds Pittsburgh] Pittsburgh? We had guys escape to Pittsburgh?
Hogan: Not "to" - "from".

Sgt. Schultz: Have the beer and cheese sent outside.
Col. Hogan: Outside?
Sgt. Schultz: That way it's easier to see NOTHING.

[a German truck flies by]
Hogan: There's never a cop when you need one

Col. Hogan: Hi Schultz.
Sgt. Schultz: Colonel Hogan! You too? And wearing an officer's uniform?
Col. Hogan: Achtung!
[Schultz snaps to attention]
Sgt. Schultz: Please do not do that.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Tell me, what is it you would like most in this world?
Col. Hogan: Hmm... let me think.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You can't make up your mind?
Col. Hogan: I know what I want. It's a question of blonde or brunette.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Be it ever so humble, there is no place like... STALAG 13.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Klink and Hogan enter Freitag's room] I can't tell you what an honour it is to have the opportunity...
Herman Freitag: [completely ignoring Klink] Colonel Hogan, I've heard so much about you, I feel I've known you a long time.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You've heard of me? I haven't really done anything.
Herman Freitag: Your modesty does you credit. But sometimes the best-kept secrets leak out. You know what I mean?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I suppose you're talking about the bombing mission I flew against your secret submarine base in Bremen?
Herman Freitag: Oh, was that you?
[laughs uncomfortably]
Herman Freitag: Yeah, we lost eight submarines in that raid.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I believe it was nine, but who's counting?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [laughing] That reminds me of a marvellously funny story about a sailor who hadn't seen his wife...
Herman Freitag: [again ignoring Klink] Actually, I'm an admirer of what you've been doing more recently.
[pauses briefly]
Herman Freitag: Oh, I'm sorry. Colonel Hogan, this is Ilse Praeger. Deputy Gruppenfuhrer Mannheim.
[Mannheim steps forward, Freitag addresses Colonel Klink]
Herman Freitag: What is your name?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Klink, sir. Wilhelm Klink.
Herman Freitag: Yes. Mannheim, why don't you see if my uniforms are back from the tailor? And take Colonel Kink with you.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Klink.
Herman Freitag: Whatever you say.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: I'm being trapped into a marriage.
Col. Hogan: Oh, little blonde waitress at the hofbrau?
Col. Hogan: No.
Col. Hogan: Tall brunette manicurist at the hotel?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: No.
Col. Hogan: Give me a hint.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: She's short and squat.
Col. Hogan: Burkhalter's sister, Gertrude.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Right.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: By the way, did Schultz tell you a man came down to the office today?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes. Who was it?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Very suspicious character. He might very well be our man. Said he was from the Gestapo.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Why should that be suspicious?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Because he was a pleasant, likable guy.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You're right. There's no one in the Gestapo that fits THAT description.

Kinchloe: [after Schultz left after telling Hogan that Klink wants to see him] You're not still going, are you, Colonel?
Col. Hogan: That's the plan, isn't it?
Kinchloe: You know Klink. If you don't come to him, he'll come to you.
Col. Hogan: I know. Corporal Newkirk?
Newkirk: Sir?
Col. Hogan: As of now, you're a Colonel.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Everyone in my family lived to be at least eighty. It's a tradition.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: So you break tradition.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: But I LOVE tradition!

Col. Hogan: One little detail I forgot to mention.
Newkirk: It's a million dollars plus 10 cents a mile?

General: Uh, Klink, you HAVE, uh, planned a big celebration for tonight, haven't you?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: D'uh, celebration, yeah, uh, uh, uh... a celebre... a-a-a celebration?
General: For such an important birthday?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: A, b-birthday. Oh! Ah-ha-ha. Yes, of course! We've been preparing for months, Herr General. Uh... the Führer's birthday?
General: No, Klink. Colonel Hogan's
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [rather surprised] It IS my birthday.
General: [smiling] Yeah.

Carter: More champagne, Colonel?
Col. Hogan: No thanks. I'm driving.
Col. Klink: Hmm?
Col. Hogan: The escape car.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [whispers to Kinch] Water the paint. We need more time.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're having a dream, dream, dream.
Sgt. Schultz: I see men with boxes over my bed.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's part of the dream, dream, dream.

Col. Hogan: Now that we've lost our explosives, the only chance we have to stall those panzer divisions is to do a lousy job of clearing that pass.
Newkirk: Well, if you don't mind me saying so, sir, you couldn't pick a better group to do a lousy job.

Col. Hogan: There better be some changes around here, I warn you, or I'm going to organize a hunger strike.
Newkirk: I thought we were on one.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: We've got to keep it cool in here. LeBeau is making ice box cookies.
Sgt. Schultz: Ice box cookies? Are they good?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They're dynamite.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Kommandant? Tonight you make them forget all about Peter Pan.

[first lines]
British: [Col. Hogan enters his office] Hogan.
[closes the door to his office]
British: Bit of a dirty trick flying into London for an hour, being a free man, and then dropping you back at Stalag 13.
Col. Hogan: Breaks up the day, sir.
British: [laughs] You're a good man.
[pulls down a map]
British: Guess what this is.
Col. Hogan: D-Day, sir?
British: D-Day, and forget you saw it.
[rolls the map back up]
British: Now, I can't tell you the exact date, but I can tell you this much: You have to be clear on the highest level of intelligence- the old man himself. But, the date will be soon.
Col. Hogan: It's been a long time coming, sir.
British: A long time. And we don't want any mistakes- not on our part.
Col. Hogan: Yes, sir.
British: Of course, we could use a few mistakes form Jerry. And that's why you're here, Hogan. Have a drink?
Col. Hogan: No thanks, sir.
British: Well, don't mind if I do. Now, the German General Staff knows something is up. They're meeting tomorrow to pend a strategy- *that* we know for a fact.
Col. Hogan: Very good intelligence, sir.
British: And we know more. Our bombers have pounded just about every spot in Germany they've used for a meeting place. So they're going where they don't think we'll follow them- Stalag 13.
Col. Hogan: You're gonna bomb us?
British: [nods] It's been brought up. And we check it. Which is where you come in, Hogan. Sit down.
[Col. Hogan walks to the chair in front of his desk and sits down]
British: Hogan, you have quite a reputation for the offbeat, the bizarre, and for bringing it off.
Col. Hogan: I have a good crew, sir.
British: You're going to need them. Now, sometime in the next very few days, the greatest Amphibious force in history is going to hit the coast of France. When it does, we need desperately some indecision from the Germans before they react. Hogan, we want nothing less from you than to tie up the German General Staff. Can you do it?
Col. Hogan: I must say, sir, it's quite a challenge.
British: That's good enough. The means, we leave up to you.
Col. Hogan: Thank you, sir.
British: Oh, and one more thing. Our informant will also be at Stalag 13. She's the wife of General von Scheider- German Chief of Staff.
Col. Hogan: That's a pretty good informant.
British: Well, yes and no. You see, we founded her years ago before she married von Scheider. And after that, we lost contact with her, deliberately. Too risky. And now, there's no reason to hold back. This is it. Use her if you can, Hogan. But remember, she has been away for almost a long time. Don't trust her completely unless you have to.
Col. Hogan: Yes, sir.
British: [opens his office door] Good luck, Hogan.
Col. Hogan: Thanks.
[they salute]
British: Carry on.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, I know, YOU ask the questions.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, I'll ask the questions. Right, Cononel?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Of course. Now, what was the question?

Herr: [opening the door to his apartment] Herr Strasser.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Heii Hitler. This is my partner, Johann Cater, very good friend of the fatherland. He's been most helpful.
Herr: Come in, please. These are my key people, Fraulein Kissinger, and Herr Schneer.
[Schneer salutes]
Herr: This, of course, Herr Strasser, and Herr Carter.
[Hogan and Carter salute]
Herr: Now you say you have new about the new Allied offensive.
Herr: One moment, Herr Mayerink. I have followed your career in great detail, Herr Strasser.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's very flattering.
Herr: I even recall that you once had a hunting accident. Lost the tip of a thumb, I believe. Which thumb was that, Herr Strasser? The right, or the left? Well, Herr Strasser?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You have an excellent memory, Herr Schneer, excellent. But thanks to some fine German surgery, you can't really tell which, can you?
[takes his hands out of his pocket and holds up both his thumbs]
Herr: Now, you say the enemy is planning to attack.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yes. Wednesday evening through the south sector.
[gives Mayerink a piece of paper]
Herr: We have not observed any visual activity in the south.
Herr: Doesn't seem possible. Are you quite sure?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Would I have taken this extreme method of getting through if I wasn't absolutely certain?
Herr: Still...
Herr: I think we can assume Herr Strasser's information is correct. He has a very high source.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Incidentally, about my contact...
Herr: If you'll excuse me, it is urgent that I order our forces to move south immediately. Enjoy our refreshments.
[leaves]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: At last, we meet, Fraulein.
[kisses her hand and looks at her ring]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hmm. Exquisite. Might I examine it under the light?
Fraulein: Certainly.
[they walk over to the lamp, Carter is sitting nearby]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hmm. Very unusual. It's an Amsterdam cut. Have you examined the stone, Herr Schneer?
Herr: Uh, not in any detail.
[Kissinger walks over to Schneer to have him examine the ring. Schneer takes out his glasses]
Fraulein: Oh, you really must see it under the light.
Herr: [as he examines, Carter takes pictures of the ring with a hidden camera in his coat] Yes, it could be Amsterdam or possibly...
Herr: [returns] We have six divisions moving south, thanks to your excellent report.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Danke Dir.
Herr: Now, we have a little surprise for you.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh?
Herr: The double agent Fraulein Wessler, she is here in this hotel.
[gives Colonel Hogan a set of hotel keys]
Herr: I know you two are very close. So, take a few minutes. You have earned it. She says you are the one man she could never forget.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Herr Mayerink, I don't what to say. You're too kind.
Herr: We are in a harsh service, but we, too are human. Go.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's too good to be true.
[walks towards the door to leave, but stops]
Herr: What is it?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I can't do it. I made a pledge that I would not seek my happiness as long as our gallant men were still fighting. That not until der Fuhrer was sitting victoriously in the White House. Only then, will I look in Fraulein Wessler's eyes again.
[gives the keys back to Mayerink]
Herr: I understand.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yes, well, I must be going. They've arranged my escape. I must get back to London and my duty.
Herr: You've done an excellent job.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: One more thing. Herr Schneer seems uncertain. He probably would like to know who my contact in London is. Perhaps you could explain it to him.
Herr: I'd be glad to. Herr Strausser's contact in Allied Headquarters is... is so high-placed, that his identity cannot be divulged. I do not know myself. And Herr Strasser can reveal this information to no one. Except in the presence of Herr Kappleman himself in Berlin. These are orders, Herr Schneer. I'm sorry.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: What are you waiting for? Cut the wire.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's the problem. One of these wires disconnects the fuse, the other one fires the bomb. Which one would you cut, Shultz?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Don't ask me, this is a decision for an officer.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: All right. Which wire, Colonel Klink?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: This one.
[points to the white wire]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're sure?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Cuts the black wire, the bomb stops ticking]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: If you knew which wire it was, why did you ask me?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I wasn't sure which was the right one, but I was certain you'd pick the wrong one.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, I will ask the questions!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Yes, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well, what?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, I said I'll ask the questions.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [entering] You sent for me, Colonel?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: HE will ask the questions.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I'm not interested in questions. What I want are some answers.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Answers for what?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just a minute. I'll ask the questions.

Col. Hogan: And they say dogs are loyal.

Sgt. Andrew Carter: I talk too much?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You talk too much.

Colonel: How will I know this Vanetti?
Col. Hogan: You know me. You know Klink. He will be the one you don't know.

Col. Hogan: Now, who is going to step forward and take this job - Thank You, LeBeau.
LeBeau: I didn't Move A Muscle.
Col. Hogan: You're that Volunteer Look.
LeBeau: That's how I got Married - volunteer the same way.

[Hogan has ordered Newkirk to fake a toothache]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [looks in Newkirk's mouth] Aha! Mouth stuffed with cotton wool!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [indignantly] That's to keep the tooth warm!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Where's Schultz?
Kinchloe: Sacking out in my bunk.
LeBeau: Sleeping off his lunch.
Carter: I wonder what he's dreaming about?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: His dinner.

Field: Tell me, your aunt, is she still, uh...?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Mmm, yes, yes. She... is. She certainly is.
Field: And her son, ve wild one, did he ever...?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Do, d'oh, never! Never!
Field: So-so-so. And then ve girl, she is still...?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yes, um... afraid she is.
Field: Too bad. Too bad.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Certainly is nice discussing old family gossip like this.

[an explosion]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What was that?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sounded like a staff car blowing up.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: A staff car?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah.
[second explosion heard]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Coincidence! Another staff car!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, you knew they were going top blow up.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Of course. Von Kattenhorn and Feldkamp double-crossed each other.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Did you expect ME to believe that?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, sir, but it's gonna look a lot neater on your report to Berlin.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hm. Schultz? Schultz!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I believe it, Herr Kommandant! I believe it!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: If Berlin knew one tenth of what I had to put up with. Just one TENTH!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yep. Rough war, sir.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Big doin's upstairs, Colonel. Feldkamp has surrounded the camp with an S.S. battalion to get his car back; von Kattenhorn just finished calling for an infantry regiment to fight the S.S.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [very pleased] That's beautiful. Beautiful!
Greta: You mean they're gonna fight a battle among themselves?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I'd LOVE it. Unfortunately, some of US might get shot.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Maybe the Major didn't mean it when he said 'heads will roll.' I mean, how do you roll a *head*?

Col. Hogan: My high school French tells me you just got her name and phone number.
LeBeau: We French people always mix a little business with pleasure.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sweetest set-up in the whole German army, and you wanted to be a general!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, every man in my class has made general.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: How many of them killed in action.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Quite a few.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: How many of them shot by the Führer?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Quite a few more.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And you couldn't be happy.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Psst. Schultz.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Halt! Who goes there?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oliver Twist.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You will all stay away from that rocket. Did you hear me? What is going on there? Back, back, all of you. Back!
General: Who are you?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Major Hochstetter, Herr General, in charge of security here, and you're all much too close to this rocket.
General: My dear Major, there is no danger of it firing...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Firing? Who's worried about firing? I'm worried about spying.
General: Are you aware that I am in charge of this project, and that this is the inventor?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [Zagoskin hands him his notebook] Until I clear you, you will please stop inventing.
[points at Marya]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Who is that woman?
General: She is my interpreter, Hochstetter.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, Major Hochstetter. And I believe a full corporal.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What is this bungler doing here?
General: Responsible for the security of our witness.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: *I am responsible for security here!* What witness?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hi there.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What is this man doing here?
General: Hochstetter, I am in charge of this project. And I am operating *under direct authority of the German General Staff*.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Traitors, all of them. What is this man doing here?
General: I *am in charge of security*...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: *What is this man doing here?*
General: He is our witness.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Witness? You have chosen the most dangerous man in all of Germany as a witness. The Gestapo is taking over. I will surround this camp with a ring of steel. Anyone within a hundred yards of this rocket will be shot and reshot.

Colonel: When I looked out the window I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Hogan: Well if it makes you feel any better, sir, there IS a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Colonel: WHAT?

Sgt. Schultz: Oh boy am I in trouble! When I send my wife only half the money she usually gets, oh boy!
Col. Hogan: Straighten it out when you go home on leave.
Sgt. Schultz: She'll straighten me out.
Col. Hogan: Then don't go home.
Sgt. Schultz: She'll come and get me.

Col. Hogan: Do you know what that sound is? That's a Bronx cheer.
Col. Klink: It is?
Col. Hogan: It's a sign of respect and admiration. You should be very proud.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [discussing the Crittendon Plan] All I can say, Crittendon, is it better be good.
Colonel: Good? It's superb. Imagine the morale boost to those young flying chaps, setting down in dear old England between a carpet of crimson geraniums.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Geraniums?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Geraniums?
Colonel: Straight from the horror of war. Like coming home to mother's cottage. Tremendous psychological factor there, chaps.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's The Crittendon Plan?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Temper, TEMPER, Colonel. Your men can paint out those words in a couple hours.
Colonel: MY men? YOUR men! They will paint this entire building at once, THEN we'll talk about punishment. Schultz!
Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommendant.
Colonel: Issue paints and brushes to these assassins at once.
Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommendant!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now, wait a minute, Colonel, I protest! Prisoners of war are not required to do this kind of work.
[to Schultz]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll need a tarp, a big one.
[back to Klink]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And besides that, it's against all the rules of civilized warfare!
[to Schultz]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Need a couple ladders, tall.
Schultz: Jawohl!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [back to Klink] Not only...
Colonel: [stamping his foot twice] Another word out of you, Hogan, and your men will be painting this building for the entire war - in chains!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [trying to persuade Col. Klink to call General Burkhalter] Why don't you give him a call, sir it means so much to him.
Colonel: I will thank him the next time I see him, huh? How about "Lili Marlene"!
[everyone except Hogan continues to shout and sing]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Call the general... Call the general, sir. Nothing says you like your voice. Please!
Colonel: Why do you keep looking at the time, Hogan?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: The call sir, it's after 7:00 you get the night rate. Please.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: What would you say is the one thing that made the Blue Baron the greatest fighter pilot in World War One?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Me!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I taught him everything he knew about flying. That's why I was known to my classmates as 'The Eagle'.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Because you could fly or because you were bald?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Just by chance - by chance, mind you - does the name "Michaels" ring a bell with you?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Michaels? Michaels. Yes. Yes it does. Yes it does.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: It does?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah. I knew this English girl, Diane Michaels. A beauty. Peaches and cream complexion.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That is not the Michaels I had in mind. This one has a mustache.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, we're talking about two different girls.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, what is it you want?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Whatever you're drinking.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan!

[spying on the equipment guarded closely by German soldiers]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Ahhh. That *is* bigger than a piano. It's even bigger than a breadbox!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Call me as a witness.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Why? You don't know anything about this.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's right, but my mind won't be cluttered with a lot of facts.

Col. Hogan: [Strasser opens the door to his apartment] You sent for a plumber?
Ludwig: No, you made a mistake.
[attempts to close the door on Colonel Hogan, but he bursts in]
Col. Hogan: No, Herr Strasser. No mistake.
Ludwig: Who are you?
Col. Hogan: There are no penguins in Gibraltar.
Ludwig: There are no Canaries in the Canary Islands.
Col. Hogan: Blue is the most attractive color.
Ludwig: White is more suitable for brides.
Col. Hogan: That's why there are so many June weddings.
Ludwig: Good. Give me the money.
Col. Hogan: Not so fast. What about the map?
Ludwig: Oh, I've got it. You'll get it when you give me the money.
Col. Hogan: There's a little problem.
Ludwig: Problem? You don't have 100 thousand marks?
Col. Hogan: Not exactly.
Ludwig: Exactly how much do you have?
Col. Hogan: Nothing. But we'll get you the money in a few days. If you give me the map now.
Ludwig: In the spy business, there are no credit accounts.
Col. Hogan: Doesn't it mean anything to you that you may be saving a lot of lives?
Ludwig: Oh, that's another thing about the spy business. The only thing we're interested in saving is money.
Col. Hogan: You know, that big heart of yours is gonna swell right up and choke you to death.
Ludwig: In case you have any foolish ideas, the map isn't here. But I can lay my hands on it in five minutes. When I need it.
Col. Hogan: Thanks. You saved both of us a little trouble. I'll see what I can do about getting the money.
Ludwig: Oh, and, um, while you're here...
Col. Hogan: Yes?
Ludwig: Could you do something about a dripping faucet?
Col. Hogan: That's another thing about the spy business. We don't do anything that drips.
[walks out the door and closes it behind him]

Col. Hogan: [raising his glass of wine] To your health.
Colonel: [raises his glass of wine] No, to... to your health.
[they drink]
Colonel: Mmm. Now, this an excellent wine.
Col. Hogan: How are things in downtown Siberia?
Colonel: Not like this. We don't serve wine.
Col. Hogan: If you served it at room temperature, you'd wind up with a Beaujolais popsicle.
Colonel: [laughs] When I punish a prisoner, I don't send him to the cooler, I send him to my quarters.
Col. Hogan: It's a shame you don't have Colonel Klink's setup; he'd turn down a transfer to the Riviera.
Colonel: I understand you have a rather good situation yourself.
Col. Hogan: *Me*? Just a country boy sweating out the war.
Colonel: You're too modest, Colonel. From your Gestapo dossier, I would say that you run the camp, and Klink is your prisoner.
Col. Hogan: Those boys at Gestapo headquarters are much too kind.
Colonel: You could be of great help to me.
Col. Hogan: In what way?
Colonel: I would like to transfer from the Russian Front to Stalag 13.
Col. Hogan: [sighs] German personnel assignments are little out of my line.
Colonel: Think about it. I might make it worth your while.

Hogan: You see, sir, today is one of our national holidays - repeal of prohibition.

Col. Hogan: I have an arrangement with the management. I don't escape and they don't shoot me.

Sgt. Andrew Carter: [wheeling in a new bomb] It's a modification of the German design, but I think I've made a few improvements.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Three more of these things ready by tomorrow night?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Oh, sure. Uh, Colonel, there's no way I can be around when they go off?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, Carter.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Yeah, okay.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [to Lt. Karras] I-i-it's kind of like sendin' your own child off to war without ya.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [coaxed into reading Göring's propaganda speech] "Former members of a second-rate air force..." You don't want to hear it.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yes, we do, Schultz. We'd like to hear the speech. Right, fellas?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Sure. Let's hear the speech. Speech! Speech!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: "Why are you continuing to rot in our escape-proof prisons?" Figure of speech.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sure, sure.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Eh, "Face the fact that your side is losing the war."
Sgt. Andrew Carter: WE'RE losing?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Somebody's losing it. That's the important point. Eh, "Why not put your training to a useful purpose? Help the Luftwaffe shape the society of the future in the skies of Europe. We offer you a chance to get in on the ground floor and become a part of the glorious history of the thousand-year Reich!"

Col. Hogan: [Hogan reading from card with flowers] To the heavens we all shout 'Get well quick' to our favorite Kraut.

Sgt. Schultz: I think he wants to talk to you about his new secretary.
LeBeau: He has a new secretary?
Sgt. Schultz: General Burkhalter got her.
Col. Hogan: What does she look like, Schultz?
Sgt. Schultz: General Burkhalter. It's his sister.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [spots Alfie sitting at the table] What do think I am nuts or something? Who is that Grandpa?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just another one of the prisoners, captured like the rest of us.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Who captured him... the Kaiser?

Newkirk: Returned from scout mission, sir!
Col. Hogan: Did you see where the codebook was?
Newkirk: Nothing escaped these eagle eyes, sir. It was on old Klink's desk.
LeBeau: You would think he put it in a real hiding place.
Col. Hogan: Why should he? As far as he knows, it's just a book on personal hygiene. All right, you men know what to do. Battle stations.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: They've given us tough assignments before and we've always been able to think of a way to get them done. They probably just assume we gonna do it the same way with this little problem. Well five men can not hold off a division.
Kinch,200397: Right
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's ridiculous!
Kinch,200397: Right
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It just can't be done!
Kinch,200397: Right
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And here's how we're going to do it...

Col. Robert E. Hogan: I won't order Kinch to fight Bruno. I can't... but, well, if he doesn't accept the challenge, I'd just hate the idea of commanding Hogan's Cowards.

Col. Hogan: Pyromaniacs are so sensitive.

Schultz: They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad.
Colonel: Hah! They'll never get any volunteers from my men!
Schultz: I beg to report, Herr Kommandant, they did.
Colonel: *looks like he doesn't believe it* How many volunteered?
Schultz: Seventy-six.
Hogan: *looks surprised* How many men do you have?
Schultz: Eighty-two.
Colonel: *looks defiant* At least six of my men are loyal!
Schultz: *Resists a smile* No, Herr Kommandant. Two are in the hospital, and four are on furlough.
Hogan: Well, that makes it unanimous.
Colonel: Wait a minute, wait a minute. We only have eighty men!
Schultz: Counting the two deserters, but they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Newkirk?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, sir.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We need Wehrmacht uniforms for everybody.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: How much time do I have, sir?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You have three minutes.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I think I can just make it.

Sgt. Schultz: Colonel Hogan, please! There are 16. We are supposed to have only 15.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's just like income tax, Schultz. If the mistake is in your favor, keep quiet.

Hogan: [Hogan and Newkirk pose as German officers in a Nazi building] Take this man's name down, have him transferred to the Russian front!
Newkirk: Jawohl, Herr General! Heil Hitler!
Germans: [frantically] Heil Hitler!
Officer: [approaches Hogan] Might I assist you?
Hogan: [pointing at officer] This man is to be court martialed and *shot!*
Officer: But Herr General, I've not even greeted you yet!
Hogan: That's why! You're too slow!

Col. Hogan: Thanks a lot, Fritzi, you've been a big help. Heil Hitler.
[Fritzi starts barking angrily and bares his teeth]
Col. Hogan: Are you sure he's a German shepherd?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: What's happening? What was that explosion?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Nothing, Colonel. Just another "accident."

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [talking about the show for Klink] All right, now, the main thing is to keep them entertained till the job is done. We don't want our audience walking out on us.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: I will personally hold them spellbound with my repertoire of songs, dances and snappy patters.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I can hardly wait.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: That's rather remarkable. Wouldn't you say so?
Col. Hogan: Yeah, I'd say so, but would the man with the say so say so?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [reading Schultz' post] "Attention! Allied prisoners - for fun, fame, and fortune, join the illustrious Luftwaffe?"

Carter: We gonna blow it up?
Col. Hogan: It's nice to know what something is before you destroy it, Carter.
Carter: Why?
Col. Hogan: Well, I mean, after the war you can tell your children we blew up a this or a that.
Carter: Children? I'm not even married.
Col. Hogan: Don't worry, Carter. Somewhere there's a wife - even for you.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Klink and his monicle are still fighting World War I.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: The execution takes place tomorrow as scheduled.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And then Wagner's brother shoots Colonel Klink. Now come on General think of how long you've know Colonel Klink. Think of the things you two have been through together.
General: If I do, I'm liable to shoot him myself.

Col. Hogan: Tell your men not to follow too close behind me.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: They'll stay just within machine gun range.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Whoever stole Newkirk's watch, forget it. He stole it back.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Col. Hogan, you MUST tell me what iss going to happen!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sorry, Schultz, can't help you.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Hmm, I don't believe you. Somehow or other, I don't know how - this is a matter I do not want to inquire into - but somehow you always know.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What's it to you, Schultz? You're a soldier. If they close down Stalag 13, you sling you pack over your shoulder and go fight Russians.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Col. Hogan, I'm a married man with five children. I can not afford to fight ANYBODY!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, I am very impressed by your attitude. You're being very helpful.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Thank you sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: As a matter of fact, I would be even more impressed *if the whole thing were not a lie*!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Are you going to need any special equipment?
Alf the Artist: [patting his leather bag] Oh, a good surgeon is always ready to operate and remove things...

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [hearing a British news broadcast somewhere in the barracks] Where does that voice come from?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: From the accent I'd say England.

Col. Klink: You have made a fool of me in front of my own command. Are you satisfied.
Col. Hogan: Yes, I'm satisfied. Carter, are you satisfied?
Carter: Yes, I'm satisfied. Schultz, are you satisfied?
Sgt. Schultz: Yes, I'm satisfied.
[Looking towards Klink]
Sgt. Schultz: Are you satisfied?
Col. Klink: Yes, I'm... .
[lets out a frustrated grunt]

Kinchloe: The next sound you hear should be very loud.
[Explosion, of the munitions dump]
Col. Hogan: Another day, another munitions dump.
LeBeau: And we got Newkirk back.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: This man is a spy.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: How can you say that? You found nothing on him that was suspicious.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That in itself is suspicious.

Col. Hogan: A deal's a deal, Schultz.
Sgt. Schultz: But a wife is a wife.
Col. Hogan: You didn't have to marry her.
Sgt. Schultz: Now you give me advice. Where were you when I needed you?

Col. Hogan: You're all set, Doctor. Papers, money, you'll get through to England all right.
Doctor: Yeah. Yeah, I will get through to England. I'm only sorry that you had to sacrifice a man for me.
Col. Hogan: Crittendon? We didn't sacrifice him. We made sure the guards had blanks in their guns.
Doctor: Good.
Col. Hogan: He may make it through, but I doubt it. Just doesn't have a talent for escaping.
[checks his watch]
Col. Hogan: Well, it's almost time. Klink will be back. Want to be sure we blow up your lab before he gets here.
Doctor: Well, then I shall say goodbye.
Carter: Dr. Vanetti. Uh, forgive my professional curiosity, sort of, but do you think our side will ever come up with the atomic bomb?
Doctor: I hope not. It would be noisy. Very noisy.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: They want us to keep those SS troops pinned down here for at least two more days.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: We're supposed to keep 10,000 men pinned down? Did they say how we do that?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: There's only one way. We surround them.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: H-how does he get out of a locked cell with an armed guard on the door?
Col. Hogan: Schultz was the guard. All he had to worry about was the locked cell.

Col. Hogan: The driver says it's water, Schultz says it's water, and now Klink says it's water.
Newkirk: What do you think it is, Colonel?
Col. Hogan: With those three men of integrity, I know one thing.
Newkirk: What?
Col. Hogan: It ain't water.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Kommandant, you have had stage experience, haven't you?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Of course, of course.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What was your last part?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Peter Pan.

Major: [in disbelief] You're an American.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Someone around here has to be.

Col. Hogan: Carter, pull over a bit in case the laboratory wants to pass us.

Col. Hogan: If you don't mind me saying so, I think you should get married right away. Like tomorrow.
Col. Klink: Hogan, I'm going to have you shot, and no court martial in the world would convict me.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: When there's an escape, you'll be the first to know. I'll personally call you from London.

Captain: [after Hogan tells him about their operation at Stalag 13] Is Klink in on this?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Are you kidding? Klink and his monocle are still fighting World War 1.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: When you're sick, I'LL give the orders. Right, Schultz?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I thought you are going to ask the questions.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, what do you want, Hogan?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just wanted to give you the overnight reaction of the critics, sir. On the performance.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, they all loved the girl, and the boy. They split about half and half on the mother and father.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: And... me?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sorry, sir. Too German looking.

Captain: [entering Klink's office] Colonel Klink. Heil Hitler.
Col. Klink: Heil Hitler. Uh, please, Captain. Sit down, sit down.
[closes the door to his office]
Col. Klink: Uh, what can I do for you?
Captain: I have been assigned to Gestapo headquarters in Dusseldorf, but I'm living in Hammelberg at the moment. Hauserhof Hotel, room 209.
Col. Klink: Very interesting. But is it important?
Captain: Very.
Newkirk: [listening in from the coffee pot] What's this Captain's game?
LeBeau: Keep quiet, and maybe we'll find out.
Col. Klink: Of course I remember the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer. Could any loyal German ever forget it?
Captain: I don't think you will. The conspirators are still being rounded up. A very important man was recently arrested. I searched his house.
[takes out a picture from his coat pocket]
Captain: Found this picture and the negatives.
Col. Klink: Mm-hmm.
[looks at the picture and sees himself next to the conspirator]
Col. Klink: No, it's not possible!
Col. Hogan: Klink sounds like he swallowed his monocle.
Kinchloe: Must be some picture.
LeBeau: Klink and a woman, maybe?
Col. Hogan: Impossible. Klink's in love with Klink. Wouldn't let anyone come between himself.
Col. Klink: General Mulendorf.
Captain: That's his arm around your shoulders.
Col. Klink: Yes. We were friends.
Captain: Close friends.
[voice turns stern]
Captain: And very possibly associated in the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer.
Col. Klink: [drops the picture] I knew the man. We went to school together for ten years; saw each other every day. But what's that?
Captain: You were also best man at his wedding.
Col. Klink: Oh, well... I had nothing else to do that afternoon.
Captain: Colonel, I have a problem. If turn this picture into Gestapo headquarters, an innocent man may be executed.
Col. Klink: Innocent?
Captain: You.
Col. Klink: Me? I'm not innocent. I mean, I am innocent. What have I done?
Captain: If I destroy the negative, or... give it to you, I won't exactly be doing my duty, will I?
Col. Klink: No. You do have a problem.
Col. Hogan: Klink's beautiful, isn't he?
Kinchloe: Little Alice in Krautland.
Newkirk: How stupid man one man be?
Col. Hogan: Keep listening. He'll tell you.
Col. Klink: And you expect me to pay your hotel bill?
Captain: In addition to say, a thousand marks right now. While I consider the problem.
Col. Klink: Couldn't you consider the problem a little less expensively?
Captain: The life an innocent kommandant is at stake.
Col. Klink: Oh. I'll get the money out of the safe.

[a huge explosion rocks the tunnel]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter? Carter? Are you OK?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Boy, that stuff's really unstable!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: You've got to get that mixture just right.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, I know, I know.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: You gotta expect a few little explosions.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, sure, sure.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Oh, boy, you keep that up, Klink'll be down here in a minute, and there goes the ball game!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I think I have an idea how to explain the noise. Carter, keep working... uh, you do have insurance?

General: Klink, what am I going to do with you?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: General, I have a suggestion.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Next time you guys start a war, make him stay out of it.

Col. Hogan: [after a failed noiseless engine test] By George, I *don't* think he's got it!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: When was the last time you were in combat, sir?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Not recently.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What do you mean, recently?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Not since the war.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: What good are enemies if you can't depend on them?

Col. Wilhelm Klink: What is it, Colonel Hogan? Another complaint?
Col. Hogan: No, sir. I've been thinking about our breaking the rules being up after lights out last night. It was wrong, and we owe you an apology.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: No harm done. Your apology is accepted.
Col. Hogan: No, this is a formal apology. You want to stand out here just a minute, sir?
[opens the office door]
Col. Hogan: Okay, fellas, places.
[all of Colonel Hogan's men enter]
Col. Hogan: Okay. Now...
Col. Hogan,91836: Colonel Klink, we wish to take this opportunity to apologize for not obeying the rules. We are sorry, and promise that it will never happen again. Never. We sincerely hope that you will accept this apology in the spirit in which it is given. Thank you. Thank you very much.
[during this, LeBeau discreetly takes the codebook from Klink's desk]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thank you very much. You were very nice.
Col. Hogan: Okay, fellas, that's it. Let's go. Colonel Klink is busy.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, you should have been there. I danced every dance with her, while Major Hochstetter was sitting there with sauerbraten on his face.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, you could have asked Lily to dance with him at least once.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, you don't understand. The man can't dance.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're kidding.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Confidentially, I've never seen a Gestapo man that could. Oh, they're great goose-steppers, but nothing on the dance floor.

Schultz: The good news is that Colonel Klink is back.
Hogan: What's the bad news?
Schultz: We had to call off the firing squad.

Col. Hogan: I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. I was just captured by her beauty. We walked in the moonlight then and under an edelweiss tree, we stopped. As her face turned toward mine, our eyes met, and then our lips. We shared a magic moment. She swore her undying love just before she called the Gestapo.

Baker: All set at this end.
Col. Hogan: All right, now I'll attach the mike to the other end of the clothes wire, drop it through their back window, and we're in business.
LeBeau: I don't know, Colonel. I don't think it's gonna be all that easy. Those SS men are sharp, and they play rough.
Carter: There's nothing to worry about. Nobody's gonna beat us at our own ballpark.
[Two SS men enter their barracks and throw down some clothes and clothesline/wire, and then leave]
Col. Hogan: It may be *our* ballpark, but *they* just hit a home run.

Carter: I don't know what to use for bait. What do rabbits like best?
Col. Hogan: Other rabbits.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Schultz tells about his evening] Don't just stand there, Schultz. Come on, tell us about it.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well, she let me kiss her - affectionately, you know?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You, uh, put your arms around her?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: What do you think? I sent her the kiss by mail?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And I suppose, uh, she put her arms around you?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You said it, big boy.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: All the way around? She must be an orangutan.

Captain: [Enters the barracks when no one is watching the door]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter, If you leave that door unlatched, you never know what might crawl in here.

Col. Klink: I wonder what was on that train that was so important.
[Explosion. Large object flies through window]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Picks up large object that flew through window, holds it up so Klink can see it] I think it was airplane parts.

Col. Hogan: Lucky for you, General, we're going to get you out of the country. Both of you.
General: But I don't want to get out of the country.
Col. Hogan: When your factory is blown up and you get the blame, You'd rather stay here?
General: I'm coming with you.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Good night. See you in the morning... maybe.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Three men missing? I have to count again. Eins, zwei, drei...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Forget it, Schultz, there are three men missing.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: And Klink will be here in a minute.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I wish there would be four missing.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why four?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Including me.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Aunt Alice knits a funny sock.

General: Klink! I'm warning you. Keep your costs down, put your house in order, or the next time you want caviar, you won't have to import it - you can catch your own on the Volga.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: But you'll have to eat it there. You can't take it home, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: General, I promise you, I will bring all my skill and my intelligence to bear on this problem.
General: Who knows? You may be able to solve it anyway.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Hogan is kissing Tiger goodbye out on the compound]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [Tries to cover up Hogan and Tiger] Col. Hogan! Col. Hogan! Kissing prisoners is verboten!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, General?
General: Hm?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Prob'bly know what I'm gonna ask ya.
General: No, I do not. What?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't you wanna wish me Happy Birthday?
General: Heh-heh, you are a devil, Hogan.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I try.

Col. Hogan: [about the blackmailer] Have her arrested, she sends the pictures to your wife, your wife has YOU arrested.
General: My wife?
Col. Hogan: Yeah, you remember her, the little woman with the big temper.
General: This was an innocent party!
Col. Klink: It was an innocent party!
General: Keep out of this.
Col. Klink: Yes, sir. It wasn't innocent at all.
General: SHUT UP!

Major: [talking into a phone in Col. Klink's office] I suggest you call your top Intelligence people immediately to get my report.
Col. Klink: So you are really German? You know, the moment you came in, I said to myself, "That American officer's a German agent." I could sense it.
Major: One hour? Good. Yes, the Tempelhof Hotel tonight at 9:00. I'll arrange transportation from here from Colonel Klinkel.
Col. Klink: Klink! K-L-I...
Major: Oh, it was really quite simple. I cut a few lines, the plane lost power, and then I directed them to a field that I previously selected. The fools even considered me a hero.
Lieutenant J.B. Miller: [listening in with Col. Hogan and his crew, enraged] Major Martin, a German spy. Boy, that...
[attempts to leave, but Col. Hogan holds him back]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hold it. Hold it. That's not gonna do any good.
LeBeau: There's nothing we can do.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [sighs] Maybe there is.
Major: Hi Hitler.
Col. Klink: Fascinating. You know, I should be an espionage worker. I have a great talent for it. Even as a boy, I used to write messages in invisible ink.
[pause]
Col. Klink: Lemon juice.
Major: Colonel, you never asked for my credentials.
Col. Klink: Ah, there's no need for it. As I told you, I knew the very minute...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's it. Baker, I'm gonna need a phone tap. Miller, listen to everything he says. Carter...
[motions for Carter to come closer]
Major: You heard me, Colonel, I require a car. Have it ready in 15 minutes.
Col. Klink: As a matter of fact, I could even attend the meeting with you.
Major: Where can I wash up?
Col. Klink: Oh, use my quarters. You know, I could be of great help to your espionage work. From my study of Allied prisoners, I could even get a small, little talk. Something about "know your enemy"...
[Strausser walks into Klink's quarters and slams the door in Klink's face]

[Colonel Klink prepares tests to prove the superiority of German fliers]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: But, Colonel Klink, this is a German instrument panel. It's an unfair test. Naturally the German pilots are gonna look better.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Naturally.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Ya mean...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The aim of a research project, my dear Hogan, is not to discover new facts. We already know the Luftwaffe personnel are superior. Here we are merely furnishing scientific proof
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And, surely, we'll get a chance to get acquainted with this.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: When you take the test, it'll be plenty of time.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You know, every time I come face to face with this cruel German cunning, I always wonder why MY side is winning.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Schultz, what would you say if I told you there were a couple of prisoners in that water tank, huh?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Good luck to them. What would they be doing in there?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What's the first thing that comes to your mind?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: They are thirsty?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now, come on, think of something crazy.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: They are trying to escape?

Newkirk: They're really putting the screws on him, aren't they?
Hogan: They have the firing squad taking target practice outside his window.
LeBeau: That's cruel, even for the Bosch.
Hogan: Worse yet, they're using a monocle for a bullseye.
Newkirk: How's Klink taking it?
Hogan: He's taking it like the man that he is... on his knees, sobbing hysterically.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: The Blue Baron *is* leaving.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [regarding German promotions at the front] I'll say one thing about those Russians - they sure create the vacancies.

[Hogan impersonating Gestapo and holds up a General at gunpoint]
General: What is this, you are not Gestapo?
Hogan: Lucky for you, we're going to get you out of this country.
General: But I don't want to leave the country.
Hogan: After your supply factory is blown up and the Gestapo blame you and you still want to stay?
General: I'm coming with you.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Shultz, impersonating a Wermacht General, has run off a pair of Gestapo men attempting to search the flat of LeBeau's artist friend who will forge the replacement of the painting. While being heartily congratulated by the painter, painter's daughter, LeBeau & Hogan Hogan asks] How'd you do that?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Easy. Lucky for you, I was *loaded*.
[Schultz had been drinking wine all afternoon]

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [jeering] Hey, they're gonna surrender.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Smart move!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [playing along further down the line] Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender.
POW: Who told you?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: I just heard it.
POW: [as some of the prisoners begin to cheer and applaud] Hey, the Krauts are surrenderin'.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Colonel Hogan, control your men.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Aw, I can't, sir. The news of your surrendering is...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Who said anything about a surrender?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You did, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: When?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just now. You used the word yourself.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Only to deny it!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it had to start somewhere.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Silence!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Okay, men! The surrender's off!
[the men vocalize their disappointment]

[last lines]
Col. Hogan: Who're you doing dancin' with, Schultz?
Sgt. Schultz: With the money. What else?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [while taking parts out of the real bomb during the defusing, thinking that this is a fake bomb] Carter Manufacturing Company has outdone themselves.

Major: [after examing Klink's records] Very neat. Very efficient.
Colonel: Now, Major, you have arrived here with a fully armed commando, you inspected the books, you asked questions. What is it you want?
Major: Herr Colonel, it's not a question of what I want, it's what I've got.
Colonel: What have you got?
Major: Call the senior prisoner officer in here; this concerns him as well.
Colonel: Call in Colonel Hogan.
Sgt. Schultz: Jawol, Herr Kommandant. Colonel Hogan, come in.
[opens the door and Hogan walks inside]
Colonel: Colonel Hogan, Major Strauss, Gestapo.
Hogan: Major.
Major: Colonel Hogan.
Colonel: Major Strauss has something to say that concerns all of us.
Hogan: Are you surrendering to me? Should've worn my dress blues.
Colonel: Insolence!
Major: I'm sure that we can change the Colonel's attitude.
Colonel: We?
Major: Yes. From today on, the Gestapo will take over Stalag 13. Prisoners, equipment, and bookkeeping. You and your Sergeant will stay on for a few weeks as advisors. And all Luftwaffe personnel will be transferred. Reassigned.
Sgt. Schultz: Reassigned? Where?
Hogan: Let me give you a hint. It's big, cold, east of here, and there are a lot of people named Ivan shooting at you all the time.
Colonel: Major Strauss, where are your orders, huh? And by whose authority?
Major: General Muller, Gestapo.
Colonel: We'll see about this.
[picks up the phone]
Colonel: Fraulein Hilda, get me General Burkhalter in Berlin, priority call.
[takes the phone away from his ear and turns back to Major Strauss]
Colonel: Besides being head of the Stalag Administration, he also happens to be a personal friend of mine.
Major: I'm impressed.
Colonel: [talks into the phone] Oh, General Burkhalter, Colonel Klink speaking. Hi Hitler. There's a Major Strauss here attempting to takeover Stalag 13. His men are in the compound, he's been going through our records, and Major Strauss... Yes, Gestapo.
[line clicks]
Colonel: Hello? Hello?
[hangs up the phone]
Colonel: How could a man talk to me for three minutes and say "wrong number"?
Hogan: There's nothing like a personal friend when you need one.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Sir, I think this time we've bit off more than we can chew.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: All we've gotta do is get Klink to believe there's a rocket gun factory in England, get him to pry the location out of Carter, then he notifies the Luftwaffe, they send over their bombers, our anti-aircraft knock 'em off, and we've relieved the pressure on London. Simple.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [looks from one silent POW to the next] You know what? I think we've bit off more than we can chew.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Say, I understand you're counsel for the defense.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: How did it happen?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I'm told that I volunteered.

Maj. Hochstetter: Exactly what time did this happen?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: About 11 o'clock. That's about right, isn't it, Schultz?
Sgt. Schultz: Three minutes after.
Maj. Hochstetter: Three minutes after? You just happened to look at you watch, huh?
Sgt. Schultz: No sir, I happened to sit on it. It stopped at the very time.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: 'Sugar candy' is code for something special.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Maybe they'll drop us some USO girls.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Could also mean heavy equipment.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: After two years here, who cares what they look like?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now remember, don't drive it any more than necessary.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Well, we hadn't planned on taking a trip, sir, but why not?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: 'Cause we're paying the kraut sergeant in the motor pool ten cents a mile.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I think there is something funny going on here - MONKEY business!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't think too much, Schultz. Brings on your headaches.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Hm! Jolly joker.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [to Newkirk] And you didn't want our son to study chemistry.

Col. Hogan: Excuse me. Are you the woman who lost her Schnauzer?
Heidi: No, I don't have a Schnauzer, I have a Weimaraner.
Col. Hogan: Weimaraners are fine dogs. We have two Dachshunds.
Heidi: Really? What are there names?
Col. Hogan: Heinz and Fritz.
Heidi: I'm very happy to meet you.
Col. Hogan: Hard to believe we're winning the war with that hokey coup.
Heidi: Is the proprietor also an underground agent?
Col. Hogan: Mmm-hmm.
Heidi: Does he have a message for me?
Col. Hogan: Yes.
Heidi: What is the message?
Col. Hogan: [sarcastically] Stop squeezing the tomatoes.
Heidi: I beg your pardon?
Col. Hogan: I have a message for you. London wants to know if you can do another job.
Heidi: That's impossible.
Col. Hogan: What's the problem?
Heidi: The Gestapo- they're closing in on me.
Col. Hogan: What makes you so sure?
Heidi: There's always a man outside my apartment. I've received a series of mysterious phone calls. And yesterday... I find a small microphone in my dresser drawer.
Col. Hogan: Guess that would make you a little suspicious.
Heidi: I don't want to seem dramatic, but I must get out of Germany in the next few days.
Col. Hogan: It won't be easy. We have a lot of flyers to get out of the country, and a rescue team that's overworked.
Heidi: In that case, it was nice knowing you.
Col. Hogan: Don't give up hope. I'll do the best I can. Where can you be reached?
Heidi: The Hauserhof.
Col. Hogan: Good. Your contacts will be Heinz and Fritz.
Heidi: Thank you.

Col. Hogan: It's entirely up to you as to what kind of father you're gonna be.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, I'm not gonna be ANY kind of father! I'm not even married, and you're asking me to treat Flood like a... like a child!
Col. Hogan: Psychologically he is! Now, if you establish a solid father-son relationship with him...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I won't do it!
Col. Hogan: Kommandant Klink, you've got two choices - fatherhood or an exciting trip to the Russian winter wonderland.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Colonel Hogan, let's bring my boy back home.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I think Kommandant Klink's looking for you.
Sgt. Schultz: He knows where I am. I'm right here if he wants me.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What makes you think he wants to see Schultz?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, I heard him say, "Where is that idiot?" No, he said, "Where is that stupid idiot?"
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Maybe he meant someone else.
Sgt. Schultz: No, he wants me.

General: I'm going to personally fire this rocket at England.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: General Burkhalter, may I have the honor please, sir?
General: Of course, Klink.
[Klink fires the rocket which goes immediately off course]
General: Klink! England is that way!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I can't understand what went wrong General Burkhalter.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What's over that way?
General: My house, for one thing.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [the rocket crashes in the distance and explodes] Well, General, I've always thought it was a lousy neighborhood anyway.

Col. Hogan: [saying facetiously, to Crittendon] Can't tell you how nice it is to see you again too.

Colonel: Those prisoners will be released over my dead body!
Hogan: It's a deal!

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Uh, Colonel Hogan! I'm too old to parachute jump!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Never too old, Schultz! Come on!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Colonel Hogan! I'm too BIG to parachute jump!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now THERE you have a point.

General: What is it, Klink?
Col. Klink: Oh, I left my copy of Mein Kampf in the desk here, sir. It should be of great comfort to me on the Russian front.
Col. Hogan: Very handy for starting camp fires.

General: And, Hogan... I hope I haven't spoiled your birthday party.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You are a devil, sir.
General: I try.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just because we're enemies is no reason we can't be friends.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: It is about his defense counsel. Colonel Hauptmann is a very lucky man.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Who's defending him?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Klink?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Klink?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Klink?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You don't mean our Klink. I mean, the Klink here - you don't mean him.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, Kommandant Klink, a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [having heard Göring's propaganda message from Schultz] Come on, Schultz, it's a great idea.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: It is?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, for OUR side. I'm gonna get some German officers to defect to us, send them to England, organize the German prisoners there into a fighting force. You know what it's gonna be called?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Is it important that I know?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: The Schultz Brigade!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: The Schultz Brigade... Pa-LEASE, Col. Hogan...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yes, indeed, Schultz, I can see it now. You'll be a legend in your own time. The Schultz Brigade, in memory of the intrepid guard, who once...
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I hear nothing. Nothing.
[rips down the propaganda poster and scurries away]

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Ah, Major Hochstetter, always a pleasure to see your smiling face. Uh, did you come on military business, or is this a social call?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What is it at your camp, Klink? Everybody thinks I'm a social butterfly.

Colonel: [about how he got Hogan out of the cooler] Believe me, for the first time I had to use all my intelligence and craftiness.
Hogan: Yeah, well, I got out anyway.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: I'm here to make a complaint on behalf of my men.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, a complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.

Hogan: [the phone rings while Hogan's men are cracking a safe] Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number.
Carter: [answers the phone in a mock-German accent] I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number.
[pause]
Carter: So what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet? No matter who you're calling it's still the wrong number because I don't even have a phone!

Col. Hogan: What am I supposed to do with the rocket after I get it?
Marya: Fly it off to Moscow.
Col. Hogan: London.
Marya: Moscow.
Col. Hogan: London.
Marya: We shall flip for it, agreed?

[Hogan decides to destroy the German ammo dump unsuccessfully attacked by Sergeant Orchard and his men]
Sergeant: You're thinking of going there?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why not? It's in the neighborhood.
Sergeant: You mean you're going to stage a raid from a prison camp? You must be daft! That's fifty miles away through the heart of Germany. How are you going to get there?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Through our local travelers aid man, Colonel Klink

Col. Klink: [an arrow has whizzed into the room and knocked off his hat] What is it?
Col. Hogan: I don't know. Did you do anything nasty to Robin Hood?

Sgt. Schultz: Colonel Hogan, those prisoners are not going to escape from STALAG 13, are they?
Col. Hogan: Schultz if they do, you will be the first to know.
Sgt. Schultz: Colonel Hogan, if they do, let me be the last to know.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Look, I know that arrow was pointed in the right direction! I took a bearing from the roof of Klink's office.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Doesn't matter, Kinch. The Adolf Hitler Bridge is still in business.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Yeah, and Klink's happy - nasty happy.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Let's make him unhappy - nasty unhappy. Let's knock out that bridge.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Huh?
LeBeau: What?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You're kidding. I mean, how do we get there?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll worry about that later. What kind of explosives we got, Carter?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Three firecrackers and a can of lighter fluid.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Firecrackers?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, sure. You remember. When we told Klink that LeBeau was part Chinese. We had to have firecrackers to celebrate Chinese New Year.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah.
LeBeau: And I cooked that whole pot of chow mein with sauerkraut.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Please, not while I'm plotting.
[turns to Carter]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You got anything to make explosives?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, the easiest thing would be some kind of gas. We could get a detonator and a timer. Maybe chlorine gas.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What do you need?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Ammonia would do it. Mixed with bleach if we had any.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Hey, the krauts keep a lot of that stuff in the kitchen for cleanup.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Newkirk, go find Schultz. Volunteer for kitchen detail.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, Colonel.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Kinch, you go with Carter. Help him set up his bomb factory in Tunnel Number 3. Give him anything he needs.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Right.
LeBeau: What-what about me, Colonel? What do I do?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: LeBeau, my boy, I'm holding you in reserve to make chow mein.
LeBeau: What?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: If Carter's bombs don't do it, we may have to poison that bridge.

Col. Klink: [Gets sprayed in the face by a broken sink]
Col. Klink: What do I do now?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: If I were you, In wouldn't pay his bill.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [showing off his commandant threads] How do I look?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Good enough to kill.

Col. Klink: What about Feldcamp?
LeBeau: They thought he was so overworked, they sent him to a rest camp.
Kinchloe: And when he got out, he was so rested, they sent him to the Russian front.
Col. Hogan: Now he's really resting... in peace.
Col. Klink: Poor Feldcamp.

Col. Hogan: The Germans would never give up a big man like Barton for just a von Clanky, here.
Field: Von Heinke, Heinke, not Clanky.

Col. Klink: You mean you will work for nothing?
Col. Hogan: We want to beautify this place. We want it to look nice when General Patton's tanks come rolling in.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: I'm an ambitious man and I see the way the war is going. Today you have Europe. Tomorrow, you'll be in America.
General: Ja, what is it you want?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Cleveland.

Col. Klink: One of our trucks is buried in the snow and we need someone to shovel it out.
Col. Hogan: Why don't you order your men to do it?
Col. Klink: Because my men are guarding your men and it's very difficult to hold a gun and a shovel at the same time.
Col. Hogan: No problem, we'll hold their guns for them.

Col. Hogan: [talking to Hedy] Is it possible to send an American to the eastern front?

Capt. Roberts: I went on a recon mission along the French Coast. Got a look at their fortifications.
Col. Hogan: That's when they got you.
Capt. Roberts: Right. Two Messerschmitts came up and had a proper go at us and blasted our port engine. I had to bail out. I hadn't a prayer on the ground. They nabbed me straight away.
Col. Hogan: How long were you in Stalag 9?
Capt. Roberts: Oh, roughly two months I'd say. They behaved decently enough. Jolly strenuous.
Col. Hogan: Interrogation?
Capt. Roberts: Days of it. Weeks, in fact. They never gave me a moment of privacy. They took pictures of me... recorded my voice while they questioned me.
Col. Hogan: Recorded your voice, why?
Capt. Roberts: Haven't the foggiest, old boy. You know the way the kraut's are- sticklers for details, never miss a trick.
Col. Hogan: Yeah, I know.
[gets up from his chair and searches for a hidden microphone]
Capt. Roberts: What are you doing?
Col. Hogan: Oh, nothing. Just stretching.
[motions for Roberts to keep talking]
Capt. Roberts: Well, um, how are you getting on here at Stalag 13?
Col. Hogan: [sarcastically] Oh, deliriously happy.
Capt. Roberts: I must say, it's rather a grubby looking place.
Col. Hogan: I did ask for a POW camp on the French Riviera, but they couldn't get me a reservation. Seems they, uh, they were all full up for the season.
Capt. Roberts: All full up for the season? Hmm. That's jolly good.
[Col. Hogan finds a microphone hidden in the curtain puller]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [eavesdropping on the conversation in his office] Our little plan seems to be going very well.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Our little plan?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah, the Gestapo is most efficient, I always say.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Thank you, Klink. Now be quiet.
Col. Hogan: Well, Robbie, I guess I'll be going along.
Capt. Roberts: Well, awfully decent of you to stop by.
Col. Hogan: I'll try to stop by again tomorrow if the krauts let me.
Capt. Roberts: Jolly good.
Col. Hogan: So long.
[closes the door to make it seem like he's leaving. They quietly walk over to the microphone hidden in the curtain, and Col. Hogan covers it with his hand and shoulder]
Col. Hogan: Krauts are up to something big, and I think it may involve you. What'd they question you about at Stalag 9?
Capt. Roberts: Everything. They know I'm Air Mashall staff, and that I attend briefings they give about Winston.
Col. Hogan: Very convenient. They fell all over themselves, giving me permission to see you. And alone. Again, why?
Capt. Roberts: That's anybody's guess.
Col. Hogan: Time to stop guessing and find out.
[carefully slides the microphone back in place]

Cpl. Langenscheidt: The mess sergeant would like to know what you and your guest would like for dinner.
Major: [speaks Italian] Antipasto, minestrone, pasta al dente.
[Langenscheidt nods]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Langenscheidt! We will have potato soup, boiled potatoes, potato pancakes, sauerkraut, and sauerbraten.
Cpl. Langenscheidt: Ja, Herr Kommandant.
[he leaves]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [to Bonacelli] Bon appetit.
[Bonacelli looks nauseated]

Major: There are two models. One, you turn the handle clockwise, and the other, you turn it counter clockwise.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Which one's this?
Major: There's no way of telling. Take your choice. But not to worry, if you made a mistake, you'll never know it.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Colonel Hogan, Herr Kommandant demands that I find the radio even if I have to take apart the barracks nail by nail with my teeth.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's fine with us, Schultz. Go ahead.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, please, Colonel Hogan, it would make things so much easier if YOU would find the radio for me. ANY radio.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: All right. Sounds reasonable enough. Kinch, help him out, will ya?
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Sure, Colonel. Come on.
[open a footlocker packed with radios, wristwatches, pocket watches and other goods]
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: There you are. Take your choice.

Baroness: Well, a tall, good-looking man for a change. And I thought this party was going to be such a bore.
Col. Hogan: Keep talking. You're raising the fur on the leg of my neck.
Baroness: What is it you Americans always say? Um... "Where have you been all my life?"
Col. Hogan: Right here. And don't go out much anymore.
Baroness: Of course. You're a prisoner.
Col. Hogan: It only hurts when I'm awake. You live in Hammelburg?
Baroness: Mmm. Part of it, dear. We have a nice little house just outside of town. I would love for you to see it sometime.
Col. Hogan: Yeah, so would I, but I have an arrangement with the management. And I don't escape, and they don't shoot me.
Baroness: Well, if you ever do escape, Colonel, please drop in.
Col. Hogan: Keep the swastika burning in the window.
Baroness: Ah.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [after Hogan failed to convince Klink to move troops] Colonel Hogan, what happened?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I think I'm losing my touch.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: This little caper of yours better come off. We lost a man to give you what you asked for.
General: Don't worry. We are determined to destroy this fool at any cost.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I know who the fool is. Who's "we"?
General: The greatest military minds Germany has ever produced.
[walks over to a portrait of Hitler]
General: He dares call himself Supreme Commander. But we'll put him out of business, I promise you.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's the least you can do, considering.
General: Considering what?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're the same bunch of guys that put him in business.

Col. Hogan: The bunks are 28 inches apart.
Col. Hogan: How about that.
Sergeant: Regulations say bunks must be 27 inches apart.
Col. Hogan: We needed the space for dancing.

[Col. Deutsch throws a grenade towards the POWs standing in formation. All but Col. Hogan drop to the ground. The grenade is a dud. Col. Deutsch laughs]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, Colonel. You seem to have dropped something.
SS: My compliments, Colonel. That is one of the grenades we will be using in our war games. Oh, tell me something. How did you know it was a blank?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Easy. For a live grenade, you would have been the first to run. You see, both you and I know you're not a member of a super race.
SS: After our war games, I shall teach you respect for the SS.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I doubt it.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: First thing is to get you into Stalag 13.
Sparrow: You hide us in a prisoner of war camp?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We're the only motel for miles around.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [watching the women eat at the tea party] Guests are certainly enjoying themselves, sir. That's the third tray of hors d'oeuvres LeBeau has sent in.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uh, the fat little lady in the red dress has been eating steadily over an hour and a half.
General: That's my wife.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Did I say red dress? I meant green dress, of course. I'm color-blind, you know.
General: Klink, you meant the lady in the red dress, and she has been eating steadily for an hour and a half.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I'm sure Mrs. Burkhalter was famished when she arrived. It's a long trip to this camp, you know.
General: Exactly two miles... And she ate a sandwich in the car.

Col. Hogan: Guys oughta gimme a little notice when you're gonna do something decent.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Really?
Col. Hogan: Yeah. I faint very easily.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Before the war I was a plumber's helper. That's how I got my commission in the air corps.

Col. Hogan: [about Schultz] I could convince him *I* was Himmler!

Col. Hogan: [Col. Hogan and his crew enter their cabin with a new prisoner, Corporal Walter Tillman]
[pointing at an empty bunk]
Col. Hogan: That one's yours, pop.
Corporal: Okay, Hogan.
LeBeau: It's Colonel Hogan.
Corporal: Yeah? Well, I'll remember that.
Col. Hogan: What outfit were you with, pop?
Corporal: 605th engineers. After that, I went airborne. Don't ask me any questions about baseball. Any German spy knows more about it than I do.
Col. Hogan: You know how it is, pop. Can't be too careful
Corporal: Yeah, I know. Knock it off with that pop routine, will ya?
Col. Hogan: Unless that's the way you want it.
Corporal: That's the way I want it.
Carter: Hey, look, American cigarettes!
Corporal: Give me those!
[everyone looks at Tillman with suspicion]
Corporal: Well, it's the only pack I got.
Kinchloe: Yeah, well, there's a war on.
Col. Hogan: Tillman, didn't your mother ever teach you anything about sharing?
Newkirk: Maybe his mother doesn't know he smokes.
LeBeau: Well, maybe we should take his cigarettes away so his mother won't be unhappy.
Carter: Yeah, that's what we ought to do.
Corporal: Well, don't start anything. Someone might get hurt.
Newkirk: What gave you that idea, pop?
Col. Hogan: Knock it off! Go take a shower, Tillman.

Lieutenant J.B. Miller: You're going to a German intelligence meeting?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I really had nothing else to do tonight. It is nice to get out of the house once in a while.

Col. Hogan: What do we call the outfit? The Klink Brigade! No.
[pauses]
Col. Hogan: The Burkhalter Brigade! That's it!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Nobody drops dead just to prove a point.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [after Newkirk and Carter have been caught escaping] They weren't really trying to escape.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yeah, yeah.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They were going into town for a very good reason.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: To buy something. They would have come right back.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: A birthday gift for you.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: For me?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I don't believe it.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't let the war make you cynical, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I was not aware that it's my birthday.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Isn't it about time you found out?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I wouldn't believe one word you said, Hogan.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Not even if I said you were the greatest military mind in the Third Reich?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That I'd have to think over.

Col. Hogan: "Civilian", what a beautiful word. Next to "girls".
Newkirk: Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames?
Col. Hogan: Of course I do, but I fight it.

Col. Hogan: You need the P-51 - now?
General: I want you to go to England, steal one of the planes and fly it back to us.
Col. Hogan: Is THAT all you want? You didn't have to give me a good meal just for that.
Col. Klink: Excellent, Hogan! Excellant!
Col. Hogan: I would have said "drop dead" on an EMPTY stomach.

Col. Hogan: The escape committee asked if you can give them a deal on 6 by 16 whitewalls.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: I've got a present for you from Carter. He's made you an honorary Chief of the Sioux tribe.
[He gives Schultz a feather headdress]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [Very excitedly] It's Bee-yoo-ti-ful!
[He puts it on and looks in a mirror]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: He's also given you a new name, Schultz. You are now Big Chief Running Bear Who Goes Swift And Sure To Beer Garden.
[Klink enters the room]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Outraged] Or, you could be Big Fat Schultz Who Goes Swift And Sure To The Russian Front!

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: But, uh, I'm pleased to announce that everything here is in order. By my count, all are present - even two over.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Good.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [suddenly realizing] Colonel Hogan - two over!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, are you a spy?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I don't know anything about the underground or sabotage.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What's there to know? You plant a bomb and a bridge blows up. A child could do that.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You must know some nice kids.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [whispering loudly] Hey, Schultz!
Sgt. Schultz: Halt! Who goes there?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: The Kaiser.
Sgt. Schultz: The Kaiser...

Col. Robert E. Hogan: What is it, a party?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, you might say that it is.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You look more like it was a funeral.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, you might say that too.

Sgt. Schultz: A hundred marks for that? What are we waiting for? Let's go collect the reward.
Col. Hogan: What's the rush? It'll go up to 500 marks and we're partners.
Sgt. Schultz: Cone on, who would be that stupid to give so much?
Col. Hogan: General Bretschneider?
Sgt. Schultz: Ja, he is that stupid.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: How's it, Newkirk?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [dressed as a German soldier] Well, I have had worse fits, sir. I borrowed my mum's swimsuit once when I was four.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Nobody's perfect. How are your accents?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [gruffly] Jawohl, Colonel.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't say too much. Carter?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [no accent whatsoever] Jaw bowl, Herr Colonel.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't say anything at all.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: You just given me the whole operation: Have the Germans blow up their own refinery.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Colonel Hogan, please, I know nothing about it! I only know that these two men MUST BE REPORTED!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: All right, Schultz, have it your way, but when that refinery is blown up and it comes out to have been your idea...
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I know NOTHING!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [after the death of Hercules] This plan better work. It's already got an expensive price tag on it.

Col. Hogan: You just don't walk into an American air force base and steal a plane. I mean, they count those things every night.

General: [still looking for soldiers to fight the S.S] Vhat about arming the prisoners, Klink?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, heh-heh, sir, they have no more fighting spirit. I have cowed them.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yes, yes, he's cowed us.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: And we have no more guns.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: They can perhaps have mine?

[last lines]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Colonel Hogan, if you ever escape...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Be a good fellow and take me with you.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Where are the two prisoners who tried to escape?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: If you stood any closer to them, your Iron Cross would get rusty.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, you fools. Here's my reward. Thirty days in the cooler. Take them away
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Thirty days is an cruel and human unjustified punishment, to be inflicted only by a sadist.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Flattery will gain you nothing, my dear, Colonel.

LeBeau: Boy, I miss all the action.
Col. Hogan: Stop complaining. This whole operation depends on you. You all set?
LeBeau: Sure, I cook while everybody else fights a war.
Col. Hogan: I'll see that de Gaulle gives you an oak leaf cluster and a Crêpe Suzette, now move.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look Metzler, why can't you understand? I'm trying to save your *life*!
Captain: In return for *information*!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They *shot* Holtz trying to escape- you're next! *You* be the judge what's *important*!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Such an impossible lie.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's the best kind.

[first lines]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [looking at a map of Germany with Pierre, trying to figure out what to attack next] From the information we got on the troop movements, they're converging on this area right here.
Pierre: Oh. That's a lot of Germans to be meeting in one place.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We think they're planning on a big push. We're gonna have to try and slow them down.
Pierre: Well, we can blow up these bridges, landmines on these roads will take care of the truck convoys.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't forget the airfields.
Pierre: I never forget an airfield.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just one thing that bothers me about this whole operation.
Pierre: What's that?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We gathered the information too easily.
Pierre: Well, that's the way it is in this business. Sometimes it comes easy, sometimes not so easy, and... sometimes not at all.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You better get ready to move out. LeBeau's gonna release some of the dogs to create a diversion.
Pierre: All right.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Everything's clear up there, sir.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Good luck.
Pierre: [salutes Col. Hogan] Thank you.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [shakes hands with Pierre] Good luck.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [at roll call] Schultz, why don't you take off your shoes and socks? You're running out of fingers.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Err, don't confuse me!
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Hey, Schultz, why don't you count our legs and divide by two?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Quiet!

[last lines]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Berlin is calling every minute. "What happened to the Duke of York?" NOTHING IS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DUKE OF YORK!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Bad scene, Major.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Hogan, I will not go down alone. If my head is to roll, all heads will roll.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Except, Major, I quite clearly had no part in this whole affair. Therefore...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: All heads will roll!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: All heads will roll, that's quite democratic.
Marya: Poor Putzie. So handsome and so unlucky.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Traitors, all of you. I fully intend... Hogan, why are you so composed?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it's obvious, Major. You've already figured how to turn this to your advantage.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I have?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: He has?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Of course. The ultimate weapon didn't quite work out. But the Major has a plan to cripple the entire Russian rocket program.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: He has?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Go on, Hogan.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're pulling my leg. You're not arranging right now for Zagoskin to escape to Russia? Of course you are. He'll do for them what he's done for you. That's worthy of Himmler himself, Major.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Hogan, I...
Marya: Major Hochstetter is a genius, Putzie. He has saved us all.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, I believe I have.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're still going to send me home, aren't you?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Of course not. Take him away, Klink. Back to Stalag 13.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, take him away.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Cruel, sir, cruel.
Marya: Sensational.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Adequate.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Inspector General of the armies of the Third Reich. Now, he's due to arrive here any moment.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Here? Why wasn't I notified?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Why should you be?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why shouldn't I be?

Col. Hogan: Hold it, General. The party who's challenged gets the choice of weapons.
Carter: [as General von Weidler] That is true. But it is also true that I am a general and he is a colonel. I'm ordering him to choose sabers.

Sgt. Schultz: Is that all you can think about? Girls?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No. Women.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Oh, Colonel, we got roll call in a few minutes.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [staying with the radio] Right. If I'm not there, start without me.

Col. Hogan: Carter's in my footlocker.
Kinchloe: In your footlocker?
Col. Hogan: Don't ask me how I know but that's where he is. You're in my footlocker, aren't you, Carter?
Carter: [voice muffled] Yes. I am, sir.
Col. Hogan: [to the guys] Get him out quick before I decide to leave him there, will you?

Col. Hogan: And give Mary Jane our best.
Carter: Sure... Mary Jane?
Col. Hogan: Yeah, when you get home.
Carter: I'm not going home. I'm going into town to see Mady. She kissed me, you know.

Sgt. Schultz: Colonel Hogan, I know nothing. Nothing!
Col. Hogan: You don't even know what I'm gonna ask.
Sgt. Schultz: I don't care. I know nothing about everything.

Major: Exchanging me for three generals, you know.
Col. Hogan: Good break for you.
Major: Ah, not really. I insisted on it in my contract before I enlisted.

Col. Hogan: [leaning on Klink's desk] Well, I mean you go along running the toughest camp in Germany and then suddenly, one day you look out and through the gate comes a Sherman tank,
[points at Klink]
Col. Hogan: with its peashooter pointed right at your monocle.
Col. Klink: [stands up, visibly nervous] What?
Col. Hogan: Yeah, yeah. And then out steps a second lieutenant, 19 years old, 6 feet 4, a high school senior from Wichita, Kansas, and he says, "Sir, you are my prisoner."
[points at Klink]
Col. Hogan: Very correct. And if you move, he shoots you.
[sits in Klink's chair]

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [the men are planting flowers] I was not aware that you were such a nature lover.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Mm-hmm, we think it'll, uh it'll go a lot easier for you, sir - you should be prepared.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Prepared for what?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: For the liberation. When the Allies march in the front gate, it'll go a lot easier for you if you're standing there with a bouquet of pansies.

Col. Hogan: Stop throwing these temper tantrums if you're gonna be any kind of a father.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [whispering] I wasn't throwing any temper tantrums.
Col. Hogan: Yes, you were. You were shouting hysterically and stomping your feet.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [shouting] I was not stomping my feet, I was only shouting hysterically.

General: Having a good time, Hogan?
Col. Hogan: [sitting between Eva and Greta] Beautiful. They didn't promise anything like this at the induction center.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [at the rehearsal of the wedding Hilda dressed as the bride] I do not recall giving permission to Fraulein Hilda to be part of this.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You can kiss the bride.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh.

Col. Robert Hogan: I want you to sign this, sir. It's an authorization for us to discipline Newkirk.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Very well, very well.
Col. Robert Hogan: Finally decided on an appropriate punishment for him.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Wait a minute, it says that you're going to shoot him.
Col. Robert Hogan: Yes sir, at dawn tomorrow. Don't forget the middle initial.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You can't shoot your own man. We can shoot him but you can't.

Colonel: No, no, no, no, no! A pink building on a military establishment, are you mad? If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Come on, Colonel. It's about time we got a little color in the war. Everything is so drab.
Colonel: PAINT IT AGAIN!

Col. Hogan: How much longer, Kinch?
Kinchloe: I don't know Colonel, it could be five minutes maybe five hours.
Col. Hogan: Great! Anything thing could be happening up there- anything.
Newkirk: You don't have to worry about Carter, Sir. He's a very fast thinker. If you give him enough time.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Colonel, you're asking and answering your own questions. That's tops in German efficiency.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Col. Hogan, is it true the big shot is going to be a private?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, just for a few hours, Schultz. It's an intelligence matter.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Under my command?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Right, right.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, it's a trick just to get me into trouble.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, no, Schultz. It's on the level. Here comes Pvt. Klink now.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [to Hogan] Did you explain it to him?
[Hogan nods]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, Schultz, I want you to treat me as you would any private under your command. Understood?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Understood.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I don't want any special favors, any special treatment...
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You, you, you... you are a private?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, I am.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Then SHUT UP!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: How dare you tell me...
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung! Eyes front! Put the helmet straight! Chest out, stomach in! Answer only when you are spoken to.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Jawohl!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl what?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Jawohl, Herr Feldwebel!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: THAT'S better. About face! Fall in with the rest of them, you dummkopf! Eyes straight.
[Klink scurries off]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [to Hogan] Oh, it feels so good.

Major: General! This man is describing a vacuum cleaner, not a bomb sight!
General: What?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: A vacuum cleaner?
Col. Hogan: Norden makes one of the greatest vacuum cleaners in the world.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sometimes I just talk too much.

General: Mainly, you just sit vhere and look pretty.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Thanks, I will.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
[no response]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What did you say, Schultz?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I said 'Achtung!'
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh. Your bid, Kinch.
Kinch: Two of clubs.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: When I say 'Achtung' that means that you all are to SNAP to attention.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, is that what it means? Huh! I always thought it meant 'Good morning' or 'Greetings, Mate.' Something like that.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: No, no. 'Achtung' is a command. When I say 'Achtung' I want you all to come to attention at once.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: I wasn't sure what that one meant myself. It always sounded like Schultz was just clearing his throat. So that's a command for attention, huh?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: That's right! Now that you all know it...
[Schultz leaves and then re-enters the room]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: And a 'Good morning' to you, too, Schultz.
Kinch: Didn't you hear what Schultz said?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Sure. He said 'Achtung' so I said 'Good morning' right back to him.
Kinch: Achtung doesn't mean 'Good morning.'
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, that's what Newkirk says it means. And who are we gonna believe? One of us or one of them?
Kinch: He's got a point there.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Yes he does! You'd better brush up on your German, Schultz.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yeah, don't use words you're not sure of. In future, to avoid confusion, why don't you just say 'Good Morning' in English?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hi Schultz! Just let us all know when it's time for Roll Call, will you?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl, Colonel Hogan... But it IS time for Roll Call. That's why I came here in the first place! It's almost PAST time for Roll Call!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, you'd never make sergeant in OUR Air Force.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Roll Call! Everybody out, out, out, out, out, out, out! Roll Call! Raus!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Hey Thank you! And a 'Good day' to you, too, Schultz.

Col. Klink: I can't let LeBeau go into Hammelburg.
Col. Hogan: Put him under heavy guard. Send Schultz with him. You haven't got any heavier guard than that.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [after being told he does not have to transfer] You mean I do not have to go?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You heard the commandant, now back to your post.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, so you made a few stupid mistakes. You're lazy, you're fat, you sleep on duty. Still, you're a likable clod.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, do you realize what General Burkhalter would say if he saw a chimpanzee working in the garden?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's a lot better than if he saw him lying in the sack goldbricking.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, I'm grateful that a lion didn't walk into your barracks.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Him I would let goldbrick.

Col. Hogan: [up in the kommandant's face] Funny I never noticed what thin, cruel lips you have.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I have thin, cruel lips?
Col. Hogan: Mm-hm. And your eyes...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I have thin, cruel eyes, too?
Col. Hogan: No, cold and hard! The twinkle and laughter is gone. They're not the same smiling Prussian eyes you once had.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: My lips don't feel the least bit thin.
Col. Hogan: Give us back the warm, understanding kommandant we respected and... yes, some of us even loved.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Do you think that a card would be appropriate?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, absolutely, sir. Absolutely.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, all right.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [dictating] To my belovéd Führer...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [writing] To my belovéd Führer...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: ...from a grateful kommandant.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: ...from a grateful kommandant.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Thanks for a wonderful war.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thanks for a wonderful...
[Klink looks at Hogan]

Col. Hogan: If we hear a splash, you're a lousy navigator.