Top 50 Quotes From Leon Askin

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [talking with Colonel Becker] General Burkhalter tells me that you are the commandant of a POW camp, just like me.
General: Not like you. He knows what he's doing.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, is there anything I can get you, General, before you go to sleep - perhaps a glass of warm milk?
General: Warm milk?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah, I always have a glass before bedtime makes me sleep like a baby.
General: Take my word, Klink, this is no time to be a sound sleeper.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, I appreciate your concern, General, but I can assure you, you need not worry about my life being in danger.
General: I'm not worried about your life. If they get you, I am next.

Colonel: [ordering the others out of the room] I have observed that the psychic communication between Hogan and Schultz is very close. I must explore the matter further alone. Take a bottle and do not hurry back.
General: But, uh where is there to go in a prison camp?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah, leave that to me, General Burkhalter. The moonlight- it's beautiful on the laundry or the bakery. Oh, unforgettable.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [after realizing that he was duped into thinking Klink was an enemy spy in disguise] How do you volunteer for the Eastern Front?
General: No problem. I'll have you there by tomorrow.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [reading a list of invited people to the meeting] It doesn't have the name "Colonel Klink" in there. Probably an oversight at headquarters.
General: I consider it the perfect oversight.

Col. Hogan: You need the P-51 - now?
General: I want you to go to England, steal one of the planes and fly it back to us.
Col. Hogan: Is THAT all you want? You didn't have to give me a good meal just for that.
Col. Klink: Excellent, Hogan! Excellant!
Col. Hogan: I would have said "drop dead" on an EMPTY stomach.

General: [to Klink and Schultz] You two are the only ones that could bring the Third Reich to it's knees.

General: [catching Schultz asleep] On your feet Schultz!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: General Burkhalter, what are you doing here?
General: First suppose you tell me what you were doing there.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well...
General: Your lying!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You see...
General: Enough! I don't want to hear any more of your lies.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: That's the only one I had.

[Klink brags that he is in tip-top physical shape]
General: Physical fitness is one thing. Mental fitness, that's another.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: General Burkhalter, What an unexpected pleasure to see you again sir.
General: Unexpected, Yes. Pleasure, No.

General: If I send you two clowns to the Russian front, I would be shot for treason.

General: Klink! I'm warning you. Keep your costs down, put your house in order, or the next time you want caviar, you won't have to import it - you can catch your own on the Volga.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: But you'll have to eat it there. You can't take it home, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: General, I promise you, I will bring all my skill and my intelligence to bear on this problem.
General: Who knows? You may be able to solve it anyway.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: What brings you to Stalag 13?
Gen. der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Captain Ritter has been ordered to acquaint himself with Luftwaffe prisoner-of-war facilities.
Capt. Ritter: The general was kind enough to let me tag along on the inspection tour.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I'm at your disposal, Captain. I will give you any information that I have.
Capt. Ritter: Danke, Herr Colonel.
Gen. der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: You may learn a few things anyway.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Burkhalter arrives by car] Ah, General Burkhalter, it's been such a long time.
General: Not long enough, Klink.

General: And if anything happens to this masterpiece, Klink, I will have the pleasure of shooting you personally.
Col. Klink: Oh please, Herr General, I, I, I, I...
General: It almost would be worth losing the picture.

Major: May I ask, do you really suspect Colonel Klink of disloyalty?
General: Disloyalty? No. Stupidity? Yes.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: I was prepared to be ignorant, Herr General, just as you ordered.
General: The most unnecessary orders I ever gave.

General: Colonel Hogan is leaving.
[Schultz shakes Colonel Hogan's hand]
General: DUMMKOPF!
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: GET HIM OUT OF HERE! RAUS! RAUS! RAUS!
[Colonel Hogan leaves]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [opens the door] AND STAY OUT!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Klink explaining the purchasing plan] I understand they're already beginning to call it the "Klink Plan".
General: Oh? Who calls it the "Klink Plan"?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, some of the gang back at the stalag.

General: [enjoying Klink's accommodating bathhouse] The question is whether to get drunk or drown.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: If you can't make up your mind, sir, why not try a little of both?
[General Burkhalter bursts out laughing]

General: You have become very social, you three.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, it's just a discussion of prison problems, General Burkhalter. We never stop trying to build better mousetraps.
General: You take me for a fool, Klink? Do you not know that I have my sources of information? Vhen I see my colonels getting together for a little chat, I know what they are talking about - a plot... to replace me.
[the three colonels talk over each other to deny this]
General: Stop pretending! I only want to know one thing - who will save his skin by informing on the other two?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I believe that General Burkhalter knows that, as a man of honor, I would never inform on my fellows officers were I involved in a conspiracy; however, since I'm completely innocent and it was all the idea of Bussie and Bermeister...
[Bussie vehemently berates Klink about it being all his idea while Bermeister denies involvement]
General: Quiet! You're all under arrest in quarters. I will see that you get a fair trial immediately, after which you will be shot.

General: You will have a fair trial...
General: Then you will be shot!

General: You're a good-looking girl. You'd make somebody a good wife.
Gertrude: I would like to get married again if the right man came along.
General: Even if the wrong man comes along, you'd better grab him. Beggars can't be choosers, you know.

General: We will take you to a channel port. A boat will be provided, you will cross to England and report you have escaped from Stalag 13.
Col. Hogan: Who's going to accompany me?
General: A Luftwaffe officer.
Col. Hogan: Well, he'll have to know something about Stalag 13. They'll interrogate us.
General: Exactly. That's why I've chosen Col. Klink.
Col. Klink: [shocked] Me?
Col. Hogan: General, you didn't mention anything about this being a suicide mission.

Colonel: The SS has no friends.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, sir, I think you've got a good idea on that. After all, when you add up what you spend on dinner parties, luncheons, gifts, I mean, aha, who needs the expense of friendship when a little hatred doesn't cost you a cent?
General: [smiling dangerously] Shall we let Colonel Stieffer talk for a change?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, sir. Schultz! Not another word out of you until the colonel is finished.

General: My informants are my own, and I personally dictated your confession so that I'm sure it is correct.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Klink thinks Burkhalter is there to make him marry his sister Gertrude] Well, you see, sir, this is very difficult for me to say, but, uh, I feel in my heart that I am not worthy of Gertrude.
General: I feel the same way.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Then why do you want me to marry her?
General: Are you crazy, Klink? It's my niece, Frieda, and she's marrying Count Von Hertzel.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Count Von Hertzel?
General: Do you think I would ever let a Burkhalter marry a Klink?

General: I never want to hear about the Air Corps again!
[Col. Klink starts playing the Air Corps Hymn on his violin]

Col. Wilhelm Klink: ...I'm really not in need of another officer.
General: Klink, this transfer is an order from the highest authority in the Third Reich.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The highest? The Fuhrer?
General: Higher than that. My wife.

General: But is Hogan ready to tell us about the Norden?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I have been working on him, Herr General. Even if I say so myself, when I turn on the charm, I can be irresistible.
General: I have never had any trouble resisting you.

Riva: Captain, one point to remember, if it weren't for us habitual offenders, you would have nothing to do.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, the Baron was clever all right but not quite clever enough. Now, heh-heh, I don't want to sound like I'm blowing my own horn but...
General: You sound like a whole brass band.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well I just wanted you to hear that I... I... I...
General: A shut mouth, Klink, that's what I would like to hear.

General: We are here on a rather delicate matter - internal service politics.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You have certainly come to the right man for delicate matters.
General: Your career is a delicate matter.

General: I assume you have set up a strong guard for the plane?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, Herr General. I've doubled the tower guards, the searchlights. You can depend on me. I've seen to it personally.
General: Personally? In that case, I'd better check it myself.

Col. Hogan: [about the blackmailer] Have her arrested, she sends the pictures to your wife, your wife has YOU arrested.
General: My wife?
Col. Hogan: Yeah, you remember her, the little woman with the big temper.
General: This was an innocent party!
Col. Klink: It was an innocent party!
General: Keep out of this.
Col. Klink: Yes, sir. It wasn't innocent at all.
General: SHUT UP!

Riva: You are here because Captain Corba had decided to kill you.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [as Klink and Burkhalter are walking toward the plane] There is nothing to worry about, Herr General. I gave orders to shoot anyone who comes near the plane. Shoot first and ask questions later. That's what I said.
General: [Burkhalter stops] Shoot anyone?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Anyone!
General: [Burkhalter and Klink run away] Don't you think you'd better recall that order before we go near that plane?

General: We just want to ask you a few question, Sgt. Schultz.
Sgt. Schultz: Forgive me, sir. Private Schultz.
Maj. Hochstetter: Private?
General: Back to private? When did this happen?
Sgt. Schultz: Shortly after I fell through the Colonel's bedroom door. Very shortly after.

General: Klink and my sister were practically engaged.
Major: Oh. That would be reasonable motivation for suicide.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Not one prisoner has escaped from this camp.
General: It is hard to dig a tunnel when you're holding your sides laughing.

Colonel: In case I'm, uh, recommended for promotion - not that I'm asking you, sir - I'm sure that the board will take my extremely marvelous physical fitness into consideration.
General: Physical fitness is one thing. Mental fitness - that's another.

General: Klink, the Gestapo will have men all around us.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I would feel a lot easier if they had a few in front of us.

General: The late general and I were classmates.
Col. Klink: What did he die of, sir?
Hugo: A sudden transfer to the Russian front.
General: There's a lot of that going around now.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Burkhalter enters Klink's office] What a pleasure to see you, sir.
General: Klink, how is it that you get so much more pleasure out of seeing me than I do out of seeing you?

General: I'm going to personally fire this rocket at England.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: General Burkhalter, may I have the honor please, sir?
General: Of course, Klink.
[Klink fires the rocket which goes immediately off course]
General: Klink! England is that way!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I can't understand what went wrong General Burkhalter.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What's over that way?
General: My house, for one thing.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [the rocket crashes in the distance and explodes] Well, General, I've always thought it was a lousy neighborhood anyway.

General: [to Klink] According to our records, you have done a remarkable job here at Stalag 13, you're an exceptional kommandant, and you're an officer of superior ability.
Sgt. Schultz: [in Klink's defense] Lies! All lies!

General: The Gestapo never makes a mistake. They pride themselves on being right every time.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: And half the time they are.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: A-ha, those Staff Officers they are so clever.
General: Klink! I am a Staff Officer!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I did not mean you, sir. You're not clever.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: If you will excuse me, I would like to go to Hammelburg.
General: Of course. I know you have some shopping to do.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I have to buy a bathing suit.
General: A bathing suit? For Stalingrad?

General: Having a good time, Hogan?
Col. Hogan: [sitting between Eva and Greta] Beautiful. They didn't promise anything like this at the induction center.