Top 20 Quotes From Stanley Roper

Jack: Mr. Roper, you didn't tell me there was another woman!
Stanley: This isn't a woman, this is Mrs. Dawson!
Chrissy: Oh! She's married!
Janet: Chrissy, I wonder if her husband knows!
Chrissy: Of course he knows, he must have been at the wedding!

Helen: [naked behind the flower box] Don't come over here, Stanley!
Stanley: Why not? What are you got back there that I haven't seen before?
Janet: Me!
Chrissy: Janet, what are you doing back there?
Janet: Giving the azalias a thrill.

Stanley: [because of misunderstanding, believes Chrissy is in love with him] I don't understand! Why is she playing so hard-to-get?
Helen: Look what she's getting.

Chrissy: You know, if women ran the world there'd be none of these stupid wars!
Janet: Yeah!
Stanley: Yeah, all the countries would nag each other to death!

Chrissy: [re Mr. Roper putting up drape] How's it coming?
Stanley: [hurt himself with pin] Got a band-aid?
Chrissy: Oh, did you hurt yourself?
Helen: Yeah, Stanley's been sticking himself with those drapery pins. I guess his eyes are beginning to go too.
Chrissy: What size of them do you need?
Stanley: You got one big enough to cover her mouth?
[laughs at his own little joke, no one else does, and he tries the pin again]
Stanley: Ow, ow, ow! That went right through my thumb.
Chrissy: Lemme look at it. That's funny, you're not bleeding.
Helen: Well, like everything else about Stanley, it takes a while to get started.

Stanley: [Helen and Janet are naked] Why didn't you go into the apartment?
Helen: The door's locked!
Stanley: Why didn't you take your key?
Helen: Where would I keep it, Stanley?

Helen: Oh, why don't you go see your dentist!
Stanley: What for?
Helen: Because your toothache is giving me a pain.
Stanley: Then you go see the dentist.
Helen: The place I got a pain you don't see a dentist.

Stanley: I want my rent!
Helen: Stanley, where are your manners? You're supposed to say hello when you walk into a room.
Stanley: Hello, I want my rent!

Guru: [to Jack, Janet and Chrissy] We are all brothers and sisters.
Stanley: Do you hear that, Helen? You see what the world is coming to?
Guru: [comes over to Ropers' table] And you are our brother too.
Stanley: That's all that I need, is another relative.

Stanley: Helen, I just wanted to prove to you that other woman found me attractive. And I proved it.
Mrs. Roper: Well, fine, go to her. See if I care. I hope you're happy.
Stanley: I don't want to be happy; I want to be with you.

Stanley: [trying to get the three roommates to clear his yard] Who would benefit from cleaning it?
Janet: You would!
Stanley: Who would enjoy the fresh air and exercise?
Chrissy: Not us!
Stanley: Who can't afford a rent increase on their apartment?
Jack: Mr Roper, there is a word for the kind of threat that you just made.
Stanley: Yeah? What?
Jack: Effective.

Stanley: Not in my building!
Jack: I swear, it will be completely platonic.
Stanley: I don't care what it - What does that mean?
Helen: Like you and me, Stanley.

Mrs. Roper: I need a new stove
Stanley: There's nothing wrong with the stove you have, it works just fine.
Mrs. Roper: Well, I better not break up the set.
Stanley: What set?
Mrs. Roper: An old stove, and old husband, and they both take too long to heat up!

Stanley: What's the cake for?
Helen: We're celebrating.
Stanley: Celebrating what?
Helen: The tenth anniversary of my new spring outfit.

Stanley: [has read in what he thinks is Chrissy's diary that she loves him] It's not a secret anymore, Chrissy.
Chrissy: [doesn't know what Mr. Roper's talking about] Oh, good.

Stanley: [to his parakeet] We don't like noisy parties, do we? It makes our feathers fall out. Now play with your toy toy.

[Stanley has been caught eavesdropping]
Helen: Now, you should say you're sorry.
Stanley: All right, all right. Listen kids, I'm really very sorry.
Helen: And you'll never do it again.
Stanley: And I'll never do it again.
Helen: And you'll take fifty dollars off this month's rent.
Stanley: And I'll never do it again.

Stanley: [blowing up balloon for the surprise birthday party] Boy, you need a lot of air for this.
Helen: I picked the right man for the job.
[grins]
Stanley: Have you any idea where you'd like me to put these balloons?
Helen: Yes.
[wicked grin, then shrugs]
Helen: But just hang them on the wall.

Stanley: I'm a married man, Helen. What am I gonna do with a beach full of naked women?
Helen: Good Lord, he's even forgotten that.

Stanley: I bet this cot told some great stories.
Mrs. Roper: I wish ours could.