50 Best Robert Clary Quotes

Carter: You escaped, and that must have been a pretty neat trick.
LeBeau: Yeah, how did you manage to get away?
Colonel: Well, they ordered us into the back of the truck. After the last man was in, I waited for them to make room for me. And while I was waiting, the truck drove off.

Newkirk: Pity you can't talk her out of it, Colonel.
Col. Hogan: Well I can't. And I've tried everything. Believe me, everything.
LeBeau: Yes, we know. You didn't get all the lipstick off.

Col. Hogan: [about Hochsetter] Why did he have to show up?
Kinchloe: What now, Colonel?
Col. Hogan: Well, in about two minutes, they're gonna be on their way to inspect Reich Marshall Goring.
Carter: Schultz?
Col. Hogan: I don't think he's gonna pass inspection.
LeBeau: What happens to Marya?
Newkirk: Never mind that. What happens to us?
Col. Hogan: Nothing good unless we move fast. Carter, get outside and start the attack.
Carter: Yes, sir.
Col. Hogan: Kinch, stay in radio contact with the planes. If they don't get a landing signal, tell them to get out of here and fast.
Kinchloe: Right, Colonel.
Col. Hogan: LeBeau, Newkirk, go with Carter.
LeBeau: Right.
Newkirk: What about you, sir?
Col. Hogan: I'm on my way to Klink's quarters. And don't ask me why, because I don't know.

Captain: [entering Klink's office] Colonel Klink. Heil Hitler.
Col. Klink: Heil Hitler. Uh, please, Captain. Sit down, sit down.
[closes the door to his office]
Col. Klink: Uh, what can I do for you?
Captain: I have been assigned to Gestapo headquarters in Dusseldorf, but I'm living in Hammelberg at the moment. Hauserhof Hotel, room 209.
Col. Klink: Very interesting. But is it important?
Captain: Very.
Newkirk: [listening in from the coffee pot] What's this Captain's game?
LeBeau: Keep quiet, and maybe we'll find out.
Col. Klink: Of course I remember the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer. Could any loyal German ever forget it?
Captain: I don't think you will. The conspirators are still being rounded up. A very important man was recently arrested. I searched his house.
[takes out a picture from his coat pocket]
Captain: Found this picture and the negatives.
Col. Klink: Mm-hmm.
[looks at the picture and sees himself next to the conspirator]
Col. Klink: No, it's not possible!
Col. Hogan: Klink sounds like he swallowed his monocle.
Kinchloe: Must be some picture.
LeBeau: Klink and a woman, maybe?
Col. Hogan: Impossible. Klink's in love with Klink. Wouldn't let anyone come between himself.
Col. Klink: General Mulendorf.
Captain: That's his arm around your shoulders.
Col. Klink: Yes. We were friends.
Captain: Close friends.
[voice turns stern]
Captain: And very possibly associated in the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer.
Col. Klink: [drops the picture] I knew the man. We went to school together for ten years; saw each other every day. But what's that?
Captain: You were also best man at his wedding.
Col. Klink: Oh, well... I had nothing else to do that afternoon.
Captain: Colonel, I have a problem. If turn this picture into Gestapo headquarters, an innocent man may be executed.
Col. Klink: Innocent?
Captain: You.
Col. Klink: Me? I'm not innocent. I mean, I am innocent. What have I done?
Captain: If I destroy the negative, or... give it to you, I won't exactly be doing my duty, will I?
Col. Klink: No. You do have a problem.
Col. Hogan: Klink's beautiful, isn't he?
Kinchloe: Little Alice in Krautland.
Newkirk: How stupid man one man be?
Col. Hogan: Keep listening. He'll tell you.
Col. Klink: And you expect me to pay your hotel bill?
Captain: In addition to say, a thousand marks right now. While I consider the problem.
Col. Klink: Couldn't you consider the problem a little less expensively?
Captain: The life an innocent kommandant is at stake.
Col. Klink: Oh. I'll get the money out of the safe.

Col. Klink: What about Feldcamp?
LeBeau: They thought he was so overworked, they sent him to a rest camp.
Kinchloe: And when he got out, he was so rested, they sent him to the Russian front.
Col. Hogan: Now he's really resting... in peace.
Col. Klink: Poor Feldcamp.

General: [enjoying Klink's accommodating bathhouse] The question is whether to get drunk or drown.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: If you can't make up your mind, sir, why not try a little of both?
[General Burkhalter bursts out laughing]

Inge: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inge Wagner. This is Heidi Baum. And this Anna Mannheim.
LeBeau: LeBeau, Louis. Corporal. 19176546.
Inge: I'd say that you're well-trained for the convention, Corporal LeBeau. And there's nothing in the rules that says you cannot join us for a glass of champagne.
LeBeau: No.
Anna: Won't you sit down please, Corporal LeBeau?
Heidi: [LeBeau sits in a chair] Here, please.
[LeBeau sits down in the couch]
Inge: [pours four glasses of champagne] A toast. To Corporal LeBeau.
[they clink their glasses with one another and laugh]
LeBeau: Call me Louis.
Inge: [later on, after having multiple glasses of champagne] More champagne, Louis?
LeBeau: No more.
Inge: Is there something wrong with the wine? I thought the best champagne came from Reims?
LeBeau: Oh, it does. And also from Epernay.
Heidi: I never heard Epernay.
LeBeau: The most beautiful part of France. My father's family comes from there.
Inge: Ah. Is he also in the wine business?
LeBeau: No. He worked in the railroad yards.
Heidi: That must be fascinating.
LeBeau: I remember as a boy. I... I used to play in the secret tunnel under the tracks, where he used to store the old equipment.
[sighs]
LeBeau: My brother never knew I discovered it.
Inge: Oh, that's a fine story, isn't it?
Heidi: Yes, it is.
Inge: [later on, after flirting with LeBeau for an hour] How is the patè?
LeBeau: Mm. Fantastic.
Inge: We had it sent directly from Strassberg.
LeBeau: The only place for patè.
Inge: You ever been there?
LeBeau: I used to go to visit my friend, Claude Wauthier.
Inge: Wauthier. Isn't he the famous French violinist?
LeBeau: [laughs] No, there's no musical talent at all. His old talent was for making radios.
Inge: [laughs] My brother used to make radios too. He used to talk to people as far away as England.
LeBeau: Oh, Claude spoke to people in England all the time. He even spoke to a man in Australia.
Inge: I find you very fascinating, Louis.
LeBeau: I find you interesting too, Igne.
[kisses her fingers]
LeBeau: I've been with you an hour and you haven't asked me a question yet.
Inge: Oh, that I'd because I know I could never get any information out of you.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: They've given us tough assignments before and we've always been able to think of a way to get them done. They probably just assume we gonna do it the same way with this little problem. Well five men can not hold off a division.
Kinch,200397: Right
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's ridiculous!
Kinch,200397: Right
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It just can't be done!
Kinch,200397: Right
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And here's how we're going to do it...

LeBeau: [Kinch is tasting something he cooked] And the real secret is in the sauerbraten.
Col. Hogan: [walks in on them] Hold it. Hold it. We got trouble. Von Treger just ordered the serial numbers changed on the trucks.
LeBeau: He can't do that!
Col. Hogan: Kinch, get on your horse. You gotta reach Newkirk and Carter before they swing into line with that convoy. Tell them the mission's been scratched.
Kinchloe: Okay.
Col. Hogan: And make it fast, or they swing into line with a firing squad.
Kinchloe: Gotcha.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Where's Schultz?
Kinchloe: Sacking out in my bunk.
LeBeau: Sleeping off his lunch.
Carter: I wonder what he's dreaming about?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: His dinner.

LeBeau: Tomorrow, I go on strike.
Newkirk: That's all you Frenchmen ever do, go on strike.
Kinchloe: And make love.
Newkirk: Yeah, you never hear 'em strikin' about that, do you?

LeBeau: Oh, leave him alone Max. Just put it on my bill.
Sgt. Schultz: How did you know his name was Max?
LeBeau: I never met a man who owned a fruit store whose name wasn't Max.
Sgt. Schultz: What's your name?
Max: Max!

Col. Hogan: Now, who is going to step forward and take this job - Thank You, LeBeau.
LeBeau: I didn't Move A Muscle.
Col. Hogan: You're that Volunteer Look.
LeBeau: That's how I got Married - volunteer the same way.

Col. Klink: I thought you said you fixed the car?
LeBeau: I did. It's perfect.

Sgt. Schultz: I think he wants to talk to you about his new secretary.
LeBeau: He has a new secretary?
Sgt. Schultz: General Burkhalter got her.
Col. Hogan: What does she look like, Schultz?
Sgt. Schultz: General Burkhalter. It's his sister.

LeBeau: Who is a better kisser, me or Colonel Hogan?
Mama: That is a military secret.
[LeBeau kisses her on the side of the forehead; she smiles]

Newkirk: They're really putting the screws on him, aren't they?
Hogan: They have the firing squad taking target practice outside his window.
LeBeau: That's cruel, even for the Bosch.
Hogan: Worse yet, they're using a monocle for a bullseye.
Newkirk: How's Klink taking it?
Hogan: He's taking it like the man that he is... on his knees, sobbing hysterically.

LeBeau: What happened to the plane?
Col. Hogan: Crashed about eight miles from Hammelburg.
Baker: They'll put it together and study it.
Col. Hogan: Good luck to 'em. It had a captured Messerschmitt engine and a P-51 frame.
Sgt. Schultz: Naughty, naughty. I hear nothing. Nothing!

Carter: Hey, I gotta get back.
LeBeau: What's the rush?
Kinchloe: Yeah, Germans having a night roll call too?
Carter: No. They're showing a captured Betty Grable picture and I don't want to miss it.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: They want us to keep those SS troops pinned down here for at least two more days.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: We're supposed to keep 10,000 men pinned down? Did they say how we do that?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: There's only one way. We surround them.

LeBeau: I am not sensitive about my height, but I don't like it that Freddy outranks me.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [jeering] Hey, they're gonna surrender.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Smart move!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [playing along further down the line] Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender.
POW: Who told you?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: I just heard it.
POW: [as some of the prisoners begin to cheer and applaud] Hey, the Krauts are surrenderin'.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Colonel Hogan, control your men.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Aw, I can't, sir. The news of your surrendering is...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Who said anything about a surrender?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You did, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: When?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just now. You used the word yourself.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Only to deny it!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it had to start somewhere.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Silence!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Okay, men! The surrender's off!
[the men vocalize their disappointment]

Sgt. Schultz: Why don't they invite ME to a party?
LeBeau: Schultz, if you were giving a party, would you invite you?

Braden: We'll need fake ID cards, civilian clothes, maps, and money. How about it?
LeBeau: Well, that's possible. Do you have a reservation?
Mills: You mean a guy has to make a reservation for an escape?
LeBeau: Well, we're booked up right through New Year's Eve.

LeBeau: Well, I hope the next war will be friendlier than this one.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
[no response]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What did you say, Schultz?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I said 'Achtung!'
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh. Your bid, Kinch.
Kinch: Two of clubs.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: When I say 'Achtung' that means that you all are to SNAP to attention.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, is that what it means? Huh! I always thought it meant 'Good morning' or 'Greetings, Mate.' Something like that.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: No, no. 'Achtung' is a command. When I say 'Achtung' I want you all to come to attention at once.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: I wasn't sure what that one meant myself. It always sounded like Schultz was just clearing his throat. So that's a command for attention, huh?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: That's right! Now that you all know it...
[Schultz leaves and then re-enters the room]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: And a 'Good morning' to you, too, Schultz.
Kinch: Didn't you hear what Schultz said?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Sure. He said 'Achtung' so I said 'Good morning' right back to him.
Kinch: Achtung doesn't mean 'Good morning.'
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, that's what Newkirk says it means. And who are we gonna believe? One of us or one of them?
Kinch: He's got a point there.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Yes he does! You'd better brush up on your German, Schultz.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yeah, don't use words you're not sure of. In future, to avoid confusion, why don't you just say 'Good Morning' in English?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hi Schultz! Just let us all know when it's time for Roll Call, will you?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl, Colonel Hogan... But it IS time for Roll Call. That's why I came here in the first place! It's almost PAST time for Roll Call!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, you'd never make sergeant in OUR Air Force.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Roll Call! Everybody out, out, out, out, out, out, out! Roll Call! Raus!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Hey Thank you! And a 'Good day' to you, too, Schultz.

LeBeau: Pizza? You would ask a Frenchman to cook a piece of cardboard with tomato sauce?

Sgt. Andrew Carter: You Germans can't get together on *anything.*
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: That's why it's taking them so long to lose the war!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: How true- that's true!
[Sgt. Schultz and Hilda look at each other, and shrug]

Cpl. Louis LeBeau: [Talking French to Lt. DuBois]
Sgt. Schultz: Don't talk in a language no one understands.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: I understand it.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Carry on, but quietly, I have lots of work to do.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [mockingly] Lot of work to do.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: The new girlie magazines must be in from Paris.

Newkirk: Returned from scout mission, sir!
Col. Hogan: Did you see where the codebook was?
Newkirk: Nothing escaped these eagle eyes, sir. It was on old Klink's desk.
LeBeau: You would think he put it in a real hiding place.
Col. Hogan: Why should he? As far as he knows, it's just a book on personal hygiene. All right, you men know what to do. Battle stations.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [siren] Hold it. We got company. Two goons from the Cafe.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Hey, they're stopping right here.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Uh-Huh.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: The Gestapo!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well it ain't Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I'm going to need a few things, you know.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: What for?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You don't think I'd let a Frenchman make the tea, do you? He doesn't have a clue.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Don't they drink tea in France?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: We don't drink anything we don't stomp on.

Baroness: Colonel, I will be safe here?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Not if I can help it.

LeBeau: Does your wife ever make strudel?
Sgt. Schultz: Oh please, don't mention my wife, even in the dark.
LeBeau: Why? She doesn't cook very good?
Sgt. Schultz: Since the war, she works in a munitions factory lifting up big heavy gun barrels.
LeBeau: Hey, that's a hard job.
Sgt. Schultz: Ja. If they ever find out that she's a woman, they'll fire her.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Uh, welcome aboard Stalag 13 Airlines. Anything we can do to make your flight more comfortable, please feel free to call upon us.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Colonel Hogan is your pilot, we are your stewards, Sgt. Carter is your bombardier.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau: You're wasting your time, Major Hochstetter. You're not gonna get anything out of me.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I haven't asked you anything yet.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: All you're gonna get is my name, rank and serial number.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: And a dancing lesson.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: A dancing lesson?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: And if you ever tell anyone, I will have you kept in this cooler for a year.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Under the Geneva Convention, I don't have to teach you to dance.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [draws gun, pointing it to LeBeau's head] Take your choice, huh: waltz, foxtrot, or shot as an escaping prisoner.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Foxtrot.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: How does he look?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Good enough to shoot.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [coaxed into reading Göring's propaganda speech] "Former members of a second-rate air force..." You don't want to hear it.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yes, we do, Schultz. We'd like to hear the speech. Right, fellas?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Sure. Let's hear the speech. Speech! Speech!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: "Why are you continuing to rot in our escape-proof prisons?" Figure of speech.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sure, sure.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Eh, "Face the fact that your side is losing the war."
Sgt. Andrew Carter: WE'RE losing?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Somebody's losing it. That's the important point. Eh, "Why not put your training to a useful purpose? Help the Luftwaffe shape the society of the future in the skies of Europe. We offer you a chance to get in on the ground floor and become a part of the glorious history of the thousand-year Reich!"

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: It is about his defense counsel. Colonel Hauptmann is a very lucky man.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Who's defending him?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Klink?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Klink?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Klink?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You don't mean our Klink. I mean, the Klink here - you don't mean him.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, Kommandant Klink, a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.

General: We have a report of a threat of an avalanche in Hoffenstein pass. The slightest noise could trigger it.
LeBeau: What? I mean,
[shouting]
LeBeau: WHAT?
General: It would take more than that, Corporal.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Maybe it's some kind of a new secret weapon.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Then why did they bring it in here?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They know it's safe. The Allies won't bomb a prisoner of war camp.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Now, you see, that wouldn't be cricket.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Hey, gang! What about if we find out what it is and, if it's important enough, we get London to bomb the camp? That'd be great!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [leading him to the front door and opening it] Carter. Out.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Schultz says I might get shot.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's right.

Major: [talking into a phone in Col. Klink's office] I suggest you call your top Intelligence people immediately to get my report.
Col. Klink: So you are really German? You know, the moment you came in, I said to myself, "That American officer's a German agent." I could sense it.
Major: One hour? Good. Yes, the Tempelhof Hotel tonight at 9:00. I'll arrange transportation from here from Colonel Klinkel.
Col. Klink: Klink! K-L-I...
Major: Oh, it was really quite simple. I cut a few lines, the plane lost power, and then I directed them to a field that I previously selected. The fools even considered me a hero.
Lieutenant J.B. Miller: [listening in with Col. Hogan and his crew, enraged] Major Martin, a German spy. Boy, that...
[attempts to leave, but Col. Hogan holds him back]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hold it. Hold it. That's not gonna do any good.
LeBeau: There's nothing we can do.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [sighs] Maybe there is.
Major: Hi Hitler.
Col. Klink: Fascinating. You know, I should be an espionage worker. I have a great talent for it. Even as a boy, I used to write messages in invisible ink.
[pause]
Col. Klink: Lemon juice.
Major: Colonel, you never asked for my credentials.
Col. Klink: Ah, there's no need for it. As I told you, I knew the very minute...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's it. Baker, I'm gonna need a phone tap. Miller, listen to everything he says. Carter...
[motions for Carter to come closer]
Major: You heard me, Colonel, I require a car. Have it ready in 15 minutes.
Col. Klink: As a matter of fact, I could even attend the meeting with you.
Major: Where can I wash up?
Col. Klink: Oh, use my quarters. You know, I could be of great help to your espionage work. From my study of Allied prisoners, I could even get a small, little talk. Something about "know your enemy"...
[Strausser walks into Klink's quarters and slams the door in Klink's face]

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [as if gazing into the future through a German stick grenade] The war games they're having tomorrow: I see casualties. Lots of casualties.
Kinchloe: Casualties in war games?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Ah, a few get hurt, sir.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I see a lot more than a few.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: You want us to take on a whole SS regiment?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No. We let them take on each other. Now picture if you will the fascinating consequences if this dummy ammunition, if used in the war games, is sprinkled with a goodly amount of the real McCoy.

[Anticipating the Gestapo questioning him the next day leaves Klink too agitated to sleep]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What we need is a nice, friendly, understanding Gestapo agent to question him.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Those kind are a little tough to find aren't they, sir?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [an idea] Oh, I don't know.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [walking over to Carter] You just have to know where to look.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [spooked] Why you lookin' at me, sir?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [clicking fingers] Wardrobe?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, sir. One Gestapo outfit, a medium.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [clicking fingers] Makeup?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Coming right up.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Colonel, there's no such things as an interlocking granistan joint.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why didn't you tell me that before? You know I hate to lie to the Germans.

LeBeau: Gee, I couldn't help from being late, Colonel. The Patrol stop me. The area was crawling with krauts. I had to make a big detour to get back.
Carter: You could have moved a little faster.
LeBeau: Oh-yeah? I'm dressed like a little old woman. And, why would a little old woman be running through the woods? You tell me that.
Newkirk: You always say you were being chased by a little old man.

LeBeau: Boy, I miss all the action.
Col. Hogan: Stop complaining. This whole operation depends on you. You all set?
LeBeau: Sure, I cook while everybody else fights a war.
Col. Hogan: I'll see that de Gaulle gives you an oak leaf cluster and a Crêpe Suzette, now move.

Col. Hogan: How long did it take us to dig that tunnel to the barbed-wire fence?
LeBeau: Well, we used eight men and as I remember, it took us about...
Kinchloe: Sixteen hours.
LeBeau: Yeah, sixteen hours.
Col. Hogan: All right, this is twice the distance. How long will it take to get to the girls?
Newkirk: About a hour and a half, sir.
LeBeau: We wouldn't let you dig this alone.
Newkirk: Well, with help, twenty minutes.