The Best Major Martin Quotes

Major: [talking into a phone in Col. Klink's office] I suggest you call your top Intelligence people immediately to get my report.
Col. Klink: So you are really German? You know, the moment you came in, I said to myself, "That American officer's a German agent." I could sense it.
Major: One hour? Good. Yes, the Tempelhof Hotel tonight at 9:00. I'll arrange transportation from here from Colonel Klinkel.
Col. Klink: Klink! K-L-I...
Major: Oh, it was really quite simple. I cut a few lines, the plane lost power, and then I directed them to a field that I previously selected. The fools even considered me a hero.
Lieutenant J.B. Miller: [listening in with Col. Hogan and his crew, enraged] Major Martin, a German spy. Boy, that...
[attempts to leave, but Col. Hogan holds him back]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hold it. Hold it. That's not gonna do any good.
LeBeau: There's nothing we can do.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [sighs] Maybe there is.
Major: Hi Hitler.
Col. Klink: Fascinating. You know, I should be an espionage worker. I have a great talent for it. Even as a boy, I used to write messages in invisible ink.
[pause]
Col. Klink: Lemon juice.
Major: Colonel, you never asked for my credentials.
Col. Klink: Ah, there's no need for it. As I told you, I knew the very minute...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's it. Baker, I'm gonna need a phone tap. Miller, listen to everything he says. Carter...
[motions for Carter to come closer]
Major: You heard me, Colonel, I require a car. Have it ready in 15 minutes.
Col. Klink: As a matter of fact, I could even attend the meeting with you.
Major: Where can I wash up?
Col. Klink: Oh, use my quarters. You know, I could be of great help to your espionage work. From my study of Allied prisoners, I could even get a small, little talk. Something about "know your enemy"...
[Strausser walks into Klink's quarters and slams the door in Klink's face]

Major: [in disbelief] You're an American.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Someone around here has to be.