Top 50 Quotes From Newkirk

Col. Hogan: There better be some changes around here, I warn you, or I'm going to organize a hunger strike.
Newkirk: I thought we were on one.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: H-how does he get out of a locked cell with an armed guard on the door?
Col. Hogan: Schultz was the guard. All he had to worry about was the locked cell.

Col. Hogan: How long did it take us to dig that tunnel to the barbed-wire fence?
LeBeau: Well, we used eight men and as I remember, it took us about...
Kinchloe: Sixteen hours.
LeBeau: Yeah, sixteen hours.
Col. Hogan: All right, this is twice the distance. How long will it take to get to the girls?
Newkirk: About a hour and a half, sir.
LeBeau: We wouldn't let you dig this alone.
Newkirk: Well, with help, twenty minutes.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Look, I know that arrow was pointed in the right direction! I took a bearing from the roof of Klink's office.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Doesn't matter, Kinch. The Adolf Hitler Bridge is still in business.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Yeah, and Klink's happy - nasty happy.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Let's make him unhappy - nasty unhappy. Let's knock out that bridge.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Huh?
LeBeau: What?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You're kidding. I mean, how do we get there?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll worry about that later. What kind of explosives we got, Carter?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Three firecrackers and a can of lighter fluid.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Firecrackers?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, sure. You remember. When we told Klink that LeBeau was part Chinese. We had to have firecrackers to celebrate Chinese New Year.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah.
LeBeau: And I cooked that whole pot of chow mein with sauerkraut.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Please, not while I'm plotting.
[turns to Carter]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You got anything to make explosives?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, the easiest thing would be some kind of gas. We could get a detonator and a timer. Maybe chlorine gas.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What do you need?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Ammonia would do it. Mixed with bleach if we had any.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Hey, the krauts keep a lot of that stuff in the kitchen for cleanup.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Newkirk, go find Schultz. Volunteer for kitchen detail.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, Colonel.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Kinch, you go with Carter. Help him set up his bomb factory in Tunnel Number 3. Give him anything he needs.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Right.
LeBeau: What-what about me, Colonel? What do I do?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: LeBeau, my boy, I'm holding you in reserve to make chow mein.
LeBeau: What?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: If Carter's bombs don't do it, we may have to poison that bridge.

[Myra and Newkirk are being held in a German prison]
Myra: I'm just so scared.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Of me or them?

Col. Hogan: How much longer, Kinch?
Kinchloe: I don't know Colonel, it could be five minutes maybe five hours.
Col. Hogan: Great! Anything thing could be happening up there- anything.
Newkirk: You don't have to worry about Carter, Sir. He's a very fast thinker. If you give him enough time.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [showing Schultz items in a footlocker from which he can choose something to buy] A cigarette lighter. See the inscription? "To H. G. from J. G."
Sgt. Schultz: [impressed] "To H. G. from J. G." What does that mean?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: To Hermann Goering from Joseph Goebbels.
Sgt. Schultz: [unbelieving] How did you get it?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [deadpan] Well, it was a mad weekend in Berchtesgarden, while I was...
Sgt. Schultz: [cuts him off] NNNOOOOO... thank you! I am not interested in a lighter!

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [looking at the burnt money in his hand] It's the story of my life. I never could hang on to money.

Newkirk: Does the General have any requests at all, sir? We have a lovely arrangement of "Deutschland Über Alles".

Newkirk: There's no shortage of birds in Hammelburg.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Really, Newkirk, how would you know? Have you been sneaking out through the emergency tunnel?
Newkirk: Who me? On my honour, sir.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: On your honor, yes or no?
Newkirk: With your permission, sir, I'd like to resign from this conversation.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: We're going to try and spring her.
Carter: But, Colonel, that's Gestapo that's got her.
Newkirk: Right, they shoot people for double parking.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where is the map of the submarine pens?
Colonel: It's hidden. Only I can find it and only I am going to deliver it to London.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You wouldn't want to tell me where it is just in case you had an accident, like walking in front of the firing squad or something?
Colonel: Colonel Klink, my brilliant defense counsel is going to make sure that doesn't happen.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Are you kidding? You'll be lucky if he isn't shot with you.

Kinchloe: Say, where do we find this guy, Alfie the Artist?
Newkirk: [imitating Peter Lorre] Just ask Scotland Yard. They know where he is at all times.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: They've given us tough assignments before and we've always been able to think of a way to get them done. They probably just assume we gonna do it the same way with this little problem. Well five men can not hold off a division.
Kinch,200397: Right
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's ridiculous!
Kinch,200397: Right
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It just can't be done!
Kinch,200397: Right
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And here's how we're going to do it...

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [as Humphrey Bogart] Sprechen sie deutsch?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [as Sydney Greenstreet] Fluently, sir, fluently.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [as Humphrey Bogart] Then droppen sie dead.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I think Kommandant Klink's looking for you.
Sgt. Schultz: He knows where I am. I'm right here if he wants me.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What makes you think he wants to see Schultz?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, I heard him say, "Where is that idiot?" No, he said, "Where is that stupid idiot?"
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Maybe he meant someone else.
Sgt. Schultz: No, he wants me.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: But don't let the commandant see the monkey.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Monkey, Schultz? Freddy is a chimpanzee. He's very sensitive about that.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, I'm sorry, Freddy.

Sgt. Andrew Carter: I hate to say this, Colonel, but I don't see any way we're going to get our hands on that briefcase.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're right, the situation is hopeless, there's no solution, we're faced with an absolute impossibility.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: In that case, sir, why don't you tell us what you've thought of?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Alright, here it is.

Newkirk: I'm too old to be a prisoner of war.

Newkirk: Returned from scout mission, sir!
Col. Hogan: Did you see where the codebook was?
Newkirk: Nothing escaped these eagle eyes, sir. It was on old Klink's desk.
LeBeau: You would think he put it in a real hiding place.
Col. Hogan: Why should he? As far as he knows, it's just a book on personal hygiene. All right, you men know what to do. Battle stations.

Newkirk: If they transfer Klink, we might get another kraut we can train.

Newkirk: Pity you can't talk her out of it, Colonel.
Col. Hogan: Well I can't. And I've tried everything. Believe me, everything.
LeBeau: Yes, we know. You didn't get all the lipstick off.

Newkirk: Imitating Hitler on radio: That Berlin is in ruins, Hamburg is a shambles, I order you not to believe these things!

Newkirk: Ja, ja, Gestapo headquarters, Captain Schnuzle speaking.
Otto: Otto von Krubner here.
Newkirk: Oh, the world-famous munitions maker who used to have a factory at Rindlesgard?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Newkirk?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, sir.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We need Wehrmacht uniforms for everybody.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: How much time do I have, sir?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You have three minutes.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I think I can just make it.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, come on, Carter. Be a sweet Sioux.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I'm afraid Flood's had it this time. Nobody escapes those Gestapo boys.
Col. Hogan: Yeah, I'd like to think that Flood just might be the exception.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, I'd like to think so too, but I'd lay a hundred to one against it.
Sergeant: [appearing from under a blanket] I believe I'll take that bet, Newkirk.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I'm going to need a few things, you know.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: What for?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You don't think I'd let a Frenchman make the tea, do you? He doesn't have a clue.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Don't they drink tea in France?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: We don't drink anything we don't stomp on.

Newkirk: Mama Bear, this is Papa Bear. Come in, please.
English: Go ahead, Papa Bear.
Newkirk: Would you try and locate my girlfriend for me? Her name is Rita Nottingham. She used to live in Tottenham Court Road. She's blonde, 36-24-36.
English: Sorry, we cannot use the air for personal messages.
Newkirk: Do me a favour, you're just jealous.
English: Why should I be? I'm 38-24-36.
Kinchloe: Some Mama Bear.

Colonel: No need to worry, I have a photographic memory. My mind is like a camera.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yeah, but how are you fixed for film?

[Anticipating the Gestapo questioning him the next day leaves Klink too agitated to sleep]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What we need is a nice, friendly, understanding Gestapo agent to question him.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Those kind are a little tough to find aren't they, sir?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [an idea] Oh, I don't know.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [walking over to Carter] You just have to know where to look.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [spooked] Why you lookin' at me, sir?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [clicking fingers] Wardrobe?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, sir. One Gestapo outfit, a medium.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [clicking fingers] Makeup?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Coming right up.

Newkirk: Sir, we just can't let 'em have a shot at ol' Winnie.
Col. Hogan: I'm with you, Newkirk.
Newkirk: I mean, the war just wouldn't be the same without him.

Kinchloe: [after Schultz left after telling Hogan that Klink wants to see him] You're not still going, are you, Colonel?
Col. Hogan: That's the plan, isn't it?
Kinchloe: You know Klink. If you don't come to him, he'll come to you.
Col. Hogan: I know. Corporal Newkirk?
Newkirk: Sir?
Col. Hogan: As of now, you're a Colonel.

Hogan: Do I have to repeat the orders that were given to us when this happy little band of wandering minstrels was formed?
Newkirk: Sir, all I'm trying to -
Hogan: OK, I will. Quote: You'll assist escaping prisoners, cooperate with all friendly forces, and use every means to harass and injure the enemy. Unquote.

Berlin: Colonel Klink?
Col. Klink: Yes, I am.
Berlin: You must be Corporal Newkirk.
[Newkirk gulps]
Berlin: [notices that Klink's coat is catching fire from Newkirk's cigar] Colonel, I believe you're on fire.
[Klink nods]
Newkirk: No, I am.
Col. Klink: You're right.
[notices that his coat is smoking]
Col. Klink: FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
[Newkirk throws water onto the smoking spot of Klink's coat]
Newkirk: There, that ought to do it, sir.
Col. Klink: Thank you so much.
Berlin: Corporal Newkirk, Dr. Goebels' most grateful for your contribution to the Third Reich, and of course, to your own country. You will be amply rewarded.
Newkirk: Thank you, Fraulein.
Berlin: Betty?
[looking coyly at Newkirk]
Newkirk: Thank you, Betty. I've already written me speech. Would you like to take a look at it?
[takes out his speech and shows it to Berlin Betty]
Berlin: Yes, I... I believe that will be most effective, but, uh, perhaps we should discuss this privately. Mm?
Col. Klink: And I thought perhaps you might be able to use me on your broadcast. I'm told I have a fantastic voice.
Berlin: Really?
Col. Klink: Oh, yes. In the Luftwaffe, I was always chosen to broadcast from the tower because of my, uh, resonance, my projection, and my incredible diction.
Berlin: How interesting.
Col. Klink: [imitating calling on an airfield radio, with one hand to his ear, simulating an earpiece] Schwartz Airfield calling Messerschmitt 2... 7... 1...
Newkirk: I haven't heard a voice like that since Eric von Stroheim.
Berlin: Now, would you mind, Colonel? I would like to discuss the Corporal's speech with him. Uh, may we use your quarters?
Col. Klink: Why, of course! Everything is ready! Schultz!

Berlin: I think of you as a very young, charming, attractive man, who doesn't want to see his countrymen killed. That is a patriot.
Newkirk: I like that description.
Berlin: Patriot?
Newkirk: Attractive and charming.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: How does he look?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Good enough to shoot.

Kinchloe: How will I sign it?
Col. Hogan: Oh, put a General's name on it. General...
Newkirk: Why not make it General Nuisance?
Col. Hogan: Very good idea. Sign that General Heinrich von Nuisance.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [as German general] Take this man's name, Putzi!
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [as German adjutant] Transfer to the Russian front, sir, or court-martial to be shot?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [as German general] Oh, I don't know. Mix 'em up.

[during a fake air raid]
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Don't keep calm - everybody panic!

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What sort of medals does Klink wear?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Borrowed.

Sgt. Andrew Carter: What about the Blue Baron? Do you think he's gonna leave?
Newkirk: No, he's set his sights on that blonde. I think she's gonna be kill number 76.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [at roll call] Schultz, why don't you take off your shoes and socks? You're running out of fingers.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Err, don't confuse me!
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Hey, Schultz, why don't you count our legs and divide by two?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Quiet!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [jeering] Hey, they're gonna surrender.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Smart move!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [playing along further down the line] Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender.
POW: Who told you?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: I just heard it.
POW: [as some of the prisoners begin to cheer and applaud] Hey, the Krauts are surrenderin'.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Colonel Hogan, control your men.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Aw, I can't, sir. The news of your surrendering is...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Who said anything about a surrender?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You did, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: When?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just now. You used the word yourself.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Only to deny it!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it had to start somewhere.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Silence!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Okay, men! The surrender's off!
[the men vocalize their disappointment]

Newkirk: [Upon seeing Chitterly turning himself in to Sgt. Schultz] Is he one of ours or one of theirs?
Col. Hogan: I think he's one of yours. And you can have him.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Have you got everything straight?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [dressed as Klink] Maybe you better run through it once more. Klink isn't too bright, you know.
[laughs. LeBeau glares at him]
Sgt. Andrew Carter: At 9:55, I go into the station master, and I tell him I have this package that has to go out on the Berlin Express. It's of great military importance.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And if he asks any questions?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: I yell and scream at him, call him a few twelve-letter names, and if he still gives me an argument, I... think of something else.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter, you overpower him quickly and quietly.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: I think it's much safer to think of something else.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Andrew, the station master is a little old man.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Uh-huh, and sometimes little old men have big old guns.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter, civilians aren't allowed to carry firearms, and besides Kinch'll be outside if you need any help.

Agent: You are Papa Bear?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: No, but I'll see that he gets it. I'll put it in his porridge.

Captain: [entering Klink's office] Colonel Klink. Heil Hitler.
Col. Klink: Heil Hitler. Uh, please, Captain. Sit down, sit down.
[closes the door to his office]
Col. Klink: Uh, what can I do for you?
Captain: I have been assigned to Gestapo headquarters in Dusseldorf, but I'm living in Hammelberg at the moment. Hauserhof Hotel, room 209.
Col. Klink: Very interesting. But is it important?
Captain: Very.
Newkirk: [listening in from the coffee pot] What's this Captain's game?
LeBeau: Keep quiet, and maybe we'll find out.
Col. Klink: Of course I remember the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer. Could any loyal German ever forget it?
Captain: I don't think you will. The conspirators are still being rounded up. A very important man was recently arrested. I searched his house.
[takes out a picture from his coat pocket]
Captain: Found this picture and the negatives.
Col. Klink: Mm-hmm.
[looks at the picture and sees himself next to the conspirator]
Col. Klink: No, it's not possible!
Col. Hogan: Klink sounds like he swallowed his monocle.
Kinchloe: Must be some picture.
LeBeau: Klink and a woman, maybe?
Col. Hogan: Impossible. Klink's in love with Klink. Wouldn't let anyone come between himself.
Col. Klink: General Mulendorf.
Captain: That's his arm around your shoulders.
Col. Klink: Yes. We were friends.
Captain: Close friends.
[voice turns stern]
Captain: And very possibly associated in the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer.
Col. Klink: [drops the picture] I knew the man. We went to school together for ten years; saw each other every day. But what's that?
Captain: You were also best man at his wedding.
Col. Klink: Oh, well... I had nothing else to do that afternoon.
Captain: Colonel, I have a problem. If turn this picture into Gestapo headquarters, an innocent man may be executed.
Col. Klink: Innocent?
Captain: You.
Col. Klink: Me? I'm not innocent. I mean, I am innocent. What have I done?
Captain: If I destroy the negative, or... give it to you, I won't exactly be doing my duty, will I?
Col. Klink: No. You do have a problem.
Col. Hogan: Klink's beautiful, isn't he?
Kinchloe: Little Alice in Krautland.
Newkirk: How stupid man one man be?
Col. Hogan: Keep listening. He'll tell you.
Col. Klink: And you expect me to pay your hotel bill?
Captain: In addition to say, a thousand marks right now. While I consider the problem.
Col. Klink: Couldn't you consider the problem a little less expensively?
Captain: The life an innocent kommandant is at stake.
Col. Klink: Oh. I'll get the money out of the safe.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now remember, don't drive it any more than necessary.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Well, we hadn't planned on taking a trip, sir, but why not?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: 'Cause we're paying the kraut sergeant in the motor pool ten cents a mile.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Say, I understand you're counsel for the defense.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: How did it happen?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I'm told that I volunteered.