250 Best Three's Company Quotes

Jack: [pushes his bicycle inside, seems to be attached to it] Oh, Chrissy, can you help me?
[his trouser leg is stuck]
Chrissy: What's the matter?
Jack: My pants got caught in the chain.
Janet: [finishes on phone] Okay, bye-bye.
[to: ]
Janet: I hate to be the one to tell you, but your bike's got a limp.
Jack: Will you help me or what?
Chrissy: What do you want us to do?
Jack: Uh... well, here, I'll hold the bike while you take off my pants.
Janet: I'm busy.
Chrissy: So am I.
Jack: What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a man's bicycle before?

Janet: [as they return] Boy, oh boy, Chrissy. Really?
Chrissy: Yeah. The nerve of that guy! First he makes a date with me and then he asks me to wear the short shorts I wore to the office picnic.
Janet: Well, what did you tell him?
Chrissy: That I'm not going out with any guy who's only interested in me for my *clothes.*
Janet: [smiles] Good for you.
Chrissy: But that's not it. Then he looked at me and he said he'd go out with me if I didn't wear anything at *all.*
Janet: I hope you told him off.
Chrissy: I certainly will. He's picking me up at seven.

Janet: What's the boat for?
Cindy: It's for the swimming pool.
Jack: We don't have a pool.
Cindy: I thought Chrissy said everyone down here had a pool.
Jack: Ours was stolen.

Larry: What I wrote here should... Uh-oh.
Jack: Let me see this.
Jack: [Reading] "Grand opening, a new French restaurant. Jack's Bistro. Saturday the 14th..."
Jack: [Exasperated] That's next Saturday.

Chrissy: You can run from love, you can run from war, you can run from the cop on the beat. You can run from danger, you can run from a stranger, but you can't run away from your feet.

Chrissy: I once had a date with a basketball player.
Jack: Oh, how was he?
Chrissy: So-so.
Jack: Wasn't he good company?
Chrissy: I don't know. He was so tall, everything he said went right over my head.

Mrs. Hollins: [the lady from the pet shop who"s looking after the parakeet] I'm Mrs. Hollins. I just came over to see his little friend.

Janet: [re her sister Jenny] I want you to know that this is not just another pretty face. At college, this little kid is on the Dean's list.
Chrissy: Oh, really? I used to get into a lot of trouble at school too.

Harriet: [about her husband] You know he cheated on his first wife with his secretary?
Cindy: He told you that?
Harriet: I was his secretary...

Jack: I know what you do at night, and if it seems like work to you, you're doing it wrong.
Larry: That's not funny.

Larry: You see, Chrissy, we men need proof we're lovable and desirable too. If we didn't... well, you see what it's done to Jack.
Chrissy: Oh, yeah. Do you know he actually let that woman pay his way last night?
Larry: No! I never thought he'd stoop so low!
Chrissy: He stooped all the way down to the floor! He thought the roast beef would hide him, but it rolled away!

Jack: [re aftershave lotion] Here, take a whiff. Doesn't this make you want to tear off my clothes?
Chrissy: No, it makes me wish we had separate bathrooms.

Chrissy: [as Janet is about to hammer in a nail] Try to do that without making any noise.

Jack: You know something, Chrissy? You are *the* perfect date.
Chrissy: Why?
Jack: Because no matter what happens, I know you're coming back home with me.

Ralph: I gotta be going, so would you please explain this bill for the paint?
[hands it over to Jack]
Chrissy: Yeah, somebody painted the inside of his mailbox, and he wants us to pay for it!
Ralph: [yells] Will you forget about my mailbox? Let's just say I found the bill for the paint under my door!
Chrissy: Oh, what color did you paint under your door?
Ralph: [exasperated] I didnt paint...! What are you even talking about?
[to: ]
Ralph: I'm not paying for any paint you use in the kitchen!
Jack: Well, neither am I!
Ralph: Oh, yes, you are!
Jack: Look, Mr. Furley, why can't we...
Ralph: The answer is *no!*
[storms: ]
Ralph: Why can't I be that way with my brother and Lana?

Chrissy: Jack, I have a two-part question... Why?
Jack: How is that a two-part question?
Chrissy: [turning to Janet] We both wanna know!

Chrissy: [re failed date] I can't believe he has the nerve to ask me to go on one of those back-to-nature weekends.
Janet: Oh, what's wrong with that?
Chrissy: His idea of back-to-nature is stripping in the living room!

Janet: [knows full well grumpy landlord came to complain about the noise] Mr. Furley, how nice of you to drop by. It's been such a quiet day.
Ralph: Quiet? Quiet? What are you people doing up here, bouncing bricks?

Cindy: If my man was cheating on me I'd break every bone in his body!
Jack: You'll do that on your wedding night.

Stanley: [blowing up balloon for the surprise birthday party] Boy, you need a lot of air for this.
Helen: I picked the right man for the job.
[grins]
Stanley: Have you any idea where you'd like me to put these balloons?
Helen: Yes.
[wicked grin, then shrugs]
Helen: But just hang them on the wall.

Chrissy: Are you going out?
Janet: I told you I'm staying in to relax.
Chrissy: Yeah, nobody asked me either.
Janet: Yes, Chrissy, I'm going through a dry spell too.
[picks up the phone that's been silent]
Janet: Boy, Chrissy, you know, there are thousands of guys out there, and they all have telephones, but not one of them bothers to call us up.
[gets notion]
Janet: Oh, on the other hand, why do we have to stay in 'cause nobody bothered to call us up? What's the matter with us taking each other out?
Chrissy: It's cheaper the other way.
Janet: Come on, Chrissy, we can have a good time without men.
Chrissy: Yeah! Yeah.
[thinks: ]
Chrissy: How?

Jack: [barges into the bathroom where his two roommates are putting up a shower curtain] Hi, honeys, I'm home.
Janet: [annoyed] Why didn't you knock first?
Chrissy: Yeah!
Jack: Why?
Chrissy: 'Cause I might not have been decent.
Jack: It's all right. I looked first to make sure.
[smiles]
Chrissy: That's okay then.

Larry: I just wanted to know if you wanted to spend an evening with a beautiful, young lady.
Jack: No thanks, pal. I'd rather spend an evening with Janet.

Jack: [upright, stuck in sleeping bag] Lana, am I glad to see you!
Lana: [exults] Oh!
Jack: Could you please unzip me?
Lana: [elated] I thought you'd never ask!

Stanley: I'm a married man, Helen. What am I gonna do with a beach full of naked women?
Helen: Good Lord, he's even forgotten that.

Jack: [pretends to be gay] It's no use, Lana. A leopard cannot change its spots.
Lana: [amorous] No, but it can climb up a different tree once in a while.

Helen: Stanley, you can't play a bugle at a wedding. It's not appropriate.
Stanley: Why not? It started all the other wars.

Jack: [pleased to have been called into the girls" bedroom] Why didn't you say it was important?
Chrissy: I didn't wanna disturb you.
Jack: Chrissy, the day you stop to disturb me is the day I run off to see my doctor.

[first lines]
Helen: [laughing as she regales the youngsters] And then - and then there was this woman who was always behind in her rent. And
[snickers]
Helen: one day she came down to our apartment with dollar bills stuck all over her nude body. And she said to Stanley, she said "Well, if you want your rent, you're just gonna have to take it off me."
[laughs]
Janet: Oh, Mrs. Roper, did he?
Helen: Yeah, he did. But I made him leave the room while I took the last three dollars.

Chrissy: Oh, Jack, I want you to do something in my bedroom too!
Jack: That's an even better idea!
[imitates bawdy dancing]
Janet: Wait. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. And just what did you have in mind?

Terri: Oh, there are lies and there are lies, but the biggest lie of all is when someone tells the truth because they don't see you there!

Felipe: Fooor shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame!

Jack: And speaking of current events, did you read the *big* news in the paper this morning?
Chrissy: The May Company is having a huge sale on pantyhose.
Jack: Excuse me, Chrissy, that's not exactly a current event.
Chrissy: It is so, it's going on right now.

Jack: [consoling after failure] Chrissy, lots of people have trouble selling at first.
Chrissy: [sobbing profusely] Not like me! Two men walked away, and another made me write a letter to his wife!
Janet: [puzzled] Why?
Chrissy: [very, very upset] Because I spilled a bottle of perfume all over his pants!

Chrissy: [to Martha] You know, if you knew what Jack was gonna do to you, you wouldn't be doing what you are doing now.

Cindy: How could you guys think I was pregnant?
Jack: Well, you keep bumping into things.

Janet: [Larry's on his knees, pleading with Jack to come along camping] Look! An old-fashioned proposal!
Chrissy: Larry...
Larry: Huh?
Chrissy: I don't think Jack's ready to settle down yet and have babies.
[gives that snorting laugh again]

Ralph: [pouring drinks as Jack enters, thinks he's talking to Lana] Don't be nervous. Come in and get your giggle-water.

Ralph: Today I'm wearing my landlord hat, and I wanna speak to the man of the house. Unless he's painting his toenails.
[gives snort of derision]

Chrissy: [Jack reckons burglars wouldn't be interested in their property] Well, I've got a lot of things worth taking.
Jack: Yeah, but when you leave you take them with you.

Stanley: [has read in what he thinks is Chrissy's diary that she loves him] It's not a secret anymore, Chrissy.
Chrissy: [doesn't know what Mr. Roper's talking about] Oh, good.

Leo: Do you, uh, live with these two girls?
Jack: Oh, yeah!
[Leo gives a conspiratory wink]

Janet: Chrissy, your dad is a minister, what does he usually say to couples in trouble?
Chrissy: He tells them to keep the baby.

Chrissy: [after Jack complained to Mr. Furley about the thermostat] What did he say?
Jack: He said "It's never cold in California!"

Jack: Okay, Chrissy, what's this Bustamante's address? I - I gotta get this money back to him right away.
Chrissy: Oh, you don't have to worry. He said when it was time he'd come looking for you.

Chrissy: [to squabbling 'bed partners' Jack and 75-year-old Leo] Now go to sleep like good little boys.

Jack: [Cindy's arrival has caused chaos] I hope Hurricane Cindy is just passing through.

Jack: [spoiled patient] Oh, Chrissy, you're a regular Florence Nightingale!
Chrissy: Aw, I don't sing that well.

Jack: [re refrigerator not working] Have you ever tried pouring freezing milk over cereal? It's the first time I've ever heard Rice Krispies go snap, crackle and brrr!

Jack: Good morning! Coffee, toast and the Sunday paper just for you.
Chrissy: Oh!
[but no, it's for Janet, because Jack is after her Frank Sinatra tickets]
Chrissy: Well, what about me?
Jack: Oh, good morning to you too.

Larry: [handing over records] I got all the latest albums. There's Sour Milk, Wormrot, and Spoiled Meat. The party's gonna be great tonight!
Janet: It will be if we all don't get food poisoning.

Chrissy: Thinking is a lot of hard work, Janet. It takes a lot of thought.

Janet: Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't tell anybody you're a chef, okay?
Jack: Okay, mum's the word.
Janet: Well, it's not that there's anything wrong with what you do, Jack. It's just that... everybody here looks so important and we want to make a good impression. Well, you understand, don't you?
Jack: *Of course*, pumpkin.
Janet: Oh, thanks.
Jack: You're ashamed of me!

Max: [the bartender is admiring April, and Max, noticing this, grabs him roughly] Keep it up, and the next girl you'll be staring at will be a nurse.

Janet: What's the matter?
Chrissy: Why?
Janet: Oh! You look so depressed.
Chrissy: I am.
Jack: Well, hey, I know how to cheer you up. Chrissy, there was this monkey, you see...
Chrissy: Jack, I don't wanna be cheered up. That will only depress me.
Jack: Oh.
[gives confused frown at Janet]
Janet: [leans over table towards her friend] Chrissy, Chrissy, this isn't like you... Being depressed.
Chrissy: That's what's depressing me!
Janet: Oh.
Chrissy: Don't you understand? You both have good moods, bad moods, inbetween moods like normal people. I have to go through life all the time always being happy, always being cheerful, always being...
Jack: Hold it, hold it! You're unhappy right now!
Chrissy: That doesn't count.
Jack: Why?
Chrissy: Being unhappy because you're not unhappy is just as bad as being happy!
Jack: Oh!
[exasperated, plops his forehead down onto the table]

Jack: Don't forget you're engaged to Larry!
Gloria: I'm getting married, not buried! Larry will be out bowling every Wednesday.
Jack: No, Gloria, Larry doesn't bowl.
Gloria: We'll teach him!

Chrissy: Jack, that smells good.
Jack: Chrissy, I haven't even started cooking yet.
Chrissy: Well, you better hurry up and start cooking so you can catch up with the smell.

Lana: [as Mr. Furley enters] Just the man who I wanted to see.
Ralph: Well, feast your eyes, Lana, but try to control yourself in front of the children.
Lana: [pays all of that no heed] I want my apartment repainted.
Ralph: Well now, that's not up to me. I'll have to ask my brother, he's the owner, I'm just the manager.
Lana: And I would also like shelves put up in my closet.
Ralph: Ugh. Look, after that *last* job I did for you, my brother warned me about spending too much money. I'm liable to get fired here.
Lana: And I'd like it all done by Friday.
[turns to leave]
Lana: Bye-bye, girls.
Chrissy: Goodbye, Lana!
Ralph: But, Lana, I...
[realizes she's left]
Ralph: I'm not gonna do it!
Lana: [pops back in] Make that Thursday!
[pops back out]
Ralph: Thursday, right!
[as the door slams, he covers his face with his hands]
Ralph: Why can't I learn to say no?
Chrissy: You say no to Jack!
Ralph: You're darn right I do! Where is he? He left this bill for some paint inside my mailbox.
Chrissy: Oh, what color did you paint the inside of your mailbox?
Ralph: I did not paint the inside of my mailbox.
Chrissy: Oh, we'll be glad to lend you some of our paint we have left over from the kitchen cabinet.
Ralph: [gives up on that, turns to Janet] Can I talk to you for a minute?
Janet: [nods] Sure.
Ralph: This was inside my mailbox.
Janet: I hope it didn't get paint all over it.
Ralph: There isn't any paint in my mailbox! I don't know what you're talking about!
Janet: [front door opens] Oh, Jack! Jack, come here! Mr. Furley's got a problem!
Jack: I don't wanna hear any problems. I've got enough of my own.
Janet: What's wrong?
Jack: Travis wants me to cook for a dinner party he's having for free!
Chrissy: Why didn't you tell him you couldn't make it?
Jack: Oh, I tried, Chrissy, but he's one of those people who sound so positive. You know, he's a real authority figure, and that always wipes me out.
Ralph: Sounds like my brother Bart, the big dictator!
Janet: Poor Jack, you have got to learn how to say no!
Jack: Yeah, who teaches that?
Chrissy: My mother. On my first date, she really showed me how to say no.
Jack: How?
Chrissy: She went along with me.
Janet: [to Jack] You know what? It sounds to me like you need Dr. Prescott.
Jack: Who's he?
Chrissy: Oh, he's a psychologist. He's an expert on assertiveness training.
[nods]
Chrissy: He wrote that book Yes Is A Four-Letter Word.
Jack: No, I don't think a book will help me.
Chrissy: Well, if you don't agree with someone, you can just hit him over the head with it.
Jack: Chrissy...
Chrissy: Especially if it's a heavy subject.

Janet: [re Larry and Mr. Nessle] They're fighting over Jack!
Chrissy: I wish I knew what perfume he used.

Janet: [looks at menu in French restaurant] Chrissy! Thirty dollars for pressed duck!
Chrissy: I wonder how much it would be if they left it wrinkled?

Ralph: [seeing the handcuffs Jack and Chrissy are wearing] This is a clean, family building... I won't put up with anything kinky!

Janet: [asked the time:] Seven-thirty. Chrissy, your alarm didn't go off.
Chrissy: It never does by itself. You have to shake it first.

Jack: Wait a minute, you'd go to a nude beach and get naked in front of total strangers but you wouldn't in front of me? That doesn't make any sense.
Chrissy: It makes perfect sense. See, I don't know them, and they don't know me and they don't know who they're seeing, and I don't know who's seeing me. But I know you, and you know me, and you know who you're seeing, and I know who's seeing me. And both of them are me! See?
Jack: No, I don't see.
Chrissy: And you're not going to, either.
[out the door]
Jack: I'd undress in front of you!
Janet: Later, Jack, when we need a good laugh.

Jack: [opens door] Oh, look, it's Mr. Furley! Well, maybe he can take care of your bulb, Lana.
Ralph: [enters, has eyes only for Lana] Yeah! I'm great with flowers.
[said in such a way it is clear he considers Lana to be his flower]
Lana: Why don't you go plant yourself?

Jack: [after lugging in party supplies] My arms have grown six inches!
Chrissy: That's better than if they've grown a foot!

Janet: How's married life!
Eleanor: Much better since the divorce.

Chrissy: You talk and I'll type.
Jack: Ok. January 1st. My eyes opened to the dawn of a new year. I looked over and saw Julian's sleeping form. Something stirred within me, some deep primitive lust. I reached over, touched Julian's shoulder and...
[stops reading and eyes widen in disbelief]
Chrissy: Jack...
Jack: Shhh!
Chrissy: What happens when she touched Julian's shoulder?
Jack: Everything. Here, read this entry here.
Chrissy: [reads it in increasing disbelief] Did you see what she did on Washington's birthday?
Jack: Yeah, I'll be old George didn't even do that on his honeymoon.

Chrissy: Will you go upstairs and wait for me?
Elmo: [stammering] Chrissy, I...
Chrissy: [waving her finger in his face] Elmo, go on!
[he hangs his head and saunters away]

Chrissy: You can't kick 3 helpless children out on to the street you wouldn't be able to sleep at night!
Ralph: I can't sleep anyway, you sold my bed!

Chrissy: [re Mr. Roper putting up drape] How's it coming?
Stanley: [hurt himself with pin] Got a band-aid?
Chrissy: Oh, did you hurt yourself?
Helen: Yeah, Stanley's been sticking himself with those drapery pins. I guess his eyes are beginning to go too.
Chrissy: What size of them do you need?
Stanley: You got one big enough to cover her mouth?
[laughs at his own little joke, no one else does, and he tries the pin again]
Stanley: Ow, ow, ow! That went right through my thumb.
Chrissy: Lemme look at it. That's funny, you're not bleeding.
Helen: Well, like everything else about Stanley, it takes a while to get started.

Chrissy: [the parakeet's not in the box Jack sat upon] Of course it isn't. I couldn't leave the poor thing there all night. I let it loose to fly around in the bathroom.

Linda: Jack, remember, while I'm staying here, we've got an arrangement. There's no fooling around.
Jack: I was just looking.
Linda: Yeah, and if your eyes were hands, they'd be under arrest.

Jack: [limping along on crutches] Chrissy, stay close to me, huh? In case I fail, I'd like something soft to land on.

Mrs. Roper: I need a new stove
Stanley: There's nothing wrong with the stove you have, it works just fine.
Mrs. Roper: Well, I better not break up the set.
Stanley: What set?
Mrs. Roper: An old stove, and old husband, and they both take too long to heat up!

Dr. Prescott: BARK! B, be somebody. A, act like somebody. R, react like somebody. K, collect your rewards!
Jack: Don't "collect" begin with a C?
Dr. Prescott: Yes, Tripper, but then that would spell "BARC".

Jack: Did that Indian giver really take his money back?
Chrissy: Jack, that's uncalled for. What a *terrible* way to talk about Rama Mageesh.
Jack: I just wanna find out...
Chrissy: You should never joke about things you don't understand tlll you understand them, and even then you shouldn't joke about them because *you don't understand.* Understand?
[out the room]
Janet: [to Jack] Nice going.
Jack: What did I do?

Chrissy: What he means is if his friend is innocent, would he still be guilty?
Desk: [exasperated] Of what?
Chrissy: Of what he didn't do.

Terri: I just felt sorry for you!
Jack: Sorry for me? Why would anybody feel sorry for me?
Janet: Oh, lots of reasons.

Guru: [to Jack, Janet and Chrissy] We are all brothers and sisters.
Stanley: Do you hear that, Helen? You see what the world is coming to?
Guru: [comes over to Ropers' table] And you are our brother too.
Stanley: That's all that I need, is another relative.

Chrissy: Okay, but I have a date with Elmo. If I'm late, he'll blow his top.
Jack: Don't worry Chrissy.
[taps his temple]
Jack: He has nothing up there that's gonna get hurt in the explosion.

Ralph: This is a respectable building. NO ROMAN ORGIES!

Janet: Have you been down on the beach *all* this time jogging?
Jack: Not all the time. I had to stop and watch some of the girls jiggling. Uh, juggling. Jogging!
Janet: [nods] Yeah, you *had* to watch.
Jack: Well, you know, Janet, it's good to study form.

Janet: Jack, you've been trying to get next to every girl in your school.
Jack: No, this is Debbie. She's the most delicious thing in my entire cooking class.
Chrissy: Well, what competition has she got, a plucked chicken?
[snorts with laughter]

Chrissy: I woke up with a headache this morning.
Helen: So did I.
Chrissy: Mine was pounding.
Helen: Mine was snoring.
[both laugh]

Ralph: There's a retired librarian who would just love to live here.
Janet: Aw, I think four people would be a bit too crowded.

Stanley: Will you put some clothes on? My wife's here!
Helen: Mind your own business, Stanley.
Stanley: What if the towel slips?
Helen: Mind your own business, Stanley.
Chrissy: Jack, you have some shaving cream on your face.
Jack: Oh, thank you.
Chrissy: [shouts] No, Jack!
Helen: Mind your own business, Chrissy!

Jack: [neither one can go through with their bet anymore] What do you say, Chrissy? Wanna call it a draw?
Chrissy: Uh huh.
Jack: [calls out to his soon-no-longer-to-be-off-limits date] *Come here, Grace!* Okay. On the count of three, we both start nibbling.

Janet: I'd like just 10 minutes alone with that Doug.
Jack: Please Janet, one pregnant roommate is enough.

Jack: [his blonde roommate is jumping with joy for the money he has brought in] Chrissy, you jump better than anybody I know!
[stuffs a handful of dollar bills into his mouth to stop himself from exclaiming too much]

Jack: [to J.C. Braddock] If you'll excuse me, I've got to go beat my mousse!
[rushes off]

Chrissy: How do I look, Jack?
Jack: Suzy Chapstick eat your heart out.

Jack: [a girl has just given jack a few judo flips around the kitchen] Felipe? Why didn't you help out?
Felipe: She didn't need no help.

Captain: A cocktail before you dine?
Janet: Oh, thank you!
[looks at menu and is stunned at the prices]
Janet: I believe I'll have some water.
Chrissy: [eyes bugging out at the menu prices] Me, too.
Captain: Of course. Would you care for the imported Rumanian, the Mountain Clear or the Gillian Sparkling?
Chrissy: I'd like Santa Monica tap!

Ralph: Lana, I hate to throw my macho around, but either you come back with me now, or I go back to town alone!
Lana: [coolly] Drive safely.

Chrissy: [phoned] Missing persons? I'm looking for a persons missing!

[Stanley has been caught eavesdropping]
Helen: Now, you should say you're sorry.
Stanley: All right, all right. Listen kids, I'm really very sorry.
Helen: And you'll never do it again.
Stanley: And I'll never do it again.
Helen: And you'll take fifty dollars off this month's rent.
Stanley: And I'll never do it again.

Jack: Face it, if women had more will power there'd be no shopping malls.
Janet: And if men had more will power there'd be no maternity shops!

[first lines]
Chrissy: [struggling with phone] Hello? Hello? Hello?
[Janet enters]
Chrissy: Janet, the phone's not working!
Janet: Oh, yeah, Chrissy, I know.
[sits down]
Chrissy: Oh, when are you gonna get it fixed?
Janet: Oh, well, I... Wait a minute, Chrissy, wait a minute. Why should I be the one to have it fixed?
Chrissy: 'Cause you always take care of it.
Janet: The telephone has never been out of order before.
Chrissy: No, but the TV was.
Janet: Right. You see, as... as a matter of fact, I did call. The telephone company's gonna send a man over.
Chrissy: Oh, I knew you'd take care of it. When's he coming?
Janet: This afternoon.
Chrissy: This afternoon? I can't wait that long! I'm expecting a call from my date.
Janet: Oh, yeah? Who are you going out with?
Chrissy: Oh, I don't know. He hasn't called yet.

Jack: Where are the loan papers?
Chrissy: There aren't any. He said all he needed was your name, your address and your next of kin.

Jack: [after realizing Mr Roper read the dirty diary] If you explain to him...
Chrissy: Why should I explain it to him?
Jack: Well, you're Wanda X.
Chrissy: [Shocked] I am not!
Jack: He thinks you are. Janet, you explain it to him.
Janet: Why me? I'm not even in that diary.
Jack: Well neither am I.
Chrissy: [with an accusing tone] How do we know that?

Chrissy: You don't fool me, Jack. I know what you're up to.

Janet: Do you know that some people go for days without anything?
Chrissy: So do camels. But who wants to look like a camel?

Ralph: [after hearing Terry play the Violin very badly] Who's *killing* a cat up here?

Larry: Okay, okay, no more jokes. Tell me about your garage sale.
Chrissy: It's not our garage sale.
Larry: Then whose is it?
Chrissy: It's ours!
[Larry looks at her nonplussed]
Chrissy: It's our sale, it's not our garage.
Larry: Oh.
Chrissy: Larry, you know we don't have a car. Why would we own a garage?
[looks: ]
Chrissy: I give up, Janet, you try.
Janet: It's the Ropers' garage.
Larry: A-ha!
Janet: Ya. When they moved, they left a lot of stuff in there. They said we could do anything we want with it.
Chrissy: Yes, now we're gonna sell it all to raise money for the rent.
Janet: Right! But it's not gonna be easy. I mean, only an idiot would buy the junk they left behind.
[Larry laughs]
Chrissy: Hey, why don't we invite them over to the sale? They bought it all once, maybe they'll buy it again!

Louise: I'll say this for you, you've got nerve.
Jack: Asking you for a loan?
Louise: Asking me for a date. I'm sorry, Mr. Tripper, but, you see, this bank can not give money to someone who can't pay it back.
Jack: Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you.

Mr. Penrose: No, Chrissy, when I've made a decision, it takes a lot for me to change my mind.
[his eyes glide over her]
Mr. Penrose: And you certainly have a lot.

Jack: Are you sure it was a mouse?
Janet: Oh, yes, Jack, it squeaked!
Chrissy: Well, don't just stand there, Jack, go oil it!
[snorts with laughter]

Jack: [a woman comes to the door and mistakenly tells the girls that Jack got her pregnant. Through miscommunication, Jack believes his girlfriend is pregnant] Good news girls! We're getting married!
Chrissy: You rotten rat!
Jack: [bewildered] Rotten rat? Janet, why did she call me a rat?
Janet: Because you're a pig!

Jack: Mr. Roper, you didn't tell me there was another woman!
Stanley: This isn't a woman, this is Mrs. Dawson!
Chrissy: Oh! She's married!
Janet: Chrissy, I wonder if her husband knows!
Chrissy: Of course he knows, he must have been at the wedding!

Jack: [in drag, and being sought after by his best friend] Larry, you klutz, it's me, Jack!
Larry: [drunken stupor] It is you. So, does this mean Roper was right?

Jack: Well, I was jogging along...
Janet: I don't believe you!
Chrissy: Neither do I.
Jack: Okay, if you don't wanna hear about the naked girl I saw...
Janet: Wait! What naked girl?
Jack: I don't know her name. I was running along on the beach and I turned to say hi and then I tripped over *another* one. Yes, everyone on that beach was *nude!*
Chrissy: They weren't wearing anything?
Jack: Right! That's nude, that's nude. They were just wearing suntan lotion! Could you imagine everywhere I looked all I saw were shiny hills.
Janet: You mean, you mean, right here on our beach? Now come on, Jack, you're putting us on.
Jack: It's true! I spend the last half hour talking to a naked redhead. Just to make sure.
[chuckles]

Captain: [as Jack tries to slip out of the French restaurant by riding on the trolley] Monsieur, what is this?
Jack: Uh... uh... Jack a-la carte!

Janet: I'm telling you, we can't get Mr. Furley to do anything. Jack asked him to paint the kitchen cabinet, and he said no.
Chrissy: Jack had to do it himself.
Janet: Yeah.
Lana: Oh, it must be so nice to have a man around the house.
Janet: Well, you ought to know, you were married three times.
Lana: I had three men around the house.
[chuckles]
Lana: They were also around my neighbor's house, my girlfriend's house... my secretary's house...
Chrissy: [brightly] They were really helpful, weren't they?
Janet: Chrissy... I - I don't think they were painting any kitchen cabinets.
Chrissy: [as what was meant finally dawns upon her, her eyes widen] How *awful*! Ugh, men! No wonder you gave up marriage and went into business!
Janet: Chrissy...!
Lana: Men can give you heartaches in business too. You know, when I first became an executive, they didn't even give me a secretary.
Janet: No kidding, how come?
Lana: Because I'm a woman, they expected me to do my own typing.
Chrissy: They didn't give me a secretary either.
Janet: You *are* a secretary.
Chrissy: I know.
Janet: [doorbell rings] Excuse me.
Chrissy: [to Lana] I still had to do my own typing.
[nods]

Jack: I can't tell him! Gloria's the girl he's gonna share his life with!
Janet: What about the guys he's gonna share his wife with?

Jack: [Mr. Furley is standing outside the bathroom and eavesdropping while Jack and Chrissy are installing a shower curtain] Okay, Chrissy, I'll get in the tub with you, then we can get it on.
Chrissy: Get next to me, I'll show you what to do.
Jack: This isn't exactly the first time I've ever done this.
Chrissy: Maybe so, but girls are better at this than boys.
Jack: Come on, Chrissy. A little less talk and a little more action, okay?
Chrissy: Okay, you do your part and I'll do mine. I don't think it'll reach!
Jack: Of course not, you've got to unfold it first!

Lana: Jack, if you'd like to drop off some sugar, I'll be waiting in my apartment with empty cups.

Chrissy: [whining] Why don't you take one of us on the cruise? We're your best friends.
Jack: Well, you may be my best friends, but Joanne Bonny's my best bet, if you know what I mean.

Chrissy: [injured] It's only eight o'clock. It's too early to go to bed.
Janet: We'll all go to bed early, if it makes you feel any better.
Jack: Yeah, I'll go to bed with you.
Chrissy: What?
Jack: I meant at the same time.

Janet: [Jack's tempting Chrissy with her favourite food] Chrissy, be strong. Do you want a glass of water?
Chrissy: I'd rather have a glass of chicken!

The: Hello. Are you David Miller?
Jack: The one and only.
The: I've been looking forward to this moment.
[punches him in the stomach, then elbows him in the back]
The: That's for my kid sister!
Jack: What did she order?

Stanley: Helen! Helen, I'm in bad shape.
Helen: [thinks he's just trying to weasel out of taking her out tonight] Stanley, do me a favor. Don't make excuses until I make demands.

Janet: An anniversary is a very special event, you know.
Chrissy: It can't be *that* special. They have one every year.
[snorts with laughter]

Ralph: Well, Jack told me your bathroom faucet was leaking.
Janet: Oh, no, Mr. Furley. It's the kitchen faucet.
Ralph: Oh, well, that's just dandy. I bought the wrong washer. They're 12 cents apiece, you know.

Jack: [realizes Chrissy has joined in with his practicing dancing the Charleston] Uh, Chrissy...
Chrissy: [super-cute] This is fun!
Jack: [as she jumps about] It certainly is!
Chrissy: [a most pleasing sight] Am I doing it right?
Jack: You sure are. I didn't know you could do the Charleston.
Chrissy: [that melodious voice] Is that what I'm doing?
Jack: Yeah, how'd you pick it up so fast?
Chrissy: I don't know! I just started moving and everything falls into place!
[and beautifully so...]
Jack: [shrugs in awe] Well, it's so true...

Stanley: What's the cake for?
Helen: We're celebrating.
Stanley: Celebrating what?
Helen: The tenth anniversary of my new spring outfit.

Stanley: I came up to shampoo your rug.
Chrissy: Why? Does it have dandruff?

Dr. Doreen McMillan: Janet, do you know what I do for a living?
Janet: [holding Doreen's business card] Of course I do! It's right in in black and white: Doreen McMillan the rapist!
Jack: That's therapist!
Roland: She always did have trouble with her reading.

Stanley: [Helen and Janet are naked] Why didn't you go into the apartment?
Helen: The door's locked!
Stanley: Why didn't you take your key?
Helen: Where would I keep it, Stanley?

Jack: [to concession stand vendor] I'd like two un-colas, please.

Chrissy: [on phone, to boyfriend] Tonight? Oh, no, I can't, my roommate's sister's coming tonight, I think we should be here.
Janet: Oh, Chrissy, Chrissy, you don't have to give up a date because of that.
Chrissy: I don't?
[to: ]
Chrissy: Hey, maybe I can make it after all!
Janet: Oh, but that's so sweet of you, though...
Chrissy: [to boyfriend] No, I still can't make it.
Janet: No, Chrissy, no, no. She's gonna be here for a whole week. There's plenty of time to be together.
Chrissy: [to boyfriend] On the other hand, what time could you pick me up?
Janet: Even though it would be so nice to have everybody here for the first night.
Chrissy: [to boyfriend] Not that I *want* you to pick me up, I just wanted to know if you would if you could.
Janet: Look, Chrissy, if - if you really wanna go...
Chrissy: Look, I'll do whatever you want.
[to: ]
Chrissy: No, no, no, not you, Tom. Tom?
[takes receiver away from ear]
Chrissy: He hung up!
Janet: I'm sorry. Gee...!
Chrissy: It's okay. I don't like people who can't make up their minds anyway.

Stanley: [because of misunderstanding, believes Chrissy is in love with him] I don't understand! Why is she playing so hard-to-get?
Helen: Look what she's getting.

Jack: Yeah, Janet, she's a married woman, and her husband's a real tough cookie. Are you sure she was talking about getting it on with me?
Janet: Jack, you don't have to understand Italian to know what that lady was saying. I mean, she was shouting it in body language.
Chrissy: I thought she was getting a little worked up to be thinking of macaroni.
Jack: Okay, okay, you girls are gonna have to help me. If you hear anything that sounds like I'm in trouble in that kitchen, you come in fast, okay?
Janet: But, Jack, you know I have to get back to the flower shop.
Jack: I know. But, Janet, please... I need you!
Janet: Jack, I'm sorry, but this is my job we're talking about!
[rushes off]
Janet: I'm gonna be late!
[on her way out]
Jack: I need some help!
Janet: Bye!
[door slams]
Jack: [no other way out] Chrissy... Chrissy... Look, will you help me, and - and not leave me alone with her?
Chrissy: You want me to protect your honor?
[goofy laugh]
Jack: Chrissy! I'm serious!

Ralph: If a faucet drips, I replace it pronto.
Mr. Williams: Wouldn't it be cheaper to replace the washer?
Ralph: Washer?

Helen: [Mrs. Roper asks Chrissy if she can borrow some money to pay for her U.P.S. delivery. Chrissy is short a few dollars and offers Mrs. Roper an I.O.U] Chrissy, you can't give an I.O.U. to the U.P.S. for a C.O.D.! They might call the F.B.I.!
[She then laughs as Chrissy looks stupified]

Janet: Sometimes, Jack, I think that the birds and the bees tell their kids about Jack Tripper.

Helen: You know, I really don't understand this silly contest of yours.
Chrissy: Oh, it's not silly. You see, if Jack has any kind of fun at all with a girl, he loses. And if I die of starvation, I win.

Chrissy: I was invited on this camping trip. So I went into Willis Department Store and I saw the cutest sleeping bag. It was red and blue with stripes. Jack! It was perfect for you for this weekend! Anyway, that's when I found this perfect little pink jumper that was on sale. And, of course, I needed shoes to go along with it, and I looked *all* over town, until I *finally* found some high heels that were comfortable...
[by this time, Jack is fighting against dozing off]
Janet: But, Chrissy...
Chrissy: They were absolutely the wrong color and I had to have them dyed to match the purse I bought while I was shopping for the shoes.
[Jack is falling asleep]
Chrissy: And then I needed a blazer... The salesman, oh, he was so cute...
Janet: Okay, okay, so you bought a sleeping bag.
Chrissy: No, I didn't. I spent so much money on all of these nice clothes, I didn't have anything left for the sleeping bag.
Janet: But, Chrissy, you just said you were gonna loan it to Jack.
Chrissy: Yeah! Well, I would have if I could but I can't so I won't. He's not going anywhere,
[shrugs]
Chrissy: so what does he need it for?
Janet: [yells] Aagh!

[about lying to his boss about having a wife]
Jack: Mr. Angelino saw me talking to his daughter and now I have to be married.
Terri: Boy, those Italians sure are strict!

Chrissy: [forced labor in Roper's 'garden'] Oh, I just thought of something.
Jack: Huh?
Chrissy: [whines] Maybe there's rats in here.
Jack: Chrissy, there are no *rats* in here.
Chrissy: Oh, good.
Jack: They all got eaten by the snakes.

Barbara: Would you cook for me sometime?
Jack: Oh, I'd love to cook with you. I mean, cook for you.

Jack: Oh, what a relief. I'm free, I'm free at last.
Chrissy: Well, let's get out of here. People are starting to look at you queerly.
Janet: [hastily correcting] Strangely, Chrissy.

Jack: Is something burning?
Janet: Oh NO! I left my underwear in the oven.
Chrissy: Too bad hot pants are not in style.

Jack: Oh boy, I feel terrific! It's amazing what a shower can do for you. I feel years younger!
Chrissy: I wouldn't take too many of them.

Chrissy: Does anybody really know where anybody lives?

Cindy: She's wrong, Jack. You're NOT a bad liar.
Jack: [indignantly] Thank you, Cindy!
Cindy: You're about the best darn liar I've ever met!

Janet: Chrissy. Is that all birdseed?
Chrissy: Oh no. It's half a roast chicken from Mrs. Roper.
Jack: Hey, wait-wait, Chrissy. What happened to the birdseed?
Chrissy: Mr. Roper ate it.

Chrissy: Eat your salad before it gets cold.

Jack: Cindy, look, there are to two ways to open a door: the right way and your way.

Janet: It was a mistake, Chrissy. Anybody can make a mistake.
Chrissy: Yeah, but it was a stupid thing to do. It's not like me to do stupid things.
[Janet has a hard time not responding to that]

Chrissy: I couldn't sleep. I kept tossing and turning and tossing and turning.
Janet: Do you have any idea why?
Chrissy: I think it was because I couldn't sleep.

[first lines]
Chrissy: Janet! Have you seen my other shoe?
Janet: [from inside kitchen] What other shoe?
Chrissy: The one that goes with this one!
[lifts up her bare right foot, never mind that Janet cannot see through the wall]
Janet: Chrissy, what shoe are you wearing?
Chrissy: The left one!
Janet: [emerges from kitchen] Then you must be looking for the right one.
Chrissy: Of course I am. Why would I be looking for the wrong one?
Janet: Too true, how stupid of me.
Chrissy: Sometimes it can take you a long time to figure things out.
Janet: I'm sorry.
[goes back into kitchen]

Helen: [naked behind the flower box] Don't come over here, Stanley!
Stanley: Why not? What are you got back there that I haven't seen before?
Janet: Me!
Chrissy: Janet, what are you doing back there?
Janet: Giving the azalias a thrill.

Terri: My last blind date was a disaster.
Cindy: What happened?
Terri: He showed up.

Janet: [asked if she has any plan] Yes, I do. Yes, I do. We're gonna get Jack by himself and knock some sense into his head.
Chrissy: Oh, that's a great idea. We'll do it at the surprise party. We'll take him aside, and...
Janet: It won't work. He doesn't know there's gonna be a surprise party. You were supposed to take him there, remember?
Chrissy: Oh, yeah...
Janet: Yeah.
Chrissy: I can't do that now because he's with Susan.
Janet: [has idea] Yes, you can. Yes, you can, Chrissy. You can just go down to the Regal Beagle and pry him away from her.
Chrissy: Oh, with what? A crowbar?
Janet: [jumps up, grabs Chrissy by the hands] You do not need any tools! You can just use the equipment that you've got.
Chrissy: *You think that I... *
Janet: You want Jack to be hurt again?
Chrissy: No!
Janet: All right. So, you get down to the Regal Beagle and you make him forget all about Susan. Look, Chrissy, all you have to do is just be alluring
[starts posing Chrissy's arms as if she's her Barbie doll]
Janet: and be seductive...
[adjusts the hips]
Janet: sexy!
Chrissy: [maintaining the pose, but whines:] I don't think I can do it!
Janet: [jumps around] Oh, yeah! Yes! What do you think she's got that you haven't got?
Chrissy: Jack!

Lana: [heard they're moving] I hope it's not very far. I mean, we were just getting close.
Jack: Actually, you were getting close. I was just trying to get away.

Chrissy: [re archeologist woman friend] Where'd you dig her up?
[snorts with laughter]
Larry: What are you gonna do, jump on her bones?

Stanley: I bet this cot told some great stories.
Mrs. Roper: I wish ours could.

[first lines]
Chrissy: [enters, takes off a shoe] Hi.
Janet: Hi, Chrissy. Why have you got one shoe off?
Chrissy: I got gum stuck on it.
Janet: Ugh. Now where did that happen?
Chrissy: On the bottom of my shoe.
Janet: I *know* the gum is on the bottom of your shoe.
Chrissy: Then why did you ask?
Janet: [gives up] I'm sorry.
Chrissy: I'd better get a knife to scrape this off.
Janet: Chrissy, you don't need a knife. You can use an ice cube.
Chrissy: Really?
Janet: Yeah.

Chrissy: Well, Mrs. Roper, see, the world is made up of two kinds of people, twos and ones. Sometimes two ones become a two, and other times one of the ones of the two gets tired of being a two and wants to become a one again, not that the other one of the two isn't a nice one, it's just that two ones can't be a two without the one. See?

Stanley: [after the kids make a lot door slamming noises, Mr. Roper knocks on the door]
Chrissy: [opens the door]
Stanley: I just want to tell you that it's three o'clock in the morning!...
[is about to complain further]
Chrissy: Thank you!
[closes door]

Stanley: [to Jack] You could be the bridesmaid.

Janet: Does anybody really know anybody?

Janet: Hey, whoa, whoa! Whoa, what is wrong with you?
Chrissy: Aw, that was David.
Janet: Hmm?
Chrissy: He was suddenly called out of town, so I don't have a date for this weekend.
Janet: Aw, Chrissy... Hey, you want me to call Bob Green?
Chrissy: No!
Janet: Why not? He's dying to go out with you.
Chrissy: He never looks me straight in the eye.
Janet: Well... maybe the guy is shy.
Chrissy: Then why is he always looking everywhere else?

Jack: It's time to toast the bride and groom. To Gloria and Larry, happy days!
Janet: Good times!
Chrissy: Little House on the Prairie!

Chrissy: Well, this is typical of getting a girl pregnant. Only a man would do a thing like that.

Mr. Penrose: [with longing eyes at his departing young blonde employee] Has Chrissy been with the company long?
J.C. Braddock: No, not long. Two years, as a matter of fact. She's a good worker.
Mr. Penrose: [can't stop staring] She's a good walker too...

Janet: [re old Disneyland photos] Look, there you are with Goofy.
Chrissy: That's not Goofy. That was my date.

Cindy: Still, I'm glad to see my luck hasn't changed.
Janet: What do you mean?
Cindy: Well, back home, I used to play second fiddle to Chrissy because she was so beautiful. I finally leave home only to have a gorgeous roommate.
Janet: [totally flattered] Well, we hope you'll be very happy here.
Jack: [appearing in the bedroom door] Janet, can I speak to you for a second?
Jack: [in the living room] How long is she staying here?
Janet: As long as she likes.
[returns to Cindy]
Jack: [camera zoom in] What?

Janet: Chrissy, your father's a minister. What does he say to couples who are in trouble?
Chrissy: He tells them to keep the baby.

Janet: [opens door, it's a blonde stewardess] Oh, hi.
Susan: Oh, I'm sorry, I must have the wrong apartment.
Janet: Who did you want?
Susan: I was looking for a man.
Janet: Who isn't?
[beckons her in]

Jack: [in bed after falling down the stairs] I wonder if I'll still be able to have children?
Chrissy: Sure. You ought to wait until your leg heals, though.

Jack: What about the cooking? What about Mister Bustamente?
Lucia: Mister Bustamente's a big doomb toorkey!
Jack: Isn't that interesting how some Italian words sound exactly like English.

Chrissy: Guess what? I'm the new sales lady for EasyTimes Cosmetics, and you get to be my very first customer.
Lana: Guess what? You're wrong. Jack, darling...
[goes over to couch]
Jack: [had been pretending he didn't see her come in] Oh, hi, Lana, just taking a nap.
Lana: You must come over to my apartment with me and help me change my light bulb.
Chrissy: That's a switch.
[snorting with laughter]
Jack: Lana, why can't you change it yourself?
Lana: 'Cause the fixture's too high. It's in the ceiling... of my bedroom.
[chuckles]
Jack: Why don't you just get on the bed?
Lana: I thought you'd never ask.
[makes a grab for him again]
Jack: Lana, control yourself.
[points at the others in the room]
Lana: I can't help myself, Jack, whenever I'm close to you, I get this... this tingling sensation all over my body!
Chrissy: Please! If you want your body to tingle, why don't you try some of my new bath lotion?
Lana: [looks down at Chrissy with disdain] If blondes have more fun, why do they keep spoiling it for other people?

Jack: You're an archeologist?
Barbara: Yes.
Jack: Are you digging anything now?
Barbara: Yes. You.

Janet: Oh, Chrissy, we're not gonna take this sitting down!
Chrissy: [was pinched] Oh, that's good, because right now, I couldn't!

Larry: The cake looks great, I thought you were supposed to make it out of sawdust.
Jack: It is Larry. Trust me, before it was cake it was a bookcase.

Helen: Oh, why don't you go see your dentist!
Stanley: What for?
Helen: Because your toothache is giving me a pain.
Stanley: Then you go see the dentist.
Helen: The place I got a pain you don't see a dentist.

Ralph: You can't follow The Brady Bunch if you miss the beginning!

Jack: My Diary, by Wanda X.
Chrissy: Yeah. I wonder what the X stands for.
Jack: Mmm, Chrissy, have you read this? X isn't a name, it's a rating!

Stanley: [to his parakeet] We don't like noisy parties, do we? It makes our feathers fall out. Now play with your toy toy.

Lana: [when she unwittingly notices Jack's nudity] Hey, Tarzan, can I swing on your tree?

Larry: [two more visitors to the cabin] What are you doing here?
Janet: Well, you said we could come and visit sometime.
Chrissy: Yeah, and this is the only sometime we have some time.

[last lines]
Janet: We practically called Chrissy a thief, and she's not even mad at us. You know, you're so understanding.
Chrissy: Yeah. Well, I'll tell you why.
Janet: Why?
Chrissy: Well, one day when I was in the fourth grade I sat down and there was a tack in my chair.
Jack: I don't see your point.
Chrissy: I didn't neither.
[laughs]
Chrissy: To get even, after school, I pushed Tommy Dallas into a mud puddle.
Janet: Oh, because he was the one who put that tack on your chair?
Chrissy: No, it wasn't him. It was someone else. It's so simple, don't you understand?
[they look at her nonplussed]
Chrissy: You see, I did something to someone who turned out to be what he wasn't because I thought he did something that he didn't.
Jack: [in weird little boy voice] Some day I'm going to kill you, Chrissy.
Janet: Jack...
Jack: No, I'm just... Don't worry about it, Chrissy. Hey, that scar you got from the tack is hardly noticeable.
Chrissy: [on her high horse] How do you know?
Janet: Yeah! How do you know?
Jack: You're forgetting today I was painting outside your bedroom window.
Janet: Jack, you...
Jack: By the way, Janet, that's a lovely birthmark you've got on your...
[she chases him out]

Larry: [Clears throat]
[Dictating letter]
Larry: "Dear Sleazebucket,"
Janet: Sleazebucket?
Larry: Would you type?
[Dictating letter]
Larry: It is slime like you that makes this world stink. Only vermin would take advantage of their position to rob innocent people of their outcomes, period. Here's hoping that all the scummy things you've done to others, comma will come back to you ten times over. Your friend, Jack Tripper, today's date.
Jack: Thanks a lot, Larry.
Janet: I'll put in the mail tomorrow morning.
Jack: How did you come up with all that stuff so fast?
Larry: Oh it was easy. I got the same letter down at the used car lot today.

[Opening scene at Jack's Bistro; Jack takes an order for a couple]
Jack: Okay, let me see if I have this right: One bottle of white wine...
[to the lady]
Jack: ... and for the lady, one Coq au vin...
[Chicken with wine]
Jack: [to the gentleman] ... and for the finest in French cuisine, the gentleman gets a Boeuf en Croute.
[Beef in a Puff Pastry]
Harry: Uh, with lots of ketchup.
[Audience laughs as Jack apparently puts the order in]
Melissa: [embarrassed] Harry, I told you this was a very chic restaurant.
Harry: [confused] "Chic"? I thought you said "cheap".

Janet: You can't go through with this!
Jack: Why not? She seems very anxious to get right to work and make something.
Janet: I understood what Mrs. Bustamente was saying, and the only thing that she wants to make is *you*!
Jack: Oh, come on!
[full implications dawn upon him]
Jack: What?

Janet: Why did you use staples to put up wallpaper?
Chrissy: We ran out of Scotch tape.

Janet: [re the windows that finally got cleaned] Now that we can see through them, I'd sure like to be able to breathe through them.
Chrissy: Why, is it still stuck?
Janet: Yeah.
Chrissy: Why don't you call Mr. Roper?
Janet: I've already called him every name in the book.
Chrissy: What did he say?
Janet: Same thing he always says. "It's next on my list."
[pulls idiotic face]

Janet: [on her way to kitchen, sleepily walks past Chrissy passionately cuddling Jack on the couch, then turns back sharply] What is going on here?
Chrissy: I'm just convincing Jack that he's still sexy and attractive.
Janet: [scoffs] And to think that I almost slept through this!
Jack: Fortunately there are still good seats available!
[pulls Janet onto the couch as well]

Diane: Janet, do you know what I do for a living?
Janet: Of course I do! It's right here on your card in black and white. Diane McMillan, The Rapist!
Jack: That's therapist.
Janet's: She always did have trouble with her reading.

Jack: Hi, Mr. Furley.
Ralph: [Yelling at Jack] Washers don't grow on trees, you know.
[Exits apartment]
Jack: [Confused] What?

Debbie: [as Jack steers her away] I can see the bedroom later?
Jack: [pats her on the head] I'm counting on it.

Jack: I have a surprise for you girls!
Chrissy: Oh, I love surprises. It's funny that you never suspect them!

Chrissy: And we're going to split this money 50-50.
Janet: Chrissy!
Chrissy: Oh wait, Jack. You're also a partner.
Jack: No, no.
Chrissy: Yes. You went to the track and made the bet. We're going to split this 50-50-50.
Jack: No, no.
Chrissy: Yes. It's share and share alike.
Jack: Aw
Janet: Yeah
Jack: We're the three musketeers.
Chrissy: Yeah, we're like a candy bar.
Jack: No.
Chrissy: Yes.
Jack: Some sweets and some nuts.
Janet: Gosh, what are we going to do with all of this money?
Jack: It's going to be a lot less after the fourth musketeer takes his share.
Chrissy: What?
Jack: The tax collector.
Janet: If we're smart, the first we would do is take at least three months rent and put it away.
Chrissy: Yeah, and we'll still have a lot left over.
Jack: We should go down to the bank tomorrow and open ourselves a joint savings account.
Janet: Oh what a good idea. Then it will be earning interest.

Ralph: [after overhearing a conversation between Jack and Larry, assuming that they had a romantic tryst the night before] Now hear this! I'm an easygoing guy! Live and let live, I always say! What's good for the goose is nobody else's business but the gander's! But sometimes you gotta draw the line! Call 'em as you see 'em! Stand up and be counted! The... buck... stops... here! Is that clear? Now, this wasn't easy for me to say... BUT YOU TWO HAD IT COMING!...
[Grabs his toolbox from Jack's hands and storms out of the apartment]

Chrissy: He's never dated a girl who's wrote a book.
Janet: Chrissy, he's never dated a girl who's read a book.

Chrissy: [after catching Jack and Gloria in a compromising position] You're a rat!
Janet: A pig.
Chrissy: A snake!
Janet: A skunk.
Chrissy: A giraffe!
Jack: Giraffe?
Chrissy: Well, I ran out of animals.

Larry: Girls, why don't you come up to my apartment? I think I have something you can put on.
Lulu: Like what?
Larry: Like a Mantovani record!

Jack: I got to tell you, I really appreciate you all coming to my graduation. It really meant a lot to me.
Janet: Are you kidding? Besides the fact that we love you, we've been waiting for this day for three years.
Chrissy: Yeah, we wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Chrissy: [at the Regal Beagle] Hi, Larry. Mind if we sit here with you?
Larry: Not at all. Just don't block my view of the door.
Chrissy: Why? Expecting someone?
Larry: Oh, yeah! I'm waiting for my date for tonight.
Janet: Yeah? What's she like?
Larry: Well... She's got beautiful long red hair, big green eyes and full... luscious lips and a body that just won't quit.
Janet: Mm, oh yeah? What's her name?
Larry: I don't know. But if anyone comes in who looks like that, I'm gonna find out.

Jack: [after Nancy has made Leo leave while Jack is out of the room] Where's Leo?
Nancy: Um, he left.
Jack: [surprised] Just like that? Was I too rough on him, do you think?
Nancy: Forget about him.
[seductively]
Nancy: I'M still here.
Jack: Why would he leave?
Nancy: [sighs] I told him he was a nuisance and in the way. I did you a favor... I got rid of him.
Jack: [shocked] You what?
Nancy: Aw, come on, Jack! I mean, who would you rather have around? A broken down old man or...
[smiles]
Nancy: me?
Jack: [smiles back] No contest, Nancy.
Nancy: I thought not.
Jack: [maintains smile] Get out.
Nancy: [in shocked disbelief] What?
Jack: Excuse me... get out, please.
[goes to door and holds it open for her]

Lucille: You know what I like about this show? It doesn't try to change the world or solve any major problems. All it does is make us laugh and forget our own cares. That's my kind of comedy.

Jack: [to amorous Mrs. Bustamente:] Hang on one second, will ya?
[pops out of the kitchen]
Jack: Chrissy! Why didn't you come in here to help me?
Chrissy: You said to come when you were in trouble. It sounded like you were having a ball!

Chrissy: Boy, you guys are dumb. That fake was coming on to me!
Janet: You knew that?
Chrissy: Janet, that wasn't his knees he was praying on!

Jack: [re Mrs. Roper] Well, did she say when she was coming back?
Chrissy: Uh-huh. When pigs grow wings.
Chrissy: That could take weeks.

Jack: [tries fending off Mrs. Bustamente's dangerous intentions] Don't run the hair through your fingers!

Jack: [considered lucky to live with two girls] Oh, yeah, I'm also there for protection.
Barbara: Oh, what are you afraid of?

Chrissy: How old are you, Laurie?
Laurie: I'm thirteen.
Chrissy: Really? When I was your age I was thirteen too.

Jack: That garden is right out of Tarzan And The Apes.
Chrissy: It is a little overgrown.
Jack: A little? Chrissy, there are pockets of Japanese in there who don't know the war is over.

Chrissy: Harry called him a loan shark, but he seemed more like a guppy to me.

Jack: Larry, haven't you ever thought of telling a girl the truth?
Larry: Well, I figure, anyone who gets up an hour early to put on eyeliner, fake eyelashes, and plastic nails isn't someone who wants to hear the truth.

Jack: [with Helen looking at him quizzically as he is still standing there with noodles streaming down after Linda poured the big bowl of soup over his head] She brought me some chicken soup.
Helen: I think you were supposed to eat it.
Jack: I didn't have time.

Janet: Chrissy, quitting your job is a really big step. Shouldn't you think it through?
Chrissy: Janet, thinking never works for me.

Stanley: Not in my building!
Jack: I swear, it will be completely platonic.
Stanley: I don't care what it - What does that mean?
Helen: Like you and me, Stanley.

Chrissy: So, are you planning to transfer to UCLA?
Jenny: Yes, if I decide to major in anthropology.
Chrissy: [nonplussed] Anthropology?
Jenny: The study of man.
Chrissy: They give courses in *that* now?
Jenny: Oh, I wish they would. Can you imagine the homework?

Jack: It was nice meeting you, Denise.
Larry: Dorothy!
Diane: Diane.

Stanley: Helen, I just wanted to prove to you that other woman found me attractive. And I proved it.
Mrs. Roper: Well, fine, go to her. See if I care. I hope you're happy.
Stanley: I don't want to be happy; I want to be with you.

Chrissy: You know, if women ran the world there'd be none of these stupid wars!
Janet: Yeah!
Stanley: Yeah, all the countries would nag each other to death!

Chrissy: Hey, wait a minute. How come we're doing all the work? What are you gonna pick up?
Jack: Well, if I'm lucky, that little blonde in my pastry class.

Janet: [Jack's dressed in some very bright colours] You look like a dish of spumoni!

Chrissy: [after Jack left with Susan] I'm really worried.
Janet: Me too, Chrissy, me too.
[sighs, sits down, so does Chrissy]
Janet: It looks like we're gonna lose him.
Chrissy: [whines] He's gonna get hurt.
Janet: [morose] And we're gonna have to cook our own meals.
Chrissy: [whines] She's gonna break his heart.
Janet: We're gonna have to cook our own meals.
Chrissy: [whines] His whole life will be ruined.
Janet: We're gonna have to cook our own meals.
Chrissy: [eyes widen, clutches her head as stark realisation hits her] Oh, Janet, I just thought of something!
Janet: What?
Chrissy: If she takes Jack away, we'll have to cook our own meals!
Janet: Chrissy! Chrissy, how can you think of food at a time like this?
Chrissy: I'm sorry...!
Janet: But you are right.
Chrissy: [grabs Janet and shakes her] Oh, Janet, what are we gonna do?

Chrissy: [in kitchen] Hey, do we have any of those, uh, what do you call them, bacon-flavored things?
Janet: Pigs?

Chrissy: [re the shabby cabin] This reminds me of my grandfather's farm.
Janet: Farm?
Chrissy: Yeah, the little house at the back of the big house.

Larry: What the heck am I gonna do without a friend like you?
[he breaks down crying]
Jack: Well, Larry, I'm only moving about a mile away.
Larry: You shoulda told me that before I made a fool of myself!

Janet: We're trying to come up with a song that would be just right for the Ropers' marriage.
Jack: How about 'Strangers In The Night'?

Janet: [re that revealing red dress] Hey, Chrissy, uh, did you actually wear this dress at the office?
Chrissy: I sure did, and it really worked! I walked into that office just overflowing with confidence!
[out the room]
Janet: Jack... You really did it this time.
Jack: *I* did it?
Janet: Yes, you're the one who wanted her to wear a low-cut dress.
Jack: Janet, I want *every* girl to wear a low-cut dress.
Janet: Jack, please, that is *not* the kind of dress you wear to office. It's the kind you wear to open-heart surgery!
Jack: Well, that dress probably had nothing to do with her getting that promotion.
Janet: Oh, are you kidding?
Jack: I'm not!
Janet: Oh, Jack, come on. I've heard how men are in offices.
Jack: What are you talking about?

Jack: She's writing a book on it. She's an authority on ancient peoples.
Chrissy: Oh, that's nice. She works with senior citizens.

Ralph: [does his utmost to impress] You may not know it, but I've got a Porsche.
Lana: Why don't you go throw yourself under it?

Janet: Jack, listen, hey, is that all the stuff that you got?
Jack: No, there's more downstairs. I'll go get it.
Janet: Listen, whatever you do, don't let Mr. Roper see you. I mean, you know how he feels about parties.
Jack: Don't worry, Janet, I learned camouflage and stalking when I was a Boy Scout.
Chrissy: Did you have badges?
Jack: No, but I got a couple of Campfire Girls.

Janet: Darlene is a $100 a night call girl!
Jack: Janet, don't you see I'm talking to my *mother*!
Jack: But I thought she was Miss Einstein!
Janet: So... she's a smart call girl!

Chrissy: Men are so unsympathetic.
Jack: Baloney.
Chrissy: Oh yeah? Then how come there are more women nurses than men?
Jack: [pause] Because there are more men who get sick because of women.

Stanley: I want my rent!
Helen: Stanley, where are your manners? You're supposed to say hello when you walk into a room.
Stanley: Hello, I want my rent!

Jack: It's time to toast the bride and groom.
Janet: OK.
Jack: To Gloria and Larry. Happy days.
Janet: Good times.
Chrissy: Little house on the prairie!

Janet: [enters kitchen] Jack...
Jack: Yes?
Janet: It sounds like you kinda like this girl.
Jack: Oh, you bet I do. And guess what?
Janet: What?
Jack: She's coming over here. We're gonna put our lasagnas together.
Chrissy: That sounds like fun.
[giggles]
Jack: Well, Chrissy, it's a class project. We're gonna make a lasagna. We're gonna make the sauce over here, and the pasta at Debbie's place.
Janet: Well, why don't you make everything over here?
Jack: Because that way I'd never get into Debbie's apartment.
[Janet reacts scornful]
Jack: She happens to be a great cook, Janet.
Janet: Uhm.
Jack: No one can touch her pasta.
Chrissy: I'm sure you'll try.
Jack: You got it all wrong with Debbie. She's different. She's pure and wholesome and... and virtuous. Whatever happened to girls like that?
Janet: They all went out with guys like you.

Terri: [Sexily] It's all lies.
Janet: [With southern drawl] Every bit of it.
Jack: [Angrily] Stop that!
Terri: [Sexily] Okay. It's all true.
Janet: [With southern drawl] Every bit of it.

Janet: [telling April how Jack supposedly died] It was his heart.
Max: [repeating what Cindy told him] God forgot to wind it.

Jack: You are the proud owner of 1637 hurt me dollars.
Chrissy: Oh. shrieks
Janet: I think that finally got her.

Jack: [the three roommates each went to a different animal shelter to get a cat, and Terri gets one that looks nothing like Cuddles] How could you get a pinto?

Debbie: [as they sit close together on the sofa] Don't you think we should be cooking?
Jack: [other ideas in mind] That's what I say.

Janet: Don't screw it up for Terri, alright?
Jack: I wouldn't. I can't screw it up any worse.
Janet: Don't sell yourself short.

Jack: [passionate embrace] Susan, Susan...
Susan: Jack, Jack...
Janet: Sick, sick...
Susan: Oh, what do you say, we celebrate our reunion?
Jack: I'll open up a bottle of wine.
Susan: Oh, no, let's go out.
[raises her eyes at the two roommates]
Susan: I feel it's a little crowded in here.
Chrissy: That's 'cause you're standing so close to Jack!
Susan: [to Chrissy, patronising tone] You're sweet.
Jack: Let's go to the Regal Beagle.
Susan: Oh, and music!
Chrissy: [panicky] You can't go!
Jack: Why not?
Chrissy: 'Cause you're supposed to go for a walk with me!
Jack: Well, Chrissy, I'll take a rain check on that, all right?
Chrissy: [whines] I can't wait till it rains! I wanna go for a walk right now!
Susan: She's a pushy little thing, isn't she?

Chrissy: [threw away the day's mail] What do you want me to do about it? Go down to the city dump and dig up ten blocks of trash?
Jack: [considers her offer] No, that would take too long.
[exasperated, slams his hand into his fist]
Janet: Jack, couldn't the Government just rush out a duplicate check?
Jack: The Government *rush*?
[cynical laugh]

Jack: A toast! Here's to Jack and here's to Chrissy. Let's get started with a little kissy.
Chrissy: Hold it. If you think I'm that kind of date you can go home right now.
Jack: I live here.
Chrissy: That's no excuse.

Jack: [wants to help Chrissy] Lana, if you do me this favor, I - I'll come up and fix your bulb. All I right?
Lana: Good! And then we'll turn it off, and you can turn me on.

Ralph: Ohhhh, I'm through with women.
Jack: Aww.
Ralph: Don't you get any ideas!

[last lines]
Chrissy: [to Jack's consternation, couldn't find the hidden Government check in her right shoe, then found it in the left] Well, I only missed by one.

Chrissy: [comes rushing in with letter] Oh, this is terrible! My father's coming to preach a sermon!
Janet: Here?
Chrissy: No, in the church.
Janet: Chrissy, when's your father coming?
Chrissy: Today! His plane lands at two-thirty! Oh, no, look!
[tosses the letter onto the kitchen table]
Jack: He should have brought that with him and saved himself a stamp.
Janet: It took over a week to get here. Oh, no!
Jack: From Fresno?
[goes through rest of mail]
Jack: What else did our efficient postal service bring us? Any Christmas cards or nice magazines? No, just bills! They always get here right on time!
[throws down the stack]
Chrissy: This is terrible. He can't see us like this!
Janet: [with irony] Well, you're right. This apartment is a wreck.
[looks around her, everything is of course fairly spick and span]
Chrissy: It's worse than that!
Janet: Oh, Chrissy, that's an exaggeration. I mean, your Dad's been here before. He knows how we live.
Chrissy: *Things have changed since then!*
Jack: What things?
Chrissy: You used to be Eleanor.
Jack: Hey, level with me, was my operation a success?
[flutters eyelashes]
Janet: Jack, last time Chrissy's father came down, Eleanor was still our roommate.
Jack: Oh, Chrissy, don't worry about it. I'm sure your father's gonna like me.
Chrissy: [whines] Oh...
Jack: Chrissy, I'll be on my best behavior.
Chrissy: [whines even more] No...
[clasps her hands over her head]
Jack: Thank you for the vote of confidence.

Stanley: [trying to get the three roommates to clear his yard] Who would benefit from cleaning it?
Janet: You would!
Stanley: Who would enjoy the fresh air and exercise?
Chrissy: Not us!
Stanley: Who can't afford a rent increase on their apartment?
Jack: Mr Roper, there is a word for the kind of threat that you just made.
Stanley: Yeah? What?
Jack: Effective.

Janet: What have you got there?
Chrissy: [sullen] I didn't get a raise, that's what I got there.
Janet: Well, we're you due for one?
Chrissy: Yeah.
Jack: Poor Chrissy. Did you complain?
Chrissy: [wilfully] I wouldn't give them the satisfaction!
Janet: Well, so to cheer yourself up, you went out and bought something new?
Chrissy: How could I? I need a raise to be able to buy something new!
Janet: But you didn't get a raise.
Chrissy: No, that's why I got the *box*!
Jack: Oh.
[looks at Janet nonplussed]
Jack: Lemme see what's inside it, okay?
[starts opening the box]
Janet: Chrissy, how come they wouldn't give you a raise?
Chrissy: [whines] I don't know! I'm the best secretary they have if you don't count my shorthand and typing!
Jack: [inspected box] Easy Time Cosmetics?
Chrissy: That's my new part-time job.
Jack: Doing what?
Chrissy: Selling. You know, door to door, to friends, and over the telephone. These are cosmetics and toiletries that every man and woman can use.
Jack: You know, I don't use lipstick.
[smiles]
Chrissy: It's not just lipstick, it's aftershave...
Jack: Oh, yeah, well, Janet will like that.
[Janet slams the empty box down over his head]
Janet: You know, Chrissy, selling is really hard work.
Chrissy: Well, the man at the Easy Time Cosmetics company said I'd make a lot of money. He said that this job doesn't take any ability at all and I'd be perfect for it.
[Jack laughs]
Janet: Yes, well, Chrissy...
Jack: Chrissy, you'll be great! You can sell anything!
Chrissy: Oh, thank you, Jack! Ooh!
[plants great big kiss smack on his lips, then runs off happily to the kitchen]
Jack: [breathless] Mercy!
Janet: Do you really believe what you just told her?
Jack: No, but I just *love* the way she says thank you!
Janet: You know, Chrissy tried selling before, and she was a total flop at it. Do you remember that all-purpose kitchen knife?
Jack: Oh, yeah. She made four dollars selling the knives, but spent five dollars buying band-aids.
Janet: I'm going to the kitchen and I'm gonna tell her the truth.
[jumps up, and then Chrissy returns]
Janet: Oh, hi. Uhm, Chrissy, I've been thinking.
[looks back at Jack for support]
Janet: Honey, some people just aren't cut out to sell door to door.
Chrissy: I know. But don't feel bad, you have so many other abilities.

Janet: [after pushing Michael, who has forced himself on her, away] How could you treat me like that? I think what you did was very cruel!
Michael: [shrugs] I'm sorry you feel that way.
Janet: [shocked at his callousness] That's it? That's all you have to say?
Michael: [coldly] No, Janet. No. Let me level with ya... I don't think you have what it takes to make it as a dancer!
Janet: [hurt] Well... let me level with you, Michael. I don't think you have what it takes to make it as a human being!
[Michael walks off]